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Original poster

Husband kissed friend

298 replies

Berghia · 29/11/2021 14:37

Sorry this is long.
I have name changed for obvious reasons but this isn't my first post.

Went out for drinks with husband and small group of friends. It's quite late, some have gone home and us remaining few are a bit drunk but not hammered.

Husband goes to bar with friend and they're gone ages. No longer at bar. I find them on dance floor talking so return to other friend and tell him. Something feels off so I go back and catch them as they're about to kiss. Feel like I'm in a soap opera.

I go home alone. Lots of angry phone call conversations with husband who wouldn't stop phoning me. Admitted they were about to kiss but kept saying that they'd not actually done anything. I said that was irrelevant as they would have if I'd not interrupted them. I tell him he needs to tell me now if anything has happened before or if anything did happen. He says no.

We talk a bit when I get home. I'm furious and tell him I'll never forgive him for the double betrayal and putting me in a position of risk in a city centre and having the nightmare of getting home alone when there were no taxis. I tell him I can't ever trust him.

In the morning I'm still angry in shock etc. He then tearfully admits they did in fact kiss.

Later we talk some more, I've calmed a bit and no longer want to move out. I tell him I need space so he stays out of my way, I go for a walk, visit my mum, message friends etc.

He's trying and is contrite and assures me he doesn't want her or for us to break up. We've talked about why he did it etc. I still feel like I'm missing some details but...

So now what do I do. I don't want to leave him but how does one go about moving on and getting past the lies. It's the lying I can't stand and the fact she was my friend. And that I was there. I'm meeting up with some friends this week to chat but I don't know what happens from here. If someone had suggested this would happen to us I'd have laughed. He's never given me reason to mistrust him. He's not perfect and neither am I. Our relationship was good, not perfect but pretty strong. I never imagined this could possibly happen. It's just blown my mind in the worst possible way.

If you made it to the end thanks so much.

OP posts:
DillDanding · 29/11/2021 17:08

I wouldn’t be able to get over this. How could you ever trust him again? Plus with your friend? That makes it even more shitty.

Being drunk is no excuse.

LondonWolf · 29/11/2021 17:12

Hmm, I think it’s pretty likely it’s already happened before and that doing it under your very nose added to the excitement on this occasion. Sorry 😞

Also be careful who you confide in. These kinds of things tend to split friendship groups and ime people who would never have imagined it from start to get impatient when the wounded party - you - won’t forgive and forget quick enough and allow everyone to all get back to having a nice time.

Speaking from bitter experience.

LuluBlakey1 · 29/11/2021 17:13

It would be very interesting to see how he reacts if you make him leave. Would he contact her and see her if he thought you were ending things with him? Or is he really not interested and would stay away from her?

Tee20x · 29/11/2021 17:16

If he's willing to do this in public knowing he's out with you and he could easily be caught out, others are right to wonder what goes on behind closed doors.

You say there's no opportunity for anything to have happened but how can that be possible - are you with eachother every waking moment. Are they in contact on social media?

It seems very brazen to be kissing in the middle of the dance floor as a first time thing.

grapewine · 29/11/2021 17:19

@Tee20x

If he's willing to do this in public knowing he's out with you and he could easily be caught out, others are right to wonder what goes on behind closed doors.

You say there's no opportunity for anything to have happened but how can that be possible - are you with eachother every waking moment. Are they in contact on social media?

It seems very brazen to be kissing in the middle of the dance floor as a first time thing.

I'm sorry, but this is true.
starskey80 · 29/11/2021 17:22

I'd book an STI test, seriously.

If he will take such a risk, WHILE YOU ARE RIGHT THERE, then he will go off with any woman that looks at him twice.

Fuck that shit.

LocalHobo · 29/11/2021 17:23

I agree with Bexxe.
Alcohol lessens inhibitions and a public, drunken kiss does not indicate some full blown on-going affair.
Only you OP, know if you can move on from this disrespectful behaviour but, on the scale of wrong-doing, it is only a 7 out of 10 imo.

layladomino · 29/11/2021 17:24

At best, he's showing you that if he finds someone attractive and they make a move on him, he can't resist. Even if you're nearby.

How could you trust him again?

Drinkingallthewine · 29/11/2021 17:27

Being drunk is no excuse.

Well exactly.

There's also the fact that she flirted with him the previous night out, and he's had all those days of sobriety in between those nights out to reflect on what she wanted, what he wanted, what was appropriate and what may happen the next time they were all out together.

If it was just a out-of-the-blue drunken dancefloor snog that ended in horror from him that they'd crossed the line, then maybe forgiveness could still be easily found.

But this wasn't that scenario at all.

WhenSepEnds · 29/11/2021 17:28

@Bexxe

Hi OP,

I recently posted after finding out my (what i thought0 dream of a boyfriend had slept with someone in a night club.

I am only 2 weeks since finding this out, and majorly navigating my rollarcoaster of emotions regarding it.

What i would first suggest, is to really think about whether it is something that you can forgive him for over time, not now or immediately. But do you see yourself in 5 years, still not being able to get past this?

Your situation sounds similar to mine, alcohol related. My boyfriend was around 15/20 pints down him (enough to knock most off his feet but he has a ridiculous tolerence) and all logically decision making goes out the window when alcohol is involved.
I've done a lot of research, mainly to figure to figure out whether he was telling the truth or chatting shit to make me forgive him, and it is clinically proven that alcohol decreases some of the activity of the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is what helps you to think clearly and rationally, and it is involved in your decision making abilities.
Now, this isn't a free pass that this wasn't his fault, as i still hold my boyfriend accountable.

If i understand correctly, he lied to you whilst still drunk, but told you the truth the next morning when sober and thinking clearly?
Its in most peoples nature to try and lie to save themselves, especially when drunk. But him sober, told you the truth.

I have found the biggest way you can decide how to move on from this is to see how he reacts now over the next few weeks/months.
I am hugely struggling with what my boyfriend has done, but i have decided to stay.

I have made the decision to try and see if i can make this work, with no promises on my side. He on the other hand, has spent every waking moment comforting me, reassuring me, supporting me and generally taking any abuse i throw his way.

Its very early, but time will tell how remoresful he is. And when you can see his true remorse (and not just guilt) is when you will be able to find a small window of imagining you can forgive him eventually.

You have said you dont want to leave him, so you are already part way to that decision. Each day gets easier, with some rocky moments thrown in.

You're clearly far more forgiving than me. I've been drunk plenty of times and never felt the need to do this. I would have been grateful it was just a boyfriend and not a husband so it was easier to walk away. I hope you can put the cheating behind you if that's what you truly want to do but please know that you're worth more than this bullshit if he does it again. He was incredibly lucky you forgave him once, if it happens again it should be a no brainer to leave
PearlclutchersInc · 29/11/2021 17:32

Only you can know if this is worth splitting up over. I got the impression there's been something niggling for a while?

However putting me in a position of risk in a city centre and having the nightmare of getting home alone when there were no taxis As an adult female you're more than capable of getting yourself home and if you weren't sober enough to do that or are "vunerable" in some way you need to have a think of your capacity for booze when you're out.

CaveWoman1 · 29/11/2021 17:33

……….and he did quite like her.

That’s the nail in the coffin. That bit.

NewlyGranny · 29/11/2021 17:36

Right, so he's lied twice already - about the kiss and about following you - and then treated you to trickle truth. There may well be more to come out.

StrongLegs · 29/11/2021 17:36

I'm sorry this happened to you OP. It sounds like no fun at all. I have no idea what to say. My DH and I are extremely boring and if either of us kissed anyone, or was kissed by anyone, I'm almost certain we would die of shock right there on the spot. Also Yuk.

Have you considered telling him to go on the wagon? I think Billy Connolly said that people can get very attractive after a whisky. Maybe it was the booze that did it?

Firesidefox · 29/11/2021 17:40

OP I'm very sorry for you but I would not hang around with him. My husband would not do this, no matter how drunk.

Given there are no DC involved, I would get out straight away.

And I'd tell everyone what they did. They should be ashamed, and your 'friend' blanking you is PATHETIC and makes me think there's more to it than just a drunken snog.

CambsAlways · 29/11/2021 17:40

There is a big possibility there was something going on between them leading up to this, he’d be out the door if it was my husband, and end the friendship immediately with the friend, ( some Friend Huh ) what would they have done if you weren’t there, I smell a couple of rats, you are worth much more op! I really feel for you

MsDogLady · 29/11/2021 17:42

This is terrible, OP. Flowers

Your H and your ‘Friend’ chose to made a fool of you in public, with you (and friends) right there.

They had an agenda when they slipped off together. He cheated so easily because he wanted to act on his attraction. Every step he made was a choice. After kissing on the dance floor, he went back in for more, and things would have progressed if you hadn’t busted them. And then he lied.

Has he had any sharp consequences for this massive betrayal, such as being sent away while you process this?

I wouldn’t be able to stay with this weak-boundaried man who treated me with callous disregard for a sneaky, sleazy ego boost. My trust and respect for him would be plummeting to zero.

And as for this OW, why are you still referring to her as ‘my friend’? Surely she is history. Do you know if they’ve been messaging/calling each other prior to or after their make-out session?

TheWomandestroyed · 29/11/2021 17:42

Do people really break up a 12 year marriage for a drunken snog ?

WhenSepEnds · 29/11/2021 17:45

@CaveWoman1

……….and he did quite like her.

That’s the nail in the coffin. That bit.

That's really all I would need to hear. Goodbye. How do you ever move on from that when they have shared friends etc. Despicable pair of selfish twats
Darkpheonix · 29/11/2021 17:47

@TheWomandestroyed

Do people really break up a 12 year marriage for a drunken snog ?
Its not just a drunken snog is it?

And yes, if people want to end their marriage because their dh, snogged their friend. After she made a small move and he chose not to back off. When he snogged her then they chatted about how they shouldn't and went to do it again.

In a place where they knew people they knew were and it would humiliate the OP. Absolutely not caring about what she saw or how she felt.

I think if people want to end their marriage over this, they are Absolutely right to.

@Berghia you say he has absolutely no chance to cheat or for this to have started before this night, how can you be so sure?

Malibuismysecrethome · 29/11/2021 17:49

Bexxe 20 pints has a ridiculously high tolerance or takes something to sober himself up?

Pascal80 · 29/11/2021 17:51

He says ''he quite liked her''.

There is a lot more to this than a couple of drunken slobs snogging other people's partners. Also, he does not sound sorry at all.
If you kicked him out or asked for a break, I think he would go straight to her. Your ''friend'' should have been on the phone to you immediately asking for forgiveness , but she has blanked you - your FRIEND.

I've been where you are a long time ago. I forgave him but eventually he had a full on affair with my best friend every night in our house while I was traveling 60 miles to visit my Dad in hospital after work. I came home early one night and caught them.

If you forgive this kissing, it green lights him to do likewise in the future.

fortheloveofallthings · 29/11/2021 17:51

When did this happen? If it was only this weekend, you can't expect to be "past it". You need to give yourself time and not rush into any decisions.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 29/11/2021 17:51

@CaveWoman1

……….and he did quite like her.

That’s the nail in the coffin. That bit.

I agree. The 'and he did quite like her' combined with the fact he lied when first confronted, saying they hadn't kissed before later admitting it, would mean I'd find it almost impossible to move past. In fact I know that I personally couldn't.
Sonaftersonafterson · 29/11/2021 17:51

Holy fuck! If you hadn't caught them, if they were there alone.... then what!? He has no discipline.

If my husband admitted he "liked" another woman and I caught them about to kiss, having already kissed and giggled about how they shouldn't be doing it, I would be gone. Divorce.
.and I would have sparked her too.