Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

He is her manager, he has completely mistepped professionally by sleeping with her

Not necessarily, it depends on company policy. And if he’s mistePped so has she. She is not some vulnerable person with additional needs he took advantage of, she’s a nearly forty year old woman who made the first move.

She is not some vulnerable person he took advantage of

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring...My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him

Debatable (although I’ll leave the final word with the OP whether she believes this to be the case or not).

@Bluntness100

Acted out of malice? He maliciously shagged her so he could dump her later? 🤣

Look sometimes folks hook up. Sometimes they think it’s going some place, sometimes after spending more time with the person you realise you’d rather not. That’s all that happened here. Not every shag turns into marriage of a proper relationship.

All that should have happened here is he should have told her I’m not feeling it after spending the weekend with you and would not like to proceed with you further. That’s all he’s done wrong. Not spelling it out to her.

...and excluding OP from mandatory training. RTFT.

@EarringsandLipstick

All that should have happened here is he should have told her I’m not feeling it after spending the weekend with you and would not like to proceed with you further. That’s all he’s done wrong. Not spelling it out to her.

The responses on this thread 😳

'All he's done wrong'?!

He is her manager, he has completely mistepped professionally by sleeping with her.

Having done so, as a manager and a human being, it is absolutely reasonable to expect that he would discuss the situation with OP & ensure she felt ok in terms of work especially, moving ahead - that's in addition to letting her know where he was at on terms of seeing her again.

Of course it's fine not to want more than a one night stand (or equivalent) but the context matters here. They had a build up to this weekend, he is her manager, there are implications for her professional life.

Exactly. Then he removes OP from a mandatory training class with the other employees and tries to lie that he "forgot". He is a jerk and a stupid one at that. Really baffling how some people insist this behavior is perfectly ok.

@Bluntness100

And the best thing for her to do is to accept that it wasn’t a great idea to sleep with him if she couldn’t handle it not going anywhere after that. But also that it’s really not a big deal at all

Agree. It wasn’t even a date, they met for a drink then went back and shagged. I don’t get people saying he led her on to believe he wanted a relationship. No such words has the op said left his lips. Apparently simply shagging someone now and letting them stay is leading them to believe you wish a full blown romantic relationship.

It’s fairly obvious where he may have wanted her to stay an extra day, or was maybe being polite, he obviously wasn’t expecting her to stay three full days and likely to come home from work on Monday evening and find her still there, having spent the day alone at his waiting for him.

No one should sleep with anyone after a swift drink in the expectation it’s going to lead to a relationship. Especially not if that relationship was never and is never going to be on offer and it’s going to devastate you.

And you conveniently leave out that he's her manager, and using his position of authority to exclude OP from training with everyone else.

Bluntness I've seen you on other threads harassing women who think their husband is having an affair. Then when it's revealed he really was cheating,you suddenly disappear. You have no credibility as far as I'm concerned, just a typical bully who enjoys kicking the wounded.

@JinglingHellsBells er, its an utterly common thing for people whove been ghosted to feel upset. Its why ghosting is frowned upon in the dating scene. Nobody needs counselling for perfectly normal emotional responses. If you can sleep with someone, spend intimate time with them then you can certainly with kindness say 'This has been lovely but I have complicated things going on/we should have stayed professional and I dont think we should continue' out of courtesy.

But she’s not been excluded from training, he told her it was an error and is rescheduling for her.

Is the consensus here that workplace relationships are never wise?

As it happens, I know of several couples who married after meeting at work and where there was a disparity between their seniority.

As adults, neither was taking advantage of the other.

The OP has said he was her line manager and/or her team leader.
That doesn't suggest a huge difference in their roles to be honest, depending on the company. In my experience, someone who is a team leader doesn't always have that much seniority over the others in the team.

I think it's wrong to focus on his company role. It's more important to consider their ages (she is not some new graduate and he a man 20+ years older), she explains how she fancied him from the start but 'decided not to do anything about it' [note that!], then she changed her mind and asked him out even though she recognised the potential fall-out . She knew she took a risk.

Considering all of that, I don't think this is a simple case of 'older boss takes advantage of young subordinate.'

I think some posters can't have read the OP's first post carefully enough.

She did bombard him with texts after the weekend.

I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to

And, unless I've missed something, I don't think it's clear that he was behind the lack of training. It seems rather far-fetched that he would behave like that.

.

@Bluntness100

He is her manager, he has completely mistepped professionally by sleeping with her

Not necessarily, it depends on company policy. And if he’s mistePped so has she. She is not some vulnerable person with additional needs he took advantage of, she’s a nearly forty year old woman who made the first move.

I disagree entirely, regardless of policy.

He is her manager, therefore in a position of responsibility. They are not equals.

If she were not his direct report, and he was a manager elsewhere in the organisation, it might still be problematic but not to the same extent.

The fact of them sleeping together has changed the nature of their professional relationship - I'm a manager and have to (obviously) give direction, feedback, make decisions relating to my reports, and should be impartial in my approach. That's not feasible if you've slept with them. It's just not.

Your line manager is typically the first superior you have to talk to regarding most work related stuff. Jesus if I slept with my old line manager and he did this id be flipping considering moving jobs. Youre supposed to be able to trust them with all sorts, I went to him if there was anything going on in my life that impacted work

@supercali77
There are many posters here saying the OP ought to consider counselling not based on this single incident. If you read all of her posts, she had huge expectations of this man and their date. She is also lonely, has no friends, or anyone to support her in RL. These are issues that may be helped by talking to a professional like a counsellor, to help her raise her self-esteem and be less lonely.

And you conveniently leave out that he's her manager, and using his position of authority to exclude OP from training with everyone else.

Exactly. It's his ability to do this - because he's her manager - that makes what he did so wrong.

@Bluntness100

But she’s not been excluded from training, he told her it was an error and is rescheduling for her.

Oh c'mon! Even for you, that's massively disingenuous.

@supecali But the OP knew the risk. If you feel so angry at her manager, how do you feel about her initiating the date? She'd had her eye on him for months, decided not to pursue it, then changed her mind.

It's not so one-sided as you are making out.

Is the consensus here that workplace relationships are never wise?

I wouldn't say this - many people meet in work of course!

It's very different having a relationship with a peer, and someone with responsibility for managing you, directing your work and making decisions that affect your work / career

It paints any manager in a poor light who acts in this way.

@Bluntness100

But she’s not been excluded from training, he told her it was an error and is rescheduling for her.

LOL

Does your back hurt? Because that reach is getting ridiculous.

Isn't it odd how you're always willing to give the men all the credibility in the world, while castigsting the female? Then when it's revealed you were wrong, you disappear like a puff of smoke, without even an apology.

Then he removes OP from a mandatory training class with the other employees and tries to lie that he "forgot".

It sounds like she was never actually included on the training - so either he forgot before they slept together or the invites were sent out afterwards and she didn't do anything about the fact she wasn't invited.

I don't see how this is him doing anything wrong. It seems like a genuine error.

@Ciaobaby92 I don't think you understand what a reach is. All Bluntness has done in the post you quoted is repeat the facts that OP has shared.

@EarringsandLipstick

Is the consensus here that workplace relationships are never wise?

I wouldn't say this - many people meet in work of course!

It's very different having a relationship with a peer, and someone with responsibility for managing you, directing your work and making decisions that affect your work / career

It paints any manager in a poor light who acts in this way.

But do you feel it's right that a women (or man) actively asks their boss out for a drink, having already acknowledged they fancy them, and then stays with them for a weekend?

BOTH people were wrong here. The OP was wrong for initiating this. He was wrong for accepting.

It's done now.

Nothing anyone says here is going to turn back the clock.

You can debate the rights and wrong till the cows come home but it won't change anything.

The OP asked 'what happens now'

She's been given advice on that over the last 22 pages.

I don't see why the late-comers to this thread are going over old ground.

@girlmom21

Then he removes OP from a mandatory training class with the other employees and tries to lie that he "forgot".

It sounds like she was never actually included on the training - so either he forgot before they slept together or the invites were sent out afterwards and she didn't do anything about the fact she wasn't invited.

I don't see how this is him doing anything wrong. It seems like a genuine error.

I don't think it's clear that HE removed her. Her posts were unclear. Did she actually say it was him- or just imply?

Such a strange coincidence it should happen like this.

@JinglingHellsBells she responded to me yesterday saying he'd make the decision but considering she'd never been on the original list sent to the trainer, she was never actually ever included on the training.

It'd be interesting to understand why she thought she was but if it's a teams invite everyone else would've had it in their calendars for a while

@girlmom21 I don't know what to make of this. Logically, there is no reason whatsoever to exclude the OP from training. He doesn't need to 'punish her' in some way. In fact, doing something like this would only provoke her and send her to HR with a complaint about him. It doesn't make sense and I do wonder if the OP has added 2+2 and got 5.

She hasn’t been excluded from the training. She’s being trained next week. He said he thought he’d included her so would organise another session.

@JinglingHellsBells I agree. He’s not even in the training himself, someone else is running and he’s not attending. Why would he exclude her? I understand if he was the trainer, that would make more sense (but would be an extremely bad move on his part to exclude op obviously)
I don’t think he has anything to do with this training issue at all. I still don’t get why op can’t just join though, as it’s on zoom etc . I would be querying that and why I have to have a separate session when it’s been flagged in advance

It’s just the equivalent of the fear after you’ve been horribly drunk, when you’re paranoid that you’ve made a fool of yourself and you’re convinced everyone is looking at you. OP is feeling particularly sensitive (as you would) and reading things into quite innocuous things. It really isn’t such a big deal.