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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

970 replies

Shayelle2009 · 29/11/2021 08:37

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
17
VanGoghsDog · 04/12/2021 01:13

vangogh have you just finished a house/dog sitting scenario? I'm off to meet someone a couple of hours away tomorrow, with a view to looking after their house and dogs while they're away in January. I'll have to work from there, but it would be better than sharing a house with my ex as our alternative nesting accommodation is not available in January and February.

Sounds like a godsend for you.

I house/dog/chicken sat for my sister. Four hours away. The heating broke and could not be fixed. I've had two messages from her about it today that made me cry - it's like she's making out it was my fault. I called the plumber she told me to use, he came out four times and it wasn't til the forth time he diagnosed the problem. Now the problem is diagnosed she's asking why that wasn't obvious on the first visit (how the fuck would I know, I work in HR for a fucking bank!) and is saying she's not going to pay his bill. Which has upset me more because it was me who called him and now I feel like I owe him the money. It's £350. The actual remedy will be thousands.

It also cost me loads to go because I had a gig booked that I could drive to and back from home, but from hers I had to stay over, plus more fuel, and I had to arrange a friend to cover that night (told sister there was a night I couldn't do and she asked me to get someone else to do it) and get her a gift, plus I missed my work away day and Christmas party, three walks with my club and two other social events.

Also, her dog has hand made raw food I had to make every two days, it's disgusting!
And here she is sending me texts complaining about the plumber.

Do you know what - she didn't even give me a box of chocolates or a bottle of wine for doing it.
And I was fucking freezing half the time I was there.

Then my mum took the opportunity while I was there to use me as a parcel collection service to corale all her Christmas gifts for sister and her offspring, check it had all arrived, label it up so sister knows which is which. So hundreds of incomprehensible texts from my mum about bloody parcels while I was there. Calling me and sending me emails about it and just talking nonsense ("but your sister wouldn't have signed her surname would she?", She hasn't signed anything mum, you know she's in Cuba. "well did YOU sign with her surname" no mum, noone has signed anything".....etc etc). And yet no parcel at my house for me from my mum.

I feel better for that rant. But I'm fine now, I won't be doing her any more favours ever.

And I'm pissed off with MrWG (again). I sent him my Dec schedule which is admittedly busy, asking him to find a time we can meet. He said he'd try but he's also very busy. So two things - 1) he hasn't and that was this morning; 2) I'd quite like it if he could try to sound a bit more like he actually wanted to.

Went to eat and a gig with MrStone tonight. Was nice but I still don't fancy him at all.

StartingAgain33 · 04/12/2021 01:32

@VanGoghsDog I hope you don’t mind me saying this but your sister sounds a bit spoiled? How can she not see you’ve done her a massive favour? Did she know about the things you sacrificed etc?

StartingAgain33 · 04/12/2021 01:33

@VanGoghsDog how long have you been seeing mr wg?

VanGoghsDog · 04/12/2021 01:37

[quote StartingAgain33]@VanGoghsDog I hope you don’t mind me saying this but your sister sounds a bit spoiled? How can she not see you’ve done her a massive favour? Did she know about the things you sacrificed etc?[/quote]
She knows I had a gig, but I doubt she's thought beyond that, it won't have occurred to her that I wouldn't have needed to stay over had I not been at hers (hotel was over £100).
She also thinks it's a big joke that I go to these particular gigs. Takes the piss out of me for it all the time.

I think she thinks I have no life. To be fair, I don't tell her about my life because she never asks, she only talks about herself and how shit her life is (it's not, she's hugely privileged).
She thinks it's like I've been on holiday in her marvellous home. Because she doesn't work she simply doesn't understand work (my nephew told her he needs to work between Christmas and NY, because he's used all his holiday, and she asked why he can't "just move some stuff around"!).

Yeah, she's spoilt, selfish, narcissistic.

VanGoghsDog · 04/12/2021 01:38

[quote StartingAgain33]@VanGoghsDog how long have you been seeing mr wg?[/quote]
Ah, I'm not seeing him really. It's a very casual arrangement.

I guess we started hanging out a bit from Nov last year, but with covid etc, and we both had vulnerable people to worry about, nothing happened til about May this year when the rules changed on close contact in the home.

SpringlikeBunk · 04/12/2021 01:48

Sounds shit @VanGoghsDog, we have to just make sure you get some proper R and R and chill time in London in February! Wink

I've personally "left the ball in the court" with arranging with MrHedgehog for this month but am not checking in until next month if I don't hear (and will strongly consider rejoining apps etc).

Was chatting about Xmas plans with a mate and we agreed Xmas is just too "pressurised". Especially if you have a shit or traumatic family background it's hardly the most wonderful time of the year!

I'm not Scrooge, I like the lights and stuff and have been to a carol service, but also very good argument for "kicking the can forward" socially this time of year?

Even for the thread meetup, glad @WeWantTheFinestWines and @Isitreallyme177 suggested February for scheduling.

It just looks so much easier and is something to look forward to rather than cram into an already busy month.

VanGoghsDog · 04/12/2021 02:01

Xmas is too pressurised. Luckily I had already told my sister I'm not doing gifts, I've had enough of it. And a few weeks ago I told her I'm not going to hers for Christmas (and was then asked to justify my decision). Now I've decided I'm not going between Christmas and NY either, so I'll just be on my own.
But I have loads of plans up to about 21st, and I have NYE plans for the first time ever.

(Oh, yeah, I had to buy a heater when I was there, that was another £50, and I left it for her!)

Anyway, I'm off to another gig tomorrow.

Yes, looking forward to meet up in Feb (I've done some MN meet ups before actually).

StartingAgain6369 · 04/12/2021 06:09

@VanGoghsDog
I did totally feel for you reading about the stay at your sisters. 1st thing to say is you definitely haven't done anything wrong and please don't settle any plumbers bills.

I've heard similar stories from friends to what you have been through and my exW family was expert at this offloading behaviour trait

Stay strong, if it was me I'd be tempted to go NC for a while, but the main thing is go and have a fab time tonight at the gig, let your hair down! and let's us know how it went on Sunday Smile

Isitreallyme177 · 04/12/2021 07:43

@StartingAgain6369 I used to be able to wear them all day but haven't worn heels in almost two years (thanks covid!) so have no idea if I could still do that. Work has become much more casual since going back after lockdown so I don't even wear them there now.

justaddcandlelight · 04/12/2021 07:54

@StartingAgain6369 yes, I completely agree, if they were able to give back in other ways the no money thing wouldn't be a problem. I just don't want another child. I have a friend who ended up in this situation. He had no money and didn't drive, so not only was she giving him money every week she was also driving him around everywhere. I think if he had given back something ie helped around the house or DIY or something, it would have been more balanced.

justaddcandlelight · 04/12/2021 07:56

Ahh, I meant to tag @StartingAgain33 - sorry!

Shayelle2009 · 04/12/2021 08:04

Wow 5 pages to catch up on in the last 24 hours 🤣 incredible!!

@Dazedandconfused10 thank you and you too, good luck with yours! I’m feeling a little less stressed as my negative antigen test certificate has arrived so I can definitely get out there! Feeling quite nervous snd excited now. Good luck with your journey!

@Eesha just going for 5 nights, don’t want to leave the cat for longer, I feel so guilty and awful putting her in a cattery as it is, we’re so attached!

@Catcrazy83 thank you 🙂 I doubt there’ll be any romance 🤣 it’s pretty rural and you just don’t really see anyone about in France much. Just going to see the elderly Dad, not really on a manhunt 😬

Have a great weekend everyone! Your shoes are beautiful @Isitreallyme177 I lurrrve the pink ones 💗

OP posts:
FabulousMrFifty · 04/12/2021 08:49

Blimey so much going on
Interesting chat about money, I’ve always out earned my partners, but of course that’s changing and I see on the forum the women are more likely to be the higher earners now, fascinating stuff.

@StartingAgain33 I’ve read your comments about wanting children & frozen eggs etc, I take my hat off to you, incredible

@VanGoghsDog that all sounds rather shit, work for a bank eh ? Snap

@Shayelle2009 good luck in France 🇫🇷,

Coppers, I’ve know quite a few, but on a social basis, never dated one. (Might be interesting, women in uniforms and all that 😂😂)

I’m off for a hair cut, while I still have some left

Isitreallyme177 · 04/12/2021 08:49

Thanks @Shayelle2009 they were a birthday present to myself last year. I hope you have a lovely time with your Dad.

StartingAgain33 · 04/12/2021 09:22

@VanGoghsDog your sister sounds a bit like mine. Not the money aspect but the always talking about herself and thinking she has it really bad when she’s actually really lucky.

I really don’t like Christmas and come from a pretty dysfunctional family. This year for the first time it will just be me and my mum who I can’t be in the same room with for any longer than an hour without being in some way verbally attacked or getting into an argument. She’s racist, very very angry about the world and has no interest in me whatsoever. It’s deeply depressing thinking about spending it with her but also I wouldn’t want to leave her on her own as she would be hurt and offended and it’s just one day I guess. I have been wondering whether I can escape for part of the day to volunteer somewhere and feel like the day has been worthwhile.

JustThisLastLittleBit · 04/12/2021 09:26

My One That Got Away was a policeman. A truly beautiful man, I can still feel the buzz from when I first laid eyes on him over 40 years ago. Sigh. But he was new to the police at that point, and over the course of our 3 years together I witnessed the culture of The Job changing him, becoming coarsened to people and their suffering, absorbing racism and misogyny, drinking excessively to blot it out. He thought I was going to marry him, but I woke up one day and realised I couldn’t be a policeman’s wife, and that was all he was any more - he had been consumed by it and there was nothing left for me.

I’d love to believe things are different now, but…

StartingAgain33 · 04/12/2021 09:30

@JustThisLastLittleBit that’s really sad!

StartingAgain33 · 04/12/2021 09:34

@FabulousMrFifty thanks :) I definitely feel like times are changing. It’s an awkward transition at the moment tho - lots of men don’t feel comfy with earning less so it makes relationships difficult at this age. I’ve had it happen three times now where the guy I’m with is not earning a lot abs therefore is more like a teenager than an adult!

StartingAgain33 · 04/12/2021 09:37

@justaddcandlelight yes definitely. I’m pretty sure this guy drives (he’s from Devon) and he seems very domesticated etc. he’s also said he’d like to be a house husband which I’d totally be open to. On the other hand his is quite good - he’s a script writer with a big production studio. Not sure he gets paid that much but if his agent sells one of his scripts (this is outside of his salaried job) he’d make a massive load of cash so that would be good….

StartingAgain33 · 04/12/2021 09:38

Sorry I meant he has quite a good job, not he is quite good!

BelladiMamma · 04/12/2021 10:10

@StartingAgain33 for all my complaints about my ex he was absolutely in the driving seat about wanting DC (shame he then had to spoil it by telling everyone our first was a mistake, which was complete bollocks as his desire to have a baby was literally part of his proposal 'speech'). We always earned good money too so I was preggers by 32 and no money worries. We were lucky / both workaholics for a while. I have a friend who's just her second at age 50, using her egg and a surrogate mother. She's told me she's absolutely exhausted 😂

As for the MrBeau and his issues he was drinking a lot on our date and then went past a point where the drinking was helpful or fun. Other things came up in conversation that made me think he could be about to plunge into addiction to escape a few things. Either that or his MH is already so fragile he was showing those sorts of traits without being on anything. Hard to explain without having a F2F conversation with you tbh!

@VanGoghsDog I am so sorry that your sister and your mother have treated you like that. It's your money, your free time and your interests (which i share, nothing more life affirming than great live music).

@Isitreallyme177 I keep thinking I should wear my heels at home so I don't lose the ability to walk in them 😂

@Shayelle2009 everything crossed for your trip. You'll be so happy when you get there 😊

Am having massive pangs of parental guilt. I have a thing in London I really want to go to but DD is still ill after her jab. Aaargh what to do. My MH is really challenged by not having seen anyone again since chest infection and DD'snillness mean I have been isolated again for 3weeks ex for MrBeau fiasco date.

StartingAgain33 · 04/12/2021 10:31

@BelladiMamma wow that’s amazing about your friend - 50!! Stories like that give me hope. And she used her own egg? Incredible.

Oh I feel for you being isolated for ages. How old is your daughter?? and how Ill is she…? Do you think she’d mind if you had a day out?

@Shayelle2009 have a fab time away!

@VanGoghsDog I also share a love for live music. What kind is it?

justaddcandlelight · 04/12/2021 10:38

@StartingAgain33
This sounds more positive. An unexpected cash injection is always lovely on top of an okay salary. Money is such a tricky topic isn't it.

@JustThisLastLittleBit ahh, that really is sad. It sounds like it can still be a toxic culture within the force, which is so sad. Many years ago I used to work for a bank. If we had any police people coming in 9/10 it was to borrow money. I think there was a bit of a keeping up with the Jones's culture too.

StartingAgain33 · 04/12/2021 10:46

@JustThisLastLittleBit wow that’s fascinating about borrowing money. I can totally see the keeping up with the joneses thing

Eesha · 04/12/2021 10:55

With regards to the police conversation, I haven't had positive experiences so would always swipe left now. My friend works for the police and she said they were all having affairs in her department. Women tended to throw themselves at them. They combined with the recent news cases especially with the sisters whose pictures were shared after their death by police has given me a bad taste in my mouth. I appreciate its not everyone but in the fickle world of dating, its a no from me.

How's everyone today? I have a rare weekend free with the children so in our onesies doing a mass clean. The glamour!

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