Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

God @Eesha what a freudian slip, I meant Mr Ginger! FFS, Mr Beard was the absolute arsehole mid-life crisis I dated ages ago! In my defence, Mr G does have a beard and is only very slightly ginger and I just think of him as my handsome beardy chap rather than a ginge! (which I don't mind either)

even so.... 🙄

@sortingitout @inabetterplacenow I also have monthly flipouts where I think things are ending / I need to end them based on something completely inconsequential. My anxieties seem to flare up and it's really misleading! I need to remember not to act on them or otherwise it is total self sabotage, but it's so hard when everyone says 'trust your gut' as I think my gut is quite misleading - it has been in every relationship, even with lovely guys!

This goes for people in existing miserable relationships wanting to leave, as well as those who are afraid to let their hearts be more open

@Eesha this resonated so much because I stayed far too long in a miserable marriage because of those niggly self doubt thoughts not to rock the boat.
I do have those thoughts now about Mr L - I keep thinking the real him is a master manipulator and he will show himself any time. But of course that is not likely and I need to actually believe that he is wonderful and he seems to think I am too

[quote Eesha]@UtterSocks Hello! I'm so pleased things are still ongoing with Mr Beard. Life always has the odd drama but are you both navigating it well?

Interesting @Shayelle2009 and @Heartbeats0708 about feeling daunted about things and letting those thoughts take over. My colleague says the magic words "when you know you know" and almost gives the impression that then things will be idyllic afterwards but I doubt that ever happens.

I think I've been thinking a lot because Mr Music is very smitten with me already and I do like him a lot but its incredibly daunting that this has happened so quickly. We both weren't looking for anyone to rock our world per se so both feeling quite nervous now. We've decided to avoid the long calls and just focus on meeting up when we can. I do find myself wanting to run a tiny bit because I could really like him. But what I've learnt through my recent therapy for travelling/flying is the only way to move forward in life is to face your fears and take a chance. So perhaps we should all really through caution to the wind and not listen too much to these niggly feelings which keep us in the comfortable, safe zones. This goes for people in existing miserable relationships wanting to leave, as well as those who are afraid to let their hearts be more open. Only then can we really grow as people. Sorry if it sounds wishy washy![/quote]
Right @Eesha I am totally with you. If we don't speak our truth / dare ourselves to be honest or brave occasionally then we never get anywhere. Eg I could still be sitting here harbouring feelings for MrA and hoping he'd step up - but somehow through telepathy!!

And you're tempting me to write MrBeau a short but honest message about what I'd like. I am legitimately bored of OLD now and really want to try to see if something might work with someone that I like. At least that way he'll know what's what with me and I'll be getting a reaction to my truth.

@UtterSocks

HI all - some of you will remember me from a while ago now - feeling all introspective as we come to the end of the year and I just wanted to check in and see how you were all doing in cuffing season. I can see lots of familiar faces are on the thread - *@Eesha, @Shayelle2009, @Heartbeats0708, @StartingAgain6369, @BelladiMama, @OneSmallStep67, @Sortingitout - sorry if I've missed any others I used to chat with. Does @HairyArsedMan* still pop in from time to time?

I'm working now but will have a catch up read through with a coffee this evening. However I can see the world of OLD is still as confusing and dramatic as ever, with the occasional success story.

Sorry to hear some of you are having a hard time - especially @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, sorry you have been in pain and struggling. Such a tiring time of year anyway. I hope you feel better soon.

Hope those of you with decent irons manage to negotiate the mental headfuckery that early stage dating seems to throw up and that those of you still finding cockwombles find that the next one you swipe on is a gem!

I'm still with Mr Beard - it was a year in October - and I love him, but it's really not without its dramas - mainly due to his entitled, overdramatic ex and issues with his DD. Sometimes I genuinely don't know where it will go as the pattern at the moment is ever decreasing circles!

I guess relationships are never easy once you get to a certain age/stage in life where there is history and there are exes and kids and other issues to take into the equation.

If this one doesn't work out I am going back to plan A and will sell up and retire to Thailand. At the moment the odds of me becoming a crazy elephant lady, riding around on a moped with dreadlocks and a rainbow sweater are about 50/50.

Anyway I wish you all a wonderful festive season and hope Santa brings you all someone perfect in time for New Year xxx

Hi 👋🏻 nice to see some old names on this OLD thread

(I'm here all week)

Wowzers well I've had 1 follow up date and a date zero request on the WhatsApp today. Both of whom are possibilities, one could definitely be a friend (MissBrazil).
Second one is a date zero and I've said unlikely to happen before January. I'll call him MrBlackheath.

@Onesmallstep67 Apologies I forgot about the ED, would your sex life normally be very good?
Sorry if too intimate but are you not having any sexual contact at all while he waots for his tests?

Could he go private?

I'm sorry to hear that this has been triggering for you. I agree that physical connection is a big thing in relationships.
It's good you can recognise the positives that Mr V brings to your life.
I could go on all day about emotional unavailability as this is something Mr K and I both have. Only time will tell whether he can meet your emotional needs.

With regard to time together I think Mr V works full time while you don't and therefore his spare time is limited and he spends what he can with you while maintaining hobbies and friends.
Its tricky when one out of couple has more time than the other as the hobbies/friends can happen during the day.

I'm not sure how old Mr V is, is he likely to reduce his work hours over the next year or so?
(I think you said before he doesn't own his house and wants to do that so maybe not)

I think alot of relationship problemscould be solved with more time and more sex, I definitely feel better and closer about Mr K when we have decent time together.

@Onesmallstep67
As man of a “Certain age”, ED is something that definitely plays on mind these days, as I in the age range for it, and what would happen and how I would feel if I did start suffering from it.

I found this podcast to be good listening (or not! )

www.balance-menopause.com/menopause-library/018-low-testosterone-in-men-professor-geoffrey-hackett-dr-louise-newson/

And I certainly watch my weight and exercise more now I’m older.
It’s a shame your partner is in an NHS waiting list as you can buy low dose viagra almost anywhere now.

@Eesha and @BelladiMamma - I flip both ways on the 'throwing caution to the wind' approach. If I had been less cautious for fucking years I would not have wasted my youth and early middle age married to a horrible cocklodging narcissist who hated me for fear of what lay ahead divorce-wise (something I still can't deal with). But if I had been more cautious about Mr G I wouldn't have ended up in this impossible situation (but would have waited, in vain, forever and ever, for a man with his qualities but who had miraculously divested himself of every previous obligation and erased his relationship history by a process of selective amnesia.). I also wouldn't have fallen for Mr Beard which was not my finest moment (even in a lifetime of many unfine moments)

I read something interesting which said that anxious-avoidant types like me often like to hedge their bets which is why for a long time I had tons of irons at any one time - so as not to invest too much of myself in one person. Maybe the approach for you for now is to throw a modicum of caution away and follow your heart, but keep some other options open? Personally I find monogamy with someone I love a bit of an emotional rollercoaster which I am ill equipped to handle some days. The hippy trail/mad old bat route still tempts...

@SortingItOut and @FabulousMrFifty, thank you for your responses. To address the ED first, the doctor has put in Mr V’s head that he needs to be checked for any more serious underlying problems as he went originally to the Drs with a gastrointestinal issue. The ED was discussed as a side issue. I don’t know whether he’s fudging things a bit with me or whether he is genuinely stuck in the NHS backlog. I do keep gently pushing it and it’s met with a mix of reassuring agreement that he also wants it sorted and a slight sense of ‘ stop going on about it’. I feel I can’t mention it on and on but no resolution means a state of uncomfortable limbo. Sorting there is intimacy and affection but only very fleeting action involving his penis. Although even the intimacy is not hugely sexual and much more closeness and affection. I’ve addressed this saying that there are other things we can do without a hard dick but I think that mainly involves him pleasuring me. I’m open to suggestions if I am being thick ! 😂
Yes Sorting his time is more limited than mine although I have recently been offered some work back in an education setting, part time in the New Year. It’s given me the boost/ impetus to look for other opportunities. Mr V is 57 and I will be 55 next year. I still very much have a strong libido and lack of sex has been impacting my self esteem a little although Mr V stresses it’s completely not me that is the issue. I’m not sure he’s ever been hugely focused on sex. He has had relationships, has an adult DD and has lived with women but never really the same long term commitment I had. I’m definitely the one driving the relationship along although he’s not passive. It’s more time and money that he’s lacking. It’s not all one sided though. And he’s brought a lot of laughter and consistency into my life. The pros outweigh the cons although sometimes I fear we are teetering on the friend zone /companionship if the sex doesn’t kick back in.

@UtterSocks Hey🖐, I would also like to join us as a mad elephant woman in Thailand if you go🐘

@Onesmallstep67 I was thinking foreplay and although alot would involve your pleasure what about kissing, cuddling, massages etc?

How lovely to have been offered some work in the New Year.

I think seeing how the ED pans out in the New Year is the way to go and after that some frank conversations might be needed, you only have to read threads on here to realise how no sex/lack of sex affects relationships.

[quote SortingItOut]@Onesmallstep67 I was thinking foreplay and although alot would involve your pleasure what about kissing, cuddling, massages etc?

How lovely to have been offered some work in the New Year.

I think seeing how the ED pans out in the New Year is the way to go and after that some frank conversations might be needed, you only have to read threads on here to realise how no sex/lack of sex affects relationships.[/quote]
Yeah, I’ve read a lot of those, some of comments make pretty uncomfortable reading, quite a few people seem to say if a guy can’t get an erection you should dump him.

Thank you @SortingItOut, I am looking forward to getting back out to some work and a new environment. It may lead to other opportunities and it will break the cycle of my self imposed 'retirement' .
I absolutely agree that a lack of sexual connection and intimacy can be a real drain on even the best of relationships. I think he's a bit embarrassed that it's happened to him. Early doors the sex was amazing and it was that heady mix of passion but also intimate. There seemed to be a shift and one or two excuses began to surface about worrying if my DDs would hear us although I have relatively big house and DD whose room is closest is away at uni. There is cuddling and kissing and some massages but when it's not leading on to anything else it can feel like the elephant in the room. And not to make myself sound like some sort of deviant but I have had a period of a wide range of sexual encounters and I quite like being a bit more adventurous. Again I have said this in a roundabout way but of course it's difficult to hit the right tone with this otherwise it could be construed as me saying sex with him isn't great - because it can be fantastic- and no one wants to hear ' I've had better'. The ED has to be addressed but I think in the short term I am going to focus on the quality of our time together. And enjoy Christmas.

@FabulousMrFifty, there are some pretty unpleasant people in other parts of MN. So harsh and hard line. The difficulty is at what point does an issue such as ED or lack of libido with a woman become a deal breaker ? If you fall for someone and like lots about them but sex is missing and you want it, can the relationship really survive ?

@UtterSocks welcome back! I hope that those ex/DD issues sort themselves out, such a shame when it's got nothing to do with the two of you really but it must really affect things. If it doesn't work out then dreadlocks and elephants sound great, especially at the moment with this weather!

last point from me, I also enjoy a bit of flirty banter and the guy to make it clear he wants me but Mr V is not like this at all - or rather very rarely. And I thrive on a bit of attention. Mr Cocky had the flirty gene in bucket loads, so did my last DP. They made me feel like a sexy goddess and whatever I had was like catnip to them. But both of those relationships failed because of unmatched expectations or personalities. It's so flipping difficult to find everything in one package.

@SortingItOut you are welcome to come on my elephant odyssey - I shall let you know when I finally snap and exit the UK for good! No men though.

@Onesmallstep67 you don't sound deviant at all. I also had a bit of a mad time last summer sexually - after a long sexless marriage then 18 months on my own it took a lot for me to finally sleep with someone but when I did it unleashed the beast in me! ATM I do have an amazing sex life with Mr G and I often wonder how I would feel if that waned - atm when everything else is so difficult it is one way to feel close so I do sympathise, but hopefully it can be worked out - especially if linked to something physical which can be sorted, and focusing on quality time together sounds a good idea. I do hope you have a lovely Christmas with each other.

Just getting over a bug (not Covid) which laid me low for 10 days so dating has been on back burner.

Ms Drop Dead Gorgeous is popping round for coffee tomorrow morning. She isn't looking for any commitment which is OK at present time.

Got dinner date with Ms Derry Girl on Saturday. This was arranged when I was laid low with lurgy and starting to go stir crazy. Don't know if we have much in common. She talks a LOT about her 23 year old daughter and her various health issues.

An old iron has resurfaced - Ms Blue Eyes. We have had some good chats which occasionally get filthy and have talked about meeting up soon.

Think Ms Blue Eyes is best mid term prospect.

[quote UtterSocks]**@Eesha* and @BelladiMamma* - I flip both ways on the 'throwing caution to the wind' approach. If I had been less cautious for fucking years I would not have wasted my youth and early middle age married to a horrible cocklodging narcissist who hated me for fear of what lay ahead divorce-wise (something I still can't deal with). But if I had been more cautious about Mr G I wouldn't have ended up in this impossible situation (but would have waited, in vain, forever and ever, for a man with his qualities but who had miraculously divested himself of every previous obligation and erased his relationship history by a process of selective amnesia.). I also wouldn't have fallen for Mr Beard which was not my finest moment (even in a lifetime of many unfine moments)

I read something interesting which said that anxious-avoidant types like me often like to hedge their bets which is why for a long time I had tons of irons at any one time - so as not to invest too much of myself in one person. Maybe the approach for you for now is to throw a modicum of caution away and follow your heart, but keep some other options open? Personally I find monogamy with someone I love a bit of an emotional rollercoaster which I am ill equipped to handle some days. The hippy trail/mad old bat route still tempts...[/quote]
Just nodding my head really and sticking some ticks in the margin alongside what you've written!!

I've recorded a voice note on a separate app for MrBeau which I've found really helpful before. And now I've sent him a message saying 'I've recorded a voice note but I won't send it if your head is somewhere else' type thing. The fact is it's impossible to make any progress without seeing each other and spending time together. And my time is so limited compared to his that he might just not want to deal with it

Lack of intimacy is very hard. My ex had ED/PE issues from almost the first time we were together in our 20's and we just never dealt with it. By the end he was blaming pornography for it but he'd also blamed me for not being sexy enough or my body not being beautiful enough after having children etc

@TobyEsterhase

Just getting over a bug (not Covid) which laid me low for 10 days so dating has been on back burner.

Ms Drop Dead Gorgeous is popping round for coffee tomorrow morning. She isn't looking for any commitment which is OK at present time.

Got dinner date with Ms Derry Girl on Saturday. This was arranged when I was laid low with lurgy and starting to go stir crazy. Don't know if we have much in common. She talks a LOT about her 23 year old daughter and her various health issues.

An old iron has resurfaced - Ms Blue Eyes. We have had some good chats which occasionally get filthy and have talked about meeting up soon.

Think Ms Blue Eyes is best mid term prospect.

I too went stir crazy whilst I was ill. Hoping something comes out of one of your meets that's positive and worthwhile

Hey @UtterSocks I remember you! Was @tigerdater back in the day… I’m still with Mr GN but a lot of what you, @Onesmallstep67 and @SortingItOut have said about the future and about sex resonates with me. Basically our plan (we have agreed it 😊) is to stick living apart together until the sex - which is still plentiful and amazing - dries up for whatever reason, then we will go our separate ways. I shall thenceforth be a resolutely single Home Counties battleaxe with dogs, chickens and no fucks about anyone except my DC and my friends. He will be a telly-obsessed alcoholic I fear. If the sex never dries up, great, but if it does - kind of, even better! I worry that this makes us both sound like sex-obsessed sociopaths but honestly, what’s so great about society’s expectation that a couple is tied together through thick and thin?

@JustThisLastLittleBit I love the agreement you have with Mr GN, I might raise similar with Mr K....too be fair we've had some minor future discussions and both are on the same wavelength so I think he'd be up for similar.

The Living Apart Together he is definitely up for (albeit he thinks we might live together when we retire😱, luckily nearly 30yrs away so no rush) and I think he'd agree sex is a huge part of us.

I'm definitely not prepared to do this relationship through thick and thin, I did too much of that in my marriage and compromised too much and it won't be happening again.
Mr K knows this and is in agreement having also had a crap marriage and another long term relationship.

Lack of intimacy is very hard. My ex had ED/PE issues from almost the first time we were together in our 20's and we just never dealt with it

I don’t suffer from either of those, but if anything (can believe I’m typing this), I’m moving towards DE, certainly when Ms Driver wanted to go for round 2 I had to fake it in the end as I couldn’t finish, I should have said no really, I’m 52 not 22, just did want to make her feel like I didn’t fancy/ like her or seem rude.
Meeting up with ms Wales next weekend and I’m feeling quite nervous already, what she think if I can’t perform 😞

@FabulousMrFifty

Lack of intimacy is very hard. My ex had ED/PE issues from almost the first time we were together in our 20's and we just never dealt with it

I don’t suffer from either of those, but if anything (can believe I’m typing this), I’m moving towards DE, certainly when Ms Driver wanted to go for round 2 I had to fake it in the end as I couldn’t finish, I should have said no really, I’m 52 not 22, just did want to make her feel like I didn’t fancy/ like her or seem rude.
Meeting up with ms Wales next weekend and I’m feeling quite nervous already, what she think if I can’t perform 😞

What's DE? Did you mean ED?

I am also very aware of that and I think it can be an issue especially if sexting / you've built up an expectation of 'just meeting for sex'. Performance anxiety is real and not always helpful