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Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
HaggisBurger · 08/12/2021 12:59

I really doubt that this guy has completely erased this from his mind!!! In today’s culture of much less tolerance of abuse of position etc I am quite sure he is having a period of “wtf have I done”… (despite my agreeing that both parties went into this consensually etc).
Particularly given he is senior to OP and it’s a large organisation. His thoughts were on the “professionalism” aspect of drinks together right from the get go. Seems like when it headed to sex he thought he might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb …and is now regretting it. Which is probably nothing to do with op and a lot more to do with him.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 13:01

I* think OP is getting a rough time on here, so many posters desperate to prove how coooool they would be if they were treated like that.*

It's not about being 'cool', it's about being as professional as possible after shagging your boss and not acting like he's a boyfriend whose gone cold.

TheRigatonini · 08/12/2021 13:12

@Ticksallboxes

OP I've read all your replies and some of the responses and I really don't think a lot of the posters are being entirely honest with themselves, and you're really getting an unnecessarily hard time on here

I agree with the advice that you have to chase up your place on the training to look professional but I absolutely sympathise with how you are feeling.

This guy kept in touch with you while you were on sick leave. He also kept in touch out of work when you returned from sick leave. He then told you that you were beautiful after your drink date and then encouraged you to stay at his house for a few days after you'd had sex.

I think any woman who had that experience, particularly with a manager they work close with, would be feeling devastated right now - it's a complete mind-f**k IMO.

He's been incredibly selfish and downright unkind and I can't believe he can't just spare 10 minutes to text what a nice time he had but that he's not ready for a relationship etc etc. Then at least you could get over it and just move on.

The only other thing that occurred to me was that he may be just completely focusing on this job interview and has just rather selfishly compartmentalised you as something to be resumed at a later date, and in the meantime wants to keep a professional distance so it doesn't jeopardise his chances. Not great but better than the former!

100% agree with this.
mm40 · 08/12/2021 13:16

@HaggisBurger

I really doubt that this guy has completely erased this from his mind!!! In today’s culture of much less tolerance of abuse of position etc I am quite sure he is having a period of “wtf have I done”… (despite my agreeing that both parties went into this consensually etc). Particularly given he is senior to OP and it’s a large organisation. His thoughts were on the “professionalism” aspect of drinks together right from the get go. Seems like when it headed to sex he thought he might as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb …and is now regretting it. Which is probably nothing to do with op and a lot more to do with him.
Exactly this with extra bells on.
todaysdilemma · 08/12/2021 13:24

I would get to the bottom of the training thing ASAP today, OP. So it can't be explained away by him as an 'error' and since you didn't follow up, he hadn't realised it had happened. Then you're stuck if this training was essential to your work, another hasn't been scheduled and he can downgrade your performance on failure to complete it.

It might all be completely innocuous obviously, but given all the behind the scenes drama, better be safe than sorry. Or if it really is an admin error, you can catch it now. Make sure you have a document trail of how hard you have pushed to stay on this training so no one can say it was your mistake.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/12/2021 13:34

Hi (name),

I've been informed I'm no longer on the training zoom this week and wondered if you could confirm this is the case?

If so, please could you let me know what the plan is as regards me completing the training as I'm conscious it's necessary for my job role.

Many thanks,

(Name)

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 13:39

I did receive a response about the training. He thought he had added everyone but had forgotten me. He is going to organise something for next week, just for myself
Don't know what to make of that

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 08/12/2021 13:54

It’d tomorrow. It’s by Zoom. Why can’t you just be added back in now? You need to ask this question.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 14:02

@whatdoidonow11

I did receive a response about the training. He thought he had added everyone but had forgotten me. He is going to organise something for next week, just for myself Don't know what to make of that
Sounds like a legitimate mistake - are you the newest member of the team? It might be the list existed before you started.
TheRigatonini · 08/12/2021 14:03

That’s pretty weird @whatdoidonow11

Aye, I would be inclined to say - do you mind if I join in the one over zoom tomorrow? If you can think of some reason to back you up too - if there’s something you can apply this week or if you could go over stuff with a colleague in the same training or something afterwards

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 14:15

@girlmom21 I'm not the newest member, the training was for new members which should've included me.
I've asked if I can just join tomorrow, if it's not too late

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 14:15

Should I say 'newer' members

OP posts:
HaveringWavering · 08/12/2021 14:19

[quote whatdoidonow11]@girlmom21 I'm not the newest member, the training was for new members which should've included me.
I've asked if I can just join tomorrow, if it's not too late [/quote]
On what grounds could it possibly be too late? Let us know the outcome.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 14:20

It can quite easily be too late if folks are paired up, groups organised, break out groups sorted etc, seems the senior trainer has said no.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 14:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRigatonini · 08/12/2021 14:26

She offered herself up and suggested it became a relationship.

She offered herself up on a plate

This phrase is gross, you sound like a pervy old man or some housewife from the 1950s.

TheRigatonini · 08/12/2021 14:31

If anyone ought to feel guilt it's her.

Hang on, the OP should feel guilty?

She offered herself up and suggested it became a relationship

Talk about embarrassing the guy who was only taking what was offered.

She offered herself up on a plate

Plain old fashioned slut-shaming

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 08/12/2021 14:32

No one needs to feel any guilt. 🙄🙄

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 14:36

To be honest, I appreciate everyone's advice, like I said I don't have anyone to talk to.

I'm feeling quite down about it all really. At best I hoped to continue to see him, at worst I expected him to be kind and call it off. Not ignore, I really don't like being ignored. Ghosting is fine if I met the guy on tinder or something.

I feel really quite horrible about myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 14:37

It's 'too late now' to join the training. It'll be next week, just myself and a senior colleague probably

OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 08/12/2021 14:37

[quote whatdoidonow11]@girlmom21 I'm not the newest member, the training was for new members which should've included me.
I've asked if I can just join tomorrow, if it's not too late [/quote]
That's good you've asked. It is sloppy of a line manager to forget to add someone to an essential training especially if it's just a few of you. But it could be a genuine mistake. If I were the senior trainer id be annoyed at having to do another special training just for one person because of someone else's mistake though! So either way just reflects poorly on him. Hard to tell if it was intentional or not but some people are just rubbish at admin tasks.

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 14:37

I was forgotten regarding the training, I've obviously been forgotten about in other respects

OP posts:
JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 14:40

@TheRigatonini Wow- what a horrible phrase for you to write. I have repeated what the OP wrote in her first post, about how she pursued him. If you see her as a slut, I'm sorry you had to write that. She is not a slut but she did do the running and she did ask for more after their weekend. Have you actually read all of her first post?

JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 14:45

At best I hoped to continue to see him, at worst I expected him to be kind and call it off. Not ignore, I really don't like being ignored.

What was there to call off?

People have their own ways of 'calling things off'. His has been to distance himself. He hopes you will pick up the clues. Generally, a lot of men just walk away and become distant. They think it's less hurtful than saying 'Look, I had a great time but don't want to take it further.'

But really there was nothing to call off. You were not in a relationship. It was really a one night stand that was spread over the weekend.

Do you think that if people don't comply with your way of wanting something, you seem to get angry with them?

Please think about counselling to work through this. I think you need to consider a lot of things before you start dating again otherwise this experience may be repeated.

grapewine · 08/12/2021 14:53

But he wasn't ignoring you. Dial it down for your own sake.

There's no reason to feel bad about yourself, but if you keep thinking about it, it will grow so much bigger in your mind and even more difficult to manage than it feels now.

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