Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

[quote Eesha]@BelladiMamma I'm really glad Mr Beau came through in the end. Sometimes these dramas are needed to make you reevaluate your home life properly. I remember going to the cinema and my ex ranting drunkenly via text and ruining our night (such early days) but just made me think I really needed to plan for every eventuality.

I would also worry about the drinking thing but it was a weird night so see how your next meeting goes. I love your clothing choices! I'm pondering my next two dates with Mr Music, one dinner and one wedding party thing where he will be collecting me and potentially meeting my best friend. Previously was going casual but now need to look a tad nicer.[/quote]
And is MrMusic coming to a wedding with you?!

@Eesha Thank you! Aww what a lovely update re Mr Music! Your relationship sounds perfect for you right now. I hope it goes from strength to strength!

@Naimee87 That’s what I kept repeating in my head when I sent the text and waiting for a reply (I had wanted to say it via call - very unusual for me as usually I’m scared of the phone! - but it got too late). That if he got crappy about it, I’d be dodging a bullet. So far he’s been an absolute gent…

@ibelieveinmirrorballs I’m so sorry, when I replied from you before I blanked on his weekend (I was consumed in a self pity ball!) and my message was really off base. I think you are right to talk about it with him. It’s important for you to both be on the same page. Go into it with an open but wary mind I think. In person you’ll be able to tell fat more on where his head is at, and if it works for you.

@illbeinthegarden I’m so glad my ramblings helped in some small way! It’s so hard to readjust how you think about things / listen to your feelings and take action, it’s a constant battle for me at least.

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I’m sorry for not replying to your most recent messages. Things sound super tough and as I’ve had my own mental battles the last few days I worry that my advice might end being skewed. My heart goes out to you and I absolutely think getting support from the mental health team will help. The work I’ve done with various services has been brilliant for me but it’s still constant hard work.

@BelladiMamma Oof. I’m so sorry about how your night went! I’m sure I’ll say this many times over but it makes me glad ex is out of our lives. I’m glad things turned around a bit but obviously be careful of bonding over trauma! If he’s a bit vulnerable it could be easy to get caught up that. But you’re really strong minded and self aware so I think I’m preaching to the choir! Sometimes life sends the right people at the right time I think.

@SortingItOut I’ve had to accept that I have a disorganised attachment style too and it’s been going heywire today! I’ll post a little vent about it shortly if that’s OK just to get it out of my headspace. I like your thoughts on the word needy though. It’s true, we need to be kind to ourselves.

@BelladiMamma Not quite, though my best friend did say to bring him. However the following day is a pub meet for overseas travellers to the wedding. He and I planned to meet afterwards as it was just an early thing but he's going to come along for the last hour now.

Im hoping no terrible surprises before then....

Somewhat unsurprisingly, today has been a bit tough. My feelings are all over the place.

I was still super proud of myself all morning and hoped NOT to hear from Mr Tux so I could stay in that bubble without reading into whatever messages etc were said

Then something came up related to the hobby that I really wanted to send to him, so I did about mid day. Nice message back and asked me how my day was going so far. I said it had been going well and then went into almost but not quite sorry mode about not seeing him today. Basically saying I'm not sure if it was the right call but I think it is. He sent a lovely message back saying he completely understands, and he's simply arranged seeing his DD earlier so it's absolutely no problem. We finished the messages and went into a tail spin.

My immediate reaction was I hate him and I never want to see him again

Like... is this what normal people are like? Is he actually OK? Or is he actually mad at me? Or playing a long game? Can I trust this? Etc etc. Just a HUGE ball of ick. I had to sit for half an hour with my eyes closed and just feel into it and try to let it just be.

That all passed and then it was time to go pick up youngest DD and I'm fairly stable again!

I'm hoping I'll be OK eventually Ive learnt loads of tools etc over the years to sort through my thoughts and cope.

When it comes to Mr Tux it will end up being obvious what his motives are eventually. Too early days right now. I'm back to looking forward to seeing him, sigh.

Just to be clear, I meant I kept things together and we finished our messages with each other THEN I decided I hated him in my head Just in case it sounded like I sent that to him (once upon a time me might have been seriously tempted!!)

Did I read someone talking about Drive Thru Costa Coffee stores?
There is one on the A14 near Huntingdon that I use a lot.

One time I saw 2 people standing at the Drive Thru window !, and I’ve got a big arsed old SUV and they still didn’t move, must have had balls of steel

@InABetterPlaceNow

Somewhat unsurprisingly, today has been a bit tough. My feelings are all over the place.

I was still super proud of myself all morning and hoped NOT to hear from Mr Tux so I could stay in that bubble without reading into whatever messages etc were said

Then something came up related to the hobby that I really wanted to send to him, so I did about mid day. Nice message back and asked me how my day was going so far. I said it had been going well and then went into almost but not quite sorry mode about not seeing him today. Basically saying I'm not sure if it was the right call but I think it is. He sent a lovely message back saying he completely understands, and he's simply arranged seeing his DD earlier so it's absolutely no problem. We finished the messages and went into a tail spin.

My immediate reaction was I hate him and I never want to see him again

Like... is this what normal people are like? Is he actually OK? Or is he actually mad at me? Or playing a long game? Can I trust this? Etc etc. Just a HUGE ball of ick. I had to sit for half an hour with my eyes closed and just feel into it and try to let it just be.

That all passed and then it was time to go pick up youngest DD and I'm fairly stable again!

I'm hoping I'll be OK eventually Ive learnt loads of tools etc over the years to sort through my thoughts and cope.

When it comes to Mr Tux it will end up being obvious what his motives are eventually. Too early days right now. I'm back to looking forward to seeing him, sigh.

Right. Not sure I've understood, but:

You've been feeling a bit meh because of communication ups and downs?
You'd hoped to see him today for the child free / intimate time but felt it was too soon?
You're now feeling guilty about it OR you don't think he's communicated properly with you about the change of plan? So you're questioning his motives eg is it just a waiting for a shag thing with him?

If I'm more or less in the right ball park then I think it is absolutely normal to have these feelings early on, especially around the first sexual encounter. I read something really interesting once, I think someone like Virginia Ironside wrote it, it was about how you should only have sex with someone when that is literally top of mind and all that you want to do with them. To the point of it being you making a pass at them. I think this is a really good indicator of desire. I am definitely guilty of having had sex with a couple of people in the last couple of years that in fact I didn't really desire I just wanted to have a shag. I didn't feel ashamed but it really messed with my ability to figure out if I was up for a relationship with this person or not, I just barrelled my way through and then came unstuck fairly quickly.

With MrTux is it that you feel you should have matched his expectation / desire? That you want a relationship but not ready for sex yet?

Whatever the background is, it is totally valid to feel confused, uncertain and every other thing about feelings and sex and emotions. It's one of the most complex things about being human!!

There is no need to hate yourself, feel embarrassed etc. You're just being you and trying to feel your way into this relationship. You may or may not proceed. You may or may not like each other in a month or two. You may or may not have sex. It's all valid. Well done for sitting through the feelings and naming them though. We all need to do more of that!!

@InABetterPlaceNow I'm confused, why do you hate him? I think try and sit on your hands a bit. He sounds lovely

Hi all, checking back in as it's been a few weeks. Hope everyone is doing okay!

I could do with some advice.

I've met someone that I've decided to be exclusive with. Same age as me (37), it's been about 2 months now, and things are progressing really nicely (at a very measured pace - mostly because I was so busy dating other guys for the first six weeks I couldn't see him that often!). We have both said that our feelings are growing, and he has introduced me to a couple of his groups of friends (in a casual, non-pressured way), plus mentioned things like he's told people at work about me which I think is all good signs.

My one anxiety is about kids, and I wondered if anyone had thoughts. I told him I'd frozen eggs as I was feeling a bit anxious about getting too old a couple of years ago, which I guess means it's pretty clear they are important to me. And he has mentioned 'when he has kids he wants to move to the countryside' etc etc, plus alll of his friends have them and he talks about them a lot. So I am picking up that he is quite keen on the idea of kids too, and definitely wants them, but I also know he has said he is 'not in a rush to have them' and doesn't want to have them till he's sorted financially. I know he's a LONG way off from this (he has a great job, but no savings due to some adverse family circumstances and he wants to buy a place of his own - in London - which would take years to save a deposit).

I'm worried our timelines are very different given the above. But then again I know timelines can change if you fall in love with someone and they need to have them sooner (and together we could easily afford it as I have lots of savings and my own place which he could move into).

I feel like i don't want to put the relationship under unnecessary pressure by talking about these kinds of practicalities, as it is unfolding nice and naturally, and a couple of relationships have suffered from my previous anxiety about timelines. But I am wondering if I am being silly by not mentioning it upfront? I just don't want to look like I'm looking for a sperm donor. With him it really is more about enjoying his company rather than looking for a prospective father, and I probably would like a couple of years of enjoying a relationship before trying anyway (I know this is cutting it fine but I do have lots of eggs).

He's making all the right noises about looking at me as a long term girlfriend (and he has a good track record of long term relationships - although he hasn't had one in six years as he was looking after his sick brother who passed away two years ago). But it's quite early to be asking him these kinds of deal breakers questions maybe, if I've already indicated that kids are important and he knows my age etc?

WWYD?

We've got a drove thru Costa near my work too.😍🤩

[quote Naimee87]@StartingAgain6369 i promise it can be our (and ALL the other posters) secret. I'm partial to one of those cinammon swirls and a caramel machiatto. But with the weather plus these new variants terrorising us and once again showing how little impact this vaccine is having and the huge lack of drive-throughs where i am i'm hardly likely to get one anytime soon.
@FabulousMrFifty has this just happened to you? has a colleague left work... any reason? was it sudden and a shock? I wrote that a bit like he died didn't i.
@SpringlikeBunk i think only i have eyes for this tubby-trucker, i've yet to find someone who see's him like i do! Who know's perhaps you'll be the first! ...[/quote]
Haven't RTFT and off to a work Christmas dinner, just want to say that it's not true that vaccines are having little impact. They have been a complete game changer in countries that have been lucky enough to have them - and the lack of them disastrous for countries not wealthy enough to run massive vaccination programmes. NHS sermon over. As you were.

@StartingAgain33
I can’t tell you what to do, but if I was in his shoes, I would like you to make you timelines and thoughts 100% clear, and not just rely on him knowing you have frozen eggs etc.

@StartingAgain33 I would tell him and let him know that's what you are looking for.

Thank you! I know my thoughts are a little confusing and don’t quite make sense so I’m not surprised people are a little confused (just imagine how I feel! 😁). They are 100% trauma driven hence knowing I just need to label them, make sense of them and take what is TRULY useful to me / will protect me and let the rest go. Writing them down somewhere helps especially if people are listening so thank you for that space.

@BelladiMamma The communication from him has been brilliant. He had suggested the child free /intimate thing (a few days ago) as he was off work today and I turned him down on it last night. Which was a big deal for me to state my boundaries. It’s really comforting to hear some of the feelings are fairly normal and that’s a brilliant piece of writing. The thing is, I do actually really, really want to… I think it’s just scaring me a bit. I’ve not had this level of sexual attraction to someone in forever. I think I want to just enjoy the kissing stuff a bit more 😂 (I ended up being the one to initiate that as I couldn’t take it anymore 😂).

There’s a lot of abuse in my past around it. After ex and I split I was fairly active for the first year or two but all ONSs as I didn’t want any emotion attached. So it’s scary because I have the starts of quite a lot of feelings for him and I just don’t want to get hurt. I think I’d be fine, I was fine before him and I’ve been fine after all the other heartbreaks. I’m overthinking it I think which always trips me up.

I think just all give me a handhold if it goes terribly wrong and I’ve completely misjudged him (in a bad way!), please?

@Eesha Haha I’m confused too! It was only a thought for a minute or so. It’s my damaged self trying to shut him out and push him away so that he doesn’t get a chance to hurt me, honestly. I’m reminding myself that I can listen to that part of me, stay single and in my bubble forever, and I’d be “fine” but I’d be missing out on a big part of life. Hopefully once I’ve got this kind of stuff out of the way a few times and realise it’s not all terrible I’ll be OK!!

@StartingAgain33 I think I would talk about it with him too (congrats by the way!). Honestly, there's a risk of it never happening if he wants to wait until everything is perfect. The timing rarely is. And while it's nice to have the ideas he does, it will be far more important to the kids to have you both young enough to run around after them and enjoy life iykwim?

@WeWantTheFinestWines really sorry didn't mean to offend anyone, just more a personal view. Everyone is entitled to their opinions and choices here.

Whilst we are on the subject of naming feelings etc. As I haven't heard from MrBeau my fingers are itching to go check on my chats in Feeld 🤦🏻‍♀️

I've got 5 active chats on WhatsApp,
BeardFlake
MrA
MrBeau
MrChef
MrPoet

Do I really need more irons to distract myself?? Nope, I don't

Argh so it's been going so well, both cats have been happily sat in the same room on and off today. I take the new cat into the sitting room for a bit as I was in the study and old cat comes looking for me. Old cat has been getting lots of fuss made of her and was sat next to me through hollyoaks and Emmerdale getting lots of cuddles. New cat has settled on my lap, old cat comes and sits next to me on the sofa. Old cat then tries to move to my lap and assert herself by hissing at new cat. New cat hisses back. Old cat gets pushed off and is now sulking on her cushion. New cat is snoozing on my lap. I am being ever so careful that old cat doesn't feel pushed out but I feel awful now. I had to tell her off for hissing and trying to push new cat off my lap (she used to do this with her sister too, minus the hissing). I'm now questioning if I've done the right thing. 😭😢

@Isitreallyme177, it’s still extremely early days. All the signs so far seem positive. They are just getting used to each other.

@Onesmallstep67 he hissed at me when I went to wake him up just now apparently my lap was far too comfortable 😬. I'm impressed how they've got this far so quick though and madam spends the night curled up next to me on the bed so she'll be fine. I saw the lady from the RSPCA at the vet today and she said he seemed so much happier.

@Isitreallyme177 Absolutely normal in my experience It's their way of sussing each other out. Make sure you give old cat lots of strokes when new cat is there so they know they are still loved, alternated with stroking new cat so the scents mix. Letting one sleep on a blanket and then giving it to the other is helpful too, scents are big for cats.

Ours still go through phases (we have 3 at the mo) in a rotation it seems! One of them for the most part tolerates the others last but hisses if they invade her personal space. The second will either love or hate the third depending on mood. The third one (the kitten) loves EVERYONE and has no fear so doesn't care how the others feel, she just wants to be friends!

As long as they aren't hurting each other, all should be OK and they will learn to keep out of each other's way (talking opposite ends of the sofa rather than ends of the house!) if they decide not to be best buds.

@InABetterPlaceNow thanks I think they just got too close to each other and the old cat got jealous. The issue I have with old cat is that she won't let me pick her up or just randomly cuddle her, she never has done. It's only day 3 I suppose.

@Isitreallyme177 Yup, super early days - it sounds like it's going well! Cat one is just like that too, always has been. I guess she just likes her space! She has no concept of mine when it's bedtime though, she'll try to get under the covers with me and when I refuse always sleeps on my back of all places! Feels like a weighted blanket though so can't complain, it's quite comforting

@InABetterPlaceNow Not sure if you saw my recent posts about Mr K, I posted a week or so ago about how crap things were, I might end it blah,blah, blah and of course I didn't because I got over it.
I also posted yesterday to say having tracked my 'must dump Mr K' mood for the last 4 months I know its linked to my monthly cycle and I'm just going to embrace it,continue sitting on my hands and know by the next day the feeling will have gone.

I've been talking to my counsellor alot about my relationship with Mr K and due to my past I know that I self sabotage and am constantly looking for red flags so I can end things because that is easier than having to throw myself fully into our relationship and allow myself to be vulnerable. My barriers are up so high and I have huge fear about letting those barriers down even slightly.
Mr K and I are 2 years in and due to our pasts neither have put ourselves 100% in the relationship, it works well as we're on the same wavelength but I know this isn't for everyone, i mean some people are living together and getting married at 2 years - I can't think of anything worse😂

So if you've managed to read all that I just want you to know you're not alone and we all get random thoughts when it comes to relationships whether new or longer.

[quote SortingItOut]@InABetterPlaceNow Not sure if you saw my recent posts about Mr K, I posted a week or so ago about how crap things were, I might end it blah,blah, blah and of course I didn't because I got over it.
I also posted yesterday to say having tracked my 'must dump Mr K' mood for the last 4 months I know its linked to my monthly cycle and I'm just going to embrace it,continue sitting on my hands and know by the next day the feeling will have gone.

I've been talking to my counsellor alot about my relationship with Mr K and due to my past I know that I self sabotage and am constantly looking for red flags so I can end things because that is easier than having to throw myself fully into our relationship and allow myself to be vulnerable. My barriers are up so high and I have huge fear about letting those barriers down even slightly.
Mr K and I are 2 years in and due to our pasts neither have put ourselves 100% in the relationship, it works well as we're on the same wavelength but I know this isn't for everyone, i mean some people are living together and getting married at 2 years - I can't think of anything worse😂

So if you've managed to read all that I just want you to know you're not alone and we all get random thoughts when it comes to relationships whether new or longer.[/quote]
I'm definitely going to track my cycle next time I'm in a relationship