Husband kissed friend

[Berghia]

Sorry this is long.
I have name changed for obvious reasons but this isn't my first post.

Went out for drinks with husband and small group of friends. It's quite late, some have gone home and us remaining few are a bit drunk but not hammered.

Husband goes to bar with friend and they're gone ages. No longer at bar. I find them on dance floor talking so return to other friend and tell him. Something feels off so I go back and catch them as they're about to kiss. Feel like I'm in a soap opera.

I go home alone. Lots of angry phone call conversations with husband who wouldn't stop phoning me. Admitted they were about to kiss but kept saying that they'd not actually done anything. I said that was irrelevant as they would have if I'd not interrupted them. I tell him he needs to tell me now if anything has happened before or if anything did happen. He says no.

We talk a bit when I get home. I'm furious and tell him I'll never forgive him for the double betrayal and putting me in a position of risk in a city centre and having the nightmare of getting home alone when there were no taxis. I tell him I can't ever trust him.

In the morning I'm still angry in shock etc. He then tearfully admits they did in fact kiss.

Later we talk some more, I've calmed a bit and no longer want to move out. I tell him I need space so he stays out of my way, I go for a walk, visit my mum, message friends etc.

He's trying and is contrite and assures me he doesn't want her or for us to break up. We've talked about why he did it etc. I still feel like I'm missing some details but...

So now what do I do. I don't want to leave him but how does one go about moving on and getting past the lies. It's the lying I can't stand and the fact she was my friend. And that I was there. I'm meeting up with some friends this week to chat but I don't know what happens from here. If someone had suggested this would happen to us I'd have laughed. He's never given me reason to mistrust him. He's not perfect and neither am I. Our relationship was good, not perfect but pretty strong. I never imagined this could possibly happen. It's just blown my mind in the worst possible way.

If you made it to the end thanks so much.

@Takingonthejellybelly

And her? Fucking hell. I've no words. What a bitch.

I'd be telling EVERYONE in the friends group and her partner what she had done. Don't agree with the husband but they're both in the wrong and he shouldn't be the only one getting pulled up

Hi OP,

I recently posted after finding out my (what i thought0 dream of a boyfriend had slept with someone in a night club.

I am only 2 weeks since finding this out, and majorly navigating my rollarcoaster of emotions regarding it.

What i would first suggest, is to really think about whether it is something that you can forgive him for over time, not now or immediately. But do you see yourself in 5 years, still not being able to get past this?

Your situation sounds similar to mine, alcohol related. My boyfriend was around 15/20 pints down him (enough to knock most off his feet but he has a ridiculous tolerence) and all logically decision making goes out the window when alcohol is involved.
I've done a lot of research, mainly to figure to figure out whether he was telling the truth or chatting shit to make me forgive him, and it is clinically proven that alcohol decreases some of the activity of the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is what helps you to think clearly and rationally, and it is involved in your decision making abilities.
Now, this isn't a free pass that this wasn't his fault, as i still hold my boyfriend accountable.

If i understand correctly, he lied to you whilst still drunk, but told you the truth the next morning when sober and thinking clearly?
Its in most peoples nature to try and lie to save themselves, especially when drunk. But him sober, told you the truth.

I have found the biggest way you can decide how to move on from this is to see how he reacts now over the next few weeks/months.
I am hugely struggling with what my boyfriend has done, but i have decided to stay.

I have made the decision to try and see if i can make this work, with no promises on my side. He on the other hand, has spent every waking moment comforting me, reassuring me, supporting me and generally taking any abuse i throw his way.

Its very early, but time will tell how remoresful he is. And when you can see his true remorse (and not just guilt) is when you will be able to find a small window of imagining you can forgive him eventually.

You have said you dont want to leave him, so you are already part way to that decision. Each day gets easier, with some rocky moments thrown in.

@samesign

Sorry to hear this, would be the end for me, a friend is far worse than a stranger. I would be wondering if they had already started an affair before this kiss, but understand that you are married, have you asked the friend and other friends in common to find out if anything more you could find out? As you've said you don't want to leave him, are you both willing to cut ties with this friend?

This. ^ That would be it from me. And I suspect also, that something is already going on. I'd be planning my divorce already @Berghia No WAY would I/could I move on from this.

I recommend you go to the forums at the website Surviving Infidelity. They will really support you there.

Aside from the colossal amount of work your husband needs to do to prove himself a safe partner for you again, this “friend” needs to be 100% eradicated from both your lives.

The problem is whether I can get past it.

It's a trust thing really and I'd struggle to get past it too -

An honest, faithful partner would tell you straight if a person was being inappropriate with them - the first time. So when she was flirty the last time, that's when he should have spoken to you. That way, the two of you would be making sure she didn't get the opportunity to take the flirting further on the next night out.

But he didn't do that. He didn't discourage the flirting the first time, he didn't tell you about your friend flirting with him after the fact and he willingly created an opportunity for more flirting and making it clear he was receptive to it and possibly more from her. He hid all that deliberately from you and it sounds like he was looking forward to seeing where it went. It was wanted and reciprocal and he had several stages where cold sober thinking could have kicked in way before the kiss.

I dunno. I think that the fact they were sitting there simmering with chemistry together while you were sitting there oblivious is so disrespectful when you think about it. It shows that neither of them value you in the way that you deserve to be valued by a friend and partner - and for that, I'd really struggle to get past it.

Either way, I would not let him off the hook easily - he needs a bit of a fright and to see how much he stands to lose, so I'd ask him to move out for a while so you can have some head-space to think this through.

I had similar but my friend pushed them apart on the dance floor, ex tried saying nothing happened and my friend who said they were getting way too close was just drunk.

He left me a few months later and it transpired they’d been having an affair. He’s now married up her and hasn’t seen our child in years.

This was not their first time, it’s the first time they’ve been caught. So sorry.

I've done a lot of research, mainly to figure to figure out whether he was telling the truth or chatting shit to make me forgive him, and it is clinically proven that alcohol decreases some of the activity of the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is what helps you to think clearly and rationally, and it is involved in your decision making abilities.

This is so sad. I don't even know where to start. This research is highly convenient for him.

Alcohol impairs judgment.

It doesn't make you forget you're married. 12 fucking years worth of marraige in the OP's case. It also doesn't make you do things that didn't have the potential to happen before. Inhibitions are lowered to facilitate the behaviour you wouldn't take if you were fully functioning. This woman had already flirted. He knew before he even went out that night or had a first drink that an offer of potential was there. It just took drink for him to have the balls.

As for your chap? If he had any respect for you he would have never drink 15-20 (hello red flags... ) pints knowing this would be a risk factor for cheating because I 100% guarantee he has form.

I think you've been wooed by a womaniser and a chancer and if you stay, you'll be researching answers for this alcoholics behaviour for the rest of your life.

I'm sorry OP, but going from partner's friend to someone you'd kiss is a big jump to make in an (albeit prolonged) chat at the bar. Id want to know exactly what happened to get them from a to b, who said what to who, who made the move, because I'd be suspicious that it was part of an ongoing thing.

I wouldn't be able to move past this. Once the trust is gone it's over, although it may take a while to realise that.

It would be s deal breaker for me ,the rrust is gone

OP he also seems to shift all the blame to her, she flirted, she kissed, he must have been encouraging and he didn’t move away from her or stop her, don’t let him get away with this, they are both shits

I recall reading that a kiss is the hardest step to take in an affair and then the rest is easy after that . I think I would be having my suspicions OP . A friend of mine had an affair with my ex H - in fact they are married now after he begged to stay with me . I think that any woman who knows a family , their children and life and makes a move is a special kind of .

OOPs missing word.

I wouldn't forgive him. that would be it for me but if you are going to, I would make sure the friend is never to be seen again by either of you and she knows why and doesn't go out drinking again as he can't be trusted.

You don’t have to say it, we know

They were flirting at the bar and she kissed his cheek and instead of him realising she was being inappropriate towards him, he decided to take her/go with her to the dance floor while you were in the room. That doesn't seem like a small mistake or misunderstanding. That's more than even 'getting carried away' He could've left her side at any time but he didn't. I'd be gone, and wouldn't speak to either of them again.

I just don't believe that the first kiss would happen a) when you were around and b) within seconds of them deciding to do it. They're both in relationships. There must be a history to this - of them flirting together, messaging, even meeting up. If you can't trust him, then he's not for you. There is no deeper sense of unease than that felt when you can't trust your own husband.

The first chance he gets and he's right in there. Without any regard for you or your friends watching. Three kisses (he's admitted to) and he let you go home by yourself knowing what you saw.

There is no way on this earth I would put up with that. He choose her. What time did he come home?

I doubt he has had a chance lately to behave out of order but I would now be questioning past nights out. Decent men don't behave like this. They just don't. Opportunists and dicks and men who do this regularly behave like this.

It's very big of him to back off so you can still go out with your friends - are you kidding me?

You have eaten up every word he has said and all of it is utter rubbish. He just wants you to go easy on him. He wasn't worried about you on your own. He should have been out of there like a rocket.

It's up to you where your line is OP. All I would say is if you tolerate it once you are bound to be back here again

I've done a lot of research, mainly to figure to figure out whether he was telling the truth or chatting shit to make me forgive him, and it is clinically proven that alcohol decreases some of the activity of the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is what helps you to think clearly and rationally, and it is involved in your decision making abilities.
I want to hug you after reading this Bexxe , it's so desperately sad. You've gone to a massive effort to try and find some reason why what the man you share your life with was not entirely to blame for the way he treated you. It's heartbreaking. I don't know you at all, but even I can tell you're worth so much more than this.

I think you are asking the wrong question. It’s not how YOU can start trusting him again.
It’s about how HE can rebuild the trust he shattered by his behaviour.

The only way you can trust him again is if he can prove you he is trustworthy. That means he is the one who is doing the keg work there. It’s his responsibility to make things better. It’s not yours. It’s nit your responsibility to learn to trust him again and find ways to do so whilst he is just waiting for you to get over it iyswim.

Bottom line, he should be the one starting a thread and asking how he can regain your trust.
He should be the one to propose counselling.
He should be the one to propose ways of ‘proving himself’.
He should be the one to reassure you (starting with not telling lies ever again)
And he should know and accept this will take a long time and might never happen.

Because until he is actually doing something there is no way you will start trusting him again.

^ @PerfectlyUnsuitable nails it, his behaviour, his responsibility

This is unforgivable.
Not only the cheating but the fact you were there.
What a pair of disrespectful, cheating pricks.
You’re better off without the both of them.

I've done a lot of research, mainly to figure to figure out whether he was telling the truth or chatting shit to make me forgive him, and it is clinically proven that alcohol decreases some of the activity of the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is what helps you to think clearly and rationally, and it is involved in your decision making abilities.

@Bexxe, I am so sad ready that.
Yes alcohol does affect the ability to take the most appropriate decision. But have you ever seen someone going to court and being relaxed of GBH or assault just because they were drunk?
Nope
Because 1- it’s up to the person to stop drinking when the amount alcohol is affecting them so much they can’t actually think properly
And 2- what they did was still unacceptable.

It’s not up to you to sort the mess out and make it better.
It’s nit up to you to be understanding and finding excuses for him.
It’s nit your fault or responsibility.

I’d be asking him to move out so you can have some space to think. what he did was unacceptable, the lying about it initially worse still. Honesty has gone and you will never be able to trust there wasn’t intent for more.

No way I could forgive this either. You were there!
OK, so drink involved, but this doesn't sound like a drunken mistake. They went and danced AFTER she had kissed his cheek? Sorry, he was up for that. And di he just forget you were there?
What does he do when you actually aren't there!
I'm so sorry OP. I can't see that whatever he says will make this any better.
And the friend is ignoring you! Jesus, she kissed your husband! Why the hell isn't she grovelling on the floor begging you to forgive her?

Doesn't sound like shes very sorry. Which also makes it somewhat more likely that wasn't their first kiss.