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Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 10:04

Report him to HR.He’s in a position of power and influence and he has behaved disgracefully

Pfff, she’s an adult who initiated a fling with a senior colleague she fancied. The ghosting isn’t nice, but adults of both sexes do it all the time.

I agree. He's recently divorced - perhaps he's 'vulnerable' too? The OP initiated all of this. Time to take it on the chin like a grown up.

OP stop all contact via text. Only communicate with him on matters pertaining to work, and only when you really have to. Be polite, pleasant but very, very detached.

beastlyslumber · 09/12/2021 10:06

It's not about OP being a victim or not. It's about how to deal with the fallout of this situation. Both of them should have known better, but the manager should have taken responsibility. Because he is, literally, responsible for OP, professionally speaking. He is paid to oversee her at work.

Sooo I slept with my boss. One night stand, we were on a work trip so spent the next couple of days together. Expected nothing other than a few days where work was a bit easier and I could get away with more. It was fine, worked for me. He took advantage of me maybe as much as I did him but in all honesty, I probably got the better end of the deal.

This is horribly manipulative and certainly doesn't suggest you have any insight into OP's situation. Quite the opposite.

Ciaobaby92 · 09/12/2021 10:08

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@Ciaobaby92 But is the 'he' she mentions her manager or someone else? It was all so vague from the OP- she was unclear who had set up the training and I'm sure she said it was another colleague, not her manager. Sorry if I'm confused :)[/quote]
I understand being confused. OP has since clarified that it was her manager who "forgot".

girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 10:10

@whatdoidonow11

Hi, my manager set up the training. It was a senior colleague delivering it. The response I got yesterday, seemed to imply that I would be better off doing it next week - and he asked if I was ok.. I'm not sure, maybe he's giving me a bit of breathing space given what's happened? I honestly don't know. Either way I'm ok doing the training next week

He's been divorced 6 years so it's not a new thing. However I'm newly single

Did you ever have any communication from the trainer that suggested you were attending the training?
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 09/12/2021 10:13

@girlmom21 No. when I contacted senior colleague she advised me it was up to my manager to put me forward and to add me to the list for the training.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 09/12/2021 10:13

There wasn't any information relating to the training, just an invite which I found I was 'removed' the invite was retracted

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 09/12/2021 10:15

@TooBigForMyBoots

You don't need to reframe it, just see it for the one off, lovely time that it was.
Um... which would involve reframing it, as she's currently seeing it as sad/upsetting because her hopes were dashed. Hence to see it as a one-off lovely time requires some reframing. There's not an objective truth here, feelings are involved.
girlmom21 · 09/12/2021 10:16

@whatdoidonow11

There wasn't any information relating to the training, just an invite which I found I was 'removed' the invite was retracted
When was it retracted? Did your manager originally invite you? It seems strange he invited you if he wasn't the host.
JinglingHellsBells · 09/12/2021 10:16

@whatdoidonow11 Based on your updates ...might this help?

The more you dwell on it thinking about the nice time, the harder it is to get over it. You have to try to switch your thinking to something else every time those thoughts creep up on you. It's hard but it's a known strategy to help and WILL help if you allow it to.

The other thing is- you are newly single.
Have you had much post- marriage dating experience (yet?)
Is your divorce through yet?
It comes over as if you are looking to replace your ex with a long term relationship too soon.

What also comes across is that (perhaps) one night stands and casual sex are not for you. You want more than that when you have sex with someone. Maybe in future slow things down? Get to know them better? Only have sex if you are prepared to accept they may want it as a casual encounter and nothing more.

Don't set yourself up to be hurt - by assuming that because you are super-keen on a man ,they feel the same, (even if the sex is great and they pay you compliments.)

If your life is lonely- no friends in real life (why is that?) don't think a man is the answer. You need to be happy in yourself to go into a relationship, not looking for a man to make you happy.

What do you like doing out of work? What interests do you have?
Can you develop those to meet people and feel less isolated?

NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 10:17

an explanation as to why he slept with me and dropped me

He doesn't have to explain. You aren't entitled to an explanation. Nobody is.

If you'd been in an actual relationship with him for several weeks or months before the sex, and then he ghosted you after having sex for the first time, then maybe, yes. But if you are going to jump into bed with someone first and then try to form a relationship on the back of that, then there is always going to be an element of risk that it won't go the way you want it to. If someone is just not feeling it after sleeping with you then they are entitled to back away if it doesn't feel right for them.

When someone has consensual sex with you it is not an unspoken contract that a relationship will surely follow.

requiredusername · 09/12/2021 10:21

@whatdoidonow11

Hi, my manager set up the training. It was a senior colleague delivering it. The response I got yesterday, seemed to imply that I would be better off doing it next week - and he asked if I was ok.. I'm not sure, maybe he's giving me a bit of breathing space given what's happened? I honestly don't know. Either way I'm ok doing the training next week

He's been divorced 6 years so it's not a new thing. However I'm newly single

Do you think he may be trying to keep you away from all your other colleagues at the same time in case you let something slip?
Ciaobaby92 · 09/12/2021 10:23

"Dear Mumsnetters, I am a female line manager with a younger male subordinate who has previously taken mental health leave due to struggling with a divorce. I took an interest in him and started communicating with him ALOT, offering my support, sympathy, and letting him know how handsome I think he is! He invited me out for a drink and of course we shagged. I invited and encouraged him to stay with me for three days because he had "nowhere else to be until Tuesday".

"We talked and cuddled all night, but I think I've had my fill of him now. I'm going to start ignoring his texts and make it seem like I never took a personal interest in him. I am also going to remove him from a mandatory training session, just so he remembers his place!"

"Isn't that just great of me Mumsnet?"

LOLZ

Gonnagetgoing · 09/12/2021 10:28

I was wondering why this hadn't been sorted out yet.

Basically if you get involved with someone at work, it can get very messy. Yes, there are people who meet at work, go on to marry etc but there are equally people who go out and work and it gets very messy if they break up.

I've always been told (and apart from one time when I went out with someone when I was young at work) don't shit on your own doorstep at work - e.g. no workplace romances. Or if you do do it, go into it with your mind wide open to what happens if things go wrong.

OP, honestly, yes, you're newly divorced and in a vulnerable place but so is he being newly divorced, both a total car crash to be in a relationship. Go out with your mates, get on POF or something but don't FGS get involved or dwell on this man anymore! It'll only cause you heartache and you'll end up looking silly to people at work. Use the new year to either enjoy being single or meet people casually dating or to find yourself and have fun, spend more time with kids etc (trust me after being in a relationship for a while it can actually be fun to be single and not rely on a man/woman).

I do think you and this man's relationship has developed from him knowing about your mental health situation but I'd step back from that, maybe take some 'sick' time off for your mental health sake.

JinglingHellsBells · 09/12/2021 10:28

@requiredusername The training is by Zoom so hardly likely.

Bluntness100 · 09/12/2021 10:30

When someone has consensual sex with you it is not an unspoken contract that a relationship will surely follow.

This is the crux of the issue, some posters feel if a man has sex with you, even if you made the first move you are entitled to a relationship if you wish one, because of it, and if you do not get one then they need to explain themselves to you and apologise for it. And even then he is still a cunt in the wrong.

If however a woman sleeps with a man, and decides she doesn’t wish to see him again, then this is her right and she owes him nothing. Any man who thinks he’s entitled to a relationship or an aPology is a cunt in the wrong.

JinglingHellsBells · 09/12/2021 10:30

OP, honestly, yes, you're newly divorced and in a vulnerable place but so is he being newly divorced, @Gonnagetgoing No, he has been divorced for 6 years. Read her updates. Not even sure if the OP is divorced or just newly separated- she spoke of her marriage break up earlier this year.

Ciaobaby92 · 09/12/2021 10:31

@Gonnagetgoing

I was wondering why this hadn't been sorted out yet.

Basically if you get involved with someone at work, it can get very messy. Yes, there are people who meet at work, go on to marry etc but there are equally people who go out and work and it gets very messy if they break up.

I've always been told (and apart from one time when I went out with someone when I was young at work) don't shit on your own doorstep at work - e.g. no workplace romances. Or if you do do it, go into it with your mind wide open to what happens if things go wrong.

OP, honestly, yes, you're newly divorced and in a vulnerable place but so is he being newly divorced, both a total car crash to be in a relationship. Go out with your mates, get on POF or something but don't FGS get involved or dwell on this man anymore! It'll only cause you heartache and you'll end up looking silly to people at work. Use the new year to either enjoy being single or meet people casually dating or to find yourself and have fun, spend more time with kids etc (trust me after being in a relationship for a while it can actually be fun to be single and not rely on a man/woman).

I do think you and this man's relationship has developed from him knowing about your mental health situation but I'd step back from that, maybe take some 'sick' time off for your mental health sake.

He's been divorced six years.
NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 10:42

If however a woman sleeps with a man, and decides she doesn’t wish to see him again, then this is her right and she owes him nothing. Any man who thinks he’s entitled to a relationship or an aPology is a cunt in the wrong.

Exactly Bluntness. Exactly.

Allsortsofroses · 09/12/2021 10:42

Yep, noones entitled to a relationship and getting involved with work colleagues ha the potential to go really shitty.

However, this man has acted very poorly, given thus is his subordinate abd he knows she's v recently divorced, and has suffered mh problems, and confided them in him. Its verging on predatory (even if the drink invite came from her).

He should've have taken her up on the drunk offer, and shouldn't have shagged her. She's patently vulnerable abd someone with integrity wouldn't have gone there.

No doubt his lack of integrity contributed to him ending up divorced and breaking up his family (in its previous form).

Allsortsofroses · 09/12/2021 10:43

*He shouldn't have taken her up on the drink offer ..

requiredusername · 09/12/2021 10:43

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@requiredusername The training is by Zoom so hardly likely.[/quote]

Hardly. But still possible.

supercali77 · 09/12/2021 10:43

Where is anyone saying that anyone is entitled to a relationship after sex? This argument comes and goes on MN whenever someone gets ghosted after sex. It isn't about feeling you're owed a relationship but simply - adult and transparent communication and not being a flipping weirdo who acts like nothing happened at all and just stops communicating. Instead of suggesting OP gets counselling maybe 50 year old men who can't manage a simple straightforward text after shagging an employee should seek help

NdujaWannaDance · 09/12/2021 10:43

No doubt his lack of integrity contributed to him ending up divorced and breaking up his family (in its previous form).

Jesus. That's a bit of a leap.

Allsortsofroses · 09/12/2021 10:46

He's a presumably single, divorced, professional man (probably with minimal.child responsibility compared to his ex), he should exercise his sexual needs/inclinations with the many prospects he nk doubt has on the dating scene and elsewhere; instead of snagging v obviously vulnerable subordinate employees he's managing.

There's something not right with his thinking & moral compass.

JinglingHellsBells · 09/12/2021 10:49

@supercali77 The suggestions about counselling were not related to the OP and this man.

They were more about her feelings of loneliness, not having any friends in real life and her recent mental health issue around her marriage break up.

Yes, in an ideal world men and women spell out 'I am sorry but I don't want to take this further'.

But equally, some people feel it's kinder to back off , delay replying to messages and let the other party pick up the signals.

I don't know which is best. Some people prefer it to be all out in the open whereas others would find it too painful and prefer the softer approach of gently retreating.