Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Hi everyone, I'm trying to keep up with you all but this thread moves so fast!

I had date 0 with Chef today, it was nice and he seems generally ok and fairly normal, phew. He seems very sweet and quite gentlemanly but also talked a lot about himself. Which is nicer than me carrying all the conversation, but not sure if he was maybe a bit nervous or if he's just self absorbed. I do have my guard right up after years with exH who made everything about him and used to monologue at me instead of having an actual conversion. I'm a bit hmm about Chef but only because of that, everything else was good and no red flags waving at me so maybe he just needs some time to warm up and let nerves calm down. However I'm not up for a project or another man who needs looking after and guiding, so not sure yet. I'd only planned to stay 2 hours (parking limits in town!) which seemed to disappoint him but he wasn't pressuring or weird, just said he'd hoped we could chat longer. He walked me back to my car and we hugged goodbye with a peck on the cheek. I didn't feel like I wanted to rip his clothes off or anything but I think there was a little spark!

He said he'd like to see me again, and I did say I would like to get to know him more. He said he'd like to cook me dinner, but I suggested a place in town as I'm not going off to his house so soon. So I'll see what happens there.

By the time I'd got home he'd already texted me to say he'd had fun and see if I had too. Not sure if this seems too much, I'd said he should drop me a text sometime but didn't expect it so soon. Again my exH gave me little to no communication, so not sure if that is normal and polite or a bit too keen and needy. What do you all think?

Btw I have had therapy both during my awful marriage and during the separation, but I find it hard to trust myself after a long time of being gaslighted by exH so I'm sorry if I appear daft with these doubts and questions!

@NewlyJingle2021 I don't think the text sounds too much, I think it's polite to text just after a good date. Obviously you know your own boundaries and what works for you but I wouldn't have thought it a bad sign?

@NewlyJingle2021 On the talking about themselves point, I posted the same thing about Mr Tux. After we'd got to know each other a bit more I ended up approaching it with him. For him, it's because he tends to learn about people through what they offer up rather than ask questions, whereas I tend to be a very active listener and ask a lot of questions.

I said that I would interjet myself for into conversation, and asked him to ask me some more questions which seems to be working. He asks me a lot these days on how my day is going etc and I feel like he knows plenty about me at this point.

I had the same trigger around my ex, but I don't think it always comes from a bad place. I also think he was trying to impress me

@VanGoghsDog once again snap and there are two artists that I always see. But I still think that's just unnecessary to be snide and patronising.

Is it worth telling them about your diagnosis? I assume they might just use it to be a PITA or condescending in a new way.

@eesha thanks for the kick up the arse earlier. I've had my social thing earlier and am on my way home now. The others are going on for the evening and drinking but I got the benefit of seeing people and chatting with my friends with a common interest.

We also met on the south bank which is a great place to meet so good choice @SpringlikeBunk

@NewlyJingle2021 Hmm, rereading, the disappointment on wanting it to be a longer time and the wanting to cook dinner would go on my "red flag watchlist". That might just be me though!!

@NewlyJingle2021 I've had guys do that and I should take note because unless it's clear you fancy each other, it pushes the other person away. Which is why when I get those texts I'm 'just want to let you know that I see you more as a friend not a potential relationship' or you can be blunter.

The other measure I've used is if I think it's a chore to see them again. Then I just close it down.

In other news no word from MrBeau but he's started to follow me on Instagram and is liking all my posts. Ffs 🤦🏻‍♀️ make your mind up mate.

@NewlyJingle2021 I think it’s just politeness to send a text after a date, I always did without waiting to see if they did first. Nothing to worry about there, and the overtalking could be nerves. Wanting to cook for you already is a bit forward from someone who is still a stranger, even if he is a chef… On balance I would have said he’s worth another shot, in a public setting.

@NewlyJingle2021

Haven't caught up with all the thread but well done on getting through the first apps meet with MrChef!

Agree he may be hinting at faster physical intimacy (dinner at his, wanting to start communication/chats in which you "give him the green light").

That said, it doesn't mean he's not a serious prospect just as he fancies you physically - if you know your boundaries and he respects them and isn't pushy, then I guess just take things one contact/meet at a time?

Sounds like you weren't completely blown away - not a bad or a good thing, I'd just see if you can get to know him better if you want to?

Have you got any more chats or meets lined up?

Thanks everyone for your thoughts, it's really helpful to me. I have replied to his text saying I enjoyed meeting him and it would be good to do it again at some point. I was thinking 'I'm not going to write him off just yet, I'll give him chance and see what another date brings'. But then he replied almost immediately asking if I was free next week. If I was him, I'd be playing it a bit more cool, so once again I was a bit, hmm is he nice or just too needy/desperate?

@InABetterPlaceNow the dinner idea was because during earlier conversation he'd told me he enjoys cooking for others and it was one of a few things he'd suggested if we had another date, I lightly batted it back and suggested a place he'd previously mentioned being good. And the disappointment about todays date not being longer was because I only remembered about the car parking about an hour before my ticket was up, so we'd been chatting and eating for around an hour. I suddenly realised 'I have to leave by 3' and he said it was a shame and it would have been nice to have another drink. Does that context lessen the red flag slightly?

@NewlyJingle2021
He likes you, probably more than you like him by the sounds of it

He just sounds open and straightforward, why should he ‘play it cool’, is this a game?

@JustThisLastLittleBit yes on its own I think it's a bit much. But I just put the context in another post, maybe it's not as bad as it sounds. I'm obviously not going to go to a stranger's house for dinner and he seems quite intelligent so logically he would know that. I've made it clear I'm not into FWB or ONS. My exH really 'love bombed' me and moved very fast, too soon (hindsight is wonderful) so I'm very cautious about it. Maybe I am too cautious though, he could've just been chatting and feeling more relaxed at that point, I don't want to dismiss something that could be fun. Equally I don't want to ignore red flags and give a guy too much benefit of the doubt!

@JustThisLastLittleBit no, perhaps my phrasing is off, not a game/playing it cool etc but I told him I was put off other matches because they seemed to demand my attention with constant messages. One of the reasons I quite liked sporadic contact with Chef actually - even though I was originally wondering if that in itself was a red flag! So considering that, if I was him I'd have perhaps waited a bit before texting for another date just to give things time to settle.

@FabulousMrFifty thanks. I am not sure he knows enough about me to actually like me yet! My exH moved fast and was projecting a lot of his 'dream girl' image onto me, without really knowing me, so now I am cautious. I think I could like him, there was something there, but I'm not quite ready to let my guard down so soon.

@NewlyJingle2021 Ahh, you sound just like me! I don't think it's a bad thing at all to be cautious.

I don't think any of these things are massive red flags, but it's far too early to know if they would ultimately turn into them (look at me getting all wise! The advice of others here helped me see this).

My "red flag notebook" is how I'm navigating it. Essentially I mentally note these kind of things while keeping an open mind. I had quite a few things with Mr Tux after the first couple of dates. We're still very early days, but as time has gone in some of those things I've crossed off, some of them I directly asked him about "when you said this, could you explain meant?" as I got more confident with him. Recently some of his other actions that have gone in my green flag pot (the opposite of the notebook - which is fluid - where those things I feel are completely genuine and safe actions go and stay to build "trust").

If a massive red flag came up, or something in the notebook became one by being persistent despite talking about it and it make me uncomfortable then the pot would be dumped out and that would be that.

I'm probably just quite odd, but it seems to be working OK so far

@SpringlikeBunk he has asked when I am free next week, so if my ex is having the kids then another date will likely be on the cards.

It doesn't feel like a chore to spend time with him as another poster raised the point, he seems to have varied interests and a lot to say. But the city centre is between us both and so is a natural meeting point, however navigating that feels like a chore at this time of year 😂

vangogh your sister sounds like a selfish cow. She does not deserve you, and you do not deserve to be treated like that. What a huge favour you did her, and how ungrateful is she!

So nothing like my upcoming house sitting situation, which I'm now hugely excited about, having met the couple and their animals (2 dogs, 1 cat, 8 chickens). Lovely big house by the sea, where I can take the dogs for walks, and fast wifi so I can work and watch films. It will be almost two weeks, which is a long time to be away from the DC but not long enough to be away from their dad. No payment involved, but they're giving me petrol money and stocking up the fridge (they asked what kind of wine I like - I said "the finest" of course😅) and I will look after their house and pets as if they were my own. Mid-Jan so may have to delay OLD relaunch as it's too far away from my home for that.

@InABetterPlaceNow that sounds a very sensible way to do it! I find it hard to balance wanting to be cautious and protect myself whilst simultaneously wanting to be open to new connections and not judging everyone through an iffy lens based on my past. I've had quite a few matches I've had to stop contact with for various off-putting things so I can clearly trust my judgement sometimes. Other times I second guess myself because of so much lying and gaslighting I've experienced.

Newly isn't it crazy how we want someone to like us and then when they do we worry that they're desperate! He likes you and wants to see you again. He's proud of his cooking skills and wants to show them to you. Try to just focus on that, go on another date and then be on the lookout for any flags.

[quote NewlyJingle2021]@InABetterPlaceNow that sounds a very sensible way to do it! I find it hard to balance wanting to be cautious and protect myself whilst simultaneously wanting to be open to new connections and not judging everyone through an iffy lens based on my past. I've had quite a few matches I've had to stop contact with for various off-putting things so I can clearly trust my judgement sometimes. Other times I second guess myself because of so much lying and gaslighting I've experienced. [/quote]
I totally get that. I think the number one thing to remind yourself of all the times you HAVE recognised things are off and removed yourself from the situation.

And if you have doubts, post here as you'll get lots of different perspectives (thank you to everyone who's responded to mine!). Talk to friends, a therapist if you have one etc. You don't need to rely on just yourself and other perspectives are always helpful.

The way I see it, I've always been told that not everyone is a douche so I'm best to (as hard as it is) give people a chance, and if I'm seeing a "red flag" then step back and see if I'm replaying a past story on a similar pattern, and if that's fair. Our brains are pattern playing machines and are just trying to keep us safe but they can go overboard sometimes and spoil our fun! However, uncomfortable feelings should always be explored - either they are justified and it's a sign to move on, or it's a chance to heal yourself.

There's no rush, and you might get it wrong sometimes (but this is far more likely to just be wasting your time with someone for a month or so who turns out to be a numpty than getting fully back into an unhealthy situation because you're thinking things through).

[quote SpringlikeBunk]@NewlyJingle2021

Haven't caught up with all the thread but well done on getting through the first apps meet with MrChef!

Agree he may be hinting at faster physical intimacy (dinner at his, wanting to start communication/chats in which you "give him the green light").

That said, it doesn't mean he's not a serious prospect just as he fancies you physically - if you know your boundaries and he respects them and isn't pushy, then I guess just take things one contact/meet at a time?

Sounds like you weren't completely blown away - not a bad or a good thing, I'd just see if you can get to know him better if you want to?

Have you got any more chats or meets lined up?[/quote]
You're so sensible Spring, this is great advice

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards
Great to hear you are feeling better[/quote]
@FabulousMrFifty 🙂😘

Thank you so much everyone for your thoughts and advice! I really appreciate it.

@WeWantTheFinestWines

vangogh your sister sounds like a selfish cow. She does not deserve you, and you do not deserve to be treated like that. What a huge favour you did her, and how ungrateful is she!

So nothing like my upcoming house sitting situation, which I'm now hugely excited about, having met the couple and their animals (2 dogs, 1 cat, 8 chickens). Lovely big house by the sea, where I can take the dogs for walks, and fast wifi so I can work and watch films. It will be almost two weeks, which is a long time to be away from the DC but not long enough to be away from their dad. No payment involved, but they're giving me petrol money and stocking up the fridge (they asked what kind of wine I like - I said "the finest" of course😅) and I will look after their house and pets as if they were my own. Mid-Jan so may have to delay OLD relaunch as it's too far away from my home for that.

Are you SE? Would you like a house sitting gig with me occasionally?!!

@VanGoghsDog you would also be welcome to house sit too!! And both you and @WeWantTheFinestWines would be paid in the finest wines and chocolate and cake and cash.

The selfishness of some people!!!

Oh dear god. Florence nightingale mode reactivated. Have had some messages form MrBeau. I have gone full on Florence and I just want to go scoop him up and bring him home like a wounded bird and nurse him. Sorry if this is weird to some people but he painfully reminds me of my brother and I just want to look after him. Yes massive red flag alert and I should leave well alone. I just don't want to add to any of his shitty feelings. And so far I can't see any emotional blackmail going on (I've had this in the past), I think he's just being honest. And of course it does help that he says he really likes me.

Help. I need another lover to keep me distracted and away from this catnip. Or at least balance him out.

Despite me thinking Mr Tux would be pretty much unavailable this weekend due to all the birthday madness he has been super chatty since my heart to heart the other night.

Advice time if that's OK? Due to me pulling back, there's quite a lot of ... anticipation built up about when we get "quality alone time". While he has said (and I believe him) we can take things at my pace, and if I want to stop he'll do so immediately, I'm getting in my head about it.

While I've flip flopped in my head a few times on making our coffee on Monday closer to his, and just going for it, I'm sticking to coffee. But I expect the next time we'll both be far too wound up and no respectable place will have us.

So question one - it's OK for me to insist it's at his, right? I'd like my home to stay me and my kids home until I'm absolutely sure.

Question two - can you give me stories about things going terribly and still going on to have a longer relationship? I REALLY like him, we just share so many common interests and values so far and he makes me laugh constantly. So I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to perform, but it's... been a while... and I've got low confidence in that area that I can only overcome by getting back out there. All the mind work in the world can't fix actually getting back on the bike!! 😅