Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 08/12/2021 09:11

Please don't.

Please just act professionally at work and stop the emotionally laden messages to him.

hivemindneeded · 08/12/2021 09:12

OP, I think the issue is probably that he loved you being around but then panicked once you were gone that what had been a coffee between colleagues basically turned into living together with no buffer zone. He might have just panicked. I think I would. Too much too soon.

From your posts, the one that leaps out to me is where you say you are so lonely and have few friends and family around. You need to sort that out. He can't fill that gap in your life. And maybe he sensed your need for someone to, which would be quite off putting early on in a relationship.

In your position, I'd focus hard on taking care of yourself. Building new, strong friendships, maybe having some therapy to look at how to overcome the loneliness. That's the key problem and he isn't the solution.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 09:13

@whatdoidonow11

I'm not tolerating this shit. I know where I stand, I'm not stupid, but he needs to step up and at least be polite. So I'm going to message, not now but probably later. I'm going to explain that it was all my fault but I feel disappointed to have been left hanging. I'll say that it has to be work related from now on, which should clear the air (not that it's needed). It might be the wrong thing to do, but oh well!
Look, in the kindest way, you are coming over as very intense , to put it mildly.

The 'shit' you speak of is what? Not replying to your texts as and when you expect? Not telling you how lovely the weekend was? Brushing you off with 'the interview' as the reason?

You come over as being very inexperienced with dating and relationships.

This man owes you nothing.

You went into this with your eyes open. In fact you offered yourself on a plate and he dived in.

That didn't mean it was the start of some romance.

It meant he wanted sex as did you.

You will make an utter fool of yourself if you message him.

Let it go, brush yourself down, and stop expecting some kind of apology from him which fits your own expectations.

If you send the message, bear in mind what may happen.
Probably nothing. He may not reply. Or he may tell you to bugger off.
You feel the need to get it off your chest, but take it form me, you might end up feeling a whole lot worse.

Least said , soonest mended.

TheRigatonini · 08/12/2021 09:13

@whatdoidonow11

I didn't outstay my welcome. I got up early on the Saturday and got my stuff together, said I was going. He was pottering around doing something. He said you don't have to be anywhere until Tuesday, don't rush back. Then he insisted, so I stayed. I planned on staying until the next day but we ended up planning a walk and food, I didn't outstay my welcome. But i am worried now that I did
Honestly, I’m sure if he wanted you to leave he would have told you he had plans or whatever, and would not have suggested you stay longer.
TheRigatonini · 08/12/2021 09:15

Least said , soonest mended.

Good saying - I’d forgotten this one!

JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 09:17

I think too that calling him your 'manager' might be a slight exaggeration. You said he was your team leader. Ok, he may lead the team, but is he really your 'manager'? How much more senior is he than you? Some team leaders are very little more than someone on a team who's been there a bit longer than the others.

Bluntness100 · 08/12/2021 09:18

Honestly, I’m sure if he wanted you to leave he would have told you he had plans or whatever, and would not have suggested you stay longer.

Many people find it awkward and find themselves saying no stay of course. Likely he didn’t plan her staying for three full days. The abrupt text saying he was busy after she left tells her there was an issue she stayed so long.

Maybe stay one extra day, but staying three full days likely felt she was moving in.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 09:18

. Then he insisted, so I stayed. I planned on staying until the next day but we ended up planning a walk and food, I didn't outstay my welcome. But i am worried now that I did

Men will do all sorts to get a bit more sex.

TheRigatonini · 08/12/2021 09:21

Agree with other posters by the way OP - I would sit on this rather than texting demanding an explanation.

People tend to have a cognitive bias towards action - it can feel uncomfortable to just do nothing and takes restraint.

But I would tread carefully here - he is still your manager and in a position to make life difficult if he senses you might be at risk of damaging his reputation.

Glassofshloer · 08/12/2021 09:22

You’ve made your point, @JinglingHellsBells .

Several times.

user38764345 · 08/12/2021 09:22

@whatdoidonow11

I'm not tolerating this shit. I know where I stand, I'm not stupid, but he needs to step up and at least be polite. So I'm going to message, not now but probably later. I'm going to explain that it was all my fault but I feel disappointed to have been left hanging. I'll say that it has to be work related from now on, which should clear the air (not that it's needed). It might be the wrong thing to do, but oh well!
Don't message at all. Play hard to get, like you aren't bothered and aren't interested.

You used HIM for all he knows.

Completely back off and then he will come running. If he doesn't, he really wasn't that interested.

Don't be needy or desperate as this pushes people away!

dollbaby868 · 08/12/2021 09:23

@whatdoidonow11

I'm not tolerating this shit. I know where I stand, I'm not stupid, but he needs to step up and at least be polite. So I'm going to message, not now but probably later. I'm going to explain that it was all my fault but I feel disappointed to have been left hanging. I'll say that it has to be work related from now on, which should clear the air (not that it's needed). It might be the wrong thing to do, but oh well!
I personally think you're doing WAY too much. You don't need to keep having deep conversations about 'wanting it to go somewhere' then backtracking to say it's your fault you feel disappointed. It's all a bit too much and it's something I probably would have done a few years ago when I was in my teens/early 20s! Can't you just leave him be until he messages first or until you next see him? You just seem a bit full on
WoodburnersRUs · 08/12/2021 09:24

Please don’t message him again. You already felt wretched after simply wishing him luck for his interview. You’ll feel even worse after sending him another. Distract yourself somehow.

JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 09:26

So I'm going to message, not now but probably later. I'm going to explain that it was all my fault but I feel disappointed to have been left hanging.

Left hanging?

What do you mean by that?

Look, he's made it 100% clear that he doesn't want to see you again in a romantic sense.

You KNOW that. You say you aren't stupid.

Are you really going to message him and hope he replies

'Sorry, I had great sex BUT I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.'

is that going to make you feel better?

He has not left you hanging on. It's clear.

You just don't want to accept that and expect him to grovel and apologise. For what? He never promised you anything.

Seriously, shades of bunny boiler.

girlmom21 · 08/12/2021 09:28

@whatdoidonow11

I'm not tolerating this shit. I know where I stand, I'm not stupid, but he needs to step up and at least be polite. So I'm going to message, not now but probably later. I'm going to explain that it was all my fault but I feel disappointed to have been left hanging. I'll say that it has to be work related from now on, which should clear the air (not that it's needed). It might be the wrong thing to do, but oh well!
You don't need to tell it needs to be work related when he's already made that very clear.

You're only embarrassing yourself by continuing to message him.

Let it go.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/12/2021 09:28

Are you still married and living with your husband op?

OP said in her first post that her marriage had broken down, suggesting she's single ... ?

And it was always obvious that you were going to start messaging him again, OP, but on the "(It) might be the wrong thing to do, but oh well!" thing, I hope you can hang on to that flippant attitude if this turns round and bites you on the backside

Calamitydrayne · 08/12/2021 09:29

@whatdoidonow11

I'm not tolerating this shit. I know where I stand, I'm not stupid, but he needs to step up and at least be polite. So I'm going to message, not now but probably later. I'm going to explain that it was all my fault but I feel disappointed to have been left hanging. I'll say that it has to be work related from now on, which should clear the air (not that it's needed). It might be the wrong thing to do, but oh well!
It will be the wrong thing to do. You won't get the response you want. Then what, another text? Just one more email? Don't go down the woman scorned route with this. You've been used. It's not nice. Let it go and move on.
JinglingHellsBells · 08/12/2021 09:31

Do you have issues OP with reading between the lines when it comes to people's behaviour? Do you miss what they mean even if it's not spelled out in words of 1 syllable?

Because that's how it looks here.

If a man wants to see a woman they will walk over broken glass if they are interested.

He's not interested. He has been polite, and he has replied to your texts. But he's not done it saying what you want to hear. That's not 'shit' as you call it. It's being let down gently but you can't accept that.

You cannot hope to drag some apology out of him which you think is going to make you feel better.

Go and cry, throw stuff across your bedroom, go for a long walk, do something but get it out of your system and let it go. For your own sake.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 08/12/2021 09:33

OP please do not message him. I am one of the ones saying I think he should have left you alone (not that you're a victim, he just should've read the room better re your previous conversations and working relationship).

However, with your updates, he has been in touch but has said he will be less communicative until friday either way. So if anything he will just say 'I told you I'd be off the radar, why are you bugging me 2 days before this big interview?'. Please just leave it. You need to read the room now too.

It's a bit shitty he's got your Hopes up and backed off knowing the year you've had and the rapport you'd formed, but what do you hope to gain from texting? Again, I don't think he should have slept with you but I also don't think he promised you anything and you really don't want this left more messily. I am fairly sure you will regret texting in anger/upset.

I use MN for advice as it generally tends to be a mature ,level headed forum. No disrespect to the one or two posters who are urging you to text him/ speak to HR/ take some sort of action but why do you think they're drowned out by voices saying 'don't'?

Legoninjago1 · 08/12/2021 09:36

@whatdoidonow11

I'm not tolerating this shit. I know where I stand, I'm not stupid, but he needs to step up and at least be polite. So I'm going to message, not now but probably later. I'm going to explain that it was all my fault but I feel disappointed to have been left hanging. I'll say that it has to be work related from now on, which should clear the air (not that it's needed). It might be the wrong thing to do, but oh well!
Oh God. No no no. Step away from the phone. This will end up with you feeling 100x worse. It's not too late to reclaim your dignity and the higher ground. Wait til you see him. Look him in the eye and coolly tell him you expect to be treated politely and professionally regardless of any history between you. Walk away. From then on be cool and aloof with him and always professional. Never mention it again. Chances are he'll want what he can't have and come sniffing around you again - but I wouldn't go back there if I were you.
Hont1986 · 08/12/2021 09:37

@whatdoidonow11

I'm not tolerating this shit. I know where I stand, I'm not stupid, but he needs to step up and at least be polite. So I'm going to message, not now but probably later. I'm going to explain that it was all my fault but I feel disappointed to have been left hanging. I'll say that it has to be work related from now on, which should clear the air (not that it's needed). It might be the wrong thing to do, but oh well!
Oh god, stop sending him bloody messages! You're acting like this is a breakup. You were never going out!

You had a dirty weekend and you're clearly hurt that he doesn't want to turn that into a relationship. Staying three days and immediately texting him about going away somewhere probably scared him off, if he had any intention of continuing it in the first place.

"I'll say that it has to be work related from now on" - it already is! It's like saying you're resigning after you've already been fired.

Do you want to know how to salvage this? Meet him in a private place at work. Tell him that you enjoyed the weekend but don't think it's wise to continue it in case it affects work. Tell him you've deleted all your private messages and won't be texting him again except about risk. Then proceed to have an solely professional relationship for the rest of your lives.

Hont1986 · 08/12/2021 09:38

except about work

saraclara · 08/12/2021 09:39

You will make an utter fool of yourself if you message him

That. Virtually everyone has told you not to do this. There's not a cat in hells chance that this will go well. You're going to feel even more wretched, and it's going to make your workplace intolerable for you.

Please, please listen. Dust yourself down and give yourself a shake. Pretend this didn't happen and get on with your job.

Pipsquiggle · 08/12/2021 09:40

Please do NOT text him. This is the wrong course of action. You are coming across as desperate and needy to us so God knows what your manager will think.

The best thing to is to act professionally at work

grapewine · 08/12/2021 09:41

@JinglingHellsBells

So I'm going to message, not now but probably later. I'm going to explain that it was all my fault but I feel disappointed to have been left hanging.

Left hanging?

What do you mean by that?

Look, he's made it 100% clear that he doesn't want to see you again in a romantic sense.

You KNOW that. You say you aren't stupid.

Are you really going to message him and hope he replies

'Sorry, I had great sex BUT I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.'

is that going to make you feel better?

He has not left you hanging on. It's clear.

You just don't want to accept that and expect him to grovel and apologise. For what? He never promised you anything.

Seriously, shades of bunny boiler.

All of this. You have not been left hanging. You just haven't had the response you wanted.