Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

@whatdoidonow11

It's 'too late now' to join the training. It'll be next week, just myself and a senior colleague probably

I'd be interested to know whether it'll be your line manager that does your training.

I'm a trainer - it's my sole role but I'd still be pissed off if I had to do an additional session because someone was forgotten. I'd bend over backwards to find a way to accommodate them in the original session, to make my own life easier.
If it's a Zoom call it makes no sense that you can't join unless you take calls, for example, and they need enough staff on the floor to accommodate customers.

@whatdoidonow11

To be honest, I appreciate everyone's advice, like I said I don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm feeling quite down about it all really. At best I hoped to continue to see him, at worst I expected him to be kind and call it off. Not ignore, I really don't like being ignored. Ghosting is fine if I met the guy on tinder or something.

I feel really quite horrible about myself.

But ignoring you is the response, OP. Unless you both agreed you'd only sleep together if it was a relationship - you took the risk that the one weekend stand was all it was - a one off. 2 lonely people reeling from bad breakups in need of comfort and solace. And he obviously (wrongly) assumed you saw the weekend the way he did - a bit of casual fun. You've then expressed an interest in more and given he's your boss, he is likely worried about outright rejecting you. As he can't predict how you'll react and what trouble you could cause for him. If he spoke to legal counsel the advice he'd be given will be to not acknowledge that something happened and not have any communications that could be misconstrued. If you were the boss and he was the junior, you might feel the same tbf. Just want to ignore it and hope the person gets the message without any confrontations or awkwardness.

It's not great behaviour but given the work complications and his seniority over you, you were never going to get the kind of honesty you'd expect from a date. It's just too dangerous to risk a career over. So it's not that he's forgotten you, he's protecting himself after realising you're not on the same page as him regarding the fling. And I think take a page from his book and also place your career over this fling.

[quote JinglingHellsBells]@TheRigatonini Wow- what a horrible phrase for you to write. I have repeated what the OP wrote in her first post, about how she pursued him. If you see her as a slut, I'm sorry you had to write that. She is not a slut but she did do the running and she did ask for more after their weekend. Have you actually read all of her first post?[/quote]
I don’t see her as a ‘slut’ at all - I am talking about the tone of your posts.

It doesn't make sense that you can't join, since it's on zoom. As a pp said, it would be so much easier to accommodate you tomorrow than have an individual session another time. Is the trainer agreeing to this?

I'd keep the emails and notes of what's been said about this. Hopefully just a stupid mistake on your manager's part, but if he is trying to deliberately mess things up for you at work, then you want a paper trail.

As I said before, he does not seem like a very nice man.

And in fact @JinglingHellsBells I didn’t use the word ‘slut’ at all in my post – I used the word ‘slut-shaming’ about your posts. Which is is conceptually opposed to calling any one ‘slur’ or similar. If you’re not familiar with the term look it up.

Your recent comment is a very transparent and clumsy attempt at slyly trying to confuse what was said. You know perfectly well I didn’t suggest anything of the sort about the OP.

I genuinely don't get why people are defending this man.

Yes it's possible that he realised too late that spending the weekend having sex with one of the people he line manages at work was a bad idea. I mean, it's possible that never occurred to him until after they slept together. If he's really fucking stupid. Sure. So then he, a great (very stupid) guy and not a manipulative arsehole, says, "hey you know what, I'm so sorry I got totally carried away with this but it can't go any further while we're working together and I'm your direct manager. It just wouldn't be right. I really messed up here. I guess I thought it could be a casual thing but now I realise that was dumb since we work together. Can we talk about how we're going to deal with this because obviously it's going to create problems with our professional relationship unless we resolve it now so we both feel okay."

Like, in what world is he just some poor guy who doesn't know how to handle some needy text messages from a woman he's slept with? He's her manager. He should have thought this through. But sounds like what he actually thought was, hey she likes me, I'll fuck her, and the professional fall out will be her problem to deal with because I'm her boss so I can manipulate the situation however I choose.

Why no contact with family and not seeing friends?

It sounded like you wanted everything from this man - pinned all your hopes on him?

Can you find a way to see friends more? Even if you don't see family - what about lunch with a friend?

Why so lonely? That doesn't help if you've got no one else in real life to share this with.

I'm a trainer - it's my sole role but I'd still be pissed off if I had to do an additional session because someone was forgotten. I'd bend over backwards to find a way to accommodate them in the original session, to make my own life easier.
If it's a Zoom call it makes no sense that you can't join unless you take calls, for example, and they need enough staff on the floor to accommodate customers.

Quite. I am also involved in training as part of my job and agree with this. @Bluntness100 suggested that it might be to do with pairings being allocated, breakout groups organised etc but if that’s the case, how is it possible for OP to be given this training 1 to 1 at a later date? Sounds highly questionable to me and you sound remarkably passive in not requiring a proper explanation from whoever is telling you this OP.

No one in this situation needs defending. Two fully grown, single adults had consensual sex. One would have liked it to go further, the other didn't and that's ok. I think the OP's jump to "victim" status is concerning though.

@whatdoidonow11, I think this episode has shown that you are not ready for dating. And I agree with PP that you would be better working on yourself (in therapy) and your friendships/family relationships rather than pinning your hopes on finding a man.

Yes to what you just said @TooBigForMyBoots. 100%

At best I hoped to continue to see him, at worst I expected him to be kind and call it off

I think from what you’ve written at best you hoped for a serious relationship. There was nothing to call off op, you were not in a relationship, which you need t9 be to call it off. I’m sorry.

If you’re not familiar with the term look it up. I am very familiar with it @TheRigatonini and I'd like you to consider retracting you accusation which is way off the mark of whatever I wrote and only serves to upset the OP more, having read your phrase.

I can't believe anyone is defending the manager in this! He slept with one of his employees with sex obviously bring his only intent and is then ignoring her and possibly making things difficult for her at work.

He is in a position of responsibility and should never have been sleeping with his staff. If he was thinking this could be a relationship but then changed his mind then the right thing to do would be to talk to her and end things nicely and properly. Not just stop responding. That's cowardly and horrible and completely unnecessary.

@RavingAnnie

I can't believe anyone is defending the manager in this! He slept with one of his employees with sex obviously bring his only intent and is then ignoring her and possibly making things difficult for her at work.

He is in a position of responsibility and should never have been sleeping with his staff. If he was thinking this could be a relationship but then changed his mind then the right thing to do would be to talk to her and end things nicely and properly. Not just stop responding. That's cowardly and horrible and completely unnecessary.

No one disagrees with you and no one is defending, what people are saying is this was two adults who mutually consented to sex. The first move was made by the op. He did not promise her a relationship, yes he’s handling the communication poorly. And depending on company policy they both may have done wrong professionally but at a base level this is two people who hooked up for sex willingly and one didn’t wish to see the other again. That’s allowed. You can have sex with soneone and then not want to have a relationship with them.

I’d be coming down much harder on his position if he’d slept with the intern straight out of uni, after giving her the idea they were definitely going to be an item...

As it is the two of them are all but equals. I certainly would consider myself on par with and on equal footing to any man I’d ever consider sleeping with no matter our perceived status at work.

At the age of 40-something a woman should be able to choose to sleep with someone without becoming an instant victim if it doesn’t go any further (I’d take a very dim view of being cast as a victim in that scenario).

Or, it if happens once and you end up in a complete tailspin, the woman in question ought to come swiftly to the conclusion that casual sex is not for her, that in future she must be careful not to build up ideas of a relationship when that’s not actually the case.

If I want to sleep with my manager I can. I don’t want people policing it and I don’t want him to automatically be cast as the powerful one and me as the one with no agency!

Sorry...30-something.

It’s understandable that OP is struggling a bit, mind, if she’s been married for a long time/for most of her adult life. You often find yourself reverting back to being a bit more naive in the same way you were when you were last dating.

The way you have been referring to the OP in your recent posts is unpleasant @JinglingHellsBells and I pointed this out. You’re welcome to read my posts again - they all still stand.

”The OP offered herself on a plate.”

”If anyone ought to feel guilt it's her.”

“she offered herself to him naked on a plate”

Yuck.

@JinglingHellsBells

Having sex with someone isn't the equivalent of sharing a packet of crisps. There are often emotional implications, particularly where there is an existing relationship.

I'm not saying that OP is a victim or that she should necessarily complain to HR, but he is her line manager and the way that he is trying to avoid the situation is immature and disrespectful. He's 50 ffs, not 14.

He has a responsibility to ensure that she is not made to feel uncomfortable at work because of this. If I were in his position, I would talk to her, apologise for crossing a line and giving the wrong impression, and make it clear that although I respected her as a colleague, I didn't want things to go further. That way, both parties can move on and hopefully maintain a good relationship. The current situation is just nasty and totally unacceptable.

It’s not great. But OP doesn’t need his help or, effectively, permission, to feel okay about this. OP doesn’t need anything from this man that she can’t just as easily create for herself through her own actions. Style it out, fake it ‘til you make it and get on with getting your work done. Don’t wait around for the man to deign to address things. Fuck that shit, seriously. Just make up your own mind that you’ll give it no more headspace. And next time don’t sleep with the colleague you’re attracted to.

If people don’t want potential awkwardness and/or issues at work then they need to keep it professional with colleagues at all times, and that includes men and women regardless of what position one holds in the scenario. Again, this is obviously very different when there is a huge disparity in power or in ages or where is a genuine vulnerability.

He does not owe her an explanation he doesn’t wish to see her again but he should give her an explanation, . Not because he made such an offer to her and then changed his mind, , but because she wants to see him again and feels upset about him not wanting to see her.

But he’s fifty, she’s nearly forty, these aren’t kids, yes the op is in a bad place, and maybe he didn’t realise quite what he was getting into until it panned out over those three days.

We can all sit here saying oh this is what he should do, but likely he doesn’t even know how to handle it himself, as what he possibly thought was some flirting and shagging between two adults turned into the op staying for three days and wanting a serious relationship

Oh yes I’m certainly not defending his actions. Men who won’t just tackle difficult or awkward situations do piss me off. It’s so cowardly. He should’ve done the honourable thing. He didn’t.

But OP has power here, just as she had agency in what she chose to do.

It really isn’t a big deal & it isn’t helpful to OP

Oops!

...to insist on characterising it as some huge manipulation in which she was/is powerless and must now feel forever stupid and wronged and fearful for her position in her job.

No need.

I don't think anyone is characterising this as a situation where OP is some powerless victim. But there has been an awful lot of "oh dear, your poor manager, aren't you crazy to think he should have been honest with you, you crazy bunny boiler, you. What a poor guy, having to deal with your unrealistic expectations."

OP should not have slept with her manager. That was dumb. Her manager DEFINITELY should not have slept with her, or even let it get to a point where that was a remote possibility. Okay, people are human and make mistakes, so it happened. But once it happened, yes, he absolutely does have a responsibility to communicate honestly with OP, if only to reassure her that she will be able to keep doing her job without any issues. Because he's her manager at work. And if he wanted to, he could cause her a lot of problems. (And potentially, she could cause him problems too - but it sounds like he's been very savvy about that, controlling the communication so that he can make himself look like a victim if necessary.)

I could understand if he was some random she met on tinder - still pretty shitty behaviour but whatever. But it's her manager. He line manages her. He has direct control over her day to day experience at work. How do people still think he's the good guy?

But there has been an awful lot of "oh dear, your poor manager, aren't you crazy to think he should have been honest with you, you crazy bunny boiler, you. What a poor guy, having to deal with your unrealistic expectations."

Are you on the wrong thread? Or did you indulge is so much hyperbole that it becomes bizzare? No one has said that. How very odd.

Ahh OP, for what it's worth, I totally feel your pain. Strip away all the work complications, and you're left with a situation where you spent several seemingly lovely and intimate days with a guy who you believed was on the same page as you - because he led you to believe that. It seemed totally right at the time. And then subsequently he's treated you like shit by barely acknowledging it even happened. Whatever situation this is framed by, it's a truly shitty thing of him to do to you. I'm so sorry this has happened.

Then add in that he's a work colleague, and it gets even more loaded for you as you're faced with it every day. It really sucks and I honestly feel for you. It must be on your mind so much, and now with the whole training issue (which I can't help but think is some kind of cynical punishing move by him) it's even harder to avoid in your head and wonder how this will pan out. It's like you're not even allowed to forget or move on!

I think it might just be a matter of having to ride it out for the moment if you can, and see what happens. I know it's incredibly hard (I've just had a very similar situation recently, though with a local friend of a few years instead of a colleague) and this tack sounds a bit passive, I realise, but perhaps for the best. And it's honestly not easy to get through as you're second-guessing what you could have done differently/over-analysing everything you said or did. The fact is, from what you've stated, I really don't think you did anything wrong. The groundwork had been already set by the both of you - it felt to me as though he was testing you to see if you wanted to take things further because there was a mutual attraction. And you both did - that's fine! It wasn't as if it was a brief couple of regretful hours in a motel room! It was mutual and consensual and over several days.

So shame on him for being such a coward afterwards! Yes, I'm a bit biased, but that's what he is in my mind - a coward! You hold your head up, lovely, and act as you normally would. If the arsehole comes crawling back in a personal/emotional way, you hold your head up high and be perfectly professional.

Meantime... lots of self-care and doing just what you want, even if that means lying on your bed staring at the ceiling wondering what the hell just happened. You'll be fine... it'll just take time.