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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
todaysdilemma · 08/12/2021 10:56

@whatdoidonow11

I should add that the training is over Zoom and not office based.
Are you sure he's removed you then? Could there be any other reason or someone else who has?
girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 10:56

[quote whatdoidonow11]@girlmom21 he is my line manager [/quote]
And has he told you himself you'll no longer be attending the training?

HaggisBurger · 08/12/2021 10:56

@whatdoidonow11 would he be leading this training? / be on this Zoom call?

Sleephappy · 08/12/2021 10:57

Surely you have been given a reason for being removed from training with your colleagues? Are there trainings happening in the future?

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 10:57

A more senior colleague from the team will be leading the training, he will not be there. Looks like he's sent some information out to other colleagues about tomorrow, but I have been left out

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 10:58

I'm a bit panicky today. I haven't got much work done.
I am not sure whether there will be more training. If I don't receive it I'll have to take it further.

OP posts:
Sleephappy · 08/12/2021 10:58

Then follow up with the senior colleague

todaysdilemma · 08/12/2021 11:00

Then ask your line manager if you're still ok to attend the training tomorrow as it's been booked for a while and essential for your job. And you'd prefer to complete it ASAP.

Put the onus on him to explain why he's cancelled it/ you can't attend. Do it by email for audit trail.

Gonnagetgoing · 08/12/2021 11:00

@whatdoidonow11

I'm not a troll but appreciate I'm coming across as a complete loony. I'm not going to message him, anymore about anything. The last text I sent was wishing him luck for his interview and I am cringing at that! I would've liked some closure, or politeness or something but I am only going to make a bad situation worse by continuing contact. I realise this now and without this thread I probably would have made the decision to get in contact again.

I'll have to see about the training. It had been scheduled for tomorrow for a while, there are a few of us in it, so it's not like there's a lack of space or anything.

But I will leave it. I'm not going to ask about it. I have to learn this part of the job so I probably will need to raise it sometime in the next few weeks.

In the meantime I will just continue to feel like an idiot.

Don't feel like an idiot but he owes you nothing, really. You need to separate your heart from your head, realise that sometimes people don't treat you the way you'd like to be treated and move on.

Once you start to think less with your heart and more with your head you will feel much better about this. That's why I mentioned the therapy. You're obviously in a dark place re your marriage ending and need support.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 11:01

Send an email to both your manager and the person running the training and say you understand some material has been sent out in preparation for the training but you haven't received it and can you please have it sent over.

beastlyslumber · 08/12/2021 11:03

@girlmom21

Send an email to both your manager and the person running the training and say you understand some material has been sent out in preparation for the training but you haven't received it and can you please have it sent over.
Do this, OP.
JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 11:03

In your first post you said he was your team leader.

Now when someone asked you to clarify, you say he is your line manager.

It doesn't seem right that another colleague tells you that you are excluded from some training you expected to be on.

Who do you need to contact now to clarify that and why it's happened?

tweezerman · 08/12/2021 11:05

He took advantage of his position. An imbalance of power.

Yes you consented but he should have acted more appropriately giving his 'power' over you.

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 11:06

@JinglingHellsBells I'm trying to be discreet with my language as I concerned about outing myself. I work in a very large 'team' in a professional capacity (I know, I know!)

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 11:06

Op. You need to try to behave normally, forget this happened, what would you do about the training. Just email the senior person, cc him and say hi am I to attend this today. I think you’re now so obsessed wirh this you’re struggling to do anything.

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 11:06

I'm going to go back to my desk and query the training situation.

OP posts:
dollbaby868 · 08/12/2021 11:08

@Bluntness100

Op. You need to try to behave normally, forget this happened, what would you do about the training. Just email the senior person, cc him and say hi am I to attend this today. I think you’re now so obsessed wirh this you’re struggling to do anything.
!!!
HaggisBurger · 08/12/2021 11:08

@whatdoidonow11

I'm going to go back to my desk and query the training situation.
I genuinely doubt he’d do anything as weird as excluding you from training. Aside from anything he’d have had to emailed someone to make that happen … what would he say??? 🤷🏻‍♀️
HaggisBurger · 08/12/2021 11:08

But yes you do need to clarify

JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 11:16

[quote whatdoidonow11]@JinglingHellsBells I'm trying to be discreet with my language as I concerned about outing myself. I work in a very large 'team' in a professional capacity (I know, I know!) [/quote]
The odds of anyone knowing who you are by calling him either your team leader or your line manager is non existent.

Out of the millions of people in the UK in a workplace, how can this identify you or him?

Yummypumpkin · 08/12/2021 11:16

Re the training

Obviously it is important

But leave it a while before raising it

It is all too raw and recent

Don't make more conflict or prolong the drama

Just do your work and raise the training in a week or two

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 11:17

@dollbaby868, why the explanation marks? The op herself has said she’s got hardly anything done and normal behavuour would be to email and ask if she’s not to do the training or if there has been an error. Not panic and come on mumsnet.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 11:18

@Yummypumpkin

Re the training

Obviously it is important

But leave it a while before raising it

It is all too raw and recent

Don't make more conflict or prolong the drama

Just do your work and raise the training in a week or two

Don’t do this. There might not be more training as you said. Just email and ask normally, it might have been an error.
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 11:24

I emailed the senior colleague who is delivering the training, I've definitely not been included in the group for tomorrow. What should I do? Ask when the next training is scheduled for?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 11:25

@whatdoidonow11

I emailed the senior colleague who is delivering the training, I've definitely not been included in the group for tomorrow. What should I do? Ask when the next training is scheduled for?
Did the colleague respond yet?