Could you completely disregard a potential BF / partner's low financial status?

[CatAndHisKit]

I just wonder whether most women are like me and can not ignore (and in my case afford to) go into an LTR where partner contrubutes very little.
I actually wouldn;t have minded if I was well-off myself, but my situation is, I own a small house outright (I live in an inexpensive but 'ok' area) but my income is sporadic / often low due to being self employed.

I'm looking for an LTR as I 'm strruggling a bit being single for so long and hafing no emotional and practical support from a partner, but I'm also quite fussy as to who I like. Theoretically I'd like a situation where partner/husband lives in my house but earn well, or where we'd pull resources and buy a bigger house etc. I would not normally consider anything else as I just can't afford a better lifestyle on my own and part of the pull of having an LTR is that I dont have to rely on myself solely (I support my parent too).

Well lo and behold I've made friends with a man quite a bit older than me but he's retired early and doesnt own a house, lives with family in a council house. He is divorced for sure. I'd normally not date someone like that (though age gap alone is not an issue at all) - BUT he is genuinely very nice, we have a great connection, and he seriously likes me / is in love by the looks of it. It sort of just happened that we became friends but he wans more and I feel drawn to him. We haven't officially dated or kissed as I don't want to be impulsive. He says he is a very loving man and would be very supportive emotionally - and I can see that.
But - I've never gone for this in the past, it's just after being single for a long while it's hard to resist that warm carig attitude he's showing. Im being a bit bitchy for telling him I sort of expect contribution. Soundsa reallt silly but maybe most people normally go for the feelings and ignore the rest? I think I could just stay friends with him but he wants more so probably won't work, and also I have started missing him when we don't meet for a while so I'm not immune emotionally.
Sorry for therambling post!

No I would not even entertain this. You may not be wealthy but you are the complete package for him. He will move in and you will not be able to do anything that costs money because you cannot afford to pay for him as well.

I'm independent and do not expect a man to pay for me but I do expect him to pay for himself.

It is really slim pickings as we get older but you are better off alone than with him.

I mean of course he would be emotionally supportive - he seems to be a cocklodger who isn’t even offering cock - hugs is all he’s got.
I'm rolling around laughing here!
Yes I think it's a temporary madness - what with covid years where I didn't meet anyone and travelled very little (usually do) and didn't boter with online dating, I also had a very stressful year with the house sale, a nightmare at some point. So a kind soul comes along and we do get on very well, humour and stuff, and I feel like I'm sliding into something. Grateful for this thread. Will respond to other posts later.

Crimeismymiddlename yes you are probably right. He strangely decided that if I like him I m also physically attarcted - and as I say I enhoy the hugs and would haev fancied him in his younger years but he just comes across as an old man to look at (even though nowhere near frail). I'm going away for a month over holidays staying with a relative (not too far) and I hope I won't be drawn to him when I'm back. But ieven if I do wat to chat, I will be much firmer that it's friendship only - after hopefully socialising a bit more elsewhere.

I think it’s important your partner can pull his weight financially.
It might all seem rosey at the start but once you’re living together, resentments might surface at the inequality and that can kill a relationship.

He's not the type you'd normally go out with.
I don't think you should settle and not go for what you really want.

I suspect he's looking for a nurse with a purse. What a great deal for him. You, not so much.

I could have pleasant warm conversations with people in a coffee shop and cuddles with a pet.

Don't let yourself be swayed by someone who has nothing to offer other than a few kind words because you're lonely.

nurse with a purse is a phrase I'd never heard of until I came on Mumsnet. But it's SO descriptive and clear what's being required... 🌹

Would it be better to put your time & effort into being more financially stable for yourself first ?

You say that your self employment is sporadic & that you are supporting a parent

Can you get a second job/permanent job?
Can you rent out a spare room ?
Do you pay into a private pension ?

Secondly
What seems to be missing from your friendship is FUN !
Just because you date someone, it doesn't mean that they have to move in

Op - just skimmed through your thread.
Please, please find some other men to date and have fun with.
I know you are lonely, but this is all too desperate and bad.
You can do much better than a man 20years your senior who needs you to provide him with housing and pay for most things nice.
‘Emotional support’ isn’t enough of a contribution to your life with that setup.
Really

I don't disagree with the specific advice pertaining to the specific man OP's considering, but I wonder what the advice would have been had a high-earning (or even medium-earning) woman been asking about dating a self-employed man whose income was sporadic/low.

I sort of agree, but some people are happy with their simple lives on low income, no stress of building a serioous career, having caring DC nearby and leading a life with some interests. He did hae a colourful romantic history.

That just makes it worse though! I am not talking about a serious career or amount in the bank balance. A simple life is fine. Ie. a very very small studio and no luxuries etc. I am talking about him having to sofa surf at his ex wifes house. As in - if she didnt do this he would be homeless and a burden to his children who would step in to house him.

Its a bit like the apply your oxygen before helping others on a plane. You cant care for anyone, if you cant care for yourself.

He hasnt cared for himself so I wonder how much care he has given to others throughout his life. And thats what I mean about wondering about his character. He has given no thought to providing any stability for himself, and resigned himself to it always being someones else problem.

Not a partner I would want.

@gannett

I don't disagree with the specific advice pertaining to the specific man OP's considering, but I wonder what the advice would have been had a high-earning (or even medium-earning) woman been asking about dating a self-employed man whose income was sporadic/low.

It depends - is this self employed low-earner somebody the high flying woman isn’t dating and doesn’t actually find attractive, who has just announced he’s moving in with her and she’ll have to pay for everything, forever, oh and provide nursing care when he needs it? Because he says nobody else will ever look at her anyway, and she’ll die old and lonely if she turns him down?

In those circumstances I’d say the same I think. Run.

Literally nothing about this prospect sounds appealing to me.

@Nasturs

You must be feeling pretty low to be even considering it. This seemed really odd to me He says he is a very loving man and would be very supportive emotionally I would be raising a massive eyebrow here - who the hell talks about themselves like that? Plus, I mean of course he would be emotionally supportive - he seems to be a cocklodger who isn’t even offering cock - hugs is all he’s got.

he seems to be a cocklodger who isn’t even offering cock - hugs is all he’s got

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 best thing I've read in ages 1

@episcomama

I would question the choices of someone who had "retired early" who was dependent on his ex-wife for his living accommodation. So he's essentially unemployed, not looking for work and living on benefits? That would be a dealbreaker for me, I'm afraid.

This.

OP, you are being very sensible.

You cannot afford to carry a partner financially.

There is zero point pursuing a relationship with him.

@CatAndHisKit

To those who asked. I'm nearly 20yrs younger, but as he pointed out I'm not a youngester. 'If you were 20 then that would be an unreasonable difference' he says, 'but you are not' - quite, I do realis that the older you get the more blurred the age gap becomes, haha.

"I do realise that the older you get the more blurred the age gap becomes, haha".

NO NO NO! The older you get, the GREATER is the age gap! Wait until you hit menopause and are trying to take care of a sick parent and this 75 year old charmer who is already inactive with long term health problem.

He is telling you you ''aren't a youngster'' to drag you down into accepting a relationship with a sick destitute pensioner, old enough to be your father, who is living in a council house in which he isn't even the legal tenant!

If he is on State pension he must be at least 65 so you are about 45? That is YOUNG - you have your life ahead. Come on OP, get a grip on yourself. Whatever this ''emotional support'' is you are seeking (I don't even know what this means - it's just words). He has literally nothing to offer you except charm, and you have everything to lose - everything.
Set your sights higher and make yourself the sort of prospect that a wonderful, together man would gravitate towards!

Pascal, no I'm just over 50 and feeling it - I'm still 'fit' but my energy and heath not what they were. Hence I'm not after some enegetic rich man, and ossibly feeling less confident due o the above generally - but yes, I can aim a bit higher than that - he just seems a caring type and is very compimentary. Possibly he knows what he's doing (can see my vulnerability) - or may genuinely be taken by someone younger and nice, and nice toards him. But you are right in the rest of your post.

Agree with @Pascal80

Unfortunately you’ll never know if he is genuine or manipulative but there are so many other good guys out there who can offer you what you are looking for while being able to support themselves.

He doesn’t sound like a ‘kind soul’ at all, eg history of cheating, dependency on his ex wife for housing, not paying his way, interested in your home and his suggestion that being nice to you (which should be normal in friendship and of course sexual relationships) is something amazing and a great ‘deal’ for you!

‘I hope I won't be drawn to him when I'm back’
Don’t be so passive! If you don’t want a relationship with him, decide not to and do other things / see other people with your time.

Completely agree witj @Pascal80.

Nearly 20 years older than you.

So definitely an old man looking for a nurse.

Are you out of your bloody mind considering him.

I'm older than you, why would you want to be a skivvy nurse for an old man.

Dear lord, give your head a wobble.

He is targeting you.

Unbelievable that you would consider this.

The more you write about this guy, the more I see the word PLAYER flashing.
This guy is someone who taps into what a person wants and then goes along ticking boxes.
His aim is to move in with you and make you work for his comfort. His ex wife hasn't kicked him out because his kids would be so upset at mummy kicking daddy out. I bet she will have a party when so other fool takes on her burden.

Being the sole breadwinner in a relationship can be stressful and there's a lot of responsibility. If you did get involved with him, I think you need to be clear about what you want. I'd not want someone like that looking at me and thinking they've hit the jackpot, nice house to move in, already being paid for etc etc. you might want to treat him as a companion (or fwb), emotional support and someone to spend time with etc, but not a full on relationship.

My mum died a few years ago and my dad now has a similar relationship with a woman. But they both have their own homes, retired on a good pension, go on holiday together, travel, meals out etc but have both been very clear that they don't want a full on relationship or to live together