Could you completely disregard a potential BF / partner's low financial status?

[CatAndHisKit]

I just wonder whether most women are like me and can not ignore (and in my case afford to) go into an LTR where partner contrubutes very little.
I actually wouldn;t have minded if I was well-off myself, but my situation is, I own a small house outright (I live in an inexpensive but 'ok' area) but my income is sporadic / often low due to being self employed.

I'm looking for an LTR as I 'm strruggling a bit being single for so long and hafing no emotional and practical support from a partner, but I'm also quite fussy as to who I like. Theoretically I'd like a situation where partner/husband lives in my house but earn well, or where we'd pull resources and buy a bigger house etc. I would not normally consider anything else as I just can't afford a better lifestyle on my own and part of the pull of having an LTR is that I dont have to rely on myself solely (I support my parent too).

Well lo and behold I've made friends with a man quite a bit older than me but he's retired early and doesnt own a house, lives with family in a council house. He is divorced for sure. I'd normally not date someone like that (though age gap alone is not an issue at all) - BUT he is genuinely very nice, we have a great connection, and he seriously likes me / is in love by the looks of it. It sort of just happened that we became friends but he wans more and I feel drawn to him. We haven't officially dated or kissed as I don't want to be impulsive. He says he is a very loving man and would be very supportive emotionally - and I can see that.
But - I've never gone for this in the past, it's just after being single for a long while it's hard to resist that warm carig attitude he's showing. Im being a bit bitchy for telling him I sort of expect contribution. Soundsa reallt silly but maybe most people normally go for the feelings and ignore the rest? I think I could just stay friends with him but he wants more so probably won't work, and also I have started missing him when we don't meet for a while so I'm not immune emotionally.
Sorry for therambling post!

Just let the guy down gently and leave him to realise he’s had a very lucky escape.

🙄

You can’t take it with you though OP, so I’m going to have to say so long as neither of you are desperately hard up why exclude the possibility of happiness with someone decent?

No, that's not something I look for. It's nice if it's there but it's not on the list of essentials for me.

Just read your last paragraph. You sound a bit like you want to use him rather than have a relationship with him. That's really not a good thing.

I don't want to use him - for a long while I feel I'm reallu missing that soulmate type relationship. He would not be offering all the emotional support if we just stayed friends, he said he will if we are together - I just can see that he is capable of it.
Pretty hard up - he is n state pension and lives free in ex wife's council house AND is much older than me which means he can't earn anything. Potentially I don't mind being a carer for someone I like / love (too eraly to discuss love) but I couldn;t afford to support someone financially as I'm not eraning much and I'm the sole supporter of my parent financially. I was trying to say. I'd like a man who helps out practically and ideally financially (on equal basis) and we also love each other, but there is no one else o the horizon at currently.
My ex H was well-off but not emotionally supportive even if not a bad person - so this would be a complet turnaround but a bit extreme.

sorry for typos.

You need to know what you're priorities are. For me I needed an equal financially. I earn about a 6th more than him but with taxes we bring home similar amounts. I've been with those who had less and those who had more. It was important to me to find an equal. I adieu didn't want children (that wobbled a bit as quite unexpectedly my hormones got the better of me for a couple of years!), didn't want a drinker or a smoker, wanted a vegetarian and an atheist. Think about what you want.

WeTattie you may well be right - I thougt that myself but I find that he's drawn me in and I'd be sad to stop the friendship / not see him. I just so wish we wre at same stage in life (I'm still active ad he's not) or at least he was not on such a low income. I love his personality.

Thanks, dudsville I thought I knew what I wanted, I tend to think a lot in these situations, but I'm questioning whether I'm wrong and shoiuld be more 'go wth a flow', normally I'm like you and know what I'm afetr - the proble is I haen't found anyone that fits both financial and emotional criteria in one person. I would definitely not go fr finance over emotional, and I thought not the other way round either, but what if I never find both. Have you found a partner who fits all your criteria?

@CatAndHisKit

I don't want to use him - for a long while I feel I'm reallu missing that soulmate type relationship. He would not be offering all the emotional support if we just stayed friends, he said he will if we are together - I just can see that he is capable of it. Pretty hard up - he is n state pension and lives free in ex wife's council house AND is much older than me which means he can't earn anything. Potentially I don't mind being a carer for someone I like / love (too eraly to discuss love) but I couldn;t afford to support someone financially as I'm not eraning much and I'm the sole supporter of my parent financially. I was trying to say. I'd like a man who helps out practically and ideally financially (on equal basis) and we also love each other, but there is no one else o the horizon at currently. My ex H was well-off but not emotionally supportive even if not a bad person - so this would be a complet turnaround but a bit extreme.

Look - I think you are wise to think this through. He may well be a very nice person willing to devot himself to you. However, as many a good Blues song will tell you, financial contribution is important. It is allowed you know, to expect someone to pull their weight in that department. If this man is quite a bit older, retired, on a state pension, and cannot even afford to rent his own home then I truly think it is a bad idea.

@hahahawhatchalaughinat

Just read your last paragraph. You sound a bit like you want to use him rather than have a relationship with him. That's really not a good thing.

Not to me she doesn't. She sounds like a woman who is ready for a relationship but who is being smart and wise.

I’m happy enough with the decent lifestyle my own income affords me, so I wouldn’t be looking specifically for somebody whose money would be able to give me a bigger house or whatever. I think that we’re all responsible for steering our own ship in that regard - if you desire a bigger house and a more regular income than you currently have then it’s up to you to make work and financial choices to get that.

I think it’s important to have a similar attitude towards work and similar values when it comes to money: I wouldn’t date somebody who had very little money because they didn’t want to work more than part time, or somebody who spent money they didn’t have; but I don’t have a problem with somebody whose career just doesn’t happen to pay as well as mine does.

When I met my late DP he had a very interesting but not hugely well paid job. I earned more - possibly he could have earned more than me at some point but he worked in a field that was more of a 'vocation' - and I loved him for it. But we were lucky - our joint income was fine and that was what mattered. I do appreciate that we were lucky.
Then he fell ill and he wasn't able to work and he ended up on a long term disability benefit. He was a fighter though and wanted to get back to work - whether he would have ever got back to earning anything significant I don't know. But I loved him for trying.
So I became the sole breadwinner/ earner - totally unexpected but I have never resented this. I loved him - still do.
And then he died - I wish he was still here and I would take on the supporting of us all (we have two children) again in a heartbeat.
Sorry for the outpouring OP but I think I am saying that it feels like a really bad idea to judge a relationship primarily on how much a person brings financially. And, even if someone is attractively solvent, that can so easily change....

CanIPlease thank you, you've put it very succintly that devotin alone may not be enough (obviously no proof that he will be devoted, he's just in that mindset currently). But you aer too flattering in the second post - I don't feel very smart right now, I'm confused, thining I might be normally too much of a thinker for my own good.
I think some people aer good at charming you - he did mention he had a number of relationsships and then wife accepted him back - so he must hae simething going for him, I imagine many women have a soft spot for these soulful charning characters.

@CatAndHisKit

Thanks, dudsville I thought I knew what I wanted, I tend to think a lot in these situations, but I'm questioning whether I'm wrong and shoiuld be more 'go wth a flow', normally I'm like you and know what I'm afetr - the proble is I haen't found anyone that fits both financial and emotional criteria in one person. I would definitely not go fr finance over emotional, and I thought not the other way round either, but what if I never find both. Have you found a partner who fits all your criteria?

My criteria were for a man who is emotionally honest, confident in his skin, not a game player, a hard worker, and good moral character. We were at the same level financially.

Many moons ago I had a long relationship with another guy who was all of the above but not a hard worker. In the end it broke up the relationship. He was happy enough living hand to mouth but we could not do anything together unless I paid. But he was easy to live with.

I would want someone who could afford the odd meal out/takeaway, trip to cinema, maybe a show or concert etc. If I wanted to live with someone, I'd defo expect them to be in a position to pay bills, even if it meant waiting for them to have a job.

Someone with a lot more money than me, wouldn't suit either, I couldn't afford regular weekends away etc, and wouldn't feel comfortable having someone pay for me either.

I think its easier when finances are equal.

I think people do need to be pragmatic about what they need in a potential partner. A simple romantic pairing where you maintain separate lives? A marriage where you raise children together and plan for your golden years? An older in life relationship where you want a companion, but each want to protect any inheritance for your children? It’s not just about finding someone you connect with emotionally, you have to find someone with a compatible life plan.

So from one perspective, you can frame this simply and make it about money. From another, you can ask, what life plans do each of you have for the next 10 or 20 years and are you on the same path?

Thiswontendwell I totally understand that once you hae build a relationship and it lasted then of course you would support your partner - but in your case you haven't started on hugely different level and then you wer able to afford to support the family by yourself plus benefits. You couldnt have predicted this. It's differet when yo uaer considering starting something when you know for sure the limitations - mostly dueto his age. But it's great that you did haev that genuine love in your life, so sorry he's gone.

Comtesse as it is I can't see myself earning much more - as I mentioned I wouldn;t mind someone who contrributes the same (either has a house or earns more but no house), rather than specifically looking for a bigger house, I just want to know I'm not the sole partner responsile for finance (well apart from smal lpension in his case).
Anyway the more I read and write, the more i think it's just not realistic - I will try to preserve the friendship if he accepts that, but meet less so that I don't get too attached. Not easy to find the right person in middle age, is it?

In your situation it would be the age gap that would give me more reason to end it. The chances of you being his carer are too high

Many moons ago I had a long relationship with another guy who was all of the above but not a hard worker. In the end it broke up the relationship. He was happy enough living hand to mouth but we could not do anything together unless I paid. But he was easy to live with.
Yep, that's exactly how it would be with him, I imagine.

I'm OK financially. I rent my home and have a good job. For a ltr though, I would need someone financially stable. My exh wasn't great and we struggled. I don't want that life again.
The new man may be lovely but all I can think of is those stories of woman being taken advantage of by men who take all their money while presenting a perfect image. The relationship needs to be at least 40/60 and you have all the stuff he needs. House/job/financial security and he doesn't. He'd use you.

Driting that's the issue, we are at different stages, i'm still active and striving for something and trael around a bi for work - he's just settled in his simple life and has his adult DC around etc so he's not lonely but obviously still likes the idea of a romantic life. But he lived like that for many years, Ive been opposite - too independent maybe, moral support from a few friends and my mum, but totally different life style in terms of trying to achieve something. Unfortumately whe I dated successful men, I haen't found that emotional support. I just suspect it's either or, so I'm nt after the activelly well-off, just aerage would be more than enough.

I think it would be attitude to money, rather than how much he earns.

You say he has retired early and lives with family in a council house, and lives of his state pension. Why has he retired early? Why can’t he earn anything if he has retired early? Plenty of older people have jobs, whether full time or part time.

He also only has his state pension. You say he lives in he house free, so how is his attitude to money? Does he treat you or pay his way? Does he expect you to pay everything?

Can I be a bit presumptuous. Is he looking for a free meal ticket? You have a house and, being self employed, may look more affluent than you are.

Rainbow yes, and again being a carer in say, 10 yrs is maybe fine if he wasn't so low-income - as it is it would be just me and maybe his DC helping out. But say if I lost income due to health (you never know) he wouldn't be able to support both even for modest life.