Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

970 replies

Shayelle2009 · 29/11/2021 08:37

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
17
BelladiMamma · 06/12/2021 08:20

@NewlyJingle2021 once I'm 'serious' about an iron I often use voice notes. That way you can have an ongoing conversation during the day without interrupting each other at work / with friends etc. It's not unusual at all and also easier for people who don't type quickly. However I think your update shows that you're not really feeling it with him, I'd just say 'sorry things have changed my end and I'm not looking to date anyone / we aren't a good match, best of luck and happy Christmas.' Hope your DS is ok too.

@InABetterPlaceNow oooh how cute that you've got those honeymoon feels. I hope that he likes the present! Make sure you take some time for yourself amongst all the OLD and run up to Christmas excitement!! I can sense your enthusiasm but don't neglect yourself 😊

ibelieveinmirrorballs · 06/12/2021 08:24

Morning all. @FabulousMrFifty really interesting insight re men’s thinking!I think it’s hard for both sexes to sort of stop and admit that something the two of you are doing (and enjoying) isn’t going to lead to the ‘finish’ that is expected. But the more open and accepting we are the better… pressure to orgasm is counter-productive.

Lots of excitement for upcoming dates - @Eesha and @InABetterPlaceNow hope all goes well! And @SpringlikeBunk I admire your taking the bull by the horns with Mr Hedgehog and as a result feeling more connected.

@Naimee87 I used to live in Switzerland and my DC were born there - brought it all back hearing you talk about the 7am starts… such an odd country in many ways - we had a great life there as expats but they’re a strange mix of uber modern and international and unbelievably old-fashioned and socially conservative. I can’t remember the name of the canton that didn’t give women the vote until I think it was 1992! Shock

BelladiMamma · 06/12/2021 08:27

Had to cancel my date zero with MrBet today as I've picked up a (mild) tummy bug from my social on Saturday. Hopefully see him later in the week. I'm heading into a new busy creative / work period, one last push before Christmas.

All of this new enforced isolation with my illness then DD's has put me massively behind on all Christmas, travel and general admin. Plus the ex throwing his usual spanner in the works. It makes it really hard to achieve anything that takes me out of the house.

Isitreallyme177 · 06/12/2021 08:27

@NewlySingle2021 I don't have children but I always ask how Mr Cricket's daughter is even if it doesn't come up in conversation. She is part of his life and he quite often talks to me about her anyway. I used to ask Computer Geek how his children were too especially if he had said he had done something with them. Not every childless person is clueless about children. Maybe this guy is but not all of us are.

Isitreallyme177 · 06/12/2021 08:35

@Naimee87 good luck tomorrow,I have everything crossed for you. Hopefully you'll be driving one of these soon🚛!

NewlyJingle2021 · 06/12/2021 09:02

@Isitreallyme177 no I know, and no offence meant, not saying everyone is like that. I'm just meaning that for context I don't expect anyone I date to put my kids front and centre. I know that with me, before having kids of my own, I likely wouldn't have been very interested in talking about them generally. But I would have definitely mentioned them at the very least if someone I was interested in had children, or asked after them as part of being a polite person when the topic came up.

VanGoghsDog · 06/12/2021 09:35

I don't know about the kids thing. I don't have kids, I ask close friends and family how their kids are because I know them.
I wouldn't ask someone I'd met on one date anything about their kids because I'd feel it was a bit intrusive. If they started talking about them on the date I'd ask polite questions but it's hard to be interested in kids you've never met.

It sounds as if he thought you were both exchanging updates about your week. But it also sounds as if your text was me, me, me/kids and me - or was there more in it?

Re voice notes. I'm not a fan. One guy I chatted with on OLD sent me voice notes through the app and I found it odd. I've never done one, I'm too shy I think.

Funnily enough, I connected with a woman via a FB group and interest and chatted to her on Messenger and she sent voice notes because she said she can't use her hands much, which is fair enough. But I still didn't feel the urge to do them back. But I'm quite a fast type/texter.

Bottom line is, if you're not feeling it, you don't need any justification not to see him again.

FabulousMrFifty · 06/12/2021 09:57

@Naimee87 Good luck, knock'em dead (not literally of course)

@VanGoghsDog How do feel about your diagnosis ? does it make sense ?
who did you go and see ?

as for covers @BelladiMamma - i checked out that version of 'I'm not in Love', but TBH, still preferred the 10cc version, saying that

Macy Gray does a killer version of creep

I also prefer The Gary Jules version of Mad World to the T4F original, really stripped back.

but for sheer enjoyment, has to be the bluegrass version of Thunderstruck.

but any cover by Post Modern Jukebox is shite, sorry to any PMJ fans, but just NO.

BelladiMamma · 06/12/2021 10:00

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@Naimee87 Good luck, knock'em dead (not literally of course)

@VanGoghsDog How do feel about your diagnosis ? does it make sense ?
who did you go and see ?

as for covers @BelladiMamma - i checked out that version of 'I'm not in Love', but TBH, still preferred the 10cc version, saying that

Macy Gray does a killer version of creep

I also prefer The Gary Jules version of Mad World to the T4F original, really stripped back.

but for sheer enjoyment, has to be the bluegrass version of Thunderstruck.

but any cover by Post Modern Jukebox is shite, sorry to any PMJ fans, but just NO.[/quote]
Oooh thanks for the music tips! Will go listening later

BelladiMamma · 06/12/2021 10:06

Feeling sad but just had the chat with MrBeau. It ain't gonna happen. I was fairly blunt and he, to give him his due, responded very honestly so it was a fairly short conversation and no one was crap about it.

Relieved but also a bit 😔 as I'm not a robot

Eesha · 06/12/2021 10:08

@BelladiMamma thank you for your sweet words. Things are going unbelievably well and I can totally understand people thinking I'm mad after just a week. He's quite flummoxed too as it totally wasn't what he expected when dipping his toe in. I chatted to his best friend this weekend as he was excited to tell them. Apparently I'm the first one of his gfs they have spoken to in twenty years who is in his league intellectually. I'm guessing he's dated groupies before.Grin

Eesha · 06/12/2021 10:18

@BelladiMamma sorry about Mr Beau but I think you were right and it felt like you were not going to get anything anywhere near enough from him. Tell me to butt out but I find sometimes we seek these troubled sorts which detract attention from maybe sorting out our own lives in any way. You're definitely together so I think you need someone equally so.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 06/12/2021 10:26

Disturbed, ‘Sound of Silence’, blew me away as a cover of an already incredible song.

Re voice notes: the only ones I’ve ever got were from an OLD iron who sang Elvis and Tom Jones songs for me. I was frankly putty in his hands after that. A man who can sing or play acoustic guitar is catnip to me.

@Eesha I’m cheering you and Mr Music on!

Isitreallyme177 · 06/12/2021 10:28

@JustThisLastLittleBit I love that version, it is so good.

BelladiMamma · 06/12/2021 10:32

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma sorry about Mr Beau but I think you were right and it felt like you were not going to get anything anywhere near enough from him. Tell me to butt out but I find sometimes we seek these troubled sorts which detract attention from maybe sorting out our own lives in any way. You're definitely together so I think you need someone equally so.[/quote]
Yes and no. I think my issue is I'm so hung up on creatives & good looking guys that I don't really look into the sort of person they are and just jump in feet first.

Only one of the other irons is a creative so maybe I'll be a bit more circumspect in my approach with them. Am thinking I might delete my account on all apps now til the new year as I can't deal with the number of irons I have now anyway and need to process these two beautiful actors that I've had spluttering starts and ends with.

VanGoghsDog · 06/12/2021 10:37

@FabulousMrFifty

@VanGoghsDog How do feel about your diagnosis ? does it make sense ?
who did you go and see ?

Well, the ASD was summer last year and ADD was this summer.

I had some therapy which I arranged and paid for myself, after my father dying April last year.

The therapist was a psychologist with expertise in ASD especially in women.
I didn't go to her knowing this nor expecting a diagnosis.

She just spotted it and then suggested some tests.

Then I saw her again for three sessions this year and she suggested the ADHD test too.
I come out very highly on all of them and significantly I score really high for masking.

It makes sense in a way. But I admit I think being diagnosed ASD is a bit of a trend. My issues have previously been put down to childhood abuse and CPTSD or abandonment syndrome/attachment disorder. But these days, some could be put down to peri menopause!

None of it matters, knowing makes no difference. Though it does explain why I'm always tired and why my house is always messy (incapable of executive function type jobs a lot of the time, which I know sounds, and is, ridiculous, and I wish I could change it!).

Having ASD and ADD is a contradiction. It means I like order and routine but am incapable of creating either. I get upset if my favourite morning cup isn't washed, but not to the extent of actually washing it in advance, for example.
Putting in some set routines has helped me a bit, though I notice they slip very quickly if I'm feeling down.

I do have some typical ASD traits, such as not liking different textures in food, having some sensory issues, especially around noise plus can't wear headphones. I have PDA (pathological demand avoidance) which means I hate being told what to even in a tiny way, makes me difficult to manage at work (though obviously I know to cover it up and behave properly at work). I don't like random touch, or being surprised. Clothes often irritate my skin which is very sensitive to touch. I really struggle with social situations and dwell on things for literally years when I have said something wrong, which is often as I forget social norms at times.

People think I'm really funny, but I often have no idea why. For example, I was visiting a friend at Sandy, and it had been raining a lot, so I said I hoped it wasn't muddy, but it probably wouldn't be, what with it being sandy (Sandy is sandy). She said she read that text to her whole family because I'm so funny. It wasn't meant to be funny, just factual.

But just as often a similar kind of comment offends someone and I have no idea why!

Can't fix it by knowing though, just forgive myself a bit.

NewlyJingle2021 · 06/12/2021 10:37

Thanks @VanGoghsDog no just not feeling it and you're right, I don't need to justify it. My text was not all me, me, me whatsoever - but his texts very much were. Mine were more conversational. I just said very briefly been busy at an event, my son found it very hard and stressful, how's your day been in response to him asking how my Sunday was. But I had also acknowledged what he'd said about his evening previously, showing interest, not just an update about myself.

His messages/voice note actually appear quite disjointed, with no acknowledgement of anything I'd said about me. Almost like I'm an audience just for him, or like he was writing a diary up date... sort of how I'd been feeling on the date really, like I was a captive audience. Which I had put down to potential nerves in person, but feel like he had a few openings over text and when not under pressure, but he just didn't take them or ask anything about me. On the date itself I heard all about his school, college, uni and work experiences for the past 10 years or so, and by comparison he had not asked me one thing about my uni, travelling, career or recent work. He mentioned he'd thought about being a teacher, which I used to be, so tried to say something about that but he sort of brushed over it to continue talking about himself. So it felt very one sided and that came across much more clearly in the texts and voice note and sort of clarified things for me.

Naimee87 · 06/12/2021 11:11

@ibelieveinmirrorballs thats AMAZING you lived here! Oh yes! A odd but cute country! I'd say i'm 'swing-lish' because i've been here most of my life but was born in Southport... and my mum and dad are from Aberdeen and Manchester. Hard to lose the 'britishness' really. But my DS is at the local school an is a Swiss little thing really.

@StartingAgain6369 do keep hold of that Yorkie Bar! I'll be headed your way once COVID chaos decides to F the F off! Looking rather unlikely though anytime soon. Just out of curiosity what's the shelf-life of the Yorkie Bar in question? 😂

Stayingstrongish · 06/12/2021 11:45

@NewlyJingle2021 that would put me off too if an iron didn’t ask any questions about me/comment on what I’d said. You want conversations to be two sided so that you feel acknowledged and understood as a person.

Stayingstrongish · 06/12/2021 11:46

@BelladiMamma it sounds like you’ve made the right call with Mr Beau and ended things in a mature way x

Stayingstrongish · 06/12/2021 11:51

MrBeard has asked if I want to be his plus one for his work Christmas party this week. It’s been about five weeks since we met. I’m kind of awful in group situations sometimes and worried about his workmates not wanting to make awkward conversation with their colleague’s new partner. Would any of you go to a work Christmas party with a partner after knowing them not very long?

VanGoghsDog · 06/12/2021 11:53

@Stayingstrongish

MrBeard has asked if I want to be his plus one for his work Christmas party this week. It’s been about five weeks since we met. I’m kind of awful in group situations sometimes and worried about his workmates not wanting to make awkward conversation with their colleague’s new partner. Would any of you go to a work Christmas party with a partner after knowing them not very long?
Depends what type of do it was. But I'm not that keen on them at the best of times!
BelladiMamma · 06/12/2021 12:02

@Stayingstrongish

MrBeard has asked if I want to be his plus one for his work Christmas party this week. It’s been about five weeks since we met. I’m kind of awful in group situations sometimes and worried about his workmates not wanting to make awkward conversation with their colleague’s new partner. Would any of you go to a work Christmas party with a partner after knowing them not very long?
Gosh that's a strong call on his part. Also very sweet. What sort of do is it? Would it be easy for you to get to and get away again?
BelladiMamma · 06/12/2021 12:04

@NewlyJingle2021

Thanks *@VanGoghsDog* no just not feeling it and you're right, I don't need to justify it. My text was not all me, me, me whatsoever - but his texts very much were. Mine were more conversational. I just said very briefly been busy at an event, my son found it very hard and stressful, how's your day been in response to him asking how my Sunday was. But I had also acknowledged what he'd said about his evening previously, showing interest, not just an update about myself.

His messages/voice note actually appear quite disjointed, with no acknowledgement of anything I'd said about me. Almost like I'm an audience just for him, or like he was writing a diary up date... sort of how I'd been feeling on the date really, like I was a captive audience. Which I had put down to potential nerves in person, but feel like he had a few openings over text and when not under pressure, but he just didn't take them or ask anything about me. On the date itself I heard all about his school, college, uni and work experiences for the past 10 years or so, and by comparison he had not asked me one thing about my uni, travelling, career or recent work. He mentioned he'd thought about being a teacher, which I used to be, so tried to say something about that but he sort of brushed over it to continue talking about himself. So it felt very one sided and that came across much more clearly in the texts and voice note and sort of clarified things for me.

I had a short relationship with a guy like this. It was almost like 'you're my girlfriend so I get to use you as my journal'. I found it very meh in the end although at first it was exciting hearing from him because I liked him then it was like ... really ... you just want to tell me about your Amazon delivery and what you're having for dinner ... ok 🤷🏻‍♀️
Onesmallstep67 · 06/12/2021 12:07

@Stayingstrongish, how do you feel about Mr Beard ? do you feel like it'd be good fun and you could relax sufficiently to enjoy it ? I can be a bit gung-ho about some situations so I would probably go for it and enjoy it for what it is.

Swipe left for the next trending thread