Could you completely disregard a potential BF / partner's low financial status?

[CatAndHisKit]

I just wonder whether most women are like me and can not ignore (and in my case afford to) go into an LTR where partner contrubutes very little.
I actually wouldn;t have minded if I was well-off myself, but my situation is, I own a small house outright (I live in an inexpensive but 'ok' area) but my income is sporadic / often low due to being self employed.

I'm looking for an LTR as I 'm strruggling a bit being single for so long and hafing no emotional and practical support from a partner, but I'm also quite fussy as to who I like. Theoretically I'd like a situation where partner/husband lives in my house but earn well, or where we'd pull resources and buy a bigger house etc. I would not normally consider anything else as I just can't afford a better lifestyle on my own and part of the pull of having an LTR is that I dont have to rely on myself solely (I support my parent too).

Well lo and behold I've made friends with a man quite a bit older than me but he's retired early and doesnt own a house, lives with family in a council house. He is divorced for sure. I'd normally not date someone like that (though age gap alone is not an issue at all) - BUT he is genuinely very nice, we have a great connection, and he seriously likes me / is in love by the looks of it. It sort of just happened that we became friends but he wans more and I feel drawn to him. We haven't officially dated or kissed as I don't want to be impulsive. He says he is a very loving man and would be very supportive emotionally - and I can see that.
But - I've never gone for this in the past, it's just after being single for a long while it's hard to resist that warm carig attitude he's showing. Im being a bit bitchy for telling him I sort of expect contribution. Soundsa reallt silly but maybe most people normally go for the feelings and ignore the rest? I think I could just stay friends with him but he wants more so probably won't work, and also I have started missing him when we don't meet for a while so I'm not immune emotionally.
Sorry for therambling post!

I would question the choices of someone who had "retired early" who was dependent on his ex-wife for his living accommodation. So he's essentially unemployed, not looking for work and living on benefits? That would be a dealbreaker for me, I'm afraid.

I’m sorry but I wouldn’t entertain that, when I met my husband he earned more than me a lot more, but we were both young, 20 and 23. Now thirty odd years later he is a high earner in his own right, but I earn double.

I would not be entertaining a relationship with a skint homeless older bloke on a state pension who wanted to likely just move into my home and was on th lookout for some lonely woman with her own place..

I don’t want an equal. But I’d not want that. I’m sorry to be blunt, but that would be a huge no from me. I’d want a partner who worked, and could at least home himself.

No.

Been there before, to be honest paying for pretty much everything with no end of that status quo insight became very irritating.

How old is he, is he seventies or older?

OP, your ideal man might be well-off and solvent - but why do you think they should overlook your low financial status? Your sporadic and low income?

If you're going to assess potential partners on financial grounds - aren't you a bit lacking there yourself?

Firstly, I guess, I think everyone's free to set whatever standards they want when dating. Obviously the more criteria you have the smaller your pool is. Up to you to deal with that.

As for financial status? It tells you nothing about a person's character IMO. Someone can be intelligent, passionate, cultured, loyal, kind, interesting and still earn peanuts because our economy isn't necessaily designed to reward those traits with big bucks. Conversely someone can have high earning power but still be mean, arrogant, misogynistic, greedy etc.

And all of that can change over time. When I met DP I was self-employed and my income was low/sporadic like you. I wasn't unsuccessful, but my career simply isn't one you go into to earn pots of money. That was a deliberate choice on my part - to have the freedom of self-employment and to live a life doing something I loved. I did it knowing it'd be a financial sacrifice. I'm pretty glad DP didn't care! Not that he's had to support me but it definitely constrained what we could do and work towards. It turns out that I earn pretty much the same as him now, which was somewhat unexpected. He did always believe in my ability to get to this point though, even through all the ups and downs.

I think it's very easy for people on this thread to say they wouldn't be fussed by this when they live a nice, cosy well off existence.

Maybe just question these things op and really think about what makes you happy. You want to be financially independent regardless of who you date.

It's really the attitude that is most important. Money is the biggest cause of arguments so you're not silly to question it all.

relationships often end over lack of money and lack of sex affection
Seeing as you haven’t even kissed this bloke and he hasn’t got any money it’s a bit of a non starter
He might kiss like pig on heat and be shit in bed and have no money 😂😂

Sounds like you're not attracted to him so his finances are irrelevant.

OP, your ideal man might be well-off and solvent - but why do you think they should overlook your low financial status? Your sporadic and low income?

Are you on the wrong thread? She didn’t say her ideal man was well off, and well off and solvent are worlds apart. This bloke is elderly, homeless and on a state pension. Being concerned about some old broke homeless old bloke is not the same as wanting someone wealthy,

@Bluntness100

OP, your ideal man might be well-off and solvent - but why do you think they should overlook your low financial status? Your sporadic and low income?

Are you on the wrong thread? She didn’t say her ideal man was well off, and well off and solvent are worlds apart. This bloke is elderly, homeless and on a state pension. Being concerned about some old broke homeless old bloke is not the same as wanting someone wealthy,

In her words: "Theoretically I'd like a situation where partner/husband lives in my house but earn well, or where we'd pull resources and buy a bigger house etc."

I'm not going to judge this guy with the little information we have (we don't know the OP's age either), my post was more general.

After years of going out with men who worked part-time or full time in low wage jobs I realised that actually I want to be with someone who has the same or higher income as me. Not because I want anything from them-I don’t as I have my own home and live nicely. But because I want to have a good time with them and enjoy life. I would say, your friend if he needs to live with family can not afford to retire early, also keeping in mind that no one will love you more than a man who needs a new home-be careful.

Oh God. I would find it a bit difficult, yes. I wish that wasn't the case. It's not that I want lavish presents or to be a kept woman, it's more that I enjoy doing things that cost money and I also find it reassuring if a man is completely independent of me. I can't help thinking of my Dad's last relationship, which had significant financial/transactional elements to it as my dad could lose money out of thin air and had nothing. I don't want anyone to be with me because I provide a roof over his head.

I'm so so sorry OP, I completely misread your post. My fault entirely. Disregard my earlier post entirely!

I think you're right to be wary actually but I wouldn't write it off solely because of his socioeconomic status. However, it would make me worry about whether he wanted the right things or just a comfortable life as others have said.

OP, your ideal man might be well-off and solvent - but why do you think they should overlook your low financial status? Your sporadic and low income?

I felt with the Op it was one rule for her and one for the man in her life.

So he’s not in secure housing (dependent on his wife’s goodwill), can’t easily earn much money, and much older than you, so there’s higher risk of him becoming unwell.

No, wouldn’t date him and would cool off the ‘friendship’.

But if you personally want a better income, and can’t get that from being self employed, would seek better paid work rather than someone to pool resources with.

Why is he living in his ex wife's council house? Is he even legally entitled to live there or is there an illegal sublet going on? Why on earth has he retired early when he has no provision other than his state pension? And what was he living on in the period between 'retiring early' and being able to claim his state pension?

He doesn't sound like a great catch. Someone who is hard working and commited to a low paying career - probably not a problem, if I was in a position to compensate for it to ensure we could still enjoy life together. Someone who has (from the sounds of it) a less than admirable work ethic and poor financial intelligence - I'd give it a swerve.

I couldn't go out with him.

Look if it's bothering you now it will make you resent him in years to come. Don't do it. But be realistic in that you might not meet someone emotionally available and financially well off - these men are like gold dust.

So ask yourself - what do you have to offer to a well-wanted bachelor? Are you gorgeous, child free, with a good figure and envious career? Can you spend your weekends doing exciting things on a whim or are you tied to your parent?

It's all fine to be picky but you have to be like gold dust yourself, too.

Look, he's obviously not right for you. You haven't even dated him and you're talking about him moving in? Keep hold of that house and don't go moving anyone in who can't pull their weight financially. He should keep hold of his council house.

Cock-lodger immediately springs to mind.
You'll be a very attractive proposition to him.

Don't go there, you'll resent him and regret it.

@Notmoresugar

Cock-lodger immediately springs to mind. You'll be a very attractive proposition to him. Don't go there, you'll resent him and regret it.

Completely agree!

@Riverlee

I think it would be attitude to money, rather than how much he earns.

You say he has retired early and lives with family in a council house, and lives of his state pension. Why has he retired early? Why can’t he earn anything if he has retired early? Plenty of older people have jobs, whether full time or part time.

He also only has his state pension. You say he lives in he house free, so how is his attitude to money? Does he treat you or pay his way? Does he expect you to pay everything?

Can I be a bit presumptuous. Is he looking for a free meal ticket? You have a house and, being self employed, may look more affluent than you are.

Yes, those were my first thoughts too. He sounds like he's love bombing you, OP, he's sensed your weaknesses and is making a bid to win you over so he can move into another house where someone else is picking up the tab. Defo potential cock lodger.

The thing that strikes me is that you're not bowled over by him.
If you were, you would perhaps throw caution to the wind and go for it, instead of treating it as some sort of arrangement.
Also, as arrangements go, he isn't bringing much to the table.

@CatAndHisKit

I don't want to use him - for a long while I feel I'm reallu missing that soulmate type relationship. He would not be offering all the emotional support if we just stayed friends, he said he will if we are together - I just can see that he is capable of it. Pretty hard up - he is n state pension and lives free in ex wife's council house AND is much older than me which means he can't earn anything. Potentially I don't mind being a carer for someone I like / love (too eraly to discuss love) but I couldn;t afford to support someone financially as I'm not eraning much and I'm the sole supporter of my parent financially. I was trying to say. I'd like a man who helps out practically and ideally financially (on equal basis) and we also love each other, but there is no one else o the horizon at currently. My ex H was well-off but not emotionally supportive even if not a bad person - so this would be a complet turnaround but a bit extreme.

Personally this wouldn't be a situation I would be happy to get into, even if I really liked the person. It's just too risky if you don't have enough resources of your own to support yourself.

How old is he - is he actually at an age where it would be possible for him to work and contribute, or is he past working age?

It's hard to think with your head and not your heart when you are starting to like someone, but in this situation, if he can't work or will soon be unable to, I'd try to back off if you're not too attached already.

If you are much younger it's just going to be a really raw deal for you as you'll end up a carer, which you might be OK with emotionally, but you won't have the finances to properly support you with it.

I'd be worried but I can see why you are torn as he sounds like a lovely person.

The OP in a later message says he serially cheated on his wife but he's such a charmer she took him back.

That's not great, either!