Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 10:19

I'm starting to think he's done this before.....

OP posts:
TheRigatonini · 08/12/2021 10:20

Did you manage to retrieve those texts OP?

Honestly just don’t react to the training thing – I would say at most you could just ask politely why it’s been swapped, but it sounds like you are in a state of heightened emotion and the conversation could escalate quickly into something unprofessional.

You will make an uncomfortable situation much much worse – just accept it feels shit and try to focus on something else for now.

Talk to us here instead.

TooBigForMyBoots · 08/12/2021 10:21

@whatdoidonow11

I'm starting to think he's done this before.....
Why are you thinking that?Xmas Confused
HelloNope · 08/12/2021 10:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 10:23

Who makes the decision on training?

TheRigatonini · 08/12/2021 10:24

@whatdoidonow11

The extra training is part of my job - it's required
That’s easy then – just ask when it will be rescheduled for or just wait to be given a new date. If it’s required for your role, it will be rescheduled.

Maybe the other colleague had a clash. Maybe not but don’t get worked up about it. You’re in a better position while you’re just observing but not reacting. This will help you make decisions about how to move forward – but in the meantime keep your cards close to your chest.

PizzaCrust · 08/12/2021 10:25

Oh Christ, OP, just give it up already.

We’ve already established he hasn’t ghosted you. We’ve already established what’s most likely happened from his perspective. And no matter the PPs points of view, everyone agrees you shouldn’t message him.

For the love of God, stop giving this guy mind space and move on. You messaging again is not going to fix or do anything. It will only make you appear unhinged.

At the end of the day, you had sex and hung out at his house for one weekend. That’s it. You weren’t dating. You weren’t exclusive. You were not led on by him, as you did the chasing yourself. You are 39 years old, not 19. He is recently divorced so was never going to want something serious with you, no matter how well it went. You are not a victim. He did not abuse you.

He changed his mind and yes, maybe he could have been more sensitive in how this was communicated to you, but I honestly believe you would have took this as a challenge and kept going, anyway.

Just. Stop.

You can absolutely query why you’ve been removed from training, but do not text him about it. Ask in person in a professional capacity only. Then go about your day.

At this point, you are starting to harass this man and the only way of saving your dignity is to stop going after him. Unless you want a reputation as a bunny boiler and lose all professional credibility- in that case, keep going.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 10:28

@Glassofshloer Maybe you could stop derailing the thread by picking on a poster? Thank you.

TooBigForMyBoots · 08/12/2021 10:30

When you go on a date with someone you are in a relationship and you are owed closure even if that is just for them to let you know they considered it a one night stand.

One date isn't a relationship.🙈 Even the OP has said He owes me nothing. and she is right about that.

dollbaby868 · 08/12/2021 10:34

When you go on a date with someone you are in a relationship and you are owed closure even if that is just for them to let you know they considered it a one night stand.

In what world are you in a relationship because you went on a date with someone? I think TF NOT

Yummypumpkin · 08/12/2021 10:36

@whatdoidonow11

I was scheduled to complete some training tomorrow but have now been removed from it. I overheard another colleague in my team has been invited (same level as me).
That's lucky for you as the state of mind youre in right now could impact on the success of the training for you and others.

A v sensible decision.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 10:38

I think you need to provide more info. Why have you been removed, what has been said to you as to why? And why are you thinking he’s done this before. It was you who made the initial pass at him. I am sure he has had one night stands before, many folks have,

MrsIglesias · 08/12/2021 10:39

Sounds like you both needed that so I wouldnt say he's used you necessarily (unless I misunderstood!). He's now probably scared for his job and the implication of overstepping professional boundaries. I would stop all non-work communication and be nice, polite and distant to make it clear that you're fine and it's fine and then hopefully you can both move on while giving each other space. Just enjoy the fact it happened if you enjoyed it. Do not imply that you are upset or want to continue seeing him in any way, that will end badly for your career, whether just making you self-conscious in the office or him discriminating against you in some way to save his own ass. IMO.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 10:40

@dollbaby868

When you go on a date with someone you are in a relationship and you are owed closure even if that is just for them to let you know they considered it a one night stand.

In what world are you in a relationship because you went on a date with someone? I think TF NOT

Agree, it’s really scary that anyone thinks if you go on a date you’re now in a relationship and he’s your boyfriend. Creepy even.
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 10:41

I'm not a troll but appreciate I'm coming across as a complete loony. I'm not going to message him, anymore about anything. The last text I sent was wishing him luck for his interview and I am cringing at that!
I would've liked some closure, or politeness or something but I am only going to make a bad situation worse by continuing contact. I realise this now and without this thread I probably would have made the decision to get in contact again.

I'll have to see about the training. It had been scheduled for tomorrow for a while, there are a few of us in it, so it's not like there's a lack of space or anything.

But I will leave it. I'm not going to ask about it. I have to learn this part of the job so I probably will need to raise it sometime in the next few weeks.

In the meantime I will just continue to feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 08/12/2021 10:44

Why has he used her? Why hasn’t she used him?

Did he promise a relationship before they had sex? Or indicate in any way that it was going to become something?

It was sex between two fully fledged adults, both of whom wanted to have it.

I’m going to reiterate it: OP, if you can’t deal with casual sex encounters you need to be very, very careful not to engage in sex like this again. Wait until you’re actually in a relationship.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 08/12/2021 10:45

You don’t need to feel like an idiot. Just stop framing it like that.

You just had some, presumably nice, sex with a man you were attracted to.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 10:46

@whatdoidonow11 can you tell us who makes the decision regarding training?

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 10:50

It's my line manager that makes the decisions about training

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 10:52

Op stop feeling like an idiot. I assume the training has nothing to do with this, it’s just a work schedule thing, is that correct? I suspect you know exactly why the schedule has been changed,

I’d agree with others, do not engage in casual sex before a relationship is confirmed going forward. You clearly felt this was going to be a serious relationship when in reality it was one date and a shag where you likely overstayed your welcome, although hopefully you didn’t also stay when he was at work on thr monday and wait for him to come home.

Just hold your head up and smile. Not every date turns into a relationship or even a serious one.

todaysdilemma · 08/12/2021 10:54

Ah OP, you're still making every decision from a place of shame and a victim. You haven't done anything wrong and just need to accept you liked someone who doesn't like you in the same way. Stop catastrophising!

The training - you need to ask and find out why you've been removed! Stop letting this affect your work and falling into self pity. If he is the only person who has the authority to remove you and has, reach out to him and ask. It doesn't have to involve a discussion of anything personal. But anything that adversely affects your work and career development does need to be dealt with. Stop treating him like a guy you dated and treat him like your manager that he is, and have the same expectations you would have had of him (as a team lead) prior to the weekend.

HaggisBurger · 08/12/2021 10:54

@whatdoidonow11

I'm not a troll but appreciate I'm coming across as a complete loony. I'm not going to message him, anymore about anything. The last text I sent was wishing him luck for his interview and I am cringing at that! I would've liked some closure, or politeness or something but I am only going to make a bad situation worse by continuing contact. I realise this now and without this thread I probably would have made the decision to get in contact again.

I'll have to see about the training. It had been scheduled for tomorrow for a while, there are a few of us in it, so it's not like there's a lack of space or anything.

But I will leave it. I'm not going to ask about it. I have to learn this part of the job so I probably will need to raise it sometime in the next few weeks.

In the meantime I will just continue to feel like an idiot.

You’re not an idiot @whatdoidonow11. You are just someone looking for love and companionship - same as us all!! You haven’t been treated that well, but mistakes probably made by you both. We are all human.

Well done you for listening to the over whelming advice of don’t message.

The number of times I’ve regretted saying something, sending an email or a text. I can’t think of a time I’ve ever regretted saying nothing.

Is there something lovely you could do for yourself this evening? Please be kind to yourself.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 10:54

@whatdoidonow11

It's my line manager that makes the decisions about training
Is this man your line manager or team leader?
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 10:54

I should add that the training is over Zoom and not office based.

OP posts:
Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 10:55

@girlmom21 he is my line manager

OP posts: