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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cruel words from usually lovely husband of over 20 years. How to move on?

122 replies

userinterface34 · 05/12/2021 19:39

For context we’d had a few to drink . My DH has a stressful job and yesterday evening he was very emotional which is not usual. We spent a lot of time chatting about it and why his emotional outpouring was long overdue. Went to bed. He initiated sex that didn’t really go anywhere because we were both quite tipsy. After being asleep for a while I had a horrific nightmare. I used to have them and had counselling as a teen. I was raped as a teenager. I haven’t had bad nightmares for ages. According to DH I lept out of bed and cowered in the corner. A vase dropped off a cabinet and hit me on the head . I woke up confused. I’d been asleep and woke up scared and apparently snapped at him but he can’t recall what I said but he shouted to get to bed and stop acting like some silly rape victim. So having had a nightmare I’ve had a bash on the head and some what I consider venomous words that couldn’t have been crueller from the one person who I thought was my world. It’s like I’m looking at someone else. I feel sick. This man is / was my safe space. We’ve kids and grandkids. Maybe it’s raw but at the moment I feel sick to my stomach that I can’t get passed this but the thought of not being together is torture. I’m so conflicted.

OP posts:

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 05/12/2021 20:56

some silly rape victim

Anyone who said that to me could absolutely fuck off. Probably forever, to be honest. What a disgusting way to think of someone being horrifically victimised.

It says a lot about him, actually, and none of it is good.

/////

This. Of all the ways he could have reacted/things he could have said, this is genuinely horrible - it's so specific and viscous. I think the mask he's kept on for so long has slipped a little.

I'm not saying you can't move on together from this but he needs to examine where such a disgusting attitude comes from.

tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz · 05/12/2021 20:57

No matter how drunk/tired/distressed I was I would NEVER say something like this to a survivor.

beastlyslumber · 05/12/2021 20:57

My jaw dropped open when I read what he said to you, OP. How utterly horrible. I totally understand why that's so upsetting. It's such a dismissal of your experiences, such a put down, and is a very contemptuous thing to say.

It sounds like your relationship is generally very good, but this has now made you look differently at your husband, and the question is whether it's possible to rebuild the trust you had in him. I doubt that he understands how his words have broken your trust and made you feel vulnerable - and without that understanding, it's going to be very hard to move forward.

I think if I were you I would seek out some counselling for myself, and try to work through how I felt and what I wanted before considering couples counselling or making any other decision. You have been verbally attacked by your husband at a time when you were incredibly vulnerable. His motivations and intentions are of course relevant, but of secondary importance to your own feelings. So deal with your own feelings first, before you begin to consider his. I'd hope that he would reflect on this and realise that he needs to make amends to you. Whether he does that or not will also have a bearing on what you decide to do, I'm sure. But let him deal with himself for now. Focus on how you are are

CaptSkippy · 05/12/2021 20:57

If you have nothing constructive to offer while I’m on obvious pain just go away.

This is what you should have told him. You don't have to leave him or divorce him, but it should be absolutely clear to him that an incisinsere apology fixes nothing and that he can't expect someone to accept an apology just because he offered off.

He pushed the buttons on raw emotions and should be prepared to face the consequences.

daisyjgrey · 05/12/2021 21:06

@TillyTopper

I'm sure anyone would find what he said shocking, absolutely not wanting to minimise this for you, but I am thinking about it from another angle. Had he literally just woken up (by you and the vase crashing) and he had gone to bed tipsy - was he disorientated too? Just something to think about if he is generally great.

No this is bollocks. If he was startled and half asleep he could have said something harsh or blunt but it would be generic "stop being a fucking idiot" etc. But "stop being a silly rape victim"? That's personalised enough that it's not come from a groggy man who doesn't know exactly what's going on.

I'd be REALLY concerned that that is how he felt towards the situation, and I don't think I could get over it.

I have medical PTSD and if my partner belittled me like that with such a niche comment that was out of context, I'd be livid.

WonderfulYou · 05/12/2021 21:08

It is a completely bizarre thing for him to have said, knowing your history and given your long marriage. What stands out at me a bit is that you don’t remember what you said and neither can he, you were confused and maybe he was too? It is a completely bizarre thing to say if he is otherwise supportive.

I agree.

I’m not dismissing your feelings in any way but you were both drunk, half asleep and confused.

You had had a nightmare and was cowering in the corner which was completely unnecessary under the circumstances so you were ‘not in your right frame of mind’ and neither was he.

I would let go of it if he is usually so kind. If he genuinely thought that then he would have said it before now.
Do you think you need some counselling if you are having nightmares again?

Mumoftwoinprimary · 05/12/2021 21:09

@tellmewhentheLangshiplandscoz

some silly rape victim

Anyone who said that to me could absolutely fuck off. Probably forever, to be honest. What a disgusting way to think of someone being horrifically victimised.

It says a lot about him, actually, and none of it is good.

/////

This. Of all the ways he could have reacted/things he could have said, this is genuinely horrible - it's so specific and viscous. I think the mask he's kept on for so long has slipped a little.

I'm not saying you can't move on together from this but he needs to examine where such a disgusting attitude comes from.

Agree with this.

I get that he was drunk, half asleep and disorientated. But it was such a vicious, targeted thing to say. If he had said “why are you eating the elephant?” then I would be far more supportive of him.

But your nightmares are connected to you being raped and he made a vicious comment about rape.

RaskolnikovsGarret · 05/12/2021 21:19

Cannot believe some posters are trying to explain away what happened. This seems to me the same as attempts to make rape victims at the time think they are overreacting. The OP’s drinking is completely irrelevant.

I’m so sorry your DH said this to you. I would find it hard to move forward from this.

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 21:23

You say you snapped at him. Could he just have been a bit startled having been awoken from a drunken slumber by a loud crash and you shouting at him? Perhaps that and his already emotional state caused him to act out of character.

user1999952776 · 05/12/2021 21:23

So many people rushing to excuse this man’s behaviour, why when someone cheats it’s always LTB but rape and trauma being dismissed as silly it’s he was drunk forget about it. I wouldn’t be able to let this go no way.

TatianaBis · 05/12/2021 21:25

Such a bizarre and offensive thing to say.

I wonder if he realised you were asleep when you jumped out of bed. Could have been offended that you were cowering from him not realising you weren’t awake?

Jenasaurus · 05/12/2021 21:27

Are you sure the vase hitting you on the head was an accident Op

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 21:29

But being still drunk and having only been awake a few seconds it’s possible the ‘silly’ was more about her getting drunk and falling all over the place. He wouldn’t have had time to really assess the situation.

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 21:29

@Jenasaurus

Are you sure the vase hitting you on the head was an accident Op

Are you implying a poltergeist?

irene88 · 05/12/2021 21:30

Hi! I'm sorry you're going through this - it sounds like your husband crossed a boundary that is very dear to you and triggered a lot of horrible feelings.

For what is worth, I have said some terrible things that I didn't mean in the past, and people who love me have said those to me as well. We were all in stressful situations at the time, stemming from personal issues rather than issues with the victim receiving our offensive comments. I'm not saying that's ok or justifiable, but we're human and can sometimes behave in less than ideal ways. I'm happy to say I have not made comments of that calibre for a long while, but that's because I did the work.

I'm not saying you should forgive someone just because they are human and going through tough stuff - that's up to you to sense and decide whether you are able to or even want to. I guess I'm just trying to give a different perspective as someone who's said some horrible things in times of distress. I was forgiven, but I'd also understand if I hadn't. I didn't mean those things though, and I don't think those things today. I didn't even think them back then right after I'd said them, and I have regretted ever saying them since then.

Hope this helps somehow.

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 21:30

Or self harm?

Feedingthebirds1 · 05/12/2021 21:30

There is NO excuse for calling OP a silly rape victim.

Not being tipsy, or half asleep, or having just touched her, or being disorientated, or confused. NONE.

OP I hope that in time you can process this and work out the right way forward. I don't know what that will be, but do what's right for you.

Fatherliamdeliverance · 05/12/2021 21:34

I think he needs to clearly explain himself. What he meant by 'silly rape victim' why he said it and whether he would consider himself silly for being traumatised if he were raped. Words have a lot of potency. He hasn't withdrawn or properly apologised for his and that's the bloody least you deserve, OP.

StellaGibson118 · 05/12/2021 21:35

I don't think there are any excuses for what he said.Have you asked him if what he said reflects how he feels? You need to properly talk to him as obviously this has inflicted a deep wound, as it would anyone.

EightWheelGirl · 05/12/2021 21:35

It does certainly seem odd if he’s not shown any sign of this type of behaviour in 20 years.

I wonder if he wasn’t so much referring to your past experiences as saying “stop acting like I’m a rapist.”

Branleuse · 05/12/2021 21:37

I think the fact you were both drunk, emotional and it was the middle of the night and all of a sudden it was like something big and dramatic was happening out of nowhere, then i think its forgiveable that was a bad choice of words

Ellen888 · 05/12/2021 21:39

@EightWheelGirl

It does certainly seem odd if he’s not shown any sign of this type of behaviour in 20 years.

I wonder if he wasn’t so much referring to your past experiences as saying “stop acting like I’m a rapist.”

That's pretty much what I've been saying...

Missmissmiiiiiiiiisss · 05/12/2021 21:40

Sounds very hurtful, but I think I can’t imagine ending an otherwise happy marriage over something said when someone was drunk and just woken up. He probably didn’t mean to cut you so deeply. I’m not sure that his grumpy, just woken thoughts reflect his ‘true’ thoughts certainly not more than decades of previous actions.

IAAP · 05/12/2021 21:41

I’d absolutely end my marriage over a comment like that absolutely disrespectful and sexist and abusive

Silly - no
Rape victim - yes but also rape survivor

To be labelled as them together absolute no

namechangerino · 05/12/2021 21:44

A bad choice of words?!! I honestly can't believe the amount of people minimising this (or maybe I can and a huge proportion of women choose to stay in shitty marriages and have to justify it to themselves by minimising other men's shitty behaviour).

There is 'insensitve' and there is downright 'this is a window into my soul and a clear demonstration of how I feel about women who have been sexually victimised at the hands of men'. I agree with a pp that his mask has slipped. I can't imagine EVER saying anything so specifically heartless and cruel without it revealing some very unpleasant truths about my moral and emotional landscape.

I don't know if I could forgive this. for you you, OP

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