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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cruel words from usually lovely husband of over 20 years. How to move on?

122 replies

userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 19:39

For context we’d had a few to drink . My DH has a stressful job and yesterday evening he was very emotional which is not usual. We spent a lot of time chatting about it and why his emotional outpouring was long overdue. Went to bed. He initiated sex that didn’t really go anywhere because we were both quite tipsy. After being asleep for a while I had a horrific nightmare. I used to have them and had counselling as a teen. I was raped as a teenager. I haven’t had bad nightmares for ages. According to DH I lept out of bed and cowered in the corner. A vase dropped off a cabinet and hit me on the head . I woke up confused. I’d been asleep and woke up scared and apparently snapped at him but he can’t recall what I said but he shouted to get to bed and stop acting like some silly rape victim. So having had a nightmare I’ve had a bash on the head and some what I consider venomous words that couldn’t have been crueller from the one person who I thought was my world. It’s like I’m looking at someone else. I feel sick. This man is / was my safe space. We’ve kids and grandkids. Maybe it’s raw but at the moment I feel sick to my stomach that I can’t get passed this but the thought of not being together is torture. I’m so conflicted.

OP posts:

grapewine · 05/12/2021 20:14

some silly rape victim

Anyone who said that to me could absolutely fuck off. Probably forever, to be honest. What a disgusting way to think of someone being horrifically victimised.

It says a lot about him, actually, and none of it is good.

InternetAnonymityCanHelp · 05/12/2021 20:14

I think you have your trauma, and it’s very significant to you. I think you haven’t worked it through.

My husband is a great man, but a very practical man, and hasn’t understood some of the trauma I’ve been through.

I’ve had to be the strong one and help him to understand that he needs to support me.

I’ve been through a lot with my family and my part, and it affects me. My husband doesn’t understand easily, but he’s starting to.

I think what I am saying is work out if you value your husband. Do you want to continue the marriage? He will have his own background- and if he’s 50/60 it won’t include addressing and acknowledging emotions.

Separate the issues. Get counselling for yourself. I would lose a lot if I lost my marriage, how do you feel?

picklemewalnuts · 05/12/2021 20:16

It seems to me that you were both tired, emotional, disturbed... he was woken up as well.

What he said was awful, but he said it while distracted/confused himself. I imagine he felt a bit distressed that you were behaving as though he was a threat, in that moment.

Is his situation that he's stressed and emotional about resolved?
I'd suggest being a bit cool and letting him think about why you are so hurt- but that's no good if he's still under pressure.

Keepitonthedownlow · 05/12/2021 20:17

What did he mean by his statement?

KatyAnna · 05/12/2021 20:18

I don’t think santa meant to be disgusting, userinterface. Sadly these things happen. It’s how I was raped. It is good that you know this did not happen with your husband, but santa was not making an unreasonable suggestion.
Anyway, I appreciate this is painful and not a line of discussion you wish to follow, and to be honest, neither do I, but the suggestion was not ‘disgusting’. It happens.

Original poster

userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 20:19

@user1471453601 I want to. But I feel sick that he’s said that to me. It’s Making me question him. I looked at him today and it was like looking at a stranger in some respects. We don’t have daughters but have a granddaughter. The rape stats are horrific. Conviction rates more so. If a stranger said that to her I’d feel murderous. This man is my husband. How do I square that!

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 05/12/2021 20:22

Thoughtless sometimes lazy. Says you do it (it being housework hosting etc) so well that I don’t think to step up. Sometimes dismissive. When I point it out he says sorry does it again then when I point out his sorry means little because it’s not the first time he gets irked.

Does it feel like he's nice to you if you go along with the way he wants? What if you insisted on him pulling his weight around the house? How would he respond to that? What is irked? Sulking? Shouting?

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2021 20:29

Op do you have a full and stable memory? So you were drunk, had a nightmare, leapt out of bed, cowered in a corner, a vase hit you on the head, you passed out on thr floor, and woke up, you snapped at him but both of you were so very drunk you don’t recall what you said, but you both know he said stop acting like a silly rape victim. Is this what happened?

Original poster

userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 20:30

PicsInRed He’s nice full stop. Hes gentle and kind and at worst lazy round the house and thoughtless. Lazy in that he doesn’t care if the hoovering is not done or he has cheese on toast for tea every night. If I never cooked him another dinner again he would not mention it but I like veggies etc. But it’s those words. They hurt. I’m not a victim. I’m successful in my field. Have a lovely family and not many people know what happened but you can’t hide night terrors from someone you share a bed with. I now have them every year or less. But when we first shared a bed they were bad. He’s always been kind but it’s like now I’ve been told how he really feels. I understand the thought of he’s usually kind etc but some silly rape victim. That stings and i don’t know how it never won’t.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2021 20:32

Op is this maybe due to the fact you were both drunk and you got hit on the head by a vase and passed out?

Original poster

userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 20:32

Bluntness. Yes. We both agreed that is what is said and happened.

OP posts:

MadameMonk · 05/12/2021 20:32

I’d be texting him to find somewhere else to stay after his work away ends, since you’ve got a lot of thinking to do about the marriage.

If he keeps on about how unreasonable you’re being, given he’s apologised, send him the quote about the broken plate. The one about how apologising to it doesn’t make it any less broken.

Then stop answering for a while, silence can be more powerful in these situations. Plus you actually do have some thinking to do. And some counselling.

Original poster

userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 20:33

Bluntness not passed out but those words were said and that is my issue.

OP posts:

MrsSkylerWhite · 05/12/2021 20:35

You were both drunk.
You need to have a sensible, sober conversation when he gets home.

grapewine · 05/12/2021 20:36

@KatyAnna

I don’t think santa meant to be disgusting, userinterface. Sadly these things happen. It’s how I was raped. It is good that you know this did not happen with your husband, but santa was not making an unreasonable suggestion. Anyway, I appreciate this is painful and not a line of discussion you wish to follow, and to be honest, neither do I, but the suggestion was not ‘disgusting’. It happens.

I agree with this. MNHQ erasing the comment doesn't make it any less true that it happens.

gannett · 05/12/2021 20:37

[quote userinterface34]@user1471453601 I want to. But I feel sick that he’s said that to me. It’s Making me question him. I looked at him today and it was like looking at a stranger in some respects. We don’t have daughters but have a granddaughter. The rape stats are horrific. Conviction rates more so. If a stranger said that to her I’d feel murderous. This man is my husband. How do I square that![/quote]
Tell him this. Tell him how serious those words are.

At this point it's not about the fact that he said them. Between the stress, the confusion, the waking - people say things. A man of his generation will have taken in a lot of ingrained misogyny that I'm not sure they can ever fully unlearn.

So he said an awful thing. Now - he needs to understand how awful it was. He doesn't sound like he gets it yet. He needs to understand those words hit different for women than for men, and especially for survivors.

grapewine · 05/12/2021 20:38

Anyway, OP. I'm sorry about what you went through in your life. Wish you healing and hope you find a way to go forward from this.

PicsInRed · 05/12/2021 20:41

I would take a step back from trying to teach him why it's hurtful and why he should be sorry, and require him to figure it out for himself and BE sorry.

His decision will be useful information.

If you decide to have counselling, I would do so alone in order to have the safe space to figure out your feelings about the marriage.

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2021 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

Original poster

userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 20:44

Silly rape victim. He said it. Even if he said sorry how do I ever know that’s not how he really feels. I don’t feel silly or actually like a victim anymore but I have been raped. I hate feeling like this. I wish he never said it. I don’t think I can ever look at him the same.

OP posts:

Original poster

userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 20:46

He’s in his 40’s. He’s not an older generation.

OP posts:

mylovelydd · 05/12/2021 20:47

I'm sorry you went through any of this OP.

I highly doubt that OP needs informing that 'rape happens' 🙄 She knows as well as the rest of us that have experienced it. To point out that it happens like that is minimising it and normalising it.
I love the fact that posters are making out like you don't know what was said even though you were there...
Have you heard from him since he left OP? What does he say about why he said that?

OhSister · 05/12/2021 20:48

It was an awful thing to say and no context excuses it.

But could there have been context that makes it somewhat less bizarre, if not less hurtful? You leaped out of bed and cowered in the corner in reaction to your nightmare... Could it be that he had touched you in the bed (I'm not saying abusively, I mean maybe he snuggled closer or threw an arm over you or something) and in your dream you felt danger, so it seemed to him you were reacting to him as if he was going to rape you?

As I said nothong excuses 'silly'... but maybe the sentiment that you were overreacting was to do with him being defensive, believing that you were reacting to him?

WeRTheOnesWeHaveBeenWaitingFor · 05/12/2021 20:49

If he’s otherwise genuinely not an arsehole then I would ask him to go to counselling with you. You need to resolve this with more than a shit apology to move on, otherwise you may end up really hating him. I’m sorry he said that to you, that was completely unreasonable and toxically hurtful

TillyTopper · 05/12/2021 20:52

I'm sure anyone would find what he said shocking, absolutely not wanting to minimise this for you, but I am thinking about it from another angle. Had he literally just woken up (by you and the vase crashing) and he had gone to bed tipsy - was he disorientated too? Just something to think about if he is generally great.

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