Slept with manager. What happens now?

[whatdoidonow11]

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

@Glassofshloer

"I don’t think anyone is making out it’s normal or decent behaviour just that there isn’t anything she can do about it - she can’t force the ‘right’ response from him and HR probably can’t do much (and is a bad idea anyway)."

They are. That's why I said it. Nobody said it's decent but most of the posts are saying to get over it and he is just a normal guy. Ghosting people isn't normal. And neither is it okay when you're the boss. The problem isn't the relationship or that it ended, it was when and how. The ghosting. (Or the supposed ghosting since there's confusion now about whether he actually did or not lol)

What is the "right" answer or what do people expect to happen? A manager refusing to speak to someone after having sex with them and leading them on is extremely abnormal and inappropriate. Especially re-considering the mental health history mentioned. I think my advice to threaten to report him first will get him to communicate properly and hopefully learn a lesson. Then she doesn't even need to report him in the end. I am firmly of the view that if he did use her for sex then try to cut her off then he is a sociopath and needs reported. Not for any other reason except extreme behaviour. I don't care if it's now common to do. I would just tell them simply so that they know (his extreme and harmful behaviour) and it humiliates him and I am pretty sure he would get into trouble for it. It does depend if she thinks she will get into trouble too but it seems quite unlikely given all the point of this particular case. Frankly anyone ghosting anyone deserves all they get. Maybe then they will learn to give out information willingly and end things respectfully

If you have the extra responsibility and the power dynamics of being a boss, you don't get to act like everyone else and just walk away like anyone else without consequences.

It's interesting that so many people are just glossing over the fact he has dumped her after a weekend of sex...

He didn't dump her. They were never going out.

"Also ghosting is never replying back - it isn't taking a bit longer to reply or not being as chatty. This behaviour may not be to OP's liking, but it is definitely not ghosting."
Apparently it's called "caspering" lol.. It's definitely not the same thing but it's the same idea and everyone should be familiar with what it is or the concept. It's rejecting someone without giving them a reason and continually fobbing them off. I suppose it depends on the individual what you find worse. Usually with this form of ghosting they are literally ignoring you. Like pretending to be busy but posting on social media all day and not replying to you. You can see them living their normal lives and you haven't actually been cut off so it's quite humiliating. I think "caspering" is only okay if there is an obvious reason to be rude to them or they should understand why you don't want to speak to them. It's not okay if you just lost interest or found another person to date etc

"He didn't dump her. They were never going out."

He did dump her. When you go on a date with someone you are in a relationship and you are owed closure even if that is just for them to let you know they considered it a one night stand. She was dating him and stayed at his house multiple days in a row. Please stop. He stopped communicating with her. Friends can dump you too btw. Not sure when you last dated if you don't understand these things. Or maybe you are just obnoxious

Are you still married and living with your husband op?

@westofnormal, I undestand you feel very strongly about being ghosted, but frankly I don't think this would have affected me so strongly.

Do you think op, you were placing too much faith in this friendship hoping he would 'save' you in some way. There seems to be a desperation in your need to rush this relationship forward, it may have scared him off.

Ease off and put it down to experience, some romances just don't work out.

[quote westofnormal]@Glassofshloer

"I don’t think anyone is making out it’s normal or decent behaviour just that there isn’t anything she can do about it - she can’t force the ‘right’ response from him and HR probably can’t do much (and is a bad idea anyway)."

They are. That's why I said it. Nobody said it's decent but most of the posts are saying to get over it and he is just a normal guy. Ghosting people isn't normal. And neither is it okay when you're the boss. The problem isn't the relationship or that it ended, it was when and how. The ghosting. (Or the supposed ghosting since there's confusion now about whether he actually did or not lol)

What is the "right" answer or what do people expect to happen? A manager refusing to speak to someone after having sex with them and leading them on is extremely abnormal and inappropriate. Especially re-considering the mental health history mentioned. I think my advice to threaten to report him first will get him to communicate properly and hopefully learn a lesson. Then she doesn't even need to report him in the end. I am firmly of the view that if he did use her for sex then try to cut her off then he is a sociopath and needs reported. Not for any other reason except extreme behaviour. I don't care if it's now common to do. I would just tell them simply so that they know (his extreme and harmful behaviour) and it humiliates him and I am pretty sure he would get into trouble for it. It does depend if she thinks she will get into trouble too but it seems quite unlikely given all the point of this particular case. Frankly anyone ghosting anyone deserves all they get. Maybe then they will learn to give out information willingly and end things respectfully[/quote]

I completely agree with this. I don't think that it's a normal or acceptable way for a manager to behave at all. I'm actually shocked that so many women seem to accept this as normal behaviour. They are, in effect, teaching men that it's ok to do this.

Saying that it's 'just sex' isn't an excuse to disregard someone's feelings.

@supermoonrising

Report him to HR.He’s in a position of power and influence and he has behaved disgracefully

Pfff, she’s an adult who initiated a fling with a senior colleague she fancied. The ghosting isn’t nice, but adults of both sexes do it all the time.

Plus he hasn't responded to a few of her recent messages so he will say that it's you harassing him and it will be easier to believe given the recent communication

@TheRigatonini

That’s basically been the opener to most of my long (and short) term relationships. I think the staying for the weekend thing sounds totally normal.

Sure it has, for most of them you went back for a one night shag on the first date and stayed for three days,,lol. the difference clearly is you said this was how you personally start relationships. As soon as she left the op got a text saying he was busy and that was it, so clearly he didn’t want her there for three days.

@saraclara

Good grief. OP is 39, not 19. She fancied him, she played an equal part in the out of office hours flirting. They had consensual sex. He's texted her four times over the following week, explaining that he's preoccupied.

Whether or not he wants to see her again, he's not ghosting her. They ARE on speaking terms, and going to HR about him would not only be massively unfair, but also plays into the 'women are helpless and vulnerable' playbook.

OP knew what she was doing. She's now being over dramatic because it's not led to the kind of relationship she hoped for. That's hardly HR's problem.

I agree 100%

@Onthedunes

Are you still married and living with your husband op?

@westofnormal, I undestand you feel very strongly about being ghosted, but frankly I don't think this would have affected me so strongly.

Do you think op, you were placing too much faith in this friendship hoping he would 'save' you in some way. There seems to be a desperation in your need to rush this relationship forward, it may have scared him off.

Ease off and put it down to experience, some romances just don't work out.

I also agree 100% with this especially this bit There seems to be a desperation in your need to rush this relationship forward, it may have scared him off

I think my advice to threaten to report him first will get him to communicate properly and hopefully learn a lesson.

Ok, let’s say he calls her bluff. What then? What would HR do?

Saying that it's 'just sex' isn't an excuse to disregard someone's feelings

Woah! He hasn't disregarded her feelings. He's just not fallen in love with her in the way she hoped.

He has sent 4 or 5 texts.

But they aren't saying what she hoped to hear. And he didn't reply 'fast enough'.

Honestly, some posts here are laughable.

He clearly doesn't want this to 'relationship' to go further and it's his absolute right to feel that way.

@MidnightMeltdown That was for you ^^

I could also argue that it isn't good behaviour for a woman to sleep with her boss. a) because if it goes belly up she might feel 'scorned' and it affect her work and b)office gossip might turn against her if they felt she was sleeping her way to the top

it takes TWO to tango, you know.

He clearly doesn't want this to 'relationship' to go further and it's his absolute right to feel that way.

To be fair he should say that clearly though, as her manager he should be professional enough to assert the boundaries & not leave her with hope. Although I guess he wasn’t professional enough not to sleep with a member of his team so

@Glassofshloer

He clearly doesn't want this to 'relationship' to go further and it's his absolute right to feel that way.

To be fair he should say that clearly though, as her manager he should be professional enough to assert the boundaries & not leave her with hope. Although I guess he wasn’t professional enough not to sleep with a member of his team so

His behaviour has told her what she needs to know @Glassofshloer But she doesn't want to see it. She wants it spelled out to her. If men back off, they don't always do it in ways that we'd like. He hasn't been cruel, he's just not danced to her tune. She as over-invested very early on. A ONS is one thing. Staying over for 3 days because someone paid you compliments is IMO rather silly behaviour.

Also, the fact he is her manager is not really relevant. This is not a work-based issue. It's moved on from 'colleagues' to lovers. Albeit for a couple of nights.

Saying he ought to behave in work-mode as her manager (and find some 'better way' ) to tell her he doesn't want to pursue anything further doesn't apply.

They stopped being the 'manager and underling' the moment they hit the sack.

What they did is outside of the behaviour expected in the workplace.

@westofnormal

"He didn't dump her. They were never going out."

He did dump her. When you go on a date with someone you are in a relationship and you are owed closure even if that is just for them to let you know they considered it a one night stand. She was dating him and stayed at his house multiple days in a row. Please stop. He stopped communicating with her. Friends can dump you too btw. Not sure when you last dated if you don't understand these things. Or maybe you are just obnoxious

Were they on a date? Maybe that's not how he read it. It seems he was casual.

. Although I guess he wasn’t professional enough not to sleep with a member of his team

And don't you also think @Glassofshloer that a 39 year old woman should have the sense and professionalism not to sleep with her boss?

Or are you sexist in your morality? Or regard her as victim, unable to resist the charm of a man? Double standards.

I think it’s absolutely appalling that some posters are saying threaten him. I hope they aren’t female because that shit gives women a bad name. This was consensual sex, in fact the first move was made by the op. He has clearly decided not to pursue it further, yes his communication skills leave something to be desired but he could be shit at it and feel uncomfortable or he could be worried about the ops reaction and trying to just let this slowly die.

Either way you don’t threaten men because they don’t want to see you again. What is wrong with sone people that they’d even consider that.

Gosh harsh responses to my post. I think it’s 6 of 1 and half a dozen of the other. I think he should’ve had the guts to send a polite but firm text stating he didn’t want to take things further, however he didn’t and I think OP needs to take the hint & move on.

I don’t have hugely strong feelings on it, just commenting on what I think optimal behaviour from both sides after the ONS should have been.

@JinglingHellsBells I don’t see her as a victim, just a person with emotions who spent a few days with somebody she really liked and was given the wrong impression. If he had kicked her out the next morning it would’ve been a bit different, but asking someone to stay for a few days, cooking for them etc indicates he enjoyed her company & wanted to spend more time together afterwards.

But, he doesn’t, and OP needs to accept it & move on.

@westofnormal

It's interesting that so many people are just glossing over the fact he has dumped her after a weekend of sex and not just randomly. Also, that you all think a man is incapable of texting because he has something else to do (the interview) later that week. Very interesting replies. Also yeah, that isn't ghosting. Think he is trying to give you the hint. Ghosting is very traumatic.

And yet the mantra of MN is that you can end a relationship for any reason.

Yeah you can imagine the conversation going like this

Her, oh I should go
Him, you don’t have to, you’re welcome to stay,
Her are you sure, brilliant!
Him, great,
And so on for three days.

Dunno, this is hard to imagine. People just don’t really do this - you want someone to leave you just say ‘I have to go out in a bit / I have some stuff to do just now / I’m meeting friends / whatever, will you be alright getting home, do you want me to sort you a taxi?’

It seems implausible that this 50 year old man in a position of leadership at work is so passive and unable to assert himself that he allowed someone he slept with on the Friday to stay 3 days at his home when he didn’t want her to, just silently hoping that she would leave but feeling powerless to make that happen.

I didn't outstay my welcome. I got up early on the Saturday and got my stuff together, said I was going. He was pottering around doing something. He said you don't have to be anywhere until Tuesday, don't rush back. Then he insisted, so I stayed. I planned on staying until the next day but we ended up planning a walk and food, I didn't outstay my welcome. But i am worried now that I did

I'm not tolerating this shit. I know where I stand, I'm not stupid, but he needs to step up and at least be polite. So I'm going to message, not now but probably later. I'm going to explain that it was all my fault but I feel disappointed to have been left hanging. I'll say that it has to be work related from now on, which should clear the air (not that it's needed). It might be the wrong thing to do, but oh well!

I would think carefully about messaging him again, you don't want him reporting you to HR