I'm 5 weeks down from leaving my controlling husband but still need a hand hold x

[kelseypops]

I'm 5 weeks down.

I should be proud of myself.

I have backstory on previous thread - he's cohercive controlled me according to my counsellor and has narc tendencies.

Lost his dad to suicide. He was abusive. Very damaged childhood.

The last couple of weeks he's been convinced I have been seeing/messaging someone else. I'm staying at my mums. I'm not doing anything. He's messaged my friends to ask them if they know anything. He turned up at my mums at 5am saying he was having a panic attack and needed me. Thankfully I was asleep and didn't know he had been here. He later said he was having a panic attack but also looking for signs of this man I'm supposed to be seeing. He checks when I'm last online etc.

Last night I thought he was FaceTiming DS but it was actually to check there was no one here. I had to walk around my mums house to prove I was on my own in the house with my dcs. My mum was out.

He says he is ill. He is mentally unwell - I know that but says I should be supporting him through his illness.

This morning he told me he was going on tinder to find someone else. Now he's apologising. Tomorrow he will probably be angry at me. I haven't spoken to him today. His mum has wanted to me to call her, no doubt making excuses for him (she won't admit she played any part in damaging him when he was a child) but I haven't and won't.

I have been grey rock as much as I feel I can. I've been very cold towards him however I still feel he has this massive control over me. I'm hoping in time it will fade.

Not sure what the point of this thread is. Im not asking anything. Im just hurting. I always knew he didn't treat me properly but I loved him all the same. Still do in a way but I won't be going back. He has shown his true colours to a lot of people now.

Just fed up. Had my booster covid jab yesterday too and feel a bit crappy from it. It's all just taken it's toll on me.

One step, day at a time

Think what has gone right but things will settle down in time 👍👍👍

You owe him nothing.
You don't want that life anymore.

Why do you have to speak to him now you have left? Could child contact be negotiated and liaised by someone else on your behalf.

Hand hold & sympathy

Hold your nerve, keep up the grey rock. You’re doing really well, I found the early stages after separation exhausting too, there seems to be a tendency to ramp up the attempts to control and I also found I was still susceptible and it still really worried me.

You are doing it all right and doing a great job.

You absolutely should be proud of yourself - but leaving is only the first step (unfortunately). He's still trying to control you. But you will get there, I know you will, because I remember your first thread and how strong you were then.

If he's messaging you constantly, might you consider getting a second phone? Swap sims around so he doesn't know your main phone has changed numbers. Then switch the phone with the number he has for you off. Only look at it when you want to. Gradually working up to a point when you only look at his messages once a day.

You are doing so well. He’s doing every tactic to try and get you back/get that control over you back (aiming for pity,trying to make you jealous, pretending he can’t get by without you.) It’s ridiculous. Just keep on keeping on.

"I had to walk around my mums house to prove I was on my own in the house with my dcs."

I don't think you should do this sort of thing again. Nothing you do will ever be enough, and meanwhile you're ruining your own privacy.

I think you need contact to be formal and through a centre only if possible from now on. He's abusive and stalkerish.

Get a non molestation order.

Arrange for contact with the children to be via a third party.

@Vanishun

"I had to walk around my mums house to prove I was on my own in the house with my dcs."

I don't think you should do this sort of thing again. Nothing you do will ever be enough, and meanwhile you're ruining your own privacy.

I think you need contact to be formal and through a centre only if possible from now on. He's abusive and stalkerish.

Agree with this. You going along with that request is still allowing him to control you.

As difficult as it is, you atd better off only having contact by email. His mental health is not your problem. His paranoia is not either. You must not do what he wants to make him feel better. He's trying to blackmail you and control you be getting you to feel sorry for him. Dont engage with it.. he can go to his family.if you keep giving in he will keep bothering you. You've done well to get this far stay strong 💪 and keep going.

Just stick with it but even more strongly detach. You do not show him around the house on face time, he has no right. You need to say, facetime is to contact child, nothing else, and stick to it. In fact all contact is about child nothing else. Just do not respond to anything else. As if he hadn't said it. It will settle eventually, he will use tinder. He will still hate it when you see someone else but tough!
You are doing great.

Thank you all. I know what I have to do and I have been doing it - just slowly. It's just so very hard when you have been controlled by someone for so long.

I have taken steps to my new life.

I've got my own bank account, switched to universal credit, sorted the savings, having private counselling, got myself on meds. I've decided we are going to sell our car it would be a way he could continue controlling me by asking if he could use it. Surprisingly it's actually worth more than we paid for it so it will be sold and I'll get myself a nice car that's just mine! Knowing he can't ask to use it etc. I just need to find the right car for me first.

He admitted in a later message he said he was going back on tinder as a way to get a response from me. It didn't work and I haven't responded.

The issue is, I wanted him to have counselling for years but it was always no. Now I've left, he's admitted he needs it (probably as a way to get me back) and has started sessions.

It's just come back to bite me in the bum as was saying he's a 'victim of suicide' and that's an excuse for his behaviour. He has extreme anxiety and that's the reason why he has paranoia. He's ill and I should be able to see that and see him through it blah blah blah

Keep it up OP, it sounds like you are doing well. As others have said, next time he asks that you ‘prove’ something to him, grey rock him, end the conversation.

He is no longer your responsibility.

@thenewduchessofhastings

Get a non molestation order.

Arrange for contact with the children to be via a third party.

I have thought about it. I've made my family aware I may need to contact the police and last night told him if he continued to pester me with these accusations then I would be calling the police.

He also threatened to kill himself and I told him I would just call the police also

And plenty of people have mental health problems without behaving maliciously towards others.

Plenty of people have bad childhoods but don’t go on to abuse others.

If you have any funds, I can DM the name of an excellent counsellor / coach I’m working with, with loads of experience in these situations. It’s very hard to break the mindset that you need to do whatever he asks, however unreasonable… it’s such a reflex after years of being controlled, but you don’t have to! Why should you have to prove where you are or what you are doing… he has no right to demand that.

also download the Hollie Guard app, just in case xxx

When I split from my husband he did this sort of stuff and I actually put up with it until I came to my senses.
My marriage was emotionally abusive (but I didn't realise until I left) and I didn't realise this was all about him controlling me still.

Turn off your last seen on WhatsApp.

Don't show him round the house to prove you're home alone.

Block him on your phone and ask for email contact only.

My husband's mental health declined, he was even sectioned at one point and he attempted suicide but I never went back.

Once you are free you need to stay free.

Keep grey rocking him and you'll get through this.

Make sure you log all his contact and the turning up to your mums as you may need to get a non-molestation order against him.

You are doing great and have a whole new life to lead.

@Electricbug321

And plenty of people have mental health problems without behaving maliciously towards others.

Plenty of people have bad childhoods but don’t go on to abuse others.

100%

And I told him this. I've been very strong. Deep down I'm scared of him but in no way am I showing it.

Grey rock now

You’ve been very brave and very strong. Hang in there op, there is a much better, brighter life out there for you. Dig deep, keep doing what’s best for you. I’m cheering you on! Xx

I also refused to engage in discussions about our marriage, his mental health, why the marriage ended, how he could get me back or any future promises because you just end up going round in circles and getting no where.

Some days I'd exchange hundreds of messages with him and it was the ssme questions and I gave the same answers bit he wouldn't listen or understand.
Occasionally he would ring me and we'd have the same conversations until I realised it was a control thing so I used to tell him he could ring me (as we were supposedly staying friends) but if he discussed our marriage I'd hang up, he tried a few times but I would hang up and not answer his calls for days. In the end he learnt but I still got to the point of blocking him and going email only.

My husband had severe depression, he'd had a shit childhood, his dad had died when he was young but that still did not excuse his behaviour to me in or out of the marriage.
My ex had counselling loads of times but it never worked or 'fixed' him, now I realise he was probably never 100% honest with them.

As someone else pointed out, loads of people have similar experiences but they are not abusive to their partners

@SortingItOut

I also refused to engage in discussions about our marriage, his mental health, why the marriage ended, how he could get me back or any future promises because you just end up going round in circles and getting no where.

Some days I'd exchange hundreds of messages with him and it was the ssme questions and I gave the same answers bit he wouldn't listen or understand.
Occasionally he would ring me and we'd have the same conversations until I realised it was a control thing so I used to tell him he could ring me (as we were supposedly staying friends) but if he discussed our marriage I'd hang up, he tried a few times but I would hang up and not answer his calls for days. In the end he learnt but I still got to the point of blocking him and going email only.

My husband had severe depression, he'd had a shit childhood, his dad had died when he was young but that still did not excuse his behaviour to me in or out of the marriage.
My ex had counselling loads of times but it never worked or 'fixed' him, now I realise he was probably never 100% honest with them.

As someone else pointed out, loads of people have similar experiences but they are not abusive to their partners

This sounds exactly what I am in now. Thanks so much for taking the time to post as it helps me realise I'm not going crazy!

My H also chooses to listen to only what he wants too, doesn't actually take anything in. We have been going round in circles for weeks. I tell him I'm on his emotional rolllercoaster and not my own which is the one I should be on.

I asked him to leave me alone for space and time to think. He could only ever give me a few hours and he would be back telling me he loves me and he can change. Pointing things out he had realised he had done wrong in our marriage that I hadn't even brought up as I thought it was pointless.

It's a scary process but I know I can do it, it's just a fear of the unknown and how worse it's going to get

I asked him to leave me alone for space and time to think. He could only ever give me a few hours and he would be back telling me he loves me and he can change.

The fact he can only ever give you a few hours' peace demonstrating admirably that he can't change.

You're doing really well OP, your post about all the things you've done since you left made me want to stand up and cheer.

@GoGoGretaDoll

I asked him to leave me alone for space and time to think. He could only ever give me a few hours and he would be back telling me he loves me and he can change.

The fact he can only ever give you a few hours' peace demonstrating admirably that he can't change.

You're doing really well OP, your post about all the things you've done since you left made me want to stand up and cheer.

Thanks so much! I feel better today - it's a rollercoaster but I'm going to have a lovely morning Xmas shopping for my dcs knowing I'm spending money in my new bank account where he can't see what I'm doing.

I've had to contact him this morning regarding our cat but I was very much grey rock. Then I've had a message saying 'I've done wrong but it doesn't have to be this way, I love you' I won't respond to that.

Xmas songs on in the car and just going to have a lovely morning x

You are doing well OP. I know how difficult this is.

You need to go further now. Non molestion order and block him on all platforms.

Give him one new email address for contact and have your mum/friend monitor it - have no access to it yourself. Let them fitler anything of importance.

Good luck OP. You've got this.

Hello. Sending a big hand hold. I left a controlling husband 6 years ago and it feels like a lifetime ago.

He was also mentally ill and had anxiety issues. I made his anxiety worse by seeing friends (apparently I was out meeting other men etc). I think (not medically trained) by trying to control me and my behaviour - that was his way of coping. Once you leave it leaves him spiralling out of control.

You are 5 weeks into recovery where he sounds like he is getting worse.

When things are hard - just remember they must still be 100% better than when you were together

I too used to get the suicide emotional blackmail. Each time I would send him
Information about Samaritans and contact one of his family members.

Good luck and you got this!