I'm 5 weeks down from leaving my controlling husband but still need a hand hold x

[kelseypops]

I'm 5 weeks down.

I should be proud of myself.

I have backstory on previous thread - he's cohercive controlled me according to my counsellor and has narc tendencies.

Lost his dad to suicide. He was abusive. Very damaged childhood.

The last couple of weeks he's been convinced I have been seeing/messaging someone else. I'm staying at my mums. I'm not doing anything. He's messaged my friends to ask them if they know anything. He turned up at my mums at 5am saying he was having a panic attack and needed me. Thankfully I was asleep and didn't know he had been here. He later said he was having a panic attack but also looking for signs of this man I'm supposed to be seeing. He checks when I'm last online etc.

Last night I thought he was FaceTiming DS but it was actually to check there was no one here. I had to walk around my mums house to prove I was on my own in the house with my dcs. My mum was out.

He says he is ill. He is mentally unwell - I know that but says I should be supporting him through his illness.

This morning he told me he was going on tinder to find someone else. Now he's apologising. Tomorrow he will probably be angry at me. I haven't spoken to him today. His mum has wanted to me to call her, no doubt making excuses for him (she won't admit she played any part in damaging him when he was a child) but I haven't and won't.

I have been grey rock as much as I feel I can. I've been very cold towards him however I still feel he has this massive control over me. I'm hoping in time it will fade.

Not sure what the point of this thread is. Im not asking anything. Im just hurting. I always knew he didn't treat me properly but I loved him all the same. Still do in a way but I won't be going back. He has shown his true colours to a lot of people now.

Just fed up. Had my booster covid jab yesterday too and feel a bit crappy from it. It's all just taken it's toll on me.

@Thegreencup

If you have a relative to facilitate contact with DS, do pass to over to them too.

I only have my mum but deep down, I think she's scared of him so I can't put that on her.

I don't actually think he wants to FaceTime DS so if I tell him someone else will do it then he won't do it all.

I can't see him being in DS life to be honest, which isn't a bad thing sadly. I'd much rather bring him up on my own.

I have contacted a womens aid type charity in my local area this morning who are calling me later and will support me work contacting the police

Yep report his suicide threats and there will be a welfare check.

If he has harmed himself or plans to, it's best someone professional sees him so it's the right thing to do.

If he's saying it to manipulate then he's less likely to do it again due to embarrassment of them coming out to him so it's the right thing to do.

It's always the right thing to do.

My ex threatened it multiple times when I left him. I would pander to it until one day I didn't - instead I reported it and there was a welfare check. He was (obvs) absolately fine. He never threatened it again.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Yep report his suicide threats and there will be a welfare check.

If he has harmed himself or plans to, it's best someone professional sees him so it's the right thing to do.

If he's saying it to manipulate then he's less likely to do it again due to embarrassment of them coming out to him so it's the right thing to do.

It's always the right thing to do.

My ex threatened it multiple times when I left him. I would pander to it until one day I didn't - instead I reported it and there was a welfare check. He was (obvs) absolately fine. He never threatened it again.

Yes I know how to call 999 if he does it again. I had counselling this morning and she advised that I do that.

Suicide threats are a form of control so the police also need to be informed if it ends up going to court.

I've had 2 more messages this morning saying he will leave me alone and he's sorry. Obviously I haven't replied but I just want all this to be over.

My counsellor also said the minute he finds someone else, he will leave me alone. That day can't come quick enough

@kelseypops You are doing so well, everything you're ex is doing is what my exhusband did.
Nice one minute, horrible the next, apologising followed by excuses then back to nice, then horrible- it is the worst rollercoaster to be on.

With regard to the suicide threats - just report to the police/family and ignore.
Even if he does go through with it this is not your fault. My ex husband attempted suicide 3 times but they were half hearted attempts to reel me in and the first two worked and I supported him,by the third time I was done.

I'm glad you've reached out to a DV charity and you will get some support.

You are doing so well.

Seeing his manipulation and not responding is huge progress.

Keep posting.

[quote SortingItOut]@kelseypops You are doing so well, everything you're ex is doing is what my exhusband did.
Nice one minute, horrible the next, apologising followed by excuses then back to nice, then horrible- it is the worst rollercoaster to be on.

With regard to the suicide threats - just report to the police/family and ignore.
Even if he does go through with it this is not your fault. My ex husband attempted suicide 3 times but they were half hearted attempts to reel me in and the first two worked and I supported him,by the third time I was done.

I'm glad you've reached out to a DV charity and you will get some support.[/quote]
Thank you for your reply - that's exactly how it is. His emotional rollercoaster. Today he is full of remorse and saying he doesn't blame me for anything. Unfortunately I had to contact him due to something financial - I've done my part but he has to do his and needed to give him some info.

It ended with him in tears apologising. It always seems sincere but I know the angry him will be back in no time. The positive is that it doesn't get to me - him sobbing down the phone doesn't pull on my heart strings. So I suppose that in itself is a huge step isn't it.

It sure is.

You are detaching so well.

It will all get easier.

Don't have any unnecessary contact.

Avoid him at all costs.

I spoke to my local woman's aid type charity today. They were good and are going to help me through everything.

She described him as an emotional manipulator. Call the police with suicide threats etc.

This morning he's asked if he could use the car. I took the car when I left. It's in my name but he pays the loan for it. He has a works van. My next job is to sell the car as I just want one that's mine. He's using it to control me - he's actually taken the log book so I can't sell it....

Anyway he asked if he could use the car tonight. I said yes that's fine. He has a spare car key so we don't have to see each other.

He then says he will pick it up at 10pm. Alarm bells stated ringing for me so I responded and said that was no problem at all.

He then sent me another message to ask me if I was 100% sure we were over. Another one saying he really needed to know.

It's all just mind games. Coming to collect the car at 10pm to make me think he's going to see another woman.

It doesn't really bother me what he does and I can see right through him.

I explained this it my womens aid lady this morning and straight away she said 'mind games, don't fall for it' which I haven't.

Next job is to sell the car.

I'm doing well with sorting everything out. Every day I feel more free from him in one way or another

You can apply for a new V5 from the DVLA. It costs £35 I think but might be worth the money?

I wouldn't have given him that car if he wouldn't give you the book that is in YOUR name.

@billy1966

I wouldn't have given him that car if he wouldn't give you the book that is in YOUR name.

He has a spare car key. He's on the insurance. He would just come and take it anyway

Oh ok, if the car is in YOUR name, you can remove him.

I would do that.

He might damage it to get at you.

There is nothing to be gained taking that risk.

@billy1966

Oh ok, if the car is in YOUR name, you can remove him.

I would do that.

He might damage it to get at you.

There is nothing to be gained taking that risk.

I'm going to sell it next week, hopefully before Xmas. I've got a couple of cars to look at at the weekend. Then I'll have a car that he cannot get too. I've applied for a new log book and had my mail re directed to my mums house so hopefully it will all fall into place. I don't need to sell the car to get my new one so that works in my favour.

I just feel so wobbly: I have a feeling he's going to see another woman tonight. I don't know why I'm bothered - im not bothered but it still hurts

He is trying so hard to derail you.

You are doing so well.

He has tried so hard to reel you back in but you have resisted.

This is just another attempt.

Keep focusing on your recovery.

He is no loss to you.

The insinuating that another woman is on the scene is just another tactic to get you back where he wants you.

He's tried the screaming and shouting, he's tried the crocodile tears, now he's trying to make you jealous.

Shows how much you truly mean to him doesn't it? What a piece of work.

You have to completely stop engaging with him for anything other than reasonable conversations about the kids/finances. Don't reply at all. You can't reason with him so don't try. Well done op and good luck.

I know, I had to see to him again today re finances (which he has now done his part thankfully so it's another thing that's complete) and he kept asking my to cuddle him, would I reconsider going back, he cried. I stayed as grey rock as I could and left as soon as the joint phone call we needed to make was done.

He did also give me the log book back for the car and has said I can keep whatever profit there is on it - about 4K I think.

Sadly he won't ever change and I know this. He is absolutely desperate for me to return and says all his anxiety will go away the minute I do.

I told him straight this will not be happening - and also mentioned he has a lot of work to do on himself. Me going back will not solve his anxiety, paranoia and controlling ways. It will just make the crappy feeling that he has disappear but obviously the dark side to him will always be there. He just doesn't see that part

Positive update. Now relax and enjoy Christmas 🎄

@StopGo

Positive update. Now relax and enjoy Christmas 🎄

Thank you, I'll try. Have a Christmas x

Absolutely fantastic update.

Well done.

You are amazing.

Well well well....

Another woman has emerged I've been informed!! He's been round to this one's house! Obviously just a 'friend'.

That's 2 now!

Why the hell on multiple occasions did I FaceTime him and walk around my mums house to prove to him that no one was here??

What an idiot I am.

Well well @kelseypops - what a surprise! Not...

At least you'll know how to act next time he tries to bully you to demonstrate you're not playing away.... what an utter hypocrite he is! 🌹

@Newestname002

Well well *@kelseypops* - what a surprise! Not...

At least you'll know how to act next time he tries to bully you to demonstrate you're not playing away.... what an utter hypocrite he is! 🌹

He sent me a message basically turning it all round on me. It's all my fault. I told him to move on. She's just a friend. A friend that knows him better than anyone apart from me....though he's never mentioned her in the 6 years I've been with him 🙄

He is such a manipulative person.

The only thing that's concerned me is I've been made aware she's recently left a very controlling relationship. If she's vulnerable, he will be straight in there with the love bombing

OP,

Use his distraction to put even more space between you.

God help her whoever she is.

Sell your car, bank the money.

Keep away from him.

Shame for her but at least you can use this time where he is a little distracted to sell the car and distance yourself more.

I'd move your car somewhere he can't find it until its sold btw or he may just take it in order to stress you out.