Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

@Bluntness100

But there has been an awful lot of "oh dear, your poor manager, aren't you crazy to think he should have been honest with you, you crazy bunny boiler, you. What a poor guy, having to deal with your unrealistic expectations."

Are you on the wrong thread? Or did you indulge is so much hyperbole that it becomes bizzare? No one has said that. How very odd.

Quite. And no one had said he’s ‘the good guy’ either. 🙄 There’s no good or bad character here in this little play. There’re just two people who slept together.

I’m concerned for OP’s well-being. And the best thing for her to do is to accept that it wasn’t a great idea to sleep with him if she couldn’t handle it not going anywhere after that. But also that it’s really not a big deal at all. That way she can put the whole thing behind her and go about setting her own agenda at work rather than handing away all power in the situation to him. Yes he has some influence at work but he doesn’t need to have any influence on how OP feels about herself or about her standing at work.

My money’s on him being a mental wreck and not having the capacity to deal with this. He’s making bad decisions post divorce. Not an excuse but could be the reason.

OP, sorry this happened to you. Second the people mentioning therapy. It helped me when I didn’t know my worth and you are worthy of proper love.

Please don’t look for drama in the situation. It’s best to keep it strictly professional & move forward.

F

And the best thing for her to do is to accept that it wasn’t a great idea to sleep with him if she couldn’t handle it not going anywhere after that. But also that it’s really not a big deal at all

Agree. It wasn’t even a date, they met for a drink then went back and shagged. I don’t get people saying he led her on to believe he wanted a relationship. No such words has the op said left his lips. Apparently simply shagging someone now and letting them stay is leading them to believe you wish a full blown romantic relationship.

It’s fairly obvious where he may have wanted her to stay an extra day, or was maybe being polite, he obviously wasn’t expecting her to stay three full days and likely to come home from work on Monday evening and find her still there, having spent the day alone at his waiting for him.

No one should sleep with anyone after a swift drink in the expectation it’s going to lead to a relationship. Especially not if that relationship was never and is never going to be on offer and it’s going to devastate you.

@beastlyslumber

I genuinely don't get why people are defending this man.

Yes it's possible that he realised too late that spending the weekend having sex with one of the people he line manages at work was a bad idea. I mean, it's possible that never occurred to him until after they slept together. If he's really fucking stupid. Sure. So then he, a great (very stupid) guy and not a manipulative arsehole, says, "hey you know what, I'm so sorry I got totally carried away with this but it can't go any further while we're working together and I'm your direct manager. It just wouldn't be right. I really messed up here. I guess I thought it could be a casual thing but now I realise that was dumb since we work together. Can we talk about how we're going to deal with this because obviously it's going to create problems with our professional relationship unless we resolve it now so we both feel okay."

Like, in what world is he just some poor guy who doesn't know how to handle some needy text messages from a woman he's slept with? He's her manager. He should have thought this through. But sounds like what he actually thought was, hey she likes me, I'll fuck her, and the professional fall out will be her problem to deal with because I'm her boss so I can manipulate the situation however I choose.

This with Christmas jingly bells and tinsel on.

Completely get where you are coming from, your in a bad place and you liked the attention etc and you were both consenting adults. So rude and shows what sort of character he really is by ghosting you it does sound like he’s got what he wants or maybe the message you sent came across as too heavy. Either way just ghost him yourself do not show any further interest and only speak to him about work only.

He is not a nice man OP and I think you've dodged a bullet. Make finding a new job a priority and in your exit interview be sure to mention his excluding you from the team and his distasteful behavior. It's up to you whether to reveal you slept together but you definitely should let them know about everything else. Play it very cool until then. He'll use him as a reference to get your great new job, then kick him in the nads during the exit interview. That's what I'd do!

What I can't get my head around (and what a lot of PPs seem to be ignoring) is that this was a bit more than an office flirtation that let to a quick sh*g.

It had been building up over many months and then he asked her to stay for a few days. Bonds get formed in that time and defences come down and to then ghost her as he's done seriously breaks the bounds of normal human decency.

It just seems so wrong, unfair and completely unrealistic to make the OP feel like she just got what she deserved and just needs to move on.

I defy anyone on here to not feel the same as the OP in the same situation.

He didn't "ghost" her.🙄

@Ticksallboxes

What I can't get my head around (and what a lot of PPs seem to be ignoring) is that this was a bit more than an office flirtation that let to a quick sh*g.

It had been building up over many months and then he asked her to stay for a few days. Bonds get formed in that time and defences come down and to then ghost her as he's done seriously breaks the bounds of normal human decency.

It just seems so wrong, unfair and completely unrealistic to make the OP feel like she just got what she deserved and just needs to move on.

I defy anyone on here to not feel the same as the OP in the same situation.

I completely agree with you. I would say that for most (not all) women, sex has emotional implications. A 50 year old man should know that.

He shouldn't have done it if he wasn't serious about her. Sleeping with an employee is like shitting on your own doorstep. There are less complicated ways to have a one night stand if that's your thing, where there is no working relationship and both parties are on the same page.

@MidnightMeltdown

I don’t particularly think it’s a male / female issue – the OP has said she wouldn’t have given a hoot if it was some random off Tinder – it’s more that they’ve developed an intimate relationship over the preceding months. Sharing confidences about their recently ended relationships, etc. Indeed, the basis of this outside of work relationship was the manager offering himself as a support during the OPs sick leave for mental health issues. He was privvy to privileged information about the OP as her manager and encouraged her to lean on and confide in him.

It may well be that this all developed organically for him too (rather than being some calculating predator). But I think it’s been the nature of the relationship prior to shagging rather than just the shagging itself that has made this confusing.

To me it's not that different from a gravely wounded person being offered assistance while very much in need. Said person comes in and soothes the wounded person, puts salve on their injuries, speaks to them kindly. Then accepts something of great value and suddenly abandons injured person, who's even worse off now than before.. If you've ever been thru a divorce you know how traumatic it is, and of course OP's manager knows this too. I bet his little ears pricked up when he hearsd she was in a crisis. Easy pickens. So he soothes her wounds, reassures her, gives her almost unlimited attention and she, in return, gives him access to her most private self. But after he partakes of her, instead of continuing the nurturing behavior, he becomes very cold. He excludes her. Uses his position to make her even more unhappy and uncomfortable. He is a predator and a jackass. Get away from him OP.

I agree Ciaobaby, OP behaved awfully by taking advantage of this recently divorced man when she knows how vulnerable he is. I mean she partook of his most private self, after all

Yuck. What is it about men seeking out women with mental health issues!

Until I came on Mumsnet I didn't know this was a thing, but so many posts feature this specific male behaviour.

It's given me the right old 'Ick'!

Decent men don't generally end up divorced.

Most divorces are men who are dickheads (and often cheaters) being divorced by their unfortunate wives.

The fact he's a 50 yr old divorce already tells you a lot about him. Kids involved too by the sounds of it.

Hos behaviour is probably not something post divorce flux, as a poster or two has suggested,; more like the reason he ended up divorced. He is a bit of a predator abd had poor boundaries, and lacks integrity.

That's what you'd be with op; if he did want a relationship. Be glad he doesn't.

I bet his ex could tell you a few stories.

Ride it out, hopefully if he gets the new job, maybe you won't have to see much of him.

The important thing is ots a good job abd you need it.

Many a person has had bad experiences and done foolish things after a divorce or ltr breakdown. You're very vulnerable without realising just how vulnerable you are.

Don't message him anymore, except totally necessary work msgs in work.

Im sure if you think back to the weekend without ruse tinted glasses or through the lens of rejection, you vould see things that are all wonderful or prefect about him whether his physique, technique, whatever. Take him off the pedestal and think about those.

@Hont1986

I agree Ciaobaby, OP behaved awfully by taking advantage of this recently divorced man when she knows how vulnerable he is. I mean she partook of his most private self, after all

You speak for yourself, Hont1986. Your opinion on the matter has nothing to do with me. He is OPs superior, in a position of authority, and now excluding her from required training after having sex with her. He's a POS. Really have to wonder about people who excuse this behavior.

You were also unwise to pursue something romantic with a work colleague,/boss, im afraid

Don't shit where you eat.

Seems like you need to take a timeout from dating and relationships til youre you're bot more recovered, settled happy and try your utmost to build up your life outside work.

He's a POS.

He's behaved very poorly going out with and having sex with a subordinate he knows is vulnerable and has Bern having problems.

Op has also acted unwisely, asking him out and shagging him.

I think.we all need "Remember Monica Lewinsky" t-shirts when we enter workplaces.

Oh and if he comes back after the interview, or some time in the future or tipsy at a work do, looking for a rerun; don't go there.

OP,
I found myself in a similar situation to you about 10 yrs ago.
I started working for a company, got on well with one of the supervisors who was going through a separation. I had recently split with my ex so we confided in each other.
We met up outside of work and slept together a few times then he didn’t show up for work and I found out he’d walked out of the job and was working elsewhere. He ghosted me.
I was crestfallen & lost but in time, came to terms with the fact I’d been a rebound.
I was so embarrassed as ppl at work knew we’d been together so I resigned and got another job.
6 months later, met my DH.
I’d suggest one of you leave the workplace and if he’s been there 20 yrs, I’d look for another job OP and try to draw a line under it.

It makes me chuckle a bit how everyone tells OP to maintain a dignified silence - because nobody told me that rule when it happened to me.

I tried it for a while and did nothing for some time. Then at some point I snapped and had an enormous screaming blazing row with him 😂

It's actually quite funny thinking back, as I was only about 25, and he was in his 40s and extremely controlling. I really don't think he ever expected me to stand up to him. He was absolutely shell shocked and had no idea what to do 🤣🤣🤣. Sometimes men do need to be told when they're being a tw@t, manager or not!

I'm absolutely not suggesting that you do this OP (you're less likely to get away with it at 39!). However, you need to prepared for the fact that emotions can get more intense when you're stuck working with this person and seeing them on a daily basis. In my case, he behaved like a complete arse for months afterwards. If things remain bad, then you may need to speak to HR. You don't have to make a complaint, you can just say that you feel uncomfortable with the line management situation and they might be able to do something (like give you a different line manager).

OP didn’t ‘get what she deserved’.

OP hasn’t done anything wrong and doesn’t ‘deserve’ anything.

@Allsortsofroses

He's a POS.

He's behaved very poorly going out with and having sex with a subordinate he knows is vulnerable and has Bern having problems.

Op has also acted unwisely, asking him out and shagging him.

I think.we all need "Remember Monica Lewinsky" t-shirts when we enter workplaces.

Yes...I believe OPs manager acted out of malice, whereas OP made a bad decision based on pain and loneliness. I can certainly empathize.

Acted out of malice? He maliciously shagged her so he could dump her later? 🤣

Look sometimes folks hook up. Sometimes they think it’s going some place, sometimes after spending more time with the person you realise you’d rather not. That’s all that happened here. Not every shag turns into marriage of a proper relationship.

All that should have happened here is he should have told her I’m not feeling it after spending the weekend with you and would not like to proceed with you further. That’s all he’s done wrong. Not spelling it out to her.

All that should have happened here is he should have told her I’m not feeling it after spending the weekend with you and would not like to proceed with you further. That’s all he’s done wrong. Not spelling it out to her.

The responses on this thread 😳

'All he's done wrong'?!

He is her manager, he has completely mistepped professionally by sleeping with her.

Having done so, as a manager and a human being, it is absolutely reasonable to expect that he would discuss the situation with OP & ensure she felt ok in terms of work especially, moving ahead - that's in addition to letting her know where he was at on terms of seeing her again.

Of course it's fine not to want more than a one night stand (or equivalent) but the context matters here. They had a build up to this weekend, he is her manager, there are implications for her professional life.