Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Slept with manager. What happens now?

712 replies

whatdoidonow11 · 07/12/2021 09:20

Please be gentle. I am not in a good place.

I need some advice, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.

I started a new job early this year. Had to take some sick time due to my mental health in the spring - this was due to struggles with my marriage breakdown. My team leader kept in touch while I was off and I ended up confiding in him, as he is also recently divorced. When we first met, I admit I was drawn to him. I fancied him but decided not to do anything about it. One because he's my manager, and two because I just didn't feel like I needed the stress.

After I went back to work we carried on chatting, in work as well as outside. I was aware we were crossing a boundary.

I've been feeling very low and one evening I asked him if he wanted to go for a drink sometime in the run up to Christmas. He replied and said we could, but in a professional sense only.

I'm really not sure what happened from there, but he basically teased out what I meant by going for a drink. I genuinely meant going for a drink, but I obviously do fancy him as well. It turned flirty. The chat was flirty since then, we kept in touch during the day, he'd ask me how my day was/about my life. Tell me I was beautiful, I enjoyed the attention

A couple of weeks later we ended up in bed. I stayed for a few days at his house, he invited me to. To be honest it was lovely and I wanted to do it again. I wasn't really thinking about the consequences.. on the way home I text him something a bit cringe about having a nice time and wanting it to 'go somewhere' I might have been caught up in the moment. I do like him. I don't sleep with people I don't like and I'd like something to develop.

However he's now ghosted me. I can contact him on text about work but he doesn't respond on what's app. He told me he had a big interview coming up and he was feeling stressed. I understand this and have left him to it, bar a few messages which he's not responded to. He didn't reply to my good morning text the day after we slept together

I get that I've been used but what happens now? He is in the office two days a week and the rest from home so I don't see him every day. But I'm dreading seeing him.

I feel like there's something wrong with me .. with my body, my personality? I wish he could've just told me he does not wish to see me again. Why couldn't he do that? He's my manager....

Now I feel like I've lost the support of my manager and feel a bit alone at work. I'm also wondering whether he does this with other colleagues. He's been in his role 20 years...

I feel really down and alone. Please be gentle, I know how stupid I've been.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 07/12/2021 19:34

Well, no, because he's made it clear to her he has an important interview to prepare for that he only found out about recently!

Oh cmon. He was ignoring her before he knew bout the interview and no one is so stressed about an interview that they can’t even send some polite texts.

Dudes ghosting her without making it clear he’s ghosting her so she doesn’t kick off,

JinglingHellsBells · 07/12/2021 19:37

@Bluntness100

Well, no, because he's made it clear to her he has an important interview to prepare for that he only found out about recently!

Oh cmon. He was ignoring her before he knew bout the interview and no one is so stressed about an interview that they can’t even send some polite texts.

Dudes ghosting her without making it clear he’s ghosting her so she doesn’t kick off,

Ghosting means not hearing from someone AT ALL.

He's not done that.

He's let her down gently, using is interview as an excuse.

He hopes she will pick up the signals without him having to spell it out.

It's very clear where his head is on this.

todaysdilemma · 07/12/2021 19:38

@Bluntness100

Well, no, because he's made it clear to her he has an important interview to prepare for that he only found out about recently!

Oh cmon. He was ignoring her before he knew bout the interview and no one is so stressed about an interview that they can’t even send some polite texts.

Dudes ghosting her without making it clear he’s ghosting her so she doesn’t kick off,

He DID send her polite texts....

Ghosting is completely different, not a hard concept to grasp. A change in communication style does not automatically mean it's a 'ghosting'. There are plenty of other terms in the dictionary to describe this.

SheikYourGrooveThang · 07/12/2021 19:46

you had consensual sex with manager you fancy. It’s a bit of a cliché but hey ho
No it’s not a HR matter and it risks taking the situation from a cringey but manageable event that’s private between you two, to a situation that’s examined,scrutinised and involves others.
He’s not compelled no keep in touch
After a ONS either of the participants can go no contact and chose not discuss. There’s a high ouch and embarrassment associated with sleeping with your boss (as your experiencing)
Dont pursue him for answers or explanation he’s not compelled to give any and it’s a bit needy & excessive to want explanations and debrief
Going forward be professional. Cordial and put it aside
You had enjoyable sex, that in itself is a wahey

MidnightMeltdown · 07/12/2021 19:46

@Pipsquiggle

Yes you're right, I was young, inexperienced, and very naive.

I was working at a university at the time and he was a professor. I wasn't a student, but he did have a mentorship role over me, and so I guess that I looked up to him and trusted him.

He didn't use authority to get me to go out, he just used to ask me to go out for a drink with him after work, or to go back to his house for another drink after we'd been out with a group. If I said no then he'd offer to take me home.

He didn't force me into anything, so I didn't feel that I could complain. However, I never would have looked twice at him if he hadn't pursued me that way. At that age, I thought that men in their 30s were old!!

SheikYourGrooveThang · 07/12/2021 19:49

Op hasn’t been ghosted at all. He’s just not into her, and that’s permissible
Adults have ONS, it happens. Doesn’t require a debrief or explanation from either party

Whatwouldnanado · 07/12/2021 19:54

He sounds like a complete pig. You deserve better. Do not let this affect your confidence. Hopefully he gets the job and moves on. Don't go to HR, don't go back to your previous job, chin up and stick it out and look for internal promotion or something better elsewhere.

ChristmasPlanning · 07/12/2021 20:22

@ElectraBlue

The guy took advantage of you when he knew you were vulnerable (since he knew you were struggling with you mental health) which is pretty shitty.

It is bizarre though that as a manager he did not think about the consequences of ghosting someone he is working with...It is not like you are a one night stand that he will never have to see again.

Frankly this man is behaving like a complete idiot and I really feel for you.

You did not do anything wrong, you simply trusted the wrong person.

This
saraclara · 07/12/2021 21:04

Good grief. OP is 39, not 19. She fancied him, she played an equal part in the out of office hours flirting. They had consensual sex. He's texted her four times over the following week, explaining that he's preoccupied.

Whether or not he wants to see her again, he's not ghosting her. They ARE on speaking terms, and going to HR about him would not only be massively unfair, but also plays into the 'women are helpless and vulnerable' playbook.

OP knew what she was doing. She's now being over dramatic because it's not led to the kind of relationship she hoped for. That's hardly HR's problem.

Gonnagetgoing · 07/12/2021 21:08

@saraclara

Good grief. OP is 39, not 19. She fancied him, she played an equal part in the out of office hours flirting. They had consensual sex. He's texted her four times over the following week, explaining that he's preoccupied.

Whether or not he wants to see her again, he's not ghosting her. They ARE on speaking terms, and going to HR about him would not only be massively unfair, but also plays into the 'women are helpless and vulnerable' playbook.

OP knew what she was doing. She's now being over dramatic because it's not led to the kind of relationship she hoped for. That's hardly HR's problem.

100% agreed with this. If OP tries to lie and get him in trouble then he may be sacked.

If she was with him she wouldn’t be upset.

Norwolf · 07/12/2021 21:21

You are 39 ffs, grow up!!!! what do you mean what happens now 😒? You’re being ghosted, it’s not the end of the world. Jesus wept smh

Norwolf · 07/12/2021 21:25

And stop the bs about changing work, he owes you nothing, your career should come first, unless you came this far for nothing feel free to throw it away…

Nedclarity · 07/12/2021 21:25

Try to put it behind you and be super professional at work. If he tries it on again I would run a mile because this is not how a decent guy behaves. Don’t leave or go to HR, you would regret doing either of those things. After Christmas it will feel much easier, you just have to grin and bear it for now.

HollyandIvyandAllThingsYule · 07/12/2021 22:05

@saraclara

Good grief. OP is 39, not 19. She fancied him, she played an equal part in the out of office hours flirting. They had consensual sex. He's texted her four times over the following week, explaining that he's preoccupied.

Whether or not he wants to see her again, he's not ghosting her. They ARE on speaking terms, and going to HR about him would not only be massively unfair, but also plays into the 'women are helpless and vulnerable' playbook.

OP knew what she was doing. She's now being over dramatic because it's not led to the kind of relationship she hoped for. That's hardly HR's problem.

There is a lot of truth in this.

OP you need to let it go now and start looking after yourself a bit better.

You thought it might go somewhere. It isn’t going to. That’s really all there is to it. It doesn’t have to become bigger than that.

Onthedunes · 07/12/2021 22:06

Even if he is ghosting her, she should not be encouraged to go to HR about him.

Just because someone does not wish to be in a relationship with you does not mean you can ruin their career.

She instigated this involvement.

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2021 22:21

This is all semantics, technically no he’s not ghosted her, but to all intents and purposes he has, he basically ignored her as soon as she left.

She left, texted saying she had a lovely time and he curtly responded with he was busy, no so did I etc, and she texted the next morning snd he ignored it totally. He’s given her a few cursory texts saying he’s busy and stressed but really just letting it die.

For me, I suspect, and I’m sorrry op, that you seriously over stayed your welcome, staying for three days is beyond excessive for a first date,, I wonder if he was just being polite, and was secretly thinking god is she ever leaving, the fact he brushed you off as soon as you left would indicate the issue here is you stayed for three full days and it was too much too soon, then texting him about hoping you’d have a future.

He should have had the balls to tell you to go but lots of people find it difficult. I think it was just all too much too soon and made him not wish to pursue further,

youvegottenminuteslynn · 07/12/2021 22:31

@Bluntness100

This is all semantics, technically no he’s not ghosted her, but to all intents and purposes he has, he basically ignored her as soon as she left.

She left, texted saying she had a lovely time and he curtly responded with he was busy, no so did I etc, and she texted the next morning snd he ignored it totally. He’s given her a few cursory texts saying he’s busy and stressed but really just letting it die.

For me, I suspect, and I’m sorrry op, that you seriously over stayed your welcome, staying for three days is beyond excessive for a first date,, I wonder if he was just being polite, and was secretly thinking god is she ever leaving, the fact he brushed you off as soon as you left would indicate the issue here is you stayed for three full days and it was too much too soon, then texting him about hoping you’d have a future.

He should have had the balls to tell you to go but lots of people find it difficult. I think it was just all too much too soon and made him not wish to pursue further,

I agree with this. Not ideal but non abusive behaviour designed to make you back off because he's too chicken to address the situation.

Someone staying that long that early would make me go off them. But we don't know how actively he genuinely encouraged it obviously.

Bluntness100 · 07/12/2021 22:42

Someone staying that long that early would make me go off them. But we don't know how actively he genuinely encouraged it obviously

Yeah you can imagine the conversation going like this

Her, oh I should go
Him, you don’t have to, you’re welcome to stay,
Her are you sure, brilliant!
Him, great,
And so on for three days.

He should have said yes, please just go.

The immediate brush off when she left saying he was busy, indicates he had stuff to do, and he was pissed off she stayed so long.

Onthedunes · 07/12/2021 23:03

@Bluntness100

This is all semantics, technically no he’s not ghosted her, but to all intents and purposes he has, he basically ignored her as soon as she left.

She left, texted saying she had a lovely time and he curtly responded with he was busy, no so did I etc, and she texted the next morning snd he ignored it totally. He’s given her a few cursory texts saying he’s busy and stressed but really just letting it die.

For me, I suspect, and I’m sorrry op, that you seriously over stayed your welcome, staying for three days is beyond excessive for a first date,, I wonder if he was just being polite, and was secretly thinking god is she ever leaving, the fact he brushed you off as soon as you left would indicate the issue here is you stayed for three full days and it was too much too soon, then texting him about hoping you’d have a future.

He should have had the balls to tell you to go but lots of people find it difficult. I think it was just all too much too soon and made him not wish to pursue further,

Totally agree Bluntness, nail on the head.
TheRigatonini · 07/12/2021 23:11

Oh come on, has no one ever had a one night stand that turned into a lost weekend of shagging and debauchery hanging out?!

TheRigatonini · 07/12/2021 23:14

That’s basically been the opener to most of my long (and short) term relationships. I think the staying for the weekend thing sounds totally normal.

Onthedunes · 07/12/2021 23:21

She was the one who initially asked him for a drink, he said only in a professional capacity, there were some clues there that he was not chasing her.

At some point you need to let them reciprocate their mutual keeness, it seems it's all been coming from op's side.

Udouhun · 07/12/2021 23:22

Not the end of the world. Neither of you have done anything wrong. Maybe just not panning out the way you'd hoped. I don't think you should look for an explanation because he doesn't owe you one. Just be more cautious next time.

westofnormal · 08/12/2021 01:10

It's interesting that so many people are just glossing over the fact he has dumped her after a weekend of sex and not just randomly. Also, that you all think a man is incapable of texting because he has something else to do (the interview) later that week. Very interesting replies. Also yeah, that isn't ghosting. Think he is trying to give you the hint. Ghosting is very traumatic.

Glassofshloer · 08/12/2021 01:25

I don’t think anyone is making out it’s normal or decent behaviour @westofnormal just that there isn’t anything she can do about it - she can’t force the ‘right’ response from him and HR probably can’t do much (and is a bad idea anyway).

To be honest I think it’s very shitty of him to take the coward’s way out rather than just sending a decent ‘dear John’ type text, explaining he doesn’t want to take things further but will be happy to see her at work etc. But that’s where OP is and encouraging her to get hung up on it or pursue some kind of recourse will only result in drama and more unanswered questions.

Op I hope you’re okay Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread