Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote BelladiMamma]@InABetterPlaceNow yup, it's properly hellish

Just off to light my Florence lamp 🤣[/quote]
Good luck!! Just don't give more than you have, and come up for air if things get heavy. If he's vulnerable, showing your own boundaries with love and care will help!

Self soothing with the fact Mr Tux said one of the things he likes about me is that I'm "mature". I'm assuming that's in that I'm quite good at articulating my thoughts, rather than looking old 😂 as I'm far too close to 40 and still get IDed 😁 If there's anyone I could over communicate with, it would be him. Time shall tell though.

@BelladiMamma, do you have an idea of what the best fit for your life would be right now? You often talk about how busy you are and obviously have your DD to consider. It seems from what you share on here though that you have actually been pretty invested in both Mr A and Mr Beau ahead of meeting them. Are you wanting casual? Or is it a case of hoping to find someone who you absolutely click with but you are both happy and fulfilled by what time you are able to find together?

@InABetterPlaceNow I am sitting on my hands now. He's such catnip I've actually just deleted the chat and his number because if he's as vulnerable as I think he is, I don't want to get involved

[quote Onesmallstep67]@BelladiMamma, do you have an idea of what the best fit for your life would be right now? You often talk about how busy you are and obviously have your DD to consider. It seems from what you share on here though that you have actually been pretty invested in both Mr A and Mr Beau ahead of meeting them. Are you wanting casual? Or is it a case of hoping to find someone who you absolutely click with but you are both happy and fulfilled by what time you are able to find together?[/quote]
Hmmm 🤔 good question.

I'll ponder as I don't think I have the answer.

You've framed it in a way I've never thought of.

[quote BelladiMamma]@InABetterPlaceNow I am sitting on my hands now. He's such catnip I've actually just deleted the chat and his number because if he's as vulnerable as I think he is, I don't want to get involved [/quote]
That sounds like the right call!!

@Heartbeats0708, feeling the love ❤️ I think you and I clicked a bit over the similarities with Mr O and Mr Cocky.
I was thinking about your situation ( and my own ) as I was driving to see Mr V this evening. And I was reminded of something my Nan used to say - ‘ don’t worry it may never happen’ I think sometimes we forget to enjoy what we have for what it is and worry or focus too much on how it may end or what might go wrong. It’s easy to say but I think we should try to enjoy the moment. If it’s meant to be, it will be. And if it’s not then better to have enjoyed it while we can and feel safe in the knowledge that we will survive and thrive because we have before, in maybe worse or more challenging situations.

@Onesmallstep67 so with MrA I think I articulated it quite well to him -

I want a deep connection but I don't want any ties. I'm not looking for a relationship or for monogamy. I'm not looking for regular contact. I'm looking for respectful, passionate lovers, maybe 2 or 3, who won't expect anything of me beyond what I give them in that moment

MrA failed on the contact and depth. He was constantly in contact with me but it created a false sense of intimacy as when we had sex, even though it was pretty good and we both enjoyed it, I didn't feel like the intimacy carried over from the conversations into the sex.

And now I've written that down I can see what a unicorn I'm looking for.

In my twenties I had a series of deep connections and love affairs but very little monogamy or expectations. I had the same 3 lovers for 3 years and somehow it worked other than when both of them came to the same social occasion and I had to choose who my lover was that night 🤣. Reader, I chose the poet who then died a few years later so I'm pleased I stuck with him as I still see the other lover as a friend and I don't have the chance to do that with the poet 🤣. I mean basically I wasn't into rules but I was in to love affairs Big Time.

I then married and spent 20 years in monogamy.

So I guess I am trying and so far failing to find the same thing as pre marriage

There used to be someone on here who posted regularly about non monogamy but not sure they have been around much since you became a regular poster @BelladiMamma. I think if you have had experience of that working for you then it’s very achievable. I think it works for quite a lot of people at the moment. I know I would struggle because I develop feelings for people and couldn’t handle knowing that they were seeing others.

I am home from my exile!

Re PE, my ex had this, and I do have views on it. I accept what people are saying about it meaning just "more" for them - but that only works if the man is skilful and if they are happy to stop when you've, um, completed your mission. It basically means the man has to be self aware and selfless.
My ex was neither so basically my cervix got pounded for hours and I got bored. And yet the trope is that men who can "go for hours" are great! Um. No.

But nothing I said to him would change his behavior. So I just endured boring (literally) and painful sex.

The key to all of this is her nest dialogue. I wouldn't want a man to think he had to pretend, but then I'd also want him to be in tune enough with me that he could feel how I was doing and stop when I was ready if he wasn't going to finish.

MrWG has ED, I'm 90% sure it's not physical as Viagra doesn't "solve" it, he does get erect, he does ejaculate, he just can't keep that "up" for PIV, so it's clearly a psychological issue. I do need to discuss it with him.

@Onesmallstep67

I’ve addressed this saying that there are other things we can do without a hard dick but I think that mainly involves him pleasuring me. I’m open to suggestions if I am being thick !

Well, there's always pegging!

I called MrWG from the car on the way home (he's still in isolation) and at the end of the call he said "buzz me when you get home to let me know you're safe", and I have no idea who was more surprised, me or him! Anyway, I sent him a photo of the huge pile of post behind my front door.

Once his Covid isolation finishes he'll pretty soon have to isolate again pre his op (assuming his Covid hasn't scuppered that), then he'll have op recovery, and with my busy schedule the chances of seeing him even this year are slim! (Unless he comes to me for post op recovery which would be lovely!)

@Onesmallstep67

There used to be someone on here who posted regularly about non monogamy but not sure they have been around much since you became a regular poster *@BelladiMamma*. I think if you have had experience of that working for you then it’s very achievable. I think it works for quite a lot of people at the moment. I know I would struggle because I develop feelings for people and couldn’t handle knowing that they were seeing others.

In my early forties I just had a list of guys I shagged when I felt like it. That's not what I want now but it's very easy to achieve. Even for someone as ordinary as me! But there was zero connection and no dating.

Mr Tux is freaking adorable. He said I'm a big silly, that he's ok with being told "no" and will stick to that as long as I need, and that he's happy for things not to be "easy" if they have potential, and right now this has potential.

Then told me to get some sleep. So sleep I shall.

Just going to sit on my hands from now and let this play out. I think I've made him prove himself enough now 🙄

@InABetterPlaceNow Mr Tux sounds like a great match for you in the intellectual stakes!

@BelladiMamma I do like your descriptions of these lovers when younger. It all sounds very romantic and bohemian!

@FabulousMrFifty I'm pretty sure one ex had DE. He had depression so couldnt get hard then took viagra and it went to the other extreme and like other posters described, it felt like a chore. I prefer the intimacy and connection in the bedroom rather than being pounded for hours which gets boring. He was happy because he felt this was what women wanted.

How's everyone's weekend looking? It's quiet for me but just has my booster and my arm is tender, hoping nothing worse than this!

@VanGoghsDog I could absolutely have those lists too. I get offers all the time. But I don't follow up if I don't have a cerebral or passionate connection as ultimately that sort of sex and time spent with someone is just boring to me. I know I might be being orally idealistic or unrealistic but I feel like I could have that again. And then one day once DD has left home I could maybe think about a one person relationship?

@Eesha without realising it at the time that's exactly what I was living. Later, I enjoyed monogamy and my ex loved the idea that he'd caught (& eventually controlled) this person that he always knew / thought of as a free spirit. I make it very clear to anyone that I'm starting to feel is worth my time that this is what I'm looking for. I think with both MrA and MrB I've been getting closer to it but I need the other person to be open to the depth of connection I'm looking for but also the no strings aspect of it. So yes, I'm searching for a unicorn 🦄 or three 🤣. My ex's ongoing control and expectation of me that I'm still his back up plan / plumbed in childcare come assistant come punchbag is extremely hard to shake off and as I said up thread I'm going to throw some money at it. Money which id hoped would be to pay the mortgage down but actually might give me the freedoms I crave.

@InABetterPlaceNow

Mr Tux is freaking adorable. He said I'm a big silly, that he's ok with being told "no" and will stick to that as long as I need, and that he's happy for things not to be "easy" if they have potential, and right now this has potential.

Then told me to get some sleep. So sleep I shall.

Just going to sit on my hands from now and let this play out. I think I've made him prove himself enough now 🙄

This is great. Hold on to that feeling and let it take you through the weekend

@Eesha also: sorry you're feeling poorly. That's rubbish. My DD has been unwell with it all week since her jab 😞

When's the next date with MrMusic?

My weekend plans are wall to wall friends but it means leaving DD on her own and I'm not sure I'm prepared to do that. Although the continued feeling of lockdown is doing me no good at all!!

Checking in all, I'm away this weekend so still no dates lined up for me except the date zero a week today.

I guess you could say there are 2 irons on the go. One I've had 2 dates with, it's very relaxed and casual, but we speak most days/every other day. And the new iron who I very much like so far. Hoping we click in real life too.

Good luck to all on dates this weekend!

I'll do a bit catch up of this thread whilst I'm travelling later!

Flying to France this weekend, all being well! Unless I’ve messed up on all of the tests and paperworks I’ve needed to source.
Family time 💗💗

Good luck to everyone on dates this weekend!

@Shayelle2009 I'm so happy that you're going. Have a nice time seeing your Dad.

🇫🇷🇫🇷🇫🇷♥️♥️♥️
💙💙💙🤍🤍🤍
🐓🐓🐓🥖🥖🥖
🥐🥐🥐 🧑‍🎨🧑‍🎨🧑‍🎨

Thanks lovelies! I’ll still be on here from France I’m sure 😬 while they’re watching University Challenge and god knows what 🙈

@BelladiMamma I’m sorry if I’m being thick but what do you mean by ‘deep connection’ exactly?

@Shayelle2009 hope you managed to get to France without any fuss! I'm travelling too, I've done all the paperwork etc but am still being so cautious! So much extra stress. But have a great time!

@Eesha and @VanGoghsDog sorry to hear about your bad experiences with viagra and your partners. I was a bit nervous about this but luckily Mr Beard tends to stop if he can’t finish and we have bouts rather than one session going on forever which does sound boring/painful.

I don’t think anyone should have to endure painful sex. Ideally our partners should notice if we’re not enjoying it any more but also I think we should feel comfortable enough to say if we’re not enjoying it anymore and they should respond to that immediately. If we feel pressured into it that’s a definite sign that our partner is not right or good for us. I’ve been in this situation in the past but now I’m older have more confidence and feel able to say stop.

@Shayelle2009 have a lovely time seeing your family. Are you coming back now before Xmas or is it just a weekend thing.
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@BelladiMamma I feel quite tired and my arm is sore. Other than that, seems OK for now. I would say tiredness seems a common thing so allow for that if anyone is having it.

I'm seeing Mr Music next Friday and then will try and see him at much as possible over the following week as I'm child free. We thought we would make hay while the sun shines so to speak. Currently trying to find a nice, cosy pub

Wow a lot to catch up on.

Re to sex chat, personally I’ve come across DE more than the others, or that’s the way I remember it, b’cos for me that’s by and far the worst. I think It knocked my self a steam when younger, and also gets painful as mentioned. Now I’m older and more self assured I would be happy to say, I’m done… good night, but back then I felt obliged to carry until they were finished. As harsh as it sounds any sniff of problems like that now (not just a boozy one off) and I end it sharpish. For me if the sex isn’t working, we might as well be friends, and I wasn’t OLD to collect more friends.

@Shayelle2009 glad you’re managing to get away to see your dad will you be on the look out for potentials & holiday romance?

@InABetterPlaceNow mr tux sounds like a nice one 🤞🏻

@BelladiMamma My 20’s sounds similar to yours, I don’t know if you could replicate that now, as things change when you have children, for me anyway, I know I just wouldn’t have the free time to sustain that again, it’s hard enough dating one, (with the view to it progressing into a relationship) when the assumption is they’ll meet ds at some point, whereas I wouldn’t want anyone not serious to ever meet ds. As @VanGoghsDog says, it’s much easier when it’s FB, take up much less head space when it’s just sex