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Original poster

Cruel words from usually lovely husband of over 20 years. How to move on?

122 replies

userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 19:39

For context we’d had a few to drink . My DH has a stressful job and yesterday evening he was very emotional which is not usual. We spent a lot of time chatting about it and why his emotional outpouring was long overdue. Went to bed. He initiated sex that didn’t really go anywhere because we were both quite tipsy. After being asleep for a while I had a horrific nightmare. I used to have them and had counselling as a teen. I was raped as a teenager. I haven’t had bad nightmares for ages. According to DH I lept out of bed and cowered in the corner. A vase dropped off a cabinet and hit me on the head . I woke up confused. I’d been asleep and woke up scared and apparently snapped at him but he can’t recall what I said but he shouted to get to bed and stop acting like some silly rape victim. So having had a nightmare I’ve had a bash on the head and some what I consider venomous words that couldn’t have been crueller from the one person who I thought was my world. It’s like I’m looking at someone else. I feel sick. This man is / was my safe space. We’ve kids and grandkids. Maybe it’s raw but at the moment I feel sick to my stomach that I can’t get passed this but the thought of not being together is torture. I’m so conflicted.

OP posts:
Valaris · 05/12/2021 19:45

His words and actions after what he said to you will determine how you move on.

What did he say after he said that to you? What was he like the following day?

Also, I'm sorry he said that. That's really awful and I can imagine you'd feel very hurt and betrayed by such an awful comment.

Electricbug321 · 05/12/2021 19:45

You don’t have to make any decisions about anything now.

If your relationship is otherwise good I’d guess he just has no idea the impact those words have had. Is he otherwise supportive of you around your history of rape and nightmares? Does he have a bad attitude to women in general?

KatyAnna · 05/12/2021 19:45

Flowers that sounds very distressing and disorienting. What has your DH said since it happened?

Ellen888 · 05/12/2021 19:46

Are you sure that's what he said OP?

You were drunk, having a nightmare, sleepwalking, then got hit on the head with a vase, so I doubt you were cognitive.

I'd drink less in future... Smile

Thefuturestory · 05/12/2021 19:47

I’d find it hard to let that go tbh.

One thing I’ve learnt though is that a safe place can’t be a person. Try and work on another safe space.

PicsInRed · 05/12/2021 19:48

Has he ever said or done things which make you feel small and stupid? Does he make you feel incompetent? Does he take full charge of family finances and major decisions?

What is he like if you just say "no", to anything?

Luredbyapomegranate · 05/12/2021 19:49

It’s raw - and no one wonder, a really terrible experience has been triggered, and it sounds like you’ve had a hyper emotional few days. You’ve said your husband is out of sorts. What he said was dire, but it sounds like he’s going through something and is terrified at the thought of you being vulnerable. I assume a misogynistic expression engrained deep leapt up.

Can you get away for a day or two. You need a bit of space for the planets to settle. When you get back tell him if he says anything like that again you will cut his balls off. And once he has apologised and that is put to bed, ask him to start sorting himself out.

I’m really sorry OP, it’s an awful thing to have experienced, but don’t go letting it break your world.

Original poster
userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 19:50

He apologised afterwards but in a confrontational manner because I didn’t accept it straightaway. This morning he was less confrontational but seemed irked that he’d said sorry last night and that should be that. He’s been quiet but left as he works away. I’m relieved he’s away. I don’t think it will end our marriage but it could. But I’m not sure how I’m supposed to look at him again. How do I be intimate with someone that dismisses that.

OP posts:
KatyAnna · 05/12/2021 19:50

It is a completely bizarre thing for him to have said, knowing your history and given your long marriage. What stands out at me a bit is that you don’t remember what you said and neither can he, you were confused and maybe he was too? It is a completely bizarre thing to say if he is otherwise supportive.

Whatabambam · 05/12/2021 19:50

Oh gosh, this must have been awful for you, I am not sure what I can say that might make this better other than you need to talk this through with your husband. I wonder if there's something going on beneath the every day experiences that needs to be brought out into the open. Sometimes there's a tendency to overlook problems that aren't immediately obvious. I'm sorry that you had to hear these nasty comments, they were pretty vile and calculated to cause you pain. Not easily passed off.

KatyAnna · 05/12/2021 19:51

Cross post, sorry - so he acknowledges he said it. Jeez.

MMmomDD · 05/12/2021 19:51

I am sorry you are living with a long ago emotional trauma. And it seems it popped up again and at very unfortunate time.
Too much alcohol, H being emotional and stressed must have triggered it.
And falling vase must have made it worse.
On his side - I am sure his emotional state, alcohol and sudden waking - also had an effect.
You have known each other for a long time.
If you think that the way he behaved in that moment when so many things collided and went wrong - if you think it’s the real him - then leave.
From the uninvolved observer perspective - I think it was out of character. And, hopefully, he will see the impact it had in you and apologise.

And given that you seem to have been triggered somehow - I’d see if I might need a bit of maintenance check up with a counsellor.

PicsInRed · 05/12/2021 19:51

He apologised afterwards but in a confrontational manner because I didn’t accept it straightaway

Does he often bully you to accept his apologies?

KatyAnna · 05/12/2021 19:54

I think given that he is away, I would allow the dust to settle a bit and then have a talk about it. It would be important to me to know why he said it and whether that really reflects his views. That is presuming there are not other issues in the marriage. But I would want to know where it came from.

Ellen888 · 05/12/2021 19:54

@KatyAnna

Cross post, sorry - so he acknowledges he said it. Jeez.
Where does it say that?
IncompleteSenten · 05/12/2021 19:55

I don't think there is any excuse for saying you are acting like a silly rape victim.

Because it can only mean he thinks rape victims are silly.
Or to behave in a traumatised way is silly. Or to be traumatised by rape is silly.

I would want to really discuss why he chose those words and what it means.

nocnoc · 05/12/2021 19:55

Are you sure there’s not more going on? You said he’d been unusually emotional. He works away? He’s been an utter prick with his nasty unusual words. Is he interested in someone else? Could be way off but my gut says this is all just too weird. There’s more to it right?

nocnoc · 05/12/2021 19:56

My ex started being like this with his words when he wasn’t interested in me but had someone else in mind

Original poster
userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 19:56

No he doesn’t bully me to accept his apologies but he has a history of thinking an apology fixes stuff. He’s not a bully. He’s the most gentle person I know which is why this shook me. It was the contempt and dismissal that hurt so much.

OP posts:
SantasGoodLittleGirl · 05/12/2021 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster
userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 20:06

@SantasGoodLittleGirl that’s disgusting. Absolutely not the case. I’m a very light sleeper and occasionally suffer insomnia. If you have nothing constructive to offer while I’m on obvious pain just go away.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 05/12/2021 20:08

No he doesn’t bully me to accept his apologies but he has a history of thinking an apology fixes stuff

How often does he need to apologise, and how does the stuff he's doing make you feel?

Original poster
userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 20:13

@ PicsInRed. He’s the usual typical man. Thoughtless sometimes lazy. Says you do it (it being housework hosting etc) so well that I don’t think to step up. Sometimes dismissive. When I point it out he says sorry does it again then when I point out his sorry means little because it’s not the first time he gets irked. But this is different. This has rocked me and made me feel vulnerable and questioning my marriage.

OP posts:
user1471453601 · 05/12/2021 20:13

I think I cut him (and yourself) a bit of slack here.

I'm a sleep walker (and have had might terrors) and I know how disconnected one is when woken from a deep sleep.

So you were in a deep sleep, hence the nightmare and so was your partner, I presume. Also, your partner was already in quite a highly emotional state.

He said a horrid thing to you. There is no doubt in my mind about that.

But both of you had been drinking, both of you were (again, I assume) awoken from a deep sleep.

Now, if he'd said what he did in the cold light of day, I most certainly wouldn't be understanding.

But in these circumstances and given you've had a trusting relationship so far, i would forgive.

CovidCorvid · 05/12/2021 20:13

Do you think he said something out of character because he’d also been woken suddenly and was disoriented .¿