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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
diddl · 08/12/2021 09:41

@Yummypumpkin

Please don't.

Please just act professionally at work and stop the emotionally laden messages to him.

Yup!
Lovemusic33 · 08/12/2021 09:42

@Pipsquiggle

Please do NOT text him. This is the wrong course of action. You are coming across as desperate and needy to us so God knows what your manager will think.

The best thing to is to act professionally at work

Agree with this, pay it cool, don’t contact him, carry on working as normal, don’t let him think he’s got to you or you will just look desperate.
baileys6904 · 08/12/2021 09:46

Sounds to me like this could have been a budding relationship but OP has got a bit carrjed away with the idea and he has realised and trying to back things up as realised they are incompatible with expectations.

OP you did the chasing. You've admitted that. Did you think then about what you'd do if he'd said no? At any point along this, did you not consider the possibility of what you would do if this went south? Surely you thought about the risks involved? So why is it so much of a ' oh what do I do?' and 'I'm not putting up with this shit'. At first I had sympathies but the way it's come out, you've wnated people to think you've been ghosted, when actually you haven't, how much more is there that's been said that you've either not listened to or don't want to acknowledge / share

shivermetimbers77 · 08/12/2021 09:47

While I feel for you OP and have been through similar in the past, I would echo the others who have said to just leave it at this point. I suspect he really enjoyed your company and the sex, but has realised he does not want a relationship with someone at work and it’s all feeling a bit too much too soon. So he is trying to give you the message that he doesn’t want anything more, without saying anything directly. A bit cowardly yes, but not a crime. I would say just chalk it up to experience OP and move on. This won’t go anywhere. I wish wish wish someone had given me this advice (or I had listened to it!) when I was in this situation in the past as I spent far too much time chasing or getting annoyed with disinterested men. It’s just not worth it OP, and always leaves you feeling awful.
Someone better will come along soon.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 09:48

Please don’t message op, just leave it be,

Out of curiosity when you stayed Monday was he with you or was he at work?

Glassofshloer · 08/12/2021 09:48

@JinglingHellsBells you need to take your own advice and step away from this thread now 😂

FairFuming · 08/12/2021 09:49

He's being weird cos he is worried you will kick up a stink and effect his promotion chances.
Possibly the only reason he is replying at all still.

He's a shit. He got in there as a friend while you were vulnerable and then used that influence to get sex then backed right off.

You need to see if there's any local groups you can connect with or hobbies you can join a group for. That will solve your loneliness. It's hard being single for the first time in so long. I'm in the same boat but you deserve to be treated so much better than he has treated you.

christmaspavlova · 08/12/2021 09:52

It's just one of those life lessons op. Throw it up to life's experiences and move on . Have a therapy session with a councillor if necessary. Also only contact him in a professional capacity.
Keep your head high and maintain your dignity.

christmaspavlova · 08/12/2021 09:57

@whatdoidonow11

I'm not tolerating this shit. I know where I stand, I'm not stupid, but he needs to step up and at least be polite. So I'm going to message, not now but probably later. I'm going to explain that it was all my fault but I feel disappointed to have been left hanging. I'll say that it has to be work related from now on, which should clear the air (not that it's needed). It might be the wrong thing to do, but oh well!
Please don't contact him unless it's in a professional capacity.
beastlyslumber · 08/12/2021 10:02

It might be the wrong thing to do, but oh well!

You know it's the wrong thing to do. "Oh well!" is not a sane and reasoned approach to something that could end up with you being reported to HR or losing your job.

Let it go. Just let it go and move on. The whole thing was a mistake and you are not being rational about it. Take a day off sick this week if you need to, so you don't have to see him. Call a friend or a counsellor so you can talk through how you're feeling. Resolve to let this go and focus on improving your self-esteem, making new friends, and getting on with your job.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 10:03

I also think stop focusing on him. If you’re lonely focus on how to fix this, groups to join, things to do, organise stuff. You had a fun time with him, maybe got a little overexcited and clingy as you are lonely, no one gets it right all the time. He’s certainly not handling it well either, too scared to tell you he isn’t feeling it, likely as you need to work together.

Focus on how to solve the lonely issue, get busy, and just hold your head up at work and smile like you don’t give a shit

JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 10:03

[quote Glassofshloer]@JinglingHellsBells you need to take your own advice and step away from this thread now 😂[/quote]
@Glassofshloer Please don't start telling other posters to stop contributing to a thread. It's not your place, is it?

Public forum and all that. We all have the right to add comments.

Thank you :)

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 08/12/2021 10:05

@Bluntness100

I also think stop focusing on him. If you’re lonely focus on how to fix this, groups to join, things to do, organise stuff. You had a fun time with him, maybe got a little overexcited and clingy as you are lonely, no one gets it right all the time. He’s certainly not handling it well either, too scared to tell you he isn’t feeling it, likely as you need to work together.

Focus on how to solve the lonely issue, get busy, and just hold your head up at work and smile like you don’t give a shit

This honestly is the best advice.
Sleephappy · 08/12/2021 10:06

He doesn’t need to do anything I’m afraid. He doesn’t owe you anything at all outside of work.
As your team manager, he owes you professionalism if you need work support.
That’s it now.
He’s stressed this week and if you start shooting over those kind of texts you’ll do yourself no favours and he might actually get quite arsey with you and it could get 10x worse for you.
When you want to text him, write on here instead

JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 10:11

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

So the OP wants to pull 'the manager' card yet she was the one who asked HIM out?

[Having already decided a few months earlier it wasn't a good thing to mix work and romantic encounters.]

Wow.

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 10:12

I was scheduled to complete some training tomorrow but have now been removed from it. I overheard another colleague in my team has been invited (same level as me).

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 10:13

@whatdoidonow11

I was scheduled to complete some training tomorrow but have now been removed from it. I overheard another colleague in my team has been invited (same level as me).
Would he have removed you? Who communicated this to you? Would they benefit more from the training?
WhenSepEnds · 08/12/2021 10:13

I think if you keep messaging him it's going to end up with HIM going to HR..... imagine if this was a man texting a woman so many times when it was clear they did want any more contact....

I appreciate you're embarrassed and your feelings have been hurt but honestly you need to let this go.

Just hold your head up and pretend you don't care- fake it til you make it! Keep yourself busy and don't give him so much of your time

Calamitydrayne · 08/12/2021 10:13

@whatdoidonow11

I was scheduled to complete some training tomorrow but have now been removed from it. I overheard another colleague in my team has been invited (same level as me).
Quelle surprise..
Glassofshloer · 08/12/2021 10:15

@JinglingHellsBells well no but for someone who keeps banging on about ‘knowing when to let go’, you’re posting the same thing over and over every 5 minutes 🤷🏼‍♀️

Fatherliamdeliverance · 08/12/2021 10:16

Would this have been his decision?

Original poster
whatdoidonow11 · 08/12/2021 10:17

The extra training is part of my job - it's required

OP posts:
HelloNope · 08/12/2021 10:18

OP - another vote for you to let this go.
He could be ghosting or he could really be stressed.
Just talk to him about work only, you don't need to text him about what happened at all- please don't!

Be wrong!

HelloNope · 08/12/2021 10:18

What a typo! *strong

Calamitydrayne · 08/12/2021 10:18

@whatdoidonow11

The extra training is part of my job - it's required
Well then it's a bit of a coincidence you suddenly get removed. Someone is clearly trying to avoid you, aren't they?