Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@SortingItOut Thank you so much!! It's so helpful to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this! I can absolutely spot that it's self sabotaging and as you say, me wanting to end the relationship before I end up getting too close or vulnerable (because I really like him - he's funny, challenges me on an intellectual level, great chemistry and now on top of everything seems to not be pushy and actually cares about my feelings!).

Yet it's early days and we have a lot to learn about how each other communicates - I feel like I'm going to do something wrong without knowing it / meaning to. Again, all trauma stuffs.

It's reassuring to know you've made it to 2 years! Gives me hope that even if it does work with Mr Tux then I could still find someone that it could work with. Uck, I'd decided I was just going to be single forever and then he comes and messes that all up

My counsellor signed me off a good few months ago (through the NHS) - the problem with NHS ones I've found is as services are limited I think unless you're really struggling, there's no ongoing support. Because I'm quite self aware I was essentially doing both our jobs and he was just listening and pointing out a few areas to validate me but I came across as more stable than I am I think! When money's a bit better I'd like to find some private therapy, as I think I could do a lot of good work there... and save you all from my ramblings

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@SortingItOut Thank you so much!! It's so helpful to know that I'm not the only one who feels like this! I can absolutely spot that it's self sabotaging and as you say, me wanting to end the relationship before I end up getting too close or vulnerable (because I really like him - he's funny, challenges me on an intellectual level, great chemistry and now on top of everything seems to not be pushy and actually cares about my feelings!).

Yet it's early days and we have a lot to learn about how each other communicates - I feel like I'm going to do something wrong without knowing it / meaning to. Again, all trauma stuffs.

It's reassuring to know you've made it to 2 years! Gives me hope that even if it does work with Mr Tux then I could still find someone that it could work with. Uck, I'd decided I was just going to be single forever and then he comes and messes that all up

My counsellor signed me off a good few months ago (through the NHS) - the problem with NHS ones I've found is as services are limited I think unless you're really struggling, there's no ongoing support. Because I'm quite self aware I was essentially doing both our jobs and he was just listening and pointing out a few areas to validate me but I came across as more stable than I am I think! When money's a bit better I'd like to find some private therapy, as I think I could do a lot of good work there... and save you all from my ramblings [/quote]
I have therapy and I still ramble here 🤣

I don't really use it to talk about OLD. I spend it to talk about the ex

Taking all my self control not to go back on an app before speaking to MrBeau. Really want to just focus on him and see where this is going. But my patience isn't great. Come on!! Call me!! 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma Not quite, though my best friend did say to bring him. However the following day is a pub meet for overseas travellers to the wedding. He and I planned to meet afterwards as it was just an early thing but he's going to come along for the last hour now.

Im hoping no terrible surprises before then....[/quote]
Me too for your sake. I mean, so far so good though and that's all we can hope for, right?

@BelladiMamma

Taking all my self control not to go back on an app before speaking to MrBeau. Really want to just focus on him and see where this is going. But my patience isn't great. Come on!! Call me!! 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️

As you said, you have 5 active chats already... you don't need any more Irons to distract yourself (said with love!!)

Doing a lots of reading tonight on fearful avoidant / disorganised attachment styles because that's clearly what's going on for me so can only help me to understand it better.

I stumbled on something about the liking him one minute and hating him the next. The person said to be kind to yourself, to call it safe / unsafe because that's really what it is 🤯

Just makes so much sense and I don't know why I didn't click to it before!! I've already been frustrated on how my feelings towards someone can change like that but it's nail on the head.

So when I say I "hate him" I actually mean he's "making me feel unsafe". And he's doing that by bloody well being lovely and I might get attached at this rate and then it might not work.

I actually feel a little less crazy now!!

@InABetterPlaceNow and I've literally got no time between now and Christmas. I've already mentally carved out time with MrBeau in my head ... and I can't really see myself going on any dates otherwise. So I'll just be wasting other people's time as well

[quote BelladiMamma]@InABetterPlaceNow and I've literally got no time between now and Christmas. I've already mentally carved out time with MrBeau in my head ... and I can't really see myself going on any dates otherwise. So I'll just be wasting other people's time as well [/quote]
Xmas is such a busy time at the best of times too! And fast approaching! And you don't want to have to write anymore cute handwritten notes for presents

I'd say stick things out with Mr Beau. If it doesn't go anywhere the apps will still be there!

I had a minor but nice encounter today, I worked from home but went to a coffee shop at lunchtime. Sat by me were two guys having a coffee, looked like some sort of trades. Unusually we somehow got chatting a bit and they both seemed like really decent fellas. It was weird as even before we chatted I felt a funny draw towards one of them. He was really nice. Anyway nothing happened and in the end I had to get back but it was just a nice reminder that anything can happen and I certainly wasn’t expecting to get chatting to a nice guy in there. I know it’s a real minor thing but it was cool. Not randomly met a decent guy in longer than I can remember!!
Boring inane story over 😅

Just realised I said ‘nice’ 4 times in that paragraph. How tedious 🙄

@InABetterPlaceNow I have now nominated you as my voice of reason. Thank you 😊Now where the hell is he and why hasn't he messaged me?

@Shayelle2009 I think lots of people would love to meet someone 'in real life' and that's been so hard during the pandemic. Maybe the apps also play to it and make it worse somehow?

@Shayelle2009

Just realised I said ‘nice’ 4 times in that paragraph. How tedious 🙄

I remember my English teacher told the class once that she was banning the word 'nice' 🤣

@Shayelle2009 the pub down the road does a working from home special (sandwich, drinks, free WiFi and a table with a plug socket) I keep thinking I should go down there some days.

@BelladiMamma Probably texting Mr Tux honestly grumble (I'm great at handing out advice to others, not so great at listening to my own advice to myself!!)

It was just unexpected.. to randomly feel a little sparkle.. I like those little unexpected things ☺️

@Isitreallyme177 can’t believe Angel’s on your lap already!! Made himself right at home eh 🥰

Ooh @Shayelle2009,I love reading this thread.You have to go again tomorrow for coffee,bet he's there just waiting to bump into you.

@Shayelle2009 I think he has and the other one has forgiven me and is now lying on my legs whilst I'm in bed.

[quote FabulousMrFifty]@illbeinthegarden
Which bit of Norfolk are you in, ( I was born ‘n breed in North Norfolk)[/quote]
Bit further down on the coast... past Great Yarmouth snd towards Lowestoft (trying to be vague but know you'll know 👍)

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]**@BelladiMamma* Probably texting Mr Tux honestly grumble* (I'm great at handing out advice to others, not so great at listening to my own advice to myself!!)[/quote]
Do you think they're texting each other 😊

@BelladiMamma Haha yup As he's awfully quiet too!! It's fine though. Pfft. I'm an ice queen and don't care a bit

(That was what i said in reply last night to the "does this mean we're now officially dating?" message he sent last night... "that sounds like it could be an OK thing. Or not. I'm an Ice Queen, remember? " to which he replied "Hahaha, you're as much of an ice queen as I am a [list of things he's certainly not])" Gah, it's totally me holding him at arms length then sitting here all insecure - need to get my big girl pants on!! Sorry mini rant over!!)

@Caramelblonde they weren’t locals! 😟 more’s the pity.

@Isitreallyme177 so lovely you have both of them making a fuss of you 🥰🥰

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@BelladiMamma Haha yup As he's awfully quiet too!! It's fine though. Pfft. I'm an ice queen and don't care a bit

(That was what i said in reply last night to the "does this mean we're now officially dating?" message he sent last night... "that sounds like it could be an OK thing. Or not. I'm an Ice Queen, remember? " to which he replied "Hahaha, you're as much of an ice queen as I am a [list of things he's certainly not])" Gah, it's totally me holding him at arms length then sitting here all insecure - need to get my big girl pants on!! Sorry mini rant over!!)[/quote]
I hate it 🤣🤣🤣 I really do

I mean what's the harm in a quick message ... 🤷🏻‍♀️

Still it was such a crazy night thanks to my ex MrB might have a lot he needs to process so I'd rather he did that and then message later. I just don't want the slow fade / ghost

@BelladiMamma Absolutely. And as you said, he's a little vulnerable himself... he's probably trying to be an ice king and doesn't want to come on too strong!!

Hoping he gets into contact soon ☺️

[quote InABetterPlaceNow]@BelladiMamma Absolutely. And as you said, he's a little vulnerable himself... he's probably trying to be an ice king and doesn't want to come on too strong!!

Hoping he gets into contact soon ☺️[/quote]
Anyway I wonder he and Mr Tix have to say to each other. Do you think they're agonising over Christmas presents for us 🤣🤣🤣