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Original poster

Cruel words from usually lovely husband of over 20 years. How to move on?

122 replies

userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 19:39

For context we’d had a few to drink . My DH has a stressful job and yesterday evening he was very emotional which is not usual. We spent a lot of time chatting about it and why his emotional outpouring was long overdue. Went to bed. He initiated sex that didn’t really go anywhere because we were both quite tipsy. After being asleep for a while I had a horrific nightmare. I used to have them and had counselling as a teen. I was raped as a teenager. I haven’t had bad nightmares for ages. According to DH I lept out of bed and cowered in the corner. A vase dropped off a cabinet and hit me on the head . I woke up confused. I’d been asleep and woke up scared and apparently snapped at him but he can’t recall what I said but he shouted to get to bed and stop acting like some silly rape victim. So having had a nightmare I’ve had a bash on the head and some what I consider venomous words that couldn’t have been crueller from the one person who I thought was my world. It’s like I’m looking at someone else. I feel sick. This man is / was my safe space. We’ve kids and grandkids. Maybe it’s raw but at the moment I feel sick to my stomach that I can’t get passed this but the thought of not being together is torture. I’m so conflicted.

OP posts:

Bonnieonthelam · 05/12/2021 21:44

What he said is truly unforgivable but you were both drunk. Quite it seems from what you say. I’m sorry your feelings were hurt. Don’t give up on your relationship for this one thing. It matters how you proceed from here.

Emotions. Drinking. Nightmare. Result is something I bet both of you feel bad about. Move on. I think he must be quite ashamed of himself and can’t bring himself to apologise. Give it time. No rash decisions.

StellaGibson118 · 05/12/2021 21:45

Everyone here excusing him based on the circumstances are not really considering how he's behaved since... if I said something like this that was so cutting and deep to my wife I would be absolutely devastated at myself and really apologetic.

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 21:45

Or maybe this has been building for 20 years and he has been stifling his own emotions to try and focus on supporting OP. Maybe he finally lost it in that moment of awaking to a loud crash and being snapped at. It’s also possible it was a fight or flight response caused by a sudden awakening and being snapped at. This would explain the sudden and out of character aggression.

StellaGibson118 · 05/12/2021 21:46

Or maybe he decided to punish OP with his words because she didn't have sex with him.

Sn0tnose · 05/12/2021 21:47

I don’t think I’d be able to forgive that. Especially when coupled with an apology that sounded less than sincere. He doesn’t seem to have much understanding of how appalling his comment was.

How long is he working away for OP? Have you got some time to yourself to work out how you feel about it?

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 21:48

I would definitely be worried about my partner’s mental health/welbeing if he had a sudden outburst like this. Especially if I knew he was going through a lot of work stress like OPs husband and had been showing similar depressive behaviours.

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 21:49

@StellaGibson118

Or maybe he decided to punish OP with his words because she didn't have sex with him.

But she said he’s been a lovely husband for 20 years. Doesn’t really sound very likely.

riotlady · 05/12/2021 22:02

I would really need a sincere apology from someone for this, not a halfbaked or defensive or snappy one, a real, deep apology. I was also raped as a teen and have suffered nightmares and mental health issues so I understand how much a comment like this would hurt. But I also know that it can be really tiring coping with someone else's trauma, and I wouldn't write off an otherwise lovely man for one awful comment. Is it worth talking it through again to explain, without too much accusation, how much this hurt you?

Booklover3 · 05/12/2021 22:06

Not sure OP. If you’ve had a lovely relationship for 20 years then this behaviour is pretty bizarre.

Is he working away for long? for you.

Perdigal · 05/12/2021 22:11

I think you have to move
On if he's been a good partner
For 20 years.

It's quite possible that what happened
To You gave him a fright. He would have woken up In a total real panic, brain wouldn't have been quite engaged and would have been relieved it was
Just a bad dream and that
Then triggered a weird angry / relieved
Reaction.

That being said it would not have been nice at all to be on the receiving end.

Maybe counselling just for this issue ? And OP sorry to Hear you were raped x

me4real · 05/12/2021 22:13

That's really obnoxious of him @userinterface34 . Survivors are going to act however they act in response to the trauma they've experienced. Sometimes it can be nightmares etc. They're not in control of things like that so criticising them for it is unconstructive and repulsive.

grapewine · 05/12/2021 22:20

The amount of minimising on this thread is honestly disheartening.

HyacynthBucket · 05/12/2021 22:21

This is really awful OP. I feel your pain at the sudden whisking away of what was safe and trusted in your husband, and how devastating the shock must be.
Namechangerino is right.
Can you be away for a few days when he is due back home? Leave a note saying you have gone away for a few days as you need to consider your marriage. Maybe go to a hotel, not anywhere he would guess and try and make contact. Let him sweat for a few days. Don't answer the phone. It should teach him not to take you for granted. And it will give you a chance to process what has happened and come to an idea of what to do next - best done while not in your own 4 walls, where thoughts can go round and round in the same pattern. Good luck OP.

Platax · 05/12/2021 22:33

Does he or you know what you said when you snapped at him? I suspect that that may be key. If you said something particularly hurtful to him, especially as he was feeling vulnerable, this may have been simply a knee-jerk hitting back.

user100579765 · 05/12/2021 22:35

@EightWheelGirl

Or maybe he’s a piece of shit

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 22:37

Survivors are going to act however they act in response to the trauma they've experienced. Sometimes it can be nightmares etc. They're not in control of things like that so criticising them for it is unconstructive and repulsive.

Could the same not be said of somebody in the first few confused seconds of being awoken from a drunken sleep by a loud crash and somebody yelling at them? They’re not totally in control.

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 22:40

Or maybe he’s a piece of shit

Well, OP seems to think otherwise. It’s more likely that you’re a bitter individual looking for a reason to get the knives out.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/12/2021 22:41

@EightWheelGirl

Could the same not be said of somebody in the first few confused seconds of being awoken from a drunken sleep by a loud crash and somebody yelling at them? They’re not totally in control.

Being woken up makes you startled, not nasty and spiteful about the thing that would hurt someone the most.

Like some PPs I'm really disturbed at the minimising of his words, and their impact, on this thread.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/12/2021 22:43

@EightWheelGirl

Or maybe he’s a piece of shit

Well, OP seems to think otherwise. It’s more likely that you’re a bitter individual looking for a reason to get the knives out.

By bitter I assume you mean someone bitter about being raped and likely to have a strong reaction to comments that a partner could make about the rape that are incredibly disturbing and upsetting.

I don't think that's 'bitter' as such. I think it's an understandable reaction from a survivor of rape to unacceptable behaviour.

headspin10 · 05/12/2021 22:53

This sounds really horrible. I would take it that he has basically NO idea how hideous and traumatic it feels to be raped. He is dismissive of that entirely. Drunk or not, it's incredibly hurtful and not ok.

I would want to sit him down and give him every detail of your terrible experience, make him listen to every bit until he actually 'gets' how cruel a comment that was.

AnFiadhRua · 05/12/2021 23:11

It is the word silly that would irk me. I get that he might be startled and confused that you were scared (by your nightmare) and he might have felt it personally that you were ''acting like a rape victim'' when you were supposedly safe with him. I'm trying to give him the benefit here, as you say he's nice. But he put in the word '''silly''. LIke all of the trauma is actually drama not pain and fear and trauma.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/12/2021 23:15

I would be so so upset that he thinks a rape victim (survivor) being scared, traumatised and panicky after a dream reliving their trauma is 'silly'. The more I think about this the more angry I am and astonished not only he said it but that he didn't immediately feel disgusted by himself and beg you for forgiveness. It's so specific and so cruel.

DamnShesaSexyChick · 05/12/2021 23:21

Look I’m not being horrible but I’d go berserk if someone woke me up like that when I was asleep. He’s apologised, you’re not going to leave him so just move on.

MadeForThis · 05/12/2021 23:22

My first thought was that he had put his arm around you or touched you (innocently) and you leaped out of bed. He took it personally due to drunkenness.

It totally doesn't excuse what he said and I would question what he meant by that phrase.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/12/2021 23:24

@DamnShesaSexyChick

Look I’m not being horrible but I’d go berserk if someone woke me up like that when I was asleep. He’s apologised, you’re not going to leave him so just move on.

Berserk enough to berate them for 'behaving like a silly rape victim'?! Really? Jesus. As a survivor, I really hope that isn't the case and also that you never do so such a thing.

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