Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@StartingAgain33

That’s really interesting *@BelladiMamma*, yea I think it’s basically impossible to handle that much grief at once. I lost my dad and my ex in quick succession and it was my dad that took the backseat as the ex was still there, we were arguing etc and trying to work out what to do, then we had to live together while working the notice on our flat, then I had to move etc etc - such a long drawn out process I didn’t have it in me really to ‘grieve’ my dad. But then I’d done so much grieving beforehand, I was just totally shattered tbh. I think I spent the next year basically floating in shock (and dating quite intensely - it was a promiscuous year for me!)

So it's now 2.5 years since I lost my bro and 2 years since separation from ex; got the divorce through in September & had court in June. Fell off horse and nearly killed myself in July. Pandemic. Dad has cancer. Mum has had heart surgery. Ex is an arse and DD bears the brunt of it.

Just massive relentless shit show that gives me about ten minutes to myself every day all of which are spent on mumsnet 🤣 or flirting with unsuitable guys 🤷🏻‍♀️

@StartingAgain33

What do people think about judging people on money situations? As I’m 37 and wanting a child I feel like I should be prioritising guys with their shit together, but I also don’t want to sack someone off because they don’t earn much if they’re lovely. I’m dating a guy now (for the past 2 months maybe) who I realised this week has not a penny to rub together. He has a great job now, not sure how well paid it is, and is starting to save. He’s had adverse life circumstances (looking after brother with cancer for five years) which I think had held him back. I don’t want to judge him on this but the reason it worries me is because he’s said he wants to be in a better financial position before having kids…. I do have my own house though and I reckon enough savings to have one so maybe he could change his mind on that as it’s just a practicality? It’s so early I don’t want to put a weird pressure on things by asking but it’s playing on my mind… he had to borrow £400 from someone this month to cover an unexpected bill which at 37 doesn’t seem ideal. He’s also been living in a very expensive flat in Hackney which he def can’t afford which seems a bit silly (he’s looking for someone here cheaper now; he said he just wanted to enjoy living somewhere nice for a bit when he moved to London six months ago)…

I remember you posting about this before. As I'm now through the other side as it were, I don't have any immediate response however I'd be wary of someone who couldn't manage their money. Rather than thinking about how much money they have? Also I wouldn't give up with when you have kids. People get scared off by childcare costs however it's more costly to your career and long term financial security if you so give up work. Believe me, I've spent 10 years doing research on the gender pay gap as part of my job. Keep working and bank all the benefits that you can

@BelladiMamma yeah that’s a lot. Sometimes life just keeps throwing shit doesn’t it. I honestly don’t know why it has to happen like this!

I’m very sorry about the suicide attempt and hope you’re in a much better place?

I think at this stage there is no rhyme or reason to anything. Do whatever gets you through the days (that is not self destructive!)

Shortly after all that happened to me (2017-2018) my brother developed a terrible cocaine addiction and ended up basically homeless (well not because I was paying for his food and home etc) and on deaths door. The rest of the family gave up on him. Another 2 years for me of frantic care taking and putting other people first. He lied so much and stole so much money from me before I realised what was going on, absolute nightmare. Eventually I helped him get clean. And now he’s just had a baby with a woman he’s been with for a year and seems so much better. Which is amazing. But here I am just totally drained from basically looking after man after man on deaths door. It’s shit. And he hardly even is in touch either, it’s like it never happened (and he still owes me £6k). I do feel very bitter about that tbh.

Just catching up. Has anyone had any positive experiences with men in the police? I've come across 3 on tinder recently (the seems to be a lot on tinder) The first guy seemed nice for the first few messages and as soon as he got my WhatsApp number turned into a total perv - it was really off putting so I had to block him. The second sneered at people who didn't have a lot of money and said lots of very derogatory things about them, I had to end that one there and then the third one wanted to tell me about how much of a slag his last girlfriend was and how she had 6 children and was a psycho. What's wrong with these men?
I dated a police officer a few years ago and ended it due to him being a homophobic racist. Where am I going wrong??

Definitely agree on not giving up work @BelladiMamma, I’d basically want to carry on freelancing and paying for childcare as often as I could in first year and then go back full time. I’ve also got enough saved for a years maternity leave.

@justaddcandlelight I’ve only had bad experiences. One was a policeman that groomed me when was 15 (!) and the other was a guy I met in the pub in my 20s. I went on two dates with him before realising he was married and had a new born baby. He was begging me to go back to a hotel with him!

My friend Joined the police force. He’s very clever and kind. Within a year he was angry at how many idiots there were there, but he’d also picked up loads of racist words. They disappeared once he left. It was a terrible influence on him tho!

@StartingAgain33

What do people think about judging people on money situations? As I’m 37 and wanting a child I feel like I should be prioritising guys with their shit together, but I also don’t want to sack someone off because they don’t earn much if they’re lovely. I’m dating a guy now (for the past 2 months maybe) who I realised this week has not a penny to rub together. He has a great job now, not sure how well paid it is, and is starting to save. He’s had adverse life circumstances (looking after brother with cancer for five years) which I think had held him back. I don’t want to judge him on this but the reason it worries me is because he’s said he wants to be in a better financial position before having kids…. I do have my own house though and I reckon enough savings to have one so maybe he could change his mind on that as it’s just a practicality? It’s so early I don’t want to put a weird pressure on things by asking but it’s playing on my mind… he had to borrow £400 from someone this month to cover an unexpected bill which at 37 doesn’t seem ideal. He’s also been living in a very expensive flat in Hackney which he def can’t afford which seems a bit silly (he’s looking for someone here cheaper now; he said he just wanted to enjoy living somewhere nice for a bit when he moved to London six months ago)…

I think I'd be a bit wary about the lack of budgeting. Although we all have unexpected costs. I earn a decent amount and am on the verge of earning a lot more, but I seem to end up dating men who earn less than me and it can be quite awkward. I already have children, so don't want anymore, but your wage will most likely drop when you go onto maternity pay, so keep that in mind. Money worries are not helpful when you've got a new baby.

[quote StartingAgain33]@BelladiMamma yeah that’s a lot. Sometimes life just keeps throwing shit doesn’t it. I honestly don’t know why it has to happen like this!

I’m very sorry about the suicide attempt and hope you’re in a much better place?

I think at this stage there is no rhyme or reason to anything. Do whatever gets you through the days (that is not self destructive!)

Shortly after all that happened to me (2017-2018) my brother developed a terrible cocaine addiction and ended up basically homeless (well not because I was paying for his food and home etc) and on deaths door. The rest of the family gave up on him. Another 2 years for me of frantic care taking and putting other people first. He lied so much and stole so much money from me before I realised what was going on, absolute nightmare. Eventually I helped him get clean. And now he’s just had a baby with a woman he’s been with for a year and seems so much better. Which is amazing. But here I am just totally drained from basically looking after man after man on deaths door. It’s shit. And he hardly even is in touch either, it’s like it never happened (and he still owes me £6k). I do feel very bitter about that tbh.[/quote]
Sorry there wasn't a suicide attempt - not sure where that came from? My horse and I had a parting of the ways when I got heatstroke ... and I banged my head good and proper ...

[quote StartingAgain33]@justaddcandlelight I’ve only had bad experiences. One was a policeman that groomed me when was 15 (!) and the other was a guy I met in the pub in my 20s. I went on two dates with him before realising he was married and had a new born baby. He was begging me to go back to a hotel with him!

My friend Joined the police force. He’s very clever and kind. Within a year he was angry at how many idiots there were there, but he’d also picked up loads of racist words. They disappeared once he left. It was a terrible influence on him tho![/quote]
Note to self - avoid men in the police. It's interesting you have had similar experiences. Isn't there a phrase as well about being in the police and getting divorced? I think because they experience very traumatic events they have shared experiences with other people outside the relationship, leaving monogamy low down on the list of priorities....

@StartingAgain33 I am very sorry about your brother. That sounds very familiar. I think MrBeau is on the verge of similar issues, I've seen it before and I wanted to scoop him up and help him out but I'm going to try to stay away from that particular catnip. I've just been hard wired for so long for someone to need me a lot, in ways that aren't necessarily helping me progress my life.

Oh god I read that as you’d fallen off the wagon @BelladiMamma - so sorry!! That makes a lot more sense I’m glad you’re okay!

It’s my life’s ambition to have a horse. One day….

@StartingAgain33

Oh god I read that as you’d fallen off the wagon *@BelladiMamma* - so sorry!! That makes a lot more sense I’m glad you’re okay!

It’s my life’s ambition to have a horse. One day….

Be careful what you wish for is all I can say 😁

I loved mine but they're expensive and can kill you 🤷🏻‍♀️

@BelladiMamma yes it’s so hard not to help isn’t it. I am definitely in that camp. But also, what am I supposed to do if the person I love has cancer etc? I’m in awe of people they can switch off.

Yes sounds like you need to leave Mr Beau to sort himself out. I think I’m sort of getting over my need to help now. I seem to have met a string of men with mental health or money issues the past few years and I’m honestly tired of it.

This bloke had this stressful thing happen this week where his landlord increased his rent by £400 and he’s had to start looking for somewhere new, and has been very anxious etc. I only found 3 Rightmove properties for him before sitting on my hands…

And found myself getting irritated with him for being so anxious about it / not having any savings whatsoever which sounds cruel but honestly is a good development for me. I’m tired of worrying about other people. My last boyfriend had perpetual neighbour issues whic were admittedly bad but he made them so worse by being a drama queen and accusing her of harrassment etc.

I don’t know where I find them! :(

@justaddcandlelight yes I keep dating people who earn less as well which I wouldn’t mind if they were happy to move forward with life but instead they’re all men approaching 40 who don’t have two pennies to rub together…

Or I meet very well off guys with serious emotional issues.

I’d rather a nice guy with no money if he was still able to contribute in some way but a lot of guys feel they need to be properly sorted before settling down!

@BelladiMamma what makes you think mr beau might have similar issues?

@StartingAgain33
You are young at 37, but I do appreciate it's a major concern and being male I'm not best placed to comment.

What I will tell you is when my oldest daughter started nursery there was a little boy in her class who's mum had him at 45, now I know 45 is towards the upper end of having babies but the difference with this lady it was her first, all the other mums it was there 2nd or 3rd child

Also I think you have been on this list much longer than me and with very similar user names I'll be more than happy to change mine to avoid confusion

Haha @StartingAgain6369 that’s very sweet of you to offer but I don’t mind, i think our names are different enough :)

Thanks for the reassurance on age, I am panicking a bit but tbh I have been panicking for the last four years and not sure it’s gotten me anywhere!

I’ve frozen 28 eggs which is apparently 95% chance of a live birth so maybe that’s good for taking the pressure off. I love the stories of women having babies at 45 but it is much more difficult and my fertility stats were ok but not amazing last year… they don’t really tell you much tho tbh and I’m glad at least I have been pregnant before (accidentally, twice!!) which is very reassuring.

I really like this guy and feel he’s a good, sane, normal, interesting and kind person. The fact he looked after his brother when he had cancer means we share a common understanding. So I don’t want to write him off for the money thing but equally don’t want to be in another caretaking situation again. It strikes me as a bit immature and naive that he would have zero savings at this age!

[quote Isitreallyme177]@StartingAgain6369 4 maybe 5 inch stilettos are my go to. These aren't even my highest.[/quote]
@Isitreallyme177

Wow, they are high, surely you can't survive all day wearing them?

@StartingAgain33

I tend to date financially sorted guys with solid jobs (grown up geeks) but as observed there are often issues then with lack of availability in terms of being workaholics!

That said your guy sounds cool to me?

I think nursing his brother through cancer is something that speaks very well of his character. If you got married and got ill surely you’d want someone who does the same for you.

And London landlords are sharks - unless you have family money it’s virtually impossible to buy even with a good job. £400 a month could be a mortgage payment on a place outside London.

As long as he’s generous with you and not looking to scrounge off you and if like you say he has a good progressive career path I’d be fine -

I’m in a similar age range to you guys and I think for us “millennials” we often tend to do things a bit later than our parents generation - 30’s is the age when we’re approaching settling down, especially if we’ve been doing the “professional qualifications” thing?

If he’s got a good job and isn’t in debt (I would be worried about this Tbf) if you guys made the distance relationship wise and teamed up (of course protecting your initial investments assets) you’d BOTH be sitting pretty.

@StartingAgain33
Thanks for being understanding about the username

I understand your concern regarding money but what I would say peoples career path vary massively and the cost of living is horrific which leaves little to save. Myself at 37 also had zero savings, owned the bank 1000s because I had set up a new business which was struggling to make a profit.

It’s true @StartingAgain6369 @SpringlikeBunk cost of living is so ridiculous in London, I bought somewhere this year with no help but only after years and years of really overworking (freelance) at the expense of my health! And doing things I don’t really want to do. This guy has prioritised what he loves and is now getting somewhere with it and it’s really exciting so in some ways he’s better off than me and def had a bright future potentially.

Thank you for the reassurance, I will tread carefully but It’s good to know it’s not a massive red flag. I don’t think everything has to be perfect before having a kid anyway and as long as he was okay with not owning his own place before having one (which would take him years and years to save up for) I don’t care at all!

@StartingAgain33

What do people think about judging people on money situations? As I’m 37 and wanting a child I feel like I should be prioritising guys with their shit together, but I also don’t want to sack someone off because they don’t earn much if they’re lovely. I’m dating a guy now (for the past 2 months maybe) who I realised this week has not a penny to rub together. He has a great job now, not sure how well paid it is, and is starting to save. He’s had adverse life circumstances (looking after brother with cancer for five years) which I think had held him back. I don’t want to judge him on this but the reason it worries me is because he’s said he wants to be in a better financial position before having kids…. I do have my own house though and I reckon enough savings to have one so maybe he could change his mind on that as it’s just a practicality? It’s so early I don’t want to put a weird pressure on things by asking but it’s playing on my mind… he had to borrow £400 from someone this month to cover an unexpected bill which at 37 doesn’t seem ideal. He’s also been living in a very expensive flat in Hackney which he def can’t afford which seems a bit silly (he’s looking for someone here cheaper now; he said he just wanted to enjoy living somewhere nice for a bit when he moved to London six months ago)…

@StartingAgain33

Have you ever considered going at it alone?

You could be perpetually stuck in the dating loop where the men available are not to your standard (perfectly reasonable), but a lot of time could be wasted....

Have you had any fertility checks done? This would be my first point call.

Childcare costs etc and thinking/planning for things that are so down the line at this stage...this is assuming fertility (both for you and your future partner). You may or may not have problems conceiving/staying pregnant.

I'm a single mother by choice so am speaking from experience, and in particular when it comes to dating aged 36+ when you're wanting to settle down but aren't meeting suitable men.

Thanks @Anthurium, I have thought about the going it alone option and admire those who do! It’s an option for the future but I don’t want a child enough to do it on my own I don’t think. That may change. I have frozen lots of eggs (enough for a 95% chance of a live birth apparently) for if I need ivf in the future, which I could use past menopause even (not that I would). I still have the 40 deadline in my headline for getting going but it is reassuring to know there may be a backup. I’m also open to other kinds of parenting such as adoption or being a step mother, I think?

@Anthurium my fertility stayed stable over the two years that I did three rounds of egg freezing. I may check again soon but in a way I don’t see the point. I don’t think it would chenhe anything and my amh was very confusing - it went up and down which apparently never happens… my Antral follicle count stayed the same though which they said I should use as the most relevant indicator….

@justaddcandlelight

Just catching up. Has anyone had any positive experiences with men in the police? I've come across 3 on tinder recently (the seems to be a lot on tinder) The first guy seemed nice for the first few messages and as soon as he got my WhatsApp number turned into a total perv - it was really off putting so I had to block him. The second sneered at people who didn't have a lot of money and said lots of very derogatory things about them, I had to end that one there and then the third one wanted to tell me about how much of a slag his last girlfriend was and how she had 6 children and was a psycho. What's wrong with these men? I dated a police officer a few years ago and ended it due to him being a homophobic racist. Where am I going wrong??

No. I've never had good experiences of men who say they are in the police, in a dating sense. And in a real life sense I've never had good experiences of men in the police. Especially as a victim of crime.