Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

[quote girlmom21]@Ciaobaby92 I don't think you understand what a reach is. All Bluntness has done in the post you quoted is repeat the facts that OP has shared. [/quote]
Girlmom21 I absolutely understand it just like I meant it. From my perspective it looks like Bluntness is reaching really hard to make excuses the male's behaviour, while bashing the female who has asked for support. I've been around here for years and this is standard operating procedure for her. Whether you agree or not is not my concern.

[quote Sleephappy]@JinglingHellsBells I agree. He’s not even in the training himself, someone else is running and he’s not attending. Why would he exclude her? I understand if he was the trainer, that would make more sense (but would be an extremely bad move on his part to exclude op obviously)
I don’t think he has anything to do with this training issue at all. I still don’t get why op can’t just join though, as it’s on zoom etc . I would be querying that and why I have to have a separate session when it’s been flagged in advance[/quote]
I can see why she can’t be added, we couldn’t either, often there is break out sessions and people planned to do things, so if she can’t join it’s likely because it’s not everyone sit on mute and just listen but interactive.

And I agree, it makes no sense for him to exclude her on purpose then set up another session for her when he’s not even conducting the training and won’t be there.

I guess if she was excluded owing to an error, (not by him) and he's now set up a 1;1 training session for her (not with him) that a good thing he has done.

BOTH people were wrong here. The OP was wrong for initiating this. He was wrong for accepting.

No.

OP was unwise, I think.

Her manager was wrong. Because he was in a position of responsibility & authority in relation to OP.

(And posters are allowed to comment on any stage in a thread, on any point they'd like to follow up, btw)

@whatdoidonow11

I did receive a response about the training. He thought he had added everyone but had forgotten me. He is going to organise something for next week, just for myself Don't know what to make of that

I think some of you need to RTFT.

I can see why she can’t be added, we couldn’t either, often there is break out sessions and people planned to do things, so if she can’t join it’s likely because it’s not everyone sit on mute and just listen but interactive.

That's so feeble!

I run & attend many training sessions, all online at present.

I've never heard of this - of course we can include someone. Breakout rooms or not. And how does thar make sense if she's going to have 1-to-1 training instead? There'll be no interactive element there.

There is a lesson here some of us could learn from - men who are recently just divorced are not a good bet for a LTR.

They can't process their emotions as well as women and tend not to know what they want. Often they date 'just to test the waters'.

They need at least a year on their own before they are ready for any serious involvement.

@Ellen888

There is a lesson here some of us could learn from - men who are recently just divorced are not a good bet for a LTR.

They can't process their emotions as well as women and tend not to know what they want. Often they date 'just to test the waters'.

They need at least a year on their own before they are ready for any serious involvement.

Same goes for OP being newly divorced. She went into this expecting way too much.

The OP asked 'what happens now'

She's been given advice on that over the last 22 pages.

I don't see why the late-comers to this thread are going over old ground.

Who are you to police the thread? 😂😂

It’s a public forum, people can contribute whatever they want. Someone might have something new to add, or OP might even appreciate another voice adding support, advice or empathy.

And I think it’s clear to anyone that the OP was seeking support with this not simply being told ‘what to do’. Who is anyone here to unilaterally decide that a conclusion had been reached on what OP should now do.

All these posts that automatically assume women as the victim.... The bastard bosses sleeping with their inferiors, only bad men are divorced cos they shag about, yar Di yar Di yar.

Sooo I slept with my boss. One night stand, we were on a work trip so spent the next couple of days together. Expected nothing other than a few days where work was a bit easier and I could get away with more. It was fine, worked for me. He took advantage of me maybe as much as I did him but in all honesty, I probably got the better end of the deal.

Also my mu sagged various people while still married to my dad who was a soldier and in a war zone during some of the time. The other man was someone she worked with. She used to drop me off at one of those shops which had a little creche type thing, see him, and then pick me up. I remember the shop assistant ask me where my mum was one time. She also used to take my and my brother to his house where he was with his wife and kids and we had dinner.

My point is, women aren't innocents and don't have to be victims. The OP knew what she was doing. She wasn't taken advantage off. The boss said a few times it needed to be reigned in. Now fair play to her, she had a weekend with him and guarantee, if it worked out, there wouldn't have been any issue with him. If she'd been seeing him, she wouldn't care about being missed off the training- which I very much doubt was deliberate, it would reflect as badly on him as it would her, not what you want if going for an internal interview.

And let's face it, read the other threads we have on here. Normally folk are told not to text so much even after sex. He didn't ghost her. He just didn't text as much as she wants. It's a mismatch but no biggy. Problem is, all the typical man haters on here just work folk up to a frenzy and make them victims.

A lot of women has been cheated on or hurt by men. That's why there on a relationship support forum. They talk from their experiences and a place of hurt and betrayal. There's a natural bias but unfortunately that can misplace good advice.

OP do nothing hut learn and look at the positives. You had A good weekend. You now realise you want more from life. Make your actions to do that, but don't rely on other people for your own happiness

@Ellen888

There is a lesson here some of us could learn from - men who are recently just divorced are not a good bet for a LTR.

They can't process their emotions as well as women and tend not to know what they want. Often they date 'just to test the waters'.

They need at least a year on their own before they are ready for any serious involvement.

Mumsnet sexual stereotyping at work.

Everyone's different, they may be ready or they may not, same as women.

What happened here two single people got together had sex, one wanted to take it further the other didn't. All that's happened after is speculation coloured by ops disappointment.

My point is, women aren't innocents and don't have to be victims. The OP knew what she was doing. She wasn't taken advantage off.

Yep. I find it bizarre that MNers who would normally be all over feminism, strong women, and equality, immediately jump to 'it can't be the woman's fault, she must have been the weaker partner in this scenario who was taken advantage of'.
Even when, as in this case, the woman has pointed out that she was the instigator.

At best I hoped to continue to see him, at worst I expected him to be kind and call it off. Not ignore

I applaud the optimism, but surely anyone considering sleeping with their manager could imagine a much worse scenario than them being kind and calling it off. Worse than ignoring too. Jobs can blow up through things like this, people end up having to leave. So best to really consider the worst case scenario when weighing this things up realistically. That said, he hasn't actually ignored you, let alone ghosted you. It's not turned out well for sure, but that's because it sounds like a bad idea and he's stepping back to avoid any worst case scenarios. I think best to reframe this as a learning experience and work on yourself and expectations going forward. He's not even a good manager, mucking up your training, so would make a crap partner anyway. Both of you are in a tricky place and not ready for any of this by the sounds of it. Hope you can let it go and focus on the future.

the woman has pointed out that she was the instigator.

The key point missing from your post - he was the manager, her manager, and as such in a position of responsibility and authority in relation to someone more junior.

That's what tilts the balance of power.

@Ciaobaby92 But is the 'he' she mentions her manager or someone else? It was all so vague from the OP- she was unclear who had set up the training and I'm sure she said it was another colleague, not her manager. Sorry if I'm confused :)

@EarringsandLipstick

the woman has pointed out that she was the instigator.

The key point missing from your post - he was the manager, her manager, and as such in a position of responsibility and authority in relation to someone more junior.

That's what tilts the balance of power.

Can't see the point of going over this really.

It's happened.

It's the future she needs help with not who was to 'blame'.

@saraclara

My point is, women aren't innocents and don't have to be victims. The OP knew what she was doing. She wasn't taken advantage off.

Yep. I find it bizarre that MNers who would normally be all over feminism, strong women, and equality, immediately jump to 'it can't be the woman's fault, she must have been the weaker partner in this scenario who was taken advantage of'.
Even when, as in this case, the woman has pointed out that she was the instigator.

Totally agree, it’s abhorrent. For some the man is always wrong. The woman is just a weak vulnerable saddo with no personal capability or responsibility. It’s a hideous thought process that does women no favours.

Bottom line is the op went after him, she made the first move, it’s highly likely he thought this was a bit of fun between two consenting adults and he realised over the three days that she thought it was something else entirely, even though he’d never indicated at such and is unsure how to deal with it. Many folks would be.. She all but moved in for gods sake and has clearly been messaging him much more than she’s said.

They both did something very unwise. They both had different expectations, he thought they were attracted and having a bit of fun, she thought it was going to be a serious relationship, even though he didn’t ever tell her that.

Hi, my manager set up the training. It was a senior colleague delivering it. The response I got yesterday, seemed to imply that I would be better off doing it next week - and he asked if I was ok.. I'm not sure, maybe he's giving me a bit of breathing space given what's happened? I honestly don't know. Either way I'm ok doing the training next week

He's been divorced 6 years so it's not a new thing. However I'm newly single

If I don't hear about the training next week I'll be asking about it.

@baileys6904

All these posts that automatically assume women as the victim.... The bastard bosses sleeping with their inferiors, only bad men are divorced cos they shag about, yar Di yar Di yar.

I hear what you’re saying and if it was a random date or whatever I’d probably agree. I don’t think the gender/sex is relevant here at all, and I don’t think that men should be held to a higher level of accountability or courtesy than women when it comes to casual sex. And it’s my experience that would men are equally as apt to enjoy no-strings sex without expecting or wishing for emotional involvement etc. I also find it irritating when women are automatically assumed to be a ‘victim’ of some sort or to have been ‘used’ in casual sexual encounters. It’s BS patronising nonsense and as a previous poster said (@HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule?) it undermines womens’ agency in such situations.

In this situation however, I think what people have picked up on is a) the fact that OP was off sick with mental health issues and her manager had privileged access to this information and encouraged her to confide in him and lean on him for support. This is where their personal relationship developed from. b) that he’s handled the situation poorly since they slept together, for whatever reason, in a way that is somewhat irresponsible given his supervisory role and the established dynamic between them.

In my view the genders/sexes here are irrelevant, it’s more a case simply behaving like a decent human with maturity and consideration for others, which is where he’s fallen short. Sure, there’s no law against being an arse, but I think some of the criticism is fair.

And besides all that, whatever the rights and wrongs, or does he owe her any basic courtesy or whatever, is the fact that the OP is feeling a bit knocked for six by the situation. No one can argue her out of how she feels, and even if someone else reading might feel different in the same situation, I think it’s still very easy to understand why she feels how she does.

It sounds ridiculous and weird, but I keep thinking about the weekend we had and how nice it was. I do need to reframe it.

Would men = women !!!

You don't need to reframe it, just see it for the one off, lovely time that it was.

@saraclara

My point is, women aren't innocents and don't have to be victims. The OP knew what she was doing. She wasn't taken advantage off.

Yep. I find it bizarre that MNers who would normally be all over feminism, strong women, and equality, immediately jump to 'it can't be the woman's fault, she must have been the weaker partner in this scenario who was taken advantage of'.
Even when, as in this case, the woman has pointed out that she was the instigator.

It is my opinion that OP made an unwise choice due to being at a very low point emotionally. I also believe her boss used the inside information he was privy to about OP to get into her pants. Once he got what he wanted he dropped her like a hot potato and she is not at all out of line to be hurt and to come here looking for support.

The fact that he admitted "forgetting" to add her to a mandatory training session EVERYONE ELSE is attending confirms what I suspected about him. He is now attempting to isolate OP from her peers to not so subtly intimidate her and make her stand out from the group. Yes he is arrogant and stupid just like a lot of other predators happen to be.

If the situation was reversed and a female boss did this to a subordinate, some of you would be howling with rage and indignation, this thread is proof of that.

@whatdoidonow11

It sounds ridiculous and weird, but I keep thinking about the weekend we had and how nice it was. I do need to reframe it.

Op, I mean this gently are you thinking because he asked if you’re ok, he might be interested again?