Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote JustThisLastLittleBit]@BelladiMamma I’m sorry if I’m being thick but what do you mean by ‘deep connection’ exactly?[/quote]
Someone that I really respect and admire and that I can be really open with. 🦄 basically

@Catcrazy83

Wow a lot to catch up on.

Re to sex chat, personally I’ve come across DE more than the others, or that’s the way I remember it, b’cos for me that’s by and far the worst. I think It knocked my self a steam when younger, and also gets painful as mentioned. Now I’m older and more self assured I would be happy to say, I’m done… good night, but back then I felt obliged to carry until they were finished. As harsh as it sounds any sniff of problems like that now (not just a boozy one off) and I end it sharpish. For me if the sex isn’t working, we might as well be friends, and I wasn’t OLD to collect more friends.

@Shayelle2009 glad you’re managing to get away to see your dad will you be on the look out for potentials & holiday romance?

@InABetterPlaceNow mr tux sounds like a nice one 🤞🏻

@BelladiMamma My 20’s sounds similar to yours, I don’t know if you could replicate that now, as things change when you have children, for me anyway, I know I just wouldn’t have the free time to sustain that again, it’s hard enough dating one, (with the view to it progressing into a relationship) when the assumption is they’ll meet ds at some point, whereas I wouldn’t want anyone not serious to ever meet ds. As @VanGoghsDog says, it’s much easier when it’s FB, take up much less head space when it’s just sex

You're probably right, but until I'm the position to have a relationship I'm going to keep looking for the unicorn 🦄 lover

[quote Eesha]@Shayelle2009 have a lovely time seeing your family. Are you coming back now before Xmas or is it just a weekend thing.
.
@BelladiMamma I feel quite tired and my arm is sore. Other than that, seems OK for now. I would say tiredness seems a common thing so allow for that if anyone is having it.

I'm seeing Mr Music next Friday and then will try and see him at much as possible over the following week as I'm child free. We thought we would make hay while the sun shines so to speak. Currently trying to find a nice, cosy pub[/quote]
Oh I'm so chuffed for you about MrMusic. Really rooting for you

And sorry you're feeling bleh

@Eesha
I had my booster this time last week and my arm was sore until Monday, they gave me Pfizer for the booster but had AZ for 1 & 2

Got a quiet weekend planned, DD 1 & 2 coming Sunday night then with me all next week, will to try and get all the Christmas shopping sorted and write some cards.

Had a works night out yesterday evening, it was great just to turn up and relax, we went to a Turkish restaurant then onto a pub afterwards.

Everyone who's got dates this weekend hope all goes well

This morning is 4 hr teams call with 60 + ppl ( on a comfort break)

B2b calls this afternoon, then overnight working sat night into Sun Morning, so that’s the weekend written off.

JKMN

@Eesha have a great time

@BelladiMamma I think your unicorn(s) plan sounds ideal in many ways BUT I remember you posting about irons when you’ve spotted their profile is active on the apps - are you really open to that sort of openness? I ask in good faith - as mentioned a few days ago my iron has laid cards on table very early on about us being very frank about what boundaries we might agree with monogamy not being the only option on the table. In many ways I think I could contemplate a degree of openness as there are kink elements and I’m a sex positive type and like to think capable of ‘grown up-ness’ BUT I also seek deep connection and am not sure that I could keep anxiety at bay in such an arrangement. We’ll be hammering this subject out a bit next weekend I think but it’s definitely an interesting topic for me. I have the connection, great sex, and mutual respect with iron - but will I develop feelings because of that which therefore preclude openness? 🧐

[quote ibelieveinmirrorballs]**@BelladiMamma* I think your unicorn(s) plan sounds ideal in many ways BUT I remember you posting about irons when you’ve spotted their profile is active on the apps - are you really open to that sort of openness? I ask in good faith - as mentioned a few days ago my iron has laid cards on table very early on about us being very frank about what boundaries we might agree with monogamy not being the only option on the table. In many ways I think* I could contemplate a degree of openness as there are kink elements and I’m a sex positive type and like to think capable of ‘grown up-ness’ BUT I also seek deep connection and am not sure that I could keep anxiety at bay in such an arrangement. We’ll be hammering this subject out a bit next weekend I think but it’s definitely an interesting topic for me. I have the connection, great sex, and mutual respect with iron - but will I develop feelings because of that which therefore preclude openness? 🧐[/quote]
Yes that's true. I think the being on the apps comment was more - why the hell aren't they messaging me if they're online?

Yes it's a difficult scenario to achieve. I know that but if I can find another grown up that I can feel passionate and feels that way about me, then I can mix it with a FWB or another lover / relationship lite then I'll be happy. I felt MrA didn't really give me his full attention when we were together but would be calling me all week. He was constantly in touch and I assumed that was because I was constantly on his mind but then we'd be together and I was basically being lumped in with the gang with no attempt to plan any 1-1 time.

With MrBeau he's just super vulnerable and I don't think he's grown up enough to offer what I want.

Back on Feeld this weekend it is. With very very clear expectations and honest conversations

Yes I think the thing that would trigger my anxiety was feeling like that person wasn’t giving their full “lover attention” to me. Which of course they’re not going to be able to if there are others on the scene. We can’t expect “full attention” in that scenario…

It’s definitely not easy. I’ve read books before on set ups such as Dan Savage’s ‘monogamish’ etc and am not sure I’d be able to handle it.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs

Yes I think the thing that would trigger my anxiety was feeling like that person wasn’t giving their full “lover attention” to me. Which of course they’re not going to be able to if there are others on the scene. We can’t expect “full attention” in that scenario…

It’s definitely not easy. I’ve read books before on set ups such as Dan Savage’s ‘monogamish’ etc and am not sure I’d be able to handle it.

Well, now is the winter of our experiments. If it doesn't work, at least I'll have tried

To paraphrase someone much more famous than me 🤣

My plans for the weekend are lunch with my mother tomorrow, then helping my ex sort his flat out again (he comes over to mine and says yours is always nice and tidy, well that's because I tidy every day) but he is cooking me dinner apparently. Then Sunday I have circuits then housework. My only meeting for next week has now been cancelled so I will also at some point this weekend arrange next week's catch up with Mr Cricket.

In other news both cats are happy in my room (I'm not as my room is usually out of bounds during the day but hey at least they are). Old cat is sound asleep on the bed and new cat is under the bed. They are in the same room, although I don't know if they realise it.

@Isitreallyme177 do you feel like you're going to enjoy seeing him? Will you get something out of it too? I hope he's figured out what he wants from your friendship as well.

Not that I can talk, I'm always hanging on for too long.

@BelladiMamma I always enjoy seeing him and I always enjoy his hugs. I want to talk to him about cricket and football and tennis, then pt sessions (as he has seen some of my workouts) I've been dying to talk to someone who is interested. Then bore him with pictures of my cats. He knows all this is coming 😆.

@Isitreallyme177 I would say be careful of again focussing on him when he's seeing someone else. Even if that doesn't work, he'll be on the apps searching for others. The danger really is him becoming such a big part of your world again that you don't get out there and try and meet someone more available to you. Really you should be talking about prospective irons on here rather than Mr Cricket I feel. I feel like he will end up hurting you somehow and you seem so decent. Sorry, that's my tuppence there.

@Isitreallyme177 have you decided not to say anything about how you feel about him then?

Today's message from MrBeau

'I'm still here. I just need a minute. Don't over analyse and make me spiral.'

Oh dear. My messages have been super straightforward- how are you? Shall we meet again?

His response screams vulnerability and not being very together.

But it's Catnip central for me!! And my inner Florence is waiting in the wings for him to tell me he's a wounded soldier and needs my help. Off to sit on my hands again.

[quote Isitreallyme177]@BelladiMamma I always enjoy seeing him and I always enjoy his hugs. I want to talk to him about cricket and football and tennis, then pt sessions (as he has seen some of my workouts) I've been dying to talk to someone who is interested. Then bore him with pictures of my cats. He knows all this is coming 😆.[/quote]
Is there no one else in your life that would like that sort of attention from you? You might be surprised how many other people would love to hear from you and let you talk about all the stuff you love

@BelladiMamma run screaming I say. You should be with someone less dithery.

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma run screaming I say. You should be with someone less dithery.[/quote]
Yes I agree. He's a nightmare. But a very hot one and he speaks French to me.

Have switched my Feeld profile back on.

Saturday night date with Ms Derry Girl has been cancelled to my great relief.

She is telling highly implausible tales of a breast cancer diagnosis and her mother having a fall and her daughter having to fly home from holiday in London the day after leaving (we are in Scotland).

Suspect a case of Munchausen Syndrome. She also revealed that she broke off an engagement 2 months ago.

Drama which I do not need.

@BelladiMamma I’m not sure about admiration as such but I see what you mean about ‘connection’ being mutual respect and openness. I don’t see that this is too much to ask; a person giving you the attention you want (in comms and in person) is just respecting you, after all. Provided you respect them back in the way they want, everyone is happy. When you said ‘deep connection’ I was focused on ‘deep’ as in deep feelings. These you actively want to avoid, at least for now, understandably. I think if you don’t get carried away, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t find what you’re looking for. Good luck!

It’s difficult reading about those who have been ‘pounded’ by men with DE. 😢. No person should feel they have to continue with any sex act if it is uncomfortable, painful or just unwanted. If a person doesn’t feel they can express this to the other person and be heard, the relationship is wrong in my book.

I meant to add: and if the other person doesn’t genuinely check that the partner is enjoying/actively engaging in the encounter, the relationship is also wrong.

@TobyEsterhase

Saturday night date with Ms Derry Girl has been cancelled to my great relief.

She is telling highly implausible tales of a breast cancer diagnosis and her mother having a fall and her daughter having to fly home from holiday in London the day after leaving (we are in Scotland).

Suspect a case of Munchausen Syndrome. She also revealed that she broke off an engagement 2 months ago.

Drama which I do not need.

Ooooh goodness me. I'm relieved for you. Wow. I would also not be inclined to believe all of that....

[quote JustThisLastLittleBit]@BelladiMamma I’m not sure about admiration as such but I see what you mean about ‘connection’ being mutual respect and openness. I don’t see that this is too much to ask; a person giving you the attention you want (in comms and in person) is just respecting you, after all. Provided you respect them back in the way they want, everyone is happy. When you said ‘deep connection’ I was focused on ‘deep’ as in deep feelings. These you actively want to avoid, at least for now, understandably. I think if you don’t get carried away, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t find what you’re looking for. Good luck!

It’s difficult reading about those who have been ‘pounded’ by men with DE. 😢. No person should feel they have to continue with any sex act if it is uncomfortable, painful or just unwanted. If a person doesn’t feel they can express this to the other person and be heard, the relationship is wrong in my book.[/quote]
I guess I meant deep enough to want to have sex with, not just have a coffee with.

@ibelieveinmirrorballs who knows but right now I am happy with life, work is going well, I am finally enjoying the gym again and my inner gym bunny is back, I'm in a good place. Why rock the boat and cause myself unnecessary stress and worry. I am going to do what I have done all my life and take things as they come (I am far too laid back for my own good apparently). If it's meant to be its meant to be, if it's not It's not and then I have a friend who can get me cheap holidays!

@TobyEsterhase

Saturday night date with Ms Derry Girl has been cancelled to my great relief.

She is telling highly implausible tales of a breast cancer diagnosis and her mother having a fall and her daughter having to fly home from holiday in London the day after leaving (we are in Scotland).

Suspect a case of Munchausen Syndrome. She also revealed that she broke off an engagement 2 months ago.

Drama which I do not need.

As per Iron Maiden 🎶🎶 Run to the hills 🎶🎶 Run for your life 🎶🎶