Could you completely disregard a potential BF / partner's low financial status?

[CatAndHisKit]

I just wonder whether most women are like me and can not ignore (and in my case afford to) go into an LTR where partner contrubutes very little.
I actually wouldn;t have minded if I was well-off myself, but my situation is, I own a small house outright (I live in an inexpensive but 'ok' area) but my income is sporadic / often low due to being self employed.

I'm looking for an LTR as I 'm strruggling a bit being single for so long and hafing no emotional and practical support from a partner, but I'm also quite fussy as to who I like. Theoretically I'd like a situation where partner/husband lives in my house but earn well, or where we'd pull resources and buy a bigger house etc. I would not normally consider anything else as I just can't afford a better lifestyle on my own and part of the pull of having an LTR is that I dont have to rely on myself solely (I support my parent too).

Well lo and behold I've made friends with a man quite a bit older than me but he's retired early and doesnt own a house, lives with family in a council house. He is divorced for sure. I'd normally not date someone like that (though age gap alone is not an issue at all) - BUT he is genuinely very nice, we have a great connection, and he seriously likes me / is in love by the looks of it. It sort of just happened that we became friends but he wans more and I feel drawn to him. We haven't officially dated or kissed as I don't want to be impulsive. He says he is a very loving man and would be very supportive emotionally - and I can see that.
But - I've never gone for this in the past, it's just after being single for a long while it's hard to resist that warm carig attitude he's showing. Im being a bit bitchy for telling him I sort of expect contribution. Soundsa reallt silly but maybe most people normally go for the feelings and ignore the rest? I think I could just stay friends with him but he wants more so probably won't work, and also I have started missing him when we don't meet for a while so I'm not immune emotionally.
Sorry for therambling post!

*also likely to be

Lemon I sort of agree, but some people are happy with their simple lives on low income, no stress of building a serioous career, having caring DC nearby and leading a life with some interests. He did hae a colourful romantic history.
But this is not what my life has been about - I like to travel a bit for one, not just abroad, I like arts and culture. I had a successful husband previously but Im after a middle ground now, neither of the financial extremes. He's got a good taste in music but he' been in one place pretty much all his life. It's a matter of compatibility. I'm glad the thread is showing me not to be swayed by one aspet even though it's missing i nmy life.

Thanks rainydays you are right, it's what you can do together that matters and discrepency in shopping habits etc. I'm no shopaholic now but I like M&S food hall and a trip to places, and that's alien to him (he does cook to be fair but no fancy cooking there).

@thickthighs73

I’d rather be with someone because we get on great (and laugh a lot) have amazing sex and I fancy them to bits, rather than what’s in their bank account.

we do get on great, and that's my problem and what the thread is about. Sexually - no I can't say I can fancy a much older man a lot or expect amazing sex, but it's not as important to me as it used to be. He is a good hugger (that's as much as we've done as it's still a new thing, going for a coffee and chat, before then I've known him socially). He is still manly though - good strong arms, good height. But facially of course he looks very aged.

OP this sounds like an arrangement.

If he stoked your fire you wouldn't be even posting this.

Ah OP, 'he is a good hugger'.

Stop it.

Just because you need a good hug ( and dont we all) doesn't mean you need to go down this path

IAmGus haha yes it looks dreadfulon npaper - I wouldn;t believe it myself, but sometimes there is a connection on emotional/personality level - but really I do need to drop it or go back to more social occasional contact (he may not want that as he thinks more is possible/likely!).

theriver it really isn't - he's no material for any such 'arrangement', I don't need one, and if I wanted one he would not even feature. If he didn't affect me emotionally I wouldnt have needed to start the thread.

I wouldn’t be linking my finances with somebody much worse off than me - but then I have children so I probably wouldn’t link my finances with anyone else anyway, my money is for them.

Is there a reason you can’t date this man but keep your finances separate? If it is him pushing to have you support him, that would be a red flag for me, particularly when you mention he’s a bit of a charmer with lots of previous girlfriends.

@theriverrunsthrough

Ah OP, 'he is a good hugger'.

Stop it.

Just because you need a good hug ( and dont we all) doesn't mean you need to go down this path

Haha maybe that's just it. A good manly hug at that - if I met him when he was younger I'm sure I'd fancy him a lot!

Change I want to find an LTR and live together, or rather be single. He isn't pushing for support but would also want to live together (if it's offered to him, as obvs he can't invite anyone to live with him). as I said he's ok where he is but would be happy to move in with a new partner whom he has feelings for. No one is kicking him out of where he is , at all!

OP this is nuts. You’ve never gone further than hugging him, and don’t want to because he’s too old for you and you don’t fancy him, but he has suggested moving into your house and you supporting him financially/providing personal care for him, and you are seriously considering it?

Has he hypnotised you or something? You would be quite mad to move him in on a permanent basis before you’ve even slept together. You realise that even if you break up next week, he’ll be homeless and won’t move out?

You must be feeling pretty low to be even considering it. This seemed really odd to me He says he is a very loving man and would be very supportive emotionally I would be raising a massive eyebrow here - who the hell talks about themselves like that? Plus, I mean of course he would be emotionally supportive - he seems to be a cocklodger who isn’t even offering cock - hugs is all he’s got.

I don't like how he lives with ex wife. It's not someone who has fully committed to divorce IMO. How old is he that he couldn't have returned to part time work to enable him to move out and rent somewhere by himself? He'd get UC too if he's that broke. It doesn't add up. At the very least it says he doesn't respect himself. Who'd want to live with their ex?

I don't care about financial status. I'd prefer to be broke but miserable with the right person than better off but unhappy with the wrong person.

I think you're at different life stages. You're a go-getter by the sounds of it and if he's still living with ex wife then he isn't. It's off putting. I can't help thinking there's you with enough income and your own house and there's him needing a place to live.

Is he only recently divorced and does he have plans to move out (not into yours!)? I think that's what would make the difference for me. I'm not bothered about financial status but I like someone with a work ethic, fine to focus on hobbies or improving life if he's retired, but I could not be doing with someone who's happy to coast along in an unsuitable situation.

@CatAndHisKit

To those who asked. I'm nearly 20yrs younger, but as he pointed out I'm not a youngester. 'If you were 20 then that would be an unreasonable difference' he says, 'but you are not' - quite, I do realis that the older you get the more blurred the age gap becomes, haha.

Ewww this has creeped me out. He's negging you. Doing that nobody-else-will-want-you-aren't-you-so-lucky-you've-got-me thing. If he was that caring he wouldn't have to tell you over and over, it would be apparent because he'd be doing it. I don't like how he says he'd be caring romantically but not as friends, there's something off about that. What sort of person isn't emotionally supportive to their friends? He also sounds like he has no idea how to interact with a woman other than sexually, to have seen your friendliness as interest. And he's not housemates with his ex, that just sounds better than admitting he's too lazy to move out. Housemates pay their way and don't spend all their time lonely in their room. I'll bet she can't wait to get rid of her non-paying lodger. No, the whole thing is creepy. Use the bargepole to flip this one back into the sea.

When I met my husband I was a post-grad student and he was in a well paid job, so he had far more money than me. I've never earned as much as he does, and when the dc were small I only worked p/t so my take home pay was low. Luckily dh didn't have the attitude of needing to have a partner who was financially equal to him, or I'd have been out on my ear years ago.

This man sounds dodgy for lots of reasons, but having a low income isn't one of them.

I don't care about financial status. I'd prefer to be broke but miserable with the right person than better off but unhappy with the wrong person.

Oops that's should read rather be broke but happy with the right person than better off but miserable with the wrong person

He sounds creepy. You sound lonely & starved of affection. You’re trying to rationalise getting together with this man. Your instincts are telling you no.

From what you say you’re only mid 40s. C’mon do you really want a broke old lad whose only recommendation is that he’s good at hugs?

He’s looking for a nurse & a purse. Why would you resign yourself to be someone’s carer who you dont really know?

Step away from this, op.
Seriously.
You would be taking settling to a new level.

You’ve really thought about every detail before you’ve even been on one date.,. You sound very guarded to me, and seem to discuss relationships very ‘matter of fact’! You can’t make any of these choices before you’ve even been on one date.

Most people are picky, that’s how it works. In my opinion the fact you’ve asked 50866299 questions before even one date says you don’t like him enough. Otherwise you’d have been thinking about a date rather than all these other things!! X

He lives with his ex wife?!

@WineAway

He sounds creepy. You sound lonely & starved of affection. You’re trying to rationalise getting together with this man. Your instincts are telling you no.

From what you say you’re only mid 40s. C’mon do you really want a broke old lad whose only recommendation is that he’s good at hugs?

He’s looking for a nurse & a purse. Why would you resign yourself to be someone’s carer who you dont really know?

This ^.

Please rethink this, @CatAndHisKit. This man has very little going for him from the description you've given. His living situation seems very odd and if he's living off his Ex free of charge in her council accommodation I don't think I'd have very much respect for him - especially if he's able to work and contribute but doesn't. Also I wonder if the council knows about this "lodger", and how it might affect her eligibility and her increased costs, eg council tax increase as he's another adult living there...

In your place I'd protect my space and finances. You don't need a man living in your hard-earned home to have a relationship. However, as another PP said, I'd throw this one back. There are too many negatives! 🌹

He’s a potential cocklodger!

I sense you like him as a friend, and get on well with him, but feel a little sorry about his circumstances. Possibly he is fuelling this. Don’t let him sway your head. Take control of the situation. Read the comments here .

You like to travel, cook, discover new things. He’s a homebird, sharing a house with his ex (?!) and staying put.

Putting the money factor aside, you’ll resent his lack of ambition and adventure in the future.

He seems to be doing an awful lot of trying to persuade you and answer your reservations, plus sell himself hard with the only thing he's got going. Do you wonder why he's doing this?

You sound like a thoughtful, nice person, understandably lonely after a long single period. But you can do better than this setup. He's far older, can't share your interests unless you pay for everything, and would be reliant on you for accommodation. How do you reckon you'd get him out if you wanted to split? With great resistance, I'd imagine. He's lived off his ex for long enough, don't let yourself become the next source of comfort/ housing.

Have you looked at other ways of meeting men, online, etc? Someone more compatible and more self- sufficient will be out there. For me, it's not the income as such, it would be his lack of independence.

I think you see the negatives here but are being swayed by loneliness (understandable, especially after covid), anx his insistence, which probably feels flattering. But it sounds very much like this old lad isn't really steaming your pudding, and would bring a lot of dependency and probably care responsibilities in the not-too- distant future.

He does seem to have created a future for himself in your home, because he would prefer to live with someone who he finds attractive. No worries about who you want to live in your home, and if you find him attractive-he has decided because you are his friend you fancy him. Honestly you are lonely, I get it, I too have gone out with some sad losers so I was not alone. I also hate how he keeps telling you how supportive he is-he has not shown you, and if you don’t do what he wants he will not be a supportive friend. I feel in a year you will have stopped talking to him and look back and shake your head with how you nearly got a cock lodger.