Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

@Bluntness100 yes, she said I've not been put down for the training and directed me back to my line manager. There may or may not be more, but I'd like to know. I'm not going to say anything today

[quote Bluntness100]@dollbaby868, why the explanation marks? The op herself has said she’s got hardly anything done and normal behavuour would be to email and ask if she’s not to do the training or if there has been an error. Not panic and come on mumsnet.[/quote]
@Bluntness100 the exclamation marks is because I'm agreeing with everything you've said....

[quote whatdoidonow11]@Bluntness100 yes, she said I've not been put down for the training and directed me back to my line manager. There may or may not be more, but I'd like to know. I'm not going to say anything today [/quote]
Were you definitely included originally?

Do say anything today, just email him and say

Hi,

I notice I am not on x training tomorrow, just wondered if more coming up or if I should plan to join,

Thanks

Yes were you definitely scheduled to do the training op

And @dollbaby868, ah ok, thanks.

There is nothing to explain. Most men have a much lower threshold for a sexual partner than a relationship partner.
You had sex and he doesn't want anything more. Novel sexual partners are inherently "interesting" for most men.
That doesn't necessarily make him a bad person. It doesn't sound like he was making any promises in the direction of a LTR.
What could he really tell you that would leave you feeling better?
Move on, change roles if it's too awkward for you and take this as a learning moment.

Per the training, tell the senior colleague that as far as you know, you're supposed to be on the training. Ask him if you can just join and if not who you should contact to sort this out. If it's a fairly large org, there is likely to be a central team for sealing with queries such as these.

If you completely erase from your head the events of the weekend, as if they had not occurred, what would you do if you had been removed from a training event? (assuming you knew you were on the list in the first place?)

That's what you do now.

@JinglingHellsBells

If you completely erase from your head the events of the weekend, as if they had not occurred, what would you do if you had been removed from a training event? (assuming you knew you were on the list in the first place?)

That's what you do now.

Exactly. You behave normally.

If you were scheduled to do it, then email him as I suggested, if you were not scheduled to do it, then what’s the issue?

What did the person delivering say? Just that you've not been included?

I would respond and say something along the lines of, "Apologies, there has obviously been a misunderstanding. I was booked into this training on [date] and was told I need to undergo the training in order to do [this aspect of my job]. As the training session is taking place over Zoom, is it okay for me to join tomorrow as planned?"

If the training is an essential part of the job, they can't just not include you in the training, as that would be discriminatory. I suspect it's just a mistake which can be easily sorted. I would cc in both your line manager and the training colleague in all your emails.

Yes, I third that advice.

@girlmom21

Send an email to both your manager and the person running the training and say you understand some material has been sent out in preparation for the training but you haven't received it and can you please have it sent over.

Perfect

Ah just seen update about reply from the more senior person

So just email your line manager to let him know you were scheduled to attend this training but haven’t received the training pack as you’re not on the list, would it be possible to get hold of these (or words to that effect).

And cc in the senior manager who is delivering the training.

Is the subtext to this @whatdoidonow11 that you feel there is some agenda going on by the man you slept with?

Are you saying you think he has withdrawn you from the training for some reason? (So your paths don't cross perhaps, or he is being vindictive in some way?)

Unless it's one of those, why are you worried about following normal practice, which would be to email the people involved and query what's happened?

@JinglingHellsBells

Yeah I think that’s exactly what the OP is worried about!

If you hadn't slept with your line manager and you found out today you had been left off tomorrow's training would you have spoken to him about it? If yes then in order to act 'normally' you need to ping him an email to say it would seem you've been missed off tomorrow training session can he look into it for you please.

That is his role as your direct manager.
In not doing so you are not acting normally.

I would just cease all communication via text or WhatsApp. My oh holds a senior position and directs anyone of his staff away from text contact.

And by contacting him via email to enquire he has a duty to respond accordingly, if you sense there is something underhand going on then you have an email trail if you need to raise it with HR moving forward.

Two final thoughts...

I think it is easy to project one's own feelings onto someone else.

OP- you feel uncomfortable now at work with him but that doesn't mean he does too. Being really blunt, he will be back where he was before your weekend together. I doubt he will be agonising over it or posting on a forum asking for advice. So, I doubt very much if he has withdrawn your place on the training or even asked someone else to.

Likewise, what comes over is that are angry with yourself.
Your first post shows you did all the running and it's backfired.
You knew that was possible - you wrote that- but went ahead anyway.

But dont now direct your anger at him, when all he's done is meet your worst expectations!

You went into this with your eyes open (supposedly- from your first post.)

Not only did you ask him out, you slept with him, stayed for 3 days, and then sent him a text saying you hoped it would progress to something deeper.

He doesn't have anything to feel ashamed of, it's you who feels ashamed, so don't make it his issue.

As others have said, maybe look into some counselling so you can understand your own boundaries and 'read the room' a little more?

Yes to everything @JinglingHellsBells said above.

My place was removed from the training, and something is going to be organised for another time. I do not know why.

Ok. No big deal. Don’t read anything else into it.

Step back. Be less intense about things.

Everything is fine. Your job will be fine. You will be fine.

OP I've read all your replies and some of the responses and I really don't think a lot of the posters are being entirely honest with themselves, and you're really getting an unnecessarily hard time on here

I agree with the advice that you have to chase up your place on the training to look professional but I absolutely sympathise with how you are feeling.

This guy kept in touch with you while you were on sick leave. He also kept in touch out of work when you returned from sick leave. He then told you that you were beautiful after your drink date and then encouraged you to stay at his house for a few days after you'd had sex.

I think any woman who had that experience, particularly with a manager they work close with, would be feeling devastated right now - it's a complete mind-f**k IMO.

He's been incredibly selfish and downright unkind and I can't believe he can't just spare 10 minutes to text what a nice time he had but that he's not ready for a relationship etc etc. Then at least you could get over it and just move on.

The only other thing that occurred to me was that he may be just completely focusing on this job interview and has just rather selfishly compartmentalised you as something to be resumed at a later date, and in the meantime wants to keep a professional distance so it doesn't jeopardise his chances. Not great but better than the former!

@whatdoidonow11

My place was removed from the training, and something is going to be organised for another time. I do not know why.

Says who? When? Ask why.

OP did you have a probation period? There haven't been any concerns raised about your performance since you've been there, have there?

I think so too @Ticksallboxes

I think OP is getting a rough time on here, so many posters desperate to prove how coooool they would be if they were treated like that.

Don’t get me wrong OP should stop texting & move on, and the manager isn’t the worst person to have ever lived, maybe just a bit of a dick, but equally OP isn’t completely unreasonable to feel worried/upset/confused.

@Ticksallboxes You could be cherry picking with your post.

Read the OP's first post again.

It's perfectly clear she knew she was playing with fire .

Look at what she said about the risks of a work affair.
Look at his reply that he'd go for a drink but on professional terms only.
Look at how she flirted with him.

Truly, she offered herself to him naked on a plate.

She's had designs on him since she first set eyes on him. (Again, all in her first post.)

Most red blooded males are going to respond to such blatant chasing and a bit of flattery is part of the dating game.

What is he supposed to say to her? 'Sorry, I enjoyed your company but as for making it into a relationship, no, sorry that was never my agenda.'

That's all he could say.
He didn't lead her on. He doesn't have to apologise for having sex and not wanting a relationship.

The OP asks 'what now'.

I'm bowing out as I need to work (!) BUT I think the focus now ought to be on how she deals with dating, her expectations, how she gets over this experience, and forgives herself .