Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@BelladiMamma

DE is Delayed ejaculation (male orgasmic disorder) is classed as either:
experiencing a significant delay before ejaculation or
being unable to ejaculate at all, even though the man wants to and his erection is normal

www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/

Something that I have certainly experienced as I’ve got older.

That’s a shame you felt you needed to fake it @FabulousMrFifty I certainly wouldn’t want a partner to feel they needed to do that (and am similar age). I’d be much more bothered if the sex was short than extended. My last iron suffered PE and it was a nightmare - I’ve never experienced it before but he was extremely self-conscious about it and it was really debilitating.

@BelladiMamma have you heard from MrBeau? How are you feeling about it all?

@FabulousMrFifty thank you I hadn't heard of that before. If MsW wants seconds can it be delivered from another one on the menu?

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I have had a sweet and very short saying nothing type message. I don't know what to think. I'll give it til Saturday I guess then if there's nothing more I'll throw him back and follow up the other invites I've had. Shame because despite his vulnerability I felt he was worth more of my time.

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@BelladiMamma

DE is Delayed ejaculation (male orgasmic disorder) is classed as either:
experiencing a significant delay before ejaculation or
being unable to ejaculate at all, even though the man wants to and his erection is normal

www.nhs.uk/conditions/ejaculation-problems/

Something that I have certainly experienced as I’ve got older.[/quote]
Ah Mr GN has this to a degree, to be honest it works in my favour IYKWIM and it doesn’t seem to worry him in the slightest. Sex is much more than ‘finishing’…

@BelladiMamma
Oh yes, other options are always available on the menu 😂😂

@JustThisLastLittleBit oh not just me then, if your not too worried, then maybe im just in my own head

Totally agree with @JustThisLastLittleBit - means you get more of a good thing!

Mr Cricket and I are currently swapping photos of the view from our 'offices'. His view from the sky trumps my view of the rowers on the river today
But equally we both had impressive views, although I only get mine once every few months.

@UtterSocks hey lovely! Nice to ‘see’ you ☺️ Congratulations on a year with MrG! Hope he is making you happy 🥰 If things change I’d 100% love to join the Thai adventure!! 🤩

@JustThisLastLittleBit I’m already there now, rural battleaxe who is only giving a damn about friends and family and pets! Can honestly say I’ve never felt more settled and at peace! I’m sure that won’t be forever but it’s perfect for me for now 🙂

@MayEye I am JUST like you always thinking the master manipulator is lurking in them. But 100% not every guy is like that. Trust and getting to know someone takes time though doesn’t it, as long as he’s not trying to rush you he sounds like a gem 💘

Interesting reading people’s thoughts on sex and some of the issues involved.

My iron Mr Beard (hopefully not the same guy as @UtterSocks’s Mr Beard! ) takes viagra for ED and was a bit self conscious about it at first but think I’ve been able to reassure him. We’re often having sex 3-4 times a night at the moment so sometimes we don’t exactly ‘finish’ and just stop and cuddle instead but it’s still nice anyway. I don’t think the current level of sex is sustainable in a long term relationship! But just enjoying it now before things either inevitably go wrong or calm down 😆

We had the STD testing talk and he has ordered a kit so that’s good.

[quote Onesmallstep67]@Heartbeats0708, I would imagine that what you are feeling are little pangs of fear or anxiety. I may not describe this very well but I think it could be the result of previous difficult or complicated relationships. I don’t recall your exact history but I think I’m right in saying that you have DC and I know that you were seeing Mr O (?) a FWB which also caused you quite a lot of mixed feelings before Mr D. You’re probably remembering other relationships that failed and fearful from a self preservation POV that you are missing something - a red flag - that should have told you this was the wrong person for you because you missed things in the past. So it’s natural to be on your guard and protecting yourself from further hurt or self admonishment that you chose the wrong person- again. The path for those of us with previous hurt or sadness, DC or complicated scenarios with exes is always going to be a difficult one to tread. No one wants to be hurt or vulnerable but there is always the risk a relationship will fail and when you trust someone else with your feelings you are always opening yourself up to the possibility that you will get hurt. So it’s easier to keep something back and that may be where the ‘ is this everything that I want ?’ feelings may emanate from.[/quote]
Just wanted to say a big thank you to @Onesmallstep67 for this insanely accurate post. I don't know if I'm more amazed at your memory or your ability to sum up my dilemma!!
I'm definitely worried I've missed a red flag, and terrified of getting hurt again, verging on avoidant/dismissive. No one would have expected my exh to behave the way that he did and although I knew Mr O told some tall tales, I didn't think he had it in him to treat me so poorly and be so genuinely nasty. I really questioned my judge of character, and my recklessness after him/before Mr D compounded some negative self esteem.
The 'sex talk' is really fascinating too, it's a huge part of the relationship to me and I'm not so sure it's as vital to Mr D. I wouldn't want to be in a low/no sex relationship. I like to talk about sex a lot and he doesn't really get involved in messages, which makes it more difficult to keep things spicy in between meets too but not sure how to broach it.
Nice to hear from you @UtterSocks and glad things are still going well, if slightly bumpy re ex and DD, with Mr G.
Thanks also to @BelladiMamma and @Naimee87 and @SortingItOut, I have a rare night alone this weekend and going to take some time out with my thoughts to work through what's going on with me.
Christ that's long sorry.

Just coming on here for a melancholy brain dump. My Facebook just sent me all the memories from my various wedding anniversaries and the one from ten years really got to me. I think I'm only now mourning all my broken dreams. I actually cried over my marriage and what I had hoped it would be. I haven't done that in years, if at all.

[quote Shayelle2009]@MayEye I am JUST like you always thinking the master manipulator is lurking in them. But 100% not every guy is like that. Trust and getting to know someone takes time though doesn’t it, as long as he’s not trying to rush you he sounds like a gem 💘[/quote]
He is a total gem who is happily going along at my pace @Shayelle2009 it’s me that needs to believe that some things are not actually too good to be true!

Those Facebook memories can be so cruel @BelladiMamma, ambushing us when we’re emotionally unprepared for them. Hope you feel more positive tomorrow.

Brain dump update. This whole thing with my ex has rocked me again and made me wonder what the hell I am doing with my life.

He's moved someone in within weeks of meeting her. He's got 'a new life' and has all the freedom to pursue his career and his love life. He can decide things at the drop of a hat and change his moods and his plans whenever it suits him. He's wealthy and privileged and well connected. He turns up here and when I see him he's still being fully turned out, not a hair out of place or a smear on his expensive car. I am not jealous; more stunned at the rubber ball like nature of his life and the way he's 'bounced back'. And at the same time I'm terribly guilty about choosing such a selfish person to be the parent of my children. Its mind boggling, the effort required to be in a marriage like that.

I don't feel like a failure but I feel at a complete loss. I don't want to meet anyone 'serious' but at the same time I know that if I had a special person a lot of this wouldn't feel so hard and so heavy.

@Stayingstrongish

Those Facebook memories can be so cruel *@BelladiMamma*, ambushing us when we’re emotionally unprepared for them. Hope you feel more positive tomorrow.

Thank you 😞

@BelladiMamma A lot of what you say resonates re my ex. I'm a little emotionally worn out right now (I'll post a small update in a sec) but though our situations are different, I don't feel selfish having their dad as their dad. They wouldn't be who they are without him. It's sad for them that in their case he has chosen not to see them. It means I have to take on the role of both parents. But they are still them because of him being their dad (genetics etc).

My ex got married within a year of us breaking up. I know he's still repeating the same patterns, and I feel sorry for her. He's very charming, so I don't blame her, but that's why I did all the work I did to not end up in the same loop again. He's not capable of feeling truly loved or connected I don't think. He uses people for what he can gain. I feel sorry for him too.

But no regrets. My kids are brilliant, beautiful human beings and dealing with what they have re their dad has shaped them in many more good ways than bad.

I'm still in a little tail spin re turning Mr Tux down, though he's been fantastic in his responses. I've gone down a rabbit hole of YouTube videos re Fearful Avoidants and have come to the conclusion that it's because I work on micro expressions and body language to help me trust peoples words and that's been missing. Especially as i haven't had enough face to face time to know him well enough on how he really ticks. So there's really nothing he can say until I see him face to face. It also suggests that over communicating is key for this attachment style.

So for better or worse, I've sent him a bit of a wall of text explaining some of that stuff. And that meeting on Monday for a coffee to talk it through would be really helpful for me.

I can feel myself pushing away. I made it clear it's all on me, he's been brilliant, and I understand if it's too much of my thought processes too early. He has been really emotionally intelligent so far (as well as actual intelligence ) so I'm hopeful it won't scare him off. I've said there's no rush to respond, tomorrow, or even Monday morning is fine - that just expressing my feelings means I can stay in a bubble of being hopeful he'll understand, but if he doesn't want to continue I'm OK with that too.

I've always thought I need to meet someone who i don't really care that much about Then I'll be much more secure in a relationship. He just ticks far too many boxes for me and I could really see things working out.

@InABetterPlaceNow I think we all totally need f2f contact and we've all been starved of it the last couple of years. So that plus your connection challenges are going to make getting back into dating tricky to navigate until you're past these first few weeks

Personally, I avoid too many labels but try to recognise patterns and when I'm responding too reactively or from a bad place. I tend to believe in people very quickly, maybe too quickly and that can backfire because I'll then work out we aren't suited or I'll stay in a situation for too long because something has convinced me that 'we are meant to be'.

Going into winter is never fun either. I am seriously thinking of joining a really expensive gym which I've been eyeing up for a while. It's so luxurious and 'extra' that going there feels like a holiday.
Mmaybe plan some treats for yourself before you see MrTux so that you're going in a positive frame of mind ♥️

And thank you for your comments on my earlier post. I just can't believe how this guy is like Teflon. Every time I see a politician on the tv I cringe because it's like seeing my ex. I mean the whole Matt Hancock thing was basically my life.

In other news I've just sent MrBeau a really honest voice note. He's just listened to it.

I'm feeling slightly sick. But at least I've been me

Hmmm 🤔

So he's messaged back. He loves hearing my voice. He's upset and scared about getting involved with someone. He apologises for disappearing.

.... tumbleweed. Oh god dating is hideous isn't it 🤣

I think he is basically way too vulnerable totally not ready and I would be a fool to get involved or pin any of my hopes on him. Full Florence flipping Nightingale mode activated. Now need to sit on my hands and do nothing

@BelladiMamma Thank you ❤️ Now I've said what I've needed, I'll just focus on me and my girlies. Meeting a deer friend on Sat who is always good to vent to and talk sense into me! Will make sure I build in some self care too. We'll see if he's still talking to me or if he now runs a mile. If he does run, lessons learnt!

Oooh an expensive gym sounds fab! You should definitely treat yourself.

Yup, ex is like Teflon too. I console myself that he's lost any connection with his kids due to how he is, but I don't think he cares that much in all honesty. He's missing a large part of the human experience though. Really loving and connecting with people. So as much as his life looks good on the surface, I doubt there's any depth for him. I want more for myself, and to be able to model that to my kids ❤️

@BelladiMamma

Hmmm 🤔

So he's messaged back. He loves hearing my voice. He's upset and scared about getting involved with someone. He apologises for disappearing.

.... tumbleweed. Oh god dating is hideous isn't it 🤣

It really is!!

Bleh I've pretty much done to Mr Tux what he has done to you I suppose 🤣😂 at least we've "known" each other for 5 months and been "properly involved" for about a month?! (Justifying myself).

@InABetterPlaceNow yup, it's properly hellish

Just off to light my Florence lamp 🤣