Page 2 | I'm 5 weeks down from leaving my controlling husband but still need a hand hold x

kelseypops · 2021-12-05T16:59:39+00:00

I'm 5 weeks down. I should be proud of myself. I have backstory on previous thread - he's cohercive controlled me according to my counsellor and has narc tendencies. Lost his dad to suicide. He was abusive. Very damaged childhood. The last couple of weeks he's been convinced I have been seeing/messaging someone else. I'm staying at my mums. I'm not doing anything. He's messaged my friends to ask them if they know anything. He turned up at my mums at 5am saying he was having a panic attack and needed me. Thankfully I was asleep and didn't know he had been here. He later said he was having a panic attack but also looking for signs of this man I'm supposed to be seeing. He checks when I'm last online etc. Last night I thought he was FaceTiming DS but it was actually to check there was no one here. I had to walk around my mums house to prove I was on my own in the house with my dcs. My mum was out. He says he is ill. He is mentally unwell - I know that but says I should be supporting him through his illness. This morning he told me he was going on tinder to find someone else. Now he's apologising. Tomorrow he will probably be angry at me. I haven't spoken to him today. His mum has wanted to me to call her, no doubt making excuses for him (she won't admit she played any part in damaging him when he was a child) but I haven't and won't. I have been grey rock as much as I feel I can. I've been very cold towards him however I still feel he has this massive control over me. I'm hoping in time it will fade. Not sure what the point of this thread is. Im not asking anything. Im just hurting. I always knew he didn't treat me properly but I loved him all the same. Still do in a way but I won't be going back. He has shown his true colours to a lot of people now. Just fed up. Had my booster covid jab yesterday too and feel a bit crappy from it. It's all just taken it's toll on me.

SortingItOut · 06/12/2021 12:02

If you are not ready to block him could you switch off only his message notifications and only check them once a day at a time that suits you?

Its easy to turn off message notifications - which one does he use to message you?

Original poster

kelseypops · 06/12/2021 17:18

I have turned my message notifications off. I did that a while ago.

I've been advised to speak to the police already but things have calmed down. I know I need too though. More and more people are becoming aware of what he's like which in return is doing me a huge favour

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EarthSight · 06/12/2021 19:08

You should tell the police and make them aware of his behaviour. He could well be going through some kind of paranoia illness but it doesn't mean you should be a prisoner to it as well. Are the kids seeing him? I wouldn't feel safe being around him in his current state.

Starlightstarbright1 · 06/12/2021 19:27

You are doing well.

I ended up in a refuge.. my Hv said that abusers do the minimum to get you back.

My ex tried all sorts of tactics, the angry, the remorseful, then he was going to give up weed ( reason he hadn't was he didn't before- he didn't want to )

I did the freedom program- made me realise how i allowed his abusive behaviour be excused by mh...

You sound you are understanding it.

Do report this stuff to the police even if no action at this point it will build up a picture if it esculates.

Original poster

kelseypops · 06/12/2021 21:13

@Starlightstarbright1

You are doing well.

I ended up in a refuge.. my Hv said that abusers do the minimum to get you back.

My ex tried all sorts of tactics, the angry, the remorseful, then he was going to give up weed ( reason he hadn't was he didn't before- he didn't want to )

I did the freedom program- made me realise how i allowed his abusive behaviour be excused by mh...

You sound you are understanding it.

Do report this stuff to the police even if no action at this point it will build up a picture if it esculates.

Yes actually I realise that's a good point. It's defo worth letting them know. Today is the first day he's really left me alone but I know it's not over yet.

I'm expecting anger to come next.

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uhtredsonofuhtred1 · 06/12/2021 21:32

I'm 11 months out now and am still not fully free. He still thinks he has some say over my life and I've not been able to fully break free because I'm scared of taking the next step of official court action because he would then use his contact times with our young children to punish me. He only has 1 of the 2 children for 24 hours each week because our 5 year old daughter can see right through him and his lies.

My ex has gone through endless cycles of begging, promises to change, being extremely angry, going out clubbing and doing drugs, pleading etc etc etc. I just wish he'd find his next victim and leave me in peace

Noshowlomo · 06/12/2021 21:42

Holding your hand and passing you a large wine. You’re doing amazing OP x

Original poster

kelseypops · 06/12/2021 22:22

@uhtredsonofuhtred1

I'm 11 months out now and am still not fully free. He still thinks he has some say over my life and I've not been able to fully break free because I'm scared of taking the next step of official court action because he would then use his contact times with our young children to punish me. He only has 1 of the 2 children for 24 hours each week because our 5 year old daughter can see right through him and his lies.

My ex has gone through endless cycles of begging, promises to change, being extremely angry, going out clubbing and doing drugs, pleading etc etc etc. I just wish he'd find his next victim and leave me in peace

I'm so sorry - that's absolutely horrific.

I don't think exH would ever take me to court. He can't even do a food shop himself so very much doubt he could get a solicitor. Also a gambling addict. he would never be able to afford it. I always used to absolutely hate it but thinking about it, it might actually do me a favour in the future.

It won't be long until he finds his next victim. He can't be on his own so it's just a waiting game. It does make me feel a bit uneasy about him finding someone else. A but sad jn a way, don't know why. Really I know it will hopefully again do me a favour in the long run

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Original poster

kelseypops · 06/12/2021 22:22

@Noshowlomo

Holding your hand and passing you a large wine. You’re doing amazing OP x

I've drank it - thank you x

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Original poster

kelseypops · 07/12/2021 22:29

Just to add to this story....

Today I found out he's been messaging another woman! He's given me so much crap over the past few weeks about how he's convinced I'm messaging other men and he's been found out he's been messaging an ex of his.

Then I've had messages off him saying it's all my fault because I left him.

He's absolutely awful. But surprisingly I don't feel sad that he's done it so I'm taking it all as a positive!

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SortingItOut · 08/12/2021 06:49

He was accusing you as he was doing it and was deflecting.
Same as people who cheat in relationships they always accuse the other person of stuff.

Try not to show any thoughts on this to him and continue to grey rock as much as possible.

Closetbeanmuncher · 08/12/2021 10:29

I had to walk around my mums house to prove I was on my own in

Don't do anything to entertain his accusations from now on. The first instinct is to defend yourself and protest your innocence but it only adds fuel to the fire, and reinforces his view that he's still in control. Complete grey rock from now on as you have been, no reaction to Anything.

It was like this with dcs dad when we split, but the only way I found to stop it was to completely disengage, and not to respond to any of it unless it was about DC. If you don't he will project, gaslight and manipulate you until the cows come home.

The hardest part is over, you and your son are physically free. Now there's just the mental freedom part to crack. Push on with grey rock, after the initial tirade of abuse, he will run out of steam fast. Trust me.

Good luck.

Original poster

kelseypops · 08/12/2021 12:23

Its been a scary morning but it had to be done. I have moved absolutely everything out of the house. And I've got the cat.

I never need to come back here. There are some bits of furniture that I would of liked but I can let them go.

Today has been a huge step to freedom. All I've been able to think about is my Childrens memory boxes I've made and my own. I've got it all out.. as well as the cat who I was coming back daily to feed. Again he could control me that way

I'm just expecting abuse from him for the rest of the day. He's at work so I've managed to do it in the easiest way possible.

It's going to make it so much easier to become grey rock now my stuff is all out.

Another step to freedom

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GoGoGretaDoll · 08/12/2021 12:26

That's amazing. Well done. What a giant leap forward.

There will be a backlash from that though. Turn off your phone when he's due back from work and make sure your parents are aware. If he turns up at the house and won't leave, don't hesitate to call the police.

HoardingSamphireSaurus · 08/12/2021 12:34

Congratulations. That must feel really freeing.

Original poster

kelseypops · 08/12/2021 13:39

@HoardingSamphireSaurus

Congratulations. That must feel really freeing.

It was. It feels like a huge weight has been lifted and I also feel absolutely exhausted. It's a brilliant feeling know I don't have to go back every day to feed to the cat. And I've got all my most important possessions with me.

It's scary as I have no idea where I am going to end up but I'm a step closer to whatever it is. Tomorrow I'm taking my name off all the bills. Friday I am applying for council housing. One day at a time.

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Original poster

kelseypops · 09/12/2021 18:21

Today I've removed my name off the bills at the house, registered for council housing - as much as I can.

Another productive day.

Then he wanted to FaceTime DS so I did but it was all really just a way of getting to me. I remained grey rock. He kept bringing up a miscarriage that I had which has really annoyed me as not once did he ever bring it up when we were together! He's been thinking of that baby apparently, which would of been born at Xmas - would have been a 4th birthday. He's never once brought it up before. I managed to remain strong and cried after.

He told me to 'follow my heart' and 'not listen to others' saying our marriage is worth fighting for.

Eurgh....i remained grey rock, told him he could see DS on Sunday - I would drop him off and leave. Made it clear I was not staying to chat.

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Original poster

kelseypops · 09/12/2021 18:25

@kelseypops

Today I've removed my name off the bills at the house, registered for council housing - as much as I can.

Another productive day.

Then he wanted to FaceTime DS so I did but it was all really just a way of getting to me. I remained grey rock. He kept bringing up a miscarriage that I had which has really annoyed me as not once did he ever bring it up when we were together! He's been thinking of that baby apparently, which would of been born at Xmas - would have been a 4th birthday. He's never once brought it up before. I managed to remain strong and cried after.

He told me to 'follow my heart' and 'not listen to others' saying our marriage is worth fighting for.

Eurgh....i remained grey rock, told him he could see DS on Sunday - I would drop him off and leave. Made it clear I was not staying to chat.

Also said he only messaged his ex to see if he could do it

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PennyPinkPineapple · 09/12/2021 18:31

You are doing so so well. I haven't read the full thread but your OP sounded like my ex minus the DC. He was a narcissistic abusive cunt. Grey rock is the only way to deal with it xxx

momtoboys · 09/12/2021 18:35

You are handling this all so well. Very impressive. So strong and clear.

Original poster

kelseypops · 09/12/2021 18:57

Thank you x

Whenever I speak to him, I can feel myself crumbling inside. It must be his voice as it's not really his words. I can sometimes see myself understanding it from his point of view but it doesn't last long.

He had a gp appointment this morning and apparently they said all of this has been a nervous breakdown. He's blaming all his actions on his mental health - anxiety and that he's a suicide victim.

He's also told me to not get angry at him when he moves on.

The only reason he wants me back so much is because he can't be on his own. Ever since I left, he's been talking about finding someone else. My eyes are wide open to all of it and it can predict what will happen next

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PennyPinkPineapple · 09/12/2021 19:10

@kelseypops

Thank you x

Whenever I speak to him, I can feel myself crumbling inside. It must be his voice as it's not really his words. I can sometimes see myself understanding it from his point of view but it doesn't last long.

He had a gp appointment this morning and apparently they said all of this has been a nervous breakdown. He's blaming all his actions on his mental health - anxiety and that he's a suicide victim.

He's also told me to not get angry at him when he moves on.

The only reason he wants me back so much is because he can't be on his own. Ever since I left, he's been talking about finding someone else. My eyes are wide open to all of it and it can predict what will happen next

Yes, very convenient.

It's threatening behaviour which you just need to ignore. I hope you've got a good support network and plenty of distractions. I can't emphasise how well I think you are doing, it must be so hard x

SpanielsAreMyLife · 09/12/2021 19:14

Change your phone number and only use the one he has at set times ie agreed facetiming. And find a shared calendar online so you can enter things like "DS has the dentist at 3pm" so he can't accuse you of not informing him. And you can put the phone contact times.

You're still engaging far too much with him. When he facetimes, only your DC need to be in shot..... stand where he can't see you and ignore all attempts at conversing with you. Be strong, you can do this and it can only get better. He's not angry he's lost you both, he's angry he's lost his power.

Original poster

kelseypops · 09/12/2021 19:22

@SpanielsAreMyLife

Change your phone number and only use the one he has at set times ie agreed facetiming. And find a shared calendar online so you can enter things like "DS has the dentist at 3pm" so he can't accuse you of not informing him. And you can put the phone contact times.

You're still engaging far too much with him. When he facetimes, only your DC need to be in shot..... stand where he can't see you and ignore all attempts at conversing with you. Be strong, you can do this and it can only get better. He's not angry he's lost you both, he's angry he's lost his power.

DS is only 3 so it's tricky but I think I'll ask my mum to take the call from now on. He kept asking me to put my phone onto me to see me but I said no and was firm.

DS wasn't actually that interested that he was on the phone which I don't blame him really.

He's on a work night out tonight and honestly think he needed me to tell him that there's no going back for me which then tonight means he can do as he pleases without him being in the wrong....or something like that.

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billy1966 · 09/12/2021 23:23

OP,

You are amazing.
What progress you have made and how incredibly brave you have been.

Be so proud of yourself 👏👏👏
Keep posting.