Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@InABetterPlaceNow I totally get your worries. Especially if it's been a long time since you've had a first time with someone!
I was an absolute nervous wreck about sleeping with someone new, so much so that I think it spoiled what me and MrTattoo could have had. I just wouldn't let myself relax and was in my head the whole time.
With MrTeacher, it's been the complete opposite - spent last night with him and it was so good. I think the difference was that I am less invested and less set on impressing him and more into feeling all the nice things 😅
I guess what I'm saying is to remember it's about you as well - not just whether you pass muster in the bedroom for someone but making sure you go with what you want.

@FabulousMrFifty hope you survived the night shift without losing your shit at anyone!

@BelladiMamma the whole MrBeau situation sounds so full on, don't let him lure you in with his sexy neediness! Though so hard to step back if you are dying to jump him!

So as I've probably made clear, MrTeacher is absolutely what I'm into physically (except for height!) excellent in bed...but. Over dinner, I felt like I was really working at keeping the conversation going. Which pissed me off after an hour or so. He's told me over text that he really likes me but he's a little complicated and hopes I'm patient about getting to know him. But after 5 dates, the superficial chat is just not giving me anything. I like proper conversation - not necessarily about deep matters but actually getting to know someone. Is anyone else quite guarded or shy? I'm not so I just dont understand him.

@MizK @Simpleisntit thank you both for your sensible words. I'm not going to chase this one, I've just checked back in with him and dialled it right back so that he knows I'm a friendly ear but no more at this stage.

@MizK as for your 'superficial chat' with MrT I would also find it frustrating. I've had irons in the past like this and it's slightly maddening. It's like they think it's enough to absorb and listen to your stories or your chat but not to give anything back. Sometimes it's because they're manipulative other times it's because they're incredibly guarded. You only get something in a relationship in my view, if you're prepared to put a bit of skin in the game. You're not going to change him so see if he'll meet you halfway in another area of your lives eg a shared hobby. Otherwise just meeting up for relationship-y evenings with sex is going to be very frustrating.

@FabulousMrFifty how was the night shift?

@BelladiMamma @MizK
I used to work in operations, so used to work all odd hours including nights, but that was an awful long time ago,
We were wrapped up by about 4, so was in bed about 4:30 this morning, not so much fun when you over 50…
All went okay thanks, was called out at 8am due to something I had missed (Doh), so will probably have some brunch and snooze the afternoon away now.
Thanks

Well, my present-buying stress has been resolved. Mr G has ended things. He definitely wants to have more children; I definitely don't. So that's that I guess 😔 At least it doesn’t feel personal (just a mismatch of what we want in life), and it’s obviously the grown-up decision in the circumstances. Not sure how I feel about it actually.

@PurpleStripyScarf
Like you said it's a mismatch but it doesn't make it any easier, I do feel for you. Does he want to stay in touch or is that it ?

[quote StartingAgain6369]@PurpleStripyScarf
Like you said it's a mismatch but it doesn't make it any easier, I do feel for you. Does he want to stay in touch or is that it ?[/quote]
Thanks @StartingAgain6369. Yes, staying in touch - he seemed quite keen/proactive on that front. I guess we'll see how it actually pans out. Unfortunately I think we both really like each other - it seemed pretty great apart from that (crucial) mismatch. I'll miss him.

@PurpleStripyScarf oh damn I am so sorry to hear this. Even though you're both being sensible it doesn't make it any easier.

Rotten time of year for break ups of any sort.

@FabulousMrFifty do you get paid extra or time off in lieu? Weekend working is such a faff. But the weather down here is pants today so I wouldn't mind having something to do for work if I'm honest 🤷🏻‍♀️

Just recognising that rush of relief as MrBeau gets back in touch to say he's ok and what he's up to today (with friends and family). And then the inevitability of whatever the next crisis is. Gosh I know this rollercoaster very well and I am interested in my thought patterns about it. I seem to think that it's my exclusive right and skill that means only I can ride it and survive. Only I can help this particular person, deal with the crises etc. All very seductive because it makes me feel useful and relevant to someone who I find very attractive. I'll keep coming back here to get a kick up the arse from you all!!

Well I just beat my personal best on the rower in the gym. It's been a while since I've got close but I beat it today. And the new cat came out of hiding all of his own accord just now. He's probably back under the bed now but we're getting there. As Mr Cricket said yesterday, 'slowly, slowly'.

It’s good to be able to observe yourself in this situation @BelladiMamma - I’ve definitely got the t-shirt for this sort of dynamic - in the early days dating my ex-husband he had a full on breakdown with incidents such as crying after sex declaring I was his only salvation and turning up half-cut on diazepam having skipped work because he “couldn’t cope”. Fast forward fifteen years and it took a six-figure legal bill and probably 20+ court hearings to get divorced and years of absolute shitshow behaviour once I’d stoped being his “salvation” and flipped into being his “nemesis”. Because basically I stopped doing what he wanted. It was like being strapped to a rollercoaster I couldn’t get off. Observe your fascination with this man but recognise you have the power to make different choices this time!

I’ve had a great few days here, had my dressy up event on Thursday then was back in town again with my daughter having a bonding day - unusually her twin sister was away and she HATES shopping so it gave us the chance to do that together.

Plenty of contact from iron and our weekend of mostly adventure (but also no doubt some “so where is this going anyway?” chat) looms in a few days. I’m feeling quite relaxed about everything and unusually for me not preoccupied with a drive to cling onto it at all costs. Have had a few ex irons creeping out of the woodwork this past few days, plus plenty of attention at my work so, which all serves as a good reminder that there are always other men out there.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs yeah and there's a part of me that could message you back to say 'this one is different'

We always think that though don’t we? The fact is we don’t really know these men from Adam.

@BelladiMamma
1.5 on Sat night & 2 on Sunday so 12.5 hrs pay for 7 hrs work, but very anti social hours ,; Mr B situation sounds tricky

@PurpleStripyScarf sorry to read about that, but kids are not really some you can negotiate about, like holiday locations

@Isitreallyme177 🚣🏻 Killer

In other news, next meet up with ms Wales is now firmed for next weekend (virus permitting), she keeps sending me mucky messages, so will have to make sure im well rested up ,!

Also have hurt my neck, ( trapped nerve maybe ) pins and needles down one arm

Would any of you date someone who hasn't had their Cvd vaccinations?

Thank you for all the advice everyone!

I actually ended up having a 4 hour video chat with Mr Tux last night and ended up talking through any worries / fears I had. I was right, I needed to see his body language and hear his tone. All fears have been put to bed (no pun intended ) so now just looking forward to when we can find some quiet time I think!!

There was talk about DE a while ago here, and Mr Tux let me know that he suffers from this due to his medication. While it's not an issue for me I'm really glad he's let me know ahead of time - otherwise it would have been something I'd have really worried I was doing wrong. I think we're just lucky that we've ended up communicating really well prior to anything happening as I know that's not always possible!!

@PurpleStripyScarf, sorry to hear that things have ended with your iron. It’s so difficult to get everything to align with the right person.
@BelladiMamma, I wonder whether your limited opportunities to get out to meet irons means that sometimes the messages and chats intensify feelings or keep things in an extended limbo which might have played out a different way if you kept meeting in person? The question with these kind of scenarios is are they messaging out of genuine interest or because it’s quite nice to have that attention and interaction with someone.

@Signalstation

Would any of you date someone who hasn't had their Cvd vaccinations?

It wouldn't be an issue for me

@Signalstation
It wouldn’t really bother me too much, as the vaccine ( as I understand it), protects yourself from the worst of the effects.

@InABetterPlaceNow that was me, I sometimes suffer from DE, with out being TMI, I have no problem with erections , but sometimes during sex just cannot “get there”, and endup “plugging away “, I have faked it previously as it gets a bit boring and just want to stop, but I also worry that my partner would somehow think less of me, or think that she had an issue if I couldn’t climax during intercourse

But I also suppose is closer to the female experience of sex where you don’t always have a orgasm, but can still have a nice time (so I’m told),

@Signalstation

Would any of you date someone who hasn't had their Cvd vaccinations?

I wouldn't - partly because of the risk, but mainly because I'm unlikely to get on with an anti vaxxer, unless they're medically exempt of course.

Thanks @Onesmallstep67 and @BelladiMamma and @FabulousMrFifty. Bella actually I don't mind the timing so much - I've got loads going on with work and Christmas and (hopefully, COVID-permitting) catching up with friends and family over the next few weeks - so plenty to distract me. It's more the general concept that I'm sad about. But yes MrFab you're right, it's not something that can be negotiated over. He's at a ripe age where he feels he needs to get on with it. I just hope I don't sit around waiting and hoping that something will change over the next few years... I'm also trying to envisage the "friends" thing with him. Would like FWB with him but that probably wouldn't be sensible/helpful in the circumstances.

Sorry, feeling a bit self-focused. Hope everyone else is doing ok.

@Signalstation I agree with @WeWantTheFinestWines, not interested in listening to an anti vaxxer so depends on why they haven’t been vaccinated.
@PurpleStripyScarf, you’re not coming across as self focused at all. You seem to have accepted the rationale behind his decision. I think depending on how long into the relationship you were I wouldn’t try to pursue FWB. In some respects they are easier to find so I wouldn’t over complicate things with your former iron. Aren’t we all somewhat prone to suggesting friendship by means of edging out of something to soften the blow ? Or maybe that’s just me 😬

@Signalstation Mr K (we've been together just over 2 years) is not vaccinated and I am annoyed about it but what can I do.
Its the only thing we disagree on so its not discussed. He doesn't try to push his views on me and isn't a crazy anti-vaxxer.
He says he will get it in 2023🙄
He believes in Covid as he has had it (and gave it to me) in late December/January.
His son had it then and also had it recently, Mr K should have self isolated but went to work (he works with one other guy outside building houses so not a huge risk) and also went fishing as I refused to see him.
I made him lateral flow test every day but still refused to see him even though he was negative, he got antsy with me and I told him to respect my decision as I respected his decision to not be vaccinated - he shut up after that.

Its things like his decision to not get vaccinated that make me realise we're likely not compatable long term so I'm just enjoying it while it lasts.

Not managed to read hardly any posts given the school stuff with my DS which took up a lot of last week and even the weekend. Counselling/therapy sessions all over the show even on a saturday. The teachers really doing my head in.
Work's mental too so was trying to send some emails today. And my truck exam is on Tuesday at 7am. The highlight of my weekend was buying 'workerman' steel toe shoes and worker trousers! And my DS deciding he'd like glasses so bought himself a cheap pair that just have plain lenses in. He's not took them off all weekend and looks like he'd fit right in at Hogwarts.

Magnet-man is still behind the scenes! Could do with seeing him this week for an 'escape'...can celebrate a pass or he can cheer me up if i fail!

I hope everyone's had good weekends though! Can't believe we're in December! Hope you all have lovely evenings!!! 🤩🤞🏻