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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm 5 weeks down from leaving my controlling husband but still need a hand hold x

103 replies

kelseypops · 05/12/2021 16:59

I'm 5 weeks down.

I should be proud of myself.

I have backstory on previous thread - he's cohercive controlled me according to my counsellor and has narc tendencies.

Lost his dad to suicide. He was abusive. Very damaged childhood.

The last couple of weeks he's been convinced I have been seeing/messaging someone else. I'm staying at my mums. I'm not doing anything. He's messaged my friends to ask them if they know anything. He turned up at my mums at 5am saying he was having a panic attack and needed me. Thankfully I was asleep and didn't know he had been here. He later said he was having a panic attack but also looking for signs of this man I'm supposed to be seeing. He checks when I'm last online etc.

Last night I thought he was FaceTiming DS but it was actually to check there was no one here. I had to walk around my mums house to prove I was on my own in the house with my dcs. My mum was out.

He says he is ill. He is mentally unwell - I know that but says I should be supporting him through his illness.

This morning he told me he was going on tinder to find someone else. Now he's apologising. Tomorrow he will probably be angry at me. I haven't spoken to him today. His mum has wanted to me to call her, no doubt making excuses for him (she won't admit she played any part in damaging him when he was a child) but I haven't and won't.

I have been grey rock as much as I feel I can. I've been very cold towards him however I still feel he has this massive control over me. I'm hoping in time it will fade.

Not sure what the point of this thread is. Im not asking anything. Im just hurting. I always knew he didn't treat me properly but I loved him all the same. Still do in a way but I won't be going back. He has shown his true colours to a lot of people now.

Just fed up. Had my booster covid jab yesterday too and feel a bit crappy from it. It's all just taken it's toll on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
kelseypops · 12/12/2021 21:11

6 weeks now since I left....

This week I've taken all my belongings from the family home and the cat, applied for housing, removed my name off the bills (just one left which is taking forever for me to get through too) and given my house key back.

Today I've been wobbly as I had to see him. First time in over a week. He took DS back to the house where his other dcs were. There was no time arranged for DS to come back to me, I thought DS would have a great time seeing his brother and sister (my step children) but after a couple of hours I got a call to ask where I was and could I collect DS up. H was struggling and finding it all too hard. I had actually taken my older 2 dcs out for lunch and he called while I was in the restaurant. H said i needed to collect DS right away so soon as we had finished our lunch, I went to collect him. It ruined our lunch with the dcs really as my mood dropped.

Collected DS but then dss wanted to play with my dcs (they are very close). H started going on about how we needed to sort things out, in front of the dcs. He then went onto to say if I wasn't going to take him back, he was going to 'turn' on me just like I have done him - I'm just grey rocking him.

I refused to talk to him and stood my ground. I ended up taking dss back to my mums house so they could play away from H.

H collected dss later and left without saying anything.

Dsd (my step daughter, she's 16 and we are very close) contacted me to say she's on my side and she hates what her dad is doing to me. I didn't say much but I appreciated the call - I will never speak badly about her dad to her.

Sorry this is all me rambling, it's been a busy weekend and I'm proud of how far I have come.

I'm still grey rock as much as I can be. He just hates it, I thought he would of given up by now.

I'm still doing it, I just have wobbly days

OP posts:
EnigmaCat · 12/12/2021 23:53

Only just caught up with this thread.
It sounds like you're doing great, the odd wobbly day doesn't take away from that.

Original poster
kelseypops · 13/12/2021 08:21

@EnigmaCat

Only just caught up with this thread. It sounds like you're doing great, the odd wobbly day doesn't take away from that.
Thanks...I know that too. I won't be going back to him but the thought does pass my mind on my wobbly days. I always used to find reasons to excuse his behaviour (probably because it way of not admitting to myself that I married an absolute dickhead) and on the wobbly days I can do that.

He says he's having a nervous breakdown and then go had told him.... so my head is trying to use that to excuse everything he's done.

OP posts:
Happy1982ish · 13/12/2021 08:22

* I had to walk around my mums house to prove I was on my own in the house with my dcs. My mum was out. *

And if you’d refused to?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 13/12/2021 08:28

Not a judgment but is he mentally stable enough to have ds unsupervised? Given his threats of suicide etc I would be wary.

Original poster
kelseypops · 13/12/2021 08:46

@Happy1982ish

* I had to walk around my mums house to prove I was on my own in the house with my dcs. My mum was out. *

And if you’d refused to?

I never refused so I don't know. If I refused then it would of looked like I had someone here I suppose.
OP posts:
Original poster
kelseypops · 13/12/2021 08:49

@Santahatesbraisedcabbage

Not a judgment but is he mentally stable enough to have ds unsupervised? Given his threats of suicide etc I would be wary.
He only has my DS for a few hours - that's all he can manage regardless of his mental health.

It's really hard because he's clever....yet he also lost his dad to suicide so I don't know where his head is at. He could easliy - and probably already has - use his declining mental health to try get me back. Or he could actually be really struggling.

My guess is a bit of both.

He won't have his dcs now until Boxing Day so a lot can happen in that time and hopefully he will have his family around him for Xmas

OP posts:
Happy1982ish · 13/12/2021 09:31

Who cares what it would have looked like
You’re not with him
It’s your home
You could have had 6 men there pleasuring you
Your home. Your business

Original poster
kelseypops · 13/12/2021 10:03

@Happy1982ish

Who cares what it would have looked like You’re not with him It’s your home You could have had 6 men there pleasuring you Your home. Your business
I know, he just has this control over me even now. I don't know why - I proud of how far I have come but it's still the control that's the problem. Doesn't help that I am a complete people pleaser too, even when it comes to him
OP posts:
GoGoGretaDoll · 13/12/2021 13:42

My best friend lost her mum to suicide.

She's not a controlling dickhead though.

It's all excuses OP. Stay clear sighted. You are doing so well.

EnigmaCat · 13/12/2021 14:05

Whether he's having a nervous breakdown*, depression or not, it won't magically disappear if you return to him and as I'm sure you're aware, you aren't responsible.
If anything, this is his chance to deal with some of his personal issues. Papering over the cracks with relationships doesn't work.

*not sure what the modern term for it is.

Original poster
kelseypops · 13/12/2021 18:16

Oh yes I can see right through it all. I can think back to times before the breakdown where his behaviour was awful and controlling.

He would say all the time 'aren't you glad you have a husband like me who works hard/can build and fox things/who doesn't cheat on you/who doesn't hit you'

He would expect me to say 'oh yes I'm so thankful and grateful for you' even though he never ever had my back, helped me around the house, with childcare etc.

He couldn't stand it when I was poorly, I had to be more poorly than me. More tired than me, had a harder day than me.

He rarely hugged me if I cried. When I told him I had a serious decline in my own mental health, he told me he couldn't be arsed with it.

Narcissistic behaviour was all over our marriage, I'm only just seeing the true extent of it now

OP posts:
Original poster
kelseypops · 13/12/2021 22:52

When am I going to be free of this man.

I need to sell our car as he still uses it to control me. I want a car that's nothing to do with him. It also has gone up in value so a profit would be made on it.

He took the log book. He's got it and won't give me it

OP posts:
Original poster
kelseypops · 13/12/2021 22:53

I know I can just order another one, I'll have to pay for it but I should have too. And he's got the spare car key too. All on purpose

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 14/12/2021 06:00

It's all a desperate attempt to control you. Please try and focus more on you. Enjoy the peaceful moments you have.

Your life is going to be so much better without him in it.

He will move on eventually, keep up the grey rock, it takes time.

You are doing brilliantly.

JSL52 · 14/12/2021 06:57

@kelseypops

When am I going to be free of this man.

I need to sell our car as he still uses it to control me. I want a car that's nothing to do with him. It also has gone up in value so a profit would be made on it.

He took the log book. He's got it and won't give me it

Get your post redirected. You can order a replacement on line , it will go to the registered address. Or can you go round while he's at work and get it ? Would that be safe ?
Duxiejhrhrvjz · 14/12/2021 07:22

@kelseypops

Thank you all. I know what I have to do and I have been doing it - just slowly. It's just so very hard when you have been controlled by someone for so long.

I have taken steps to my new life.

I've got my own bank account, switched to universal credit, sorted the savings, having private counselling, got myself on meds. I've decided we are going to sell our car it would be a way he could continue controlling me by asking if he could use it. Surprisingly it's actually worth more than we paid for it so it will be sold and I'll get myself a nice car that's just mine! Knowing he can't ask to use it etc. I just need to find the right car for me first.

He admitted in a later message he said he was going back on tinder as a way to get a response from me. It didn't work and I haven't responded.

The issue is, I wanted him to have counselling for years but it was always no. Now I've left, he's admitted he needs it (probably as a way to get me back) and has started sessions.

It's just come back to bite me in the bum as was saying he's a 'victim of suicide' and that's an excuse for his behaviour. He has extreme anxiety and that's the reason why he has paranoia. He's ill and I should be able to see that and see him through it blah blah blah

I wish you could quote only parts of the PP on Mumsnet. Is there a way to do that?

My controlling ex also went to counselling and then used it as a way to carry on the mind games, ie, “councillor said you were wrong” “councillor said this is my excuse” “councillor said this was normal”.

Of course a councillor wouldn’t say it was okay for him to use his paranoia to control you.

The councillor may appear sympathetic and try to give him tools to help combat it.

He won’t hear that part though as he’s not interested in that part.

Take anything you hear through him of what councillor/his mum/anyone said with a pinch of salt. It’s almost always going to be untrue or twisted to manipulate you.

Original poster
kelseypops · 14/12/2021 09:08

@JSL52 he took my house key off me so I can't get in.

I'll have to get my mail redirected first and then apply for a new log book I think. I need to get my mail redirected anyway though

OP posts:
Original poster
kelseypops · 14/12/2021 09:11

@Duxiejhrhrvjz thank you. Today I've had apology messages - last night he said all sorts of hurtful things.

Today I'm getting messages that he's having a mental breakdown, he's sorry but I should be there for him. He can't help any of it and I should know it's not the 'real' him talking. I've also made him this way by leaving him.

He then said he was going to kill himself so I sent his mum a message.

It's all so very draining

OP posts:
GoGoGretaDoll · 14/12/2021 09:21

Every time you get a 'I'm going to hurt myself' message, phone the police and ask them to do a welfare check. Every single time.

Way up thread I suggested you get a burner phone for him. One phone that only he has the number for. Switch it off and only switch it on once a day to check/send messages about childcare. The rest of the time, it's off and in a drawer.

Original poster
kelseypops · 14/12/2021 09:29

@GoGoGretaDoll

Every time you get a 'I'm going to hurt myself' message, phone the police and ask them to do a welfare check. Every single time.

Way up thread I suggested you get a burner phone for him. One phone that only he has the number for. Switch it off and only switch it on once a day to check/send messages about childcare. The rest of the time, it's off and in a drawer.

Yeah I could get a number and tell him I've got a new phone - he won't fall for it though and I'd probably just get more grief.

Unless I get a new number for everyone else.

I have switched the message notifications off on my phone - I don't actually read his messages when they come in, just when I'm ready too.

I will call 101 today anyway and let them know about all this. Should do done it ages ago but I've been so busy with everything else.

OP posts:
JSL52 · 14/12/2021 09:34

[quote kelseypops]@JSL52 he took my house key off me so I can't get in.

I'll have to get my mail redirected first and then apply for a new log book I think. I need to get my mail redirected anyway though[/quote]
I hope you can get it sorted.

billy1966 · 14/12/2021 09:37

Hebis a desperate man, trying to get you back under his control.

He knows that you have become stronger and see him for the loser he is.

Please ring 101 and report his suicide threats.

He is NOT your responsibility.

Show him how you have detached.
His suicide is his business, his family's the police.
Not you.

Tell 101 that you have left years of domestic abuse and you are afraid of him.

Give the police the information they need to do THEIR job.

This is NOT on you.

Flowers
Thegreencup · 14/12/2021 09:48

Just read all of your updates.

Definitely get a new number/email for everyone else and leave him with your old details. Then turn that phone off except for when he needs to have his pre-arranged contact with DS.

Have set times and days he will phone DS and do not deviate from those times.

Thegreencup · 14/12/2021 09:49

If you have a relative to facilitate contact with DS, do pass to over to them too.