Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote Shayelle2009]@Caramelblonde they weren’t locals! 😟 more’s the pity.[/quote]
That IS a shame. Hopefully someone else will naturally come into your orbit 😊

I've had the worst pain today ever. At college as well. It was Absolute agony and was nearly falling asleep.

I've got my new medication now so I'll see how it goes ❤

Hey @Shayelle2009, they could be tradies working on a job local to you? Are you in London, love it when these encounters happen. @BelladiMamma hi👋your life is full on roller coaster, you have a lot to give to the right person, great stories everyone

@Shayelle2009
Go back tomorrow, you'll never know if you don't go and see

I wish I was brave enough to strike up a convo, let us know how it goes

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I've had the worst pain today ever. At college as well. It was Absolute agony and was nearly falling asleep.

I've got my new medication now so I'll see how it goes ❤

Hope it helps!

Morning all 👋
@Caramelblonde they definitely were. No I’m not in London, south east 🙂
@StartingAgain6369 I’m not the kind of person who starts chatting to other people either but it was the waitress. She’s a sweetie and I go in there a lot and she was laughing at something they said and then looked at me laughing and we got chatting. Wish that would happen more often!

Sorry you’ve been in pain @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards that must be awful. X

Haven't RTFT yet but it's a work in progress! I just wondered if I could pick your brains @SortingItOut as this struck a chord and I can't see my therapist for a week
I've been talking to my counsellor a lot about my relationship with Mr K and due to my past I know that I self sabotage and am constantly looking for red flags so I can end things because that is easier than having to throw myself fully into our relationship and allow myself to be vulnerable
I have similar feelings that keep surfacing with Mr D. I'm wondering, how do you know if it's self sabotage and not your gut telling you something isn't right?
Mr D is perfect for me on paper. We get on well, his comms suit mine totally, he doesn't smother me, the sex is fantastic, he's open and honest etc etc. Yet every now and then I get this "niggle" that we're not right and I should finish things. I'm on hormonal contraceptives so not sure if it's worth seeing if it's linked to cycles.
My gut is telling me it's because I'm youngish and the chances of it ending in tears is high. And that the alternative of not breaking up is staying together foreverrr which scares me too. Any thoughts?

Fwiw I’ve always had those feelings too in every relationship I’ve ever had. Makes you always wonder if you’re imagining things are wrong or if they actually are. Its very confusing.

@Heartbeats0708 Perhaps it's the 'too good to be true' feeling? Or i think in my case i'm far too addicted to the chase so when something becomes really 'perfect/too easy' i get bored and begin to find faults or develop a 'wandering eye' thinking perhaps the grass really is greener over there! But quite clearly what i've realised is i'm not in a position for a relationship right now and i guess this was my body/minds way of telling me i'm not.
@Shayelle2009 i think it's exactly these types of random chats that have been missing now for a while. We've been so disconnected socially for such a long time that we forget how easy it can be to strike up conversation with 'strangers' regardless of any 'motive' but just to be friendly. Everyone has been stuck in their little bubbles. I think the date '0' is such a good idea but in most cases with OLD the search is for more than a friend which adds to the pressure because you start off with hoping to have a connection. When you randomly get chatting to someone this pressure isn't there in the background.

Well i did get a lot of reassuring messages from magnet-man about the school stuff, he's happy to hear how the next three meetings go over the course of this week and next. Made me feel quite content after my wobble last week. Not sure when i'll be seeing him next though. And timing couldn't be more shit given my truck exams are next tuesday and huge project deadline in January which has to be set up in December! Everything always has a habit of being chucked at you all at once as well.

@Naimee87 I guess the only good thing about being busy is that can carry you through the tricky times of the school meetings and missing 🧲? And you're spot on with normal day to day interactions. Add to that for me at the moment I've been working with one person only on my last project, and she was very hard work towards the end of it.

@Shayelle2009 it's just a reminder to get out there and keep talking to people even random people you're coming across in that way. We all need more socialising

@Heartbeats0708 like Shayelle said, I've often had those weird thoughts. I think the only time I didn't have them was when my children were really tiny and until they were about 10/11 then it all started again with my ex. Which was why I think it took me so long to leave because I had to separate my usual questioning with what was actually going on. I think in this case writing it down or talking to a therapist about it can be really helpful as then you can compare it to reality. And track the cycles!

@Caramelblonde thank you! And welcome (back?) to the thread. I have a lot to give but I'm also conscious that I'm a bit in limbo land with this situation I'm in with an ex who just loves throwing rocks at me from the sidelines

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I really hope that the medication works. My asthma is bad at the moment, after the Covid not Covid chest infection and the cold weather

@Heartbeats0708, I would imagine that what you are feeling are little pangs of fear or anxiety. I may not describe this very well but I think it could be the result of previous difficult or complicated relationships. I don’t recall your exact history but I think I’m right in saying that you have DC and I know that you were seeing Mr O (?) a FWB which also caused you quite a lot of mixed feelings before Mr D. You’re probably remembering other relationships that failed and fearful from a self preservation POV that you are missing something - a red flag - that should have told you this was the wrong person for you because you missed things in the past. So it’s natural to be on your guard and protecting yourself from further hurt or self admonishment that you chose the wrong person- again. The path for those of us with previous hurt or sadness, DC or complicated scenarios with exes is always going to be a difficult one to tread. No one wants to be hurt or vulnerable but there is always the risk a relationship will fail and when you trust someone else with your feelings you are always opening yourself up to the possibility that you will get hurt. So it’s easier to keep something back and that may be where the ‘ is this everything that I want ?’ feelings may emanate from.

On the flip side I also think that some of us get a little bit addicted to the adrenaline rush that comes with meeting several people and having lots of sex. So suddenly when you put all your eggs in one basket you start to feel a bit twitchy or are expecting them to fulfil all your needs and if they don’t it may cause you to question if the relationship has enough in it for you.
I’m probably writing somewhat from the heart here because Mr V is definitely not making me feel the highs that I got from Mr Cocky (and many others 🙈😉 ) sexually but he’s giving me lots of consistency in lots of other ways. I’m playing the long game but I know me and at some point if I feel that it’s not everything that I need then I will sadly walk away.

@BelladiMamma and @Heartbeats0708 My 'dump Mr K' mood surfaces 10 - 14 days before my period starts (around ovulation time). I have a short cycle of 23 days so this mood can happen twice a month which is exhausting.
If you had asked me about it I would have said it happens at least every week and was a clear sign we weren't compatable but actually having tracked it I now know when it occurs and mostly on a Saturday when I'm less busy.
Having tracked it I think I can predict when it will next happen so will be interesting to see if I'm correct.

The internet says this 'Progesterone and estrogen, the primary female sex hormones, affect the parts of our brains which influence mood and behavior. So, as the progesterone in our body suddenly rises after ovulation, so do depressive feelings'

With regard to gut feeling or self sabotage I am 100% sure mine is self sabotage, what I have with Mr K is pretty much what I want in a man and in a relationship (except maybe a few weekends a year to do stuff ) but I'm so scared history will repeat itself I can't go all in.

When I talk to my counsellor about red or amber flags she sometimes asks me why the behaviour I'm describing has to be a flag of any sort...and she's so right, why am I constantly on guard and looking out for these flags?
Its so I can end things without having got too involved and it would also satisfy my 'too good to be true' worry.

I know you're young but I do think its healthy to recognise that some relationships don't last, too be honest I think the same and I'm 40, I don't know if I'll be with Mr K forever but what I do know is that I'll enjoy it while it lasts and if it ends I know I've had a great time and it will have reinforced exactly what I want and need in a relationship.

My mantra since I met Mr K has always been 'what will be, will be' and tried (sometimes unsuccessfully) to just go with the flow and enjoy it.

@Onesmallstep67 this is interesting because I actually really want to get past this initial rush / adventure stage but at the same time I know that I can't necessarily expect someone else to throw their lot in with me when I have so little to give. I mean, I'm free for one night once every couple of weeks and even then I can get called back to base for an emergency. In some ways, MrA meeting my DD was a really important and helpful step for me because I could see that he was going to treat the meet in the proper way - respectful and light - and that therefore my DD would see that she wasn't threatened by the relationship in any way. With MrBeau - and I know I'm massively jumping ahead of myself here - I can see that he's the sort of person that is more interested in a relationship (not necessarily with me but just in general) and that he would be more needy with me. So my DD would feel threatened by it. So yes we are all doubling back and thinking about past experiences but we are also going through all these scenarios and testing them against reality. I remember talking to MrA and how you're just meeting someone for a drink or whatever through OLD and then your head is going ah but would he pull me out of a burning building? And if the answer is no, then we say we need to go home and wash our hair 🤣. He said that he did exactly the same and thought it wasn't totally normal. It's something about the whole freaky challenge of being human!! We are capable of incredible feats of imagination and planning and that then comes into all our relationshipswhich when you're just thinking about whether or not you'd enjoy a lite version of a relationship with someone, can be a bit of a spanner in the works.

End of TED talk / brain dump.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards
Hope the new meds help you, sounds like you are having a tough time.

[quote BelladiMamma]@Onesmallstep67 this is interesting because I actually really want to get past this initial rush / adventure stage but at the same time I know that I can't necessarily expect someone else to throw their lot in with me when I have so little to give. I mean, I'm free for one night once every couple of weeks and even then I can get called back to base for an emergency. In some ways, MrA meeting my DD was a really important and helpful step for me because I could see that he was going to treat the meet in the proper way - respectful and light - and that therefore my DD would see that she wasn't threatened by the relationship in any way. With MrBeau - and I know I'm massively jumping ahead of myself here - I can see that he's the sort of person that is more interested in a relationship (not necessarily with me but just in general) and that he would be more needy with me. So my DD would feel threatened by it. So yes we are all doubling back and thinking about past experiences but we are also going through all these scenarios and testing them against reality. I remember talking to MrA and how you're just meeting someone for a drink or whatever through OLD and then your head is going ah but would he pull me out of a burning building? And if the answer is no, then we say we need to go home and wash our hair 🤣. He said that he did exactly the same and thought it wasn't totally normal. It's something about the whole freaky challenge of being human!! We are capable of incredible feats of imagination and planning and that then comes into all our relationshipswhich when you're just thinking about whether or not you'd enjoy a lite version of a relationship with someone, can be a bit of a spanner in the works.

End of TED talk / brain dump. [/quote]
Sorry he thought it WAS normal

@Onesmallstep67 Interesting post about adrenaline rush, I've spoken to my counsellor about this because at times I can find my relationship with Mr K boring.
What I have now realised is that what Mr K and I have is normal in relationships and is not boring.

I lived with my ex husband for 19 years and due to the emotional affairs and abuse I ran on adrenaline constantly.
When we divorced his behaviour was awful at times so the adrenaline was there again.
I then spent 18 months meeting men for casual sex, chatting on dating/sex sites and of course the thrill of the chase and the meeting got the adrenaline going too.

My life before Mr K was full of really low times with the occasional high time and I became used to that high and low. With Mr K we are just in the middle going about our business, no real highs, no real lows and it feels so much less exciting but I know this is normal and I'm trying to embrace it because running on adrenaline for years was not healthy.

Its hard not to look back wistfully on great sex and what happened before, is there anything you can say or do with Mr V that might 'set you alive' more?

I ended up falling asleep last night, probably exhausted from all my overthinking. Was briefly woken just before midnight, I'd forgotten that he had his hobby last night and he'd just finished. Apologised for how late it was, that he'd just finished and that he hopes I'd had a good day.

I was on the fence on replying or leaving it till the morning. The text just did so much to soothe me though and I felt like it was (hopefully) a good time to be slightly vulnerable and make sure he knew that a quick text like that really helped me because as I said before we don't know each other's communication styles yet. So I sent a quick reply saying I was looking forward to hearing how the hobby went, and thank you for touching base as in all honesty I'd been worried I'd upset him for opting out of seeing him earlier (but that he'd done nothing to indicate that, it was my own insecurity). Then that I was going to get some sleep but we'd speak soon.

He told me "I can assure you that you haven't upset me". Then said we'll speak soon, have a good night sleep and signed off with "Good night (pet name) (kissy face)"

I woke this morning feeling far less anxious. I think it was OK to admit I'd been feeling a bit worried? Also. Now the anxiety has cooled off. I think he quite likes me?!

@InABetterPlaceNow
Yes, he likes you 👍🏼
I crashed out on the sofa last night, went to bed about 1am and feel lousy now

I couldn't sleep last night, I am leaving my exile today but there's a lot to do before I go, none of which I feel like doing so am lazing in my pyjamas scrolling the internet.

I can't go too soon as don't want to leave dog on his own too long, but can't leave too late as am meeting a friend for lunch about an hour away. Best get dressed and walk the dog I suppose.

@SortingItOut, Mr V is caught up in the NHS extended waiting times to have some tests run to eliminate anything health related causing his ED. He’s very much someone for doing things by the book and won’t try Viagra until he’s been cleared to do so. I am in the difficult dilemma of knowing that I wouldn’t want him to walk away if there was physically something happening for me but also knowing that whilst our sex life is limited it’s not satisfying me. I have grown deeply fond of him, he’s got many attributes that I would look for in a partner but I’m not convinced that he’s as bothered by the lack of sex as I am. And it has a rather triggering effect for me because it reminds me of my late DH being poorly and of course the physical side of our relationship naturally stopped. It was a time when I felt I had to accept something out of my control and where no one would expect me to even feel impacted by the loss of the physical connection with DH. I feel the same now. Mr V has a problem and I would be a pretty shitty person to give him a hard 🤦🏻‍♀️ time about it. And after a pretty turbulent few years of living on my nerves with bereavement and a variety of sexual relationships Mr V has brought a welcome calmer period. It’s easy to say but the early part of next year should bring some change and I’m not going to destabilise things until it’s become clear if they happen. He is not emotionally available enough for me but maybe I’m just not quite reading him properly. My best friend says that she sees something special between me and Mr V and that he’s good for me. 2 years in and yet it seems to be moving at a snail’s pace. In truth I think if we were having sex and seeing each other a tiny bit more I’d be more than happy.

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@InABetterPlaceNow
Yes, he likes you 👍🏼
I crashed out on the sofa last night, went to bed about 1am and feel lousy now[/quote]
😁

Lots of coffee, then early night in order I think!!

HI all - some of you will remember me from a while ago now - feeling all introspective as we come to the end of the year and I just wanted to check in and see how you were all doing in cuffing season. I can see lots of familiar faces are on the thread - @Eesha, @Shayelle2009, @Heartbeats0708, @StartingAgain6369, @BelladiMama, @OneSmallStep67, @Sortingitout - sorry if I've missed any others I used to chat with. Does @HairyArsedMan still pop in from time to time?

I'm working now but will have a catch up read through with a coffee this evening. However I can see the world of OLD is still as confusing and dramatic as ever, with the occasional success story.

Sorry to hear some of you are having a hard time - especially @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards, sorry you have been in pain and struggling. Such a tiring time of year anyway. I hope you feel better soon.

Hope those of you with decent irons manage to negotiate the mental headfuckery that early stage dating seems to throw up and that those of you still finding cockwombles find that the next one you swipe on is a gem!

I'm still with Mr Beard - it was a year in October - and I love him, but it's really not without its dramas - mainly due to his entitled, overdramatic ex and issues with his DD. Sometimes I genuinely don't know where it will go as the pattern at the moment is ever decreasing circles!

I guess relationships are never easy once you get to a certain age/stage in life where there is history and there are exes and kids and other issues to take into the equation.

If this one doesn't work out I am going back to plan A and will sell up and retire to Thailand. At the moment the odds of me becoming a crazy elephant lady, riding around on a moped with dreadlocks and a rainbow sweater are about 50/50.

Anyway I wish you all a wonderful festive season and hope Santa brings you all someone perfect in time for New Year xxx

@UtterSocks Hello! I'm so pleased things are still ongoing with Mr Beard. Life always has the odd drama but are you both navigating it well?

Interesting @Shayelle2009 and @Heartbeats0708 about feeling daunted about things and letting those thoughts take over. My colleague says the magic words "when you know you know" and almost gives the impression that then things will be idyllic afterwards but I doubt that ever happens.

I think I've been thinking a lot because Mr Music is very smitten with me already and I do like him a lot but its incredibly daunting that this has happened so quickly. We both weren't looking for anyone to rock our world per se so both feeling quite nervous now. We've decided to avoid the long calls and just focus on meeting up when we can. I do find myself wanting to run a tiny bit because I could really like him. But what I've learnt through my recent therapy for travelling/flying is the only way to move forward in life is to face your fears and take a chance. So perhaps we should all really through caution to the wind and not listen too much to these niggly feelings which keep us in the comfortable, safe zones. This goes for people in existing miserable relationships wanting to leave, as well as those who are afraid to let their hearts be more open. Only then can we really grow as people. Sorry if it sounds wishy washy!