Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@BelladiMamma

Fucking hell. My ex has just tried to sabotage my date. Unbelievable. Hopefully it's still salvageable.

I'm so sorry!!

@BelladiMamma what the heck did your ex do? Hope he didn’t succeed!

Maybe I’ve been lucky as my irons so far have been into daily messages a few times a day. For instance Mr Beard and I will send a few messages back and forth most days about how our days are going, what we’ve eaten, general flirting etc.

@SortingItOut

Come on ladies, saying you are needy is negative talk. No one is needy, you have needs which doesn't make you needy. There are varying levels of needs and being at the upper end still doesn't make you needy.

If your communication needs are that you like regular contact then you need to make this clear at the start and see how the other person reacts.
It might be you compromise, you want every day, he wants twice a week so you compromise at 3 times a week or every other day or maybe he or you isnt willing to compromise so you let him go.

The right person who meets your needs is put there, don't waste time on men who don't meet your needs.

I don’t think it’s as simple as that - needy is a negative word I agree but those of us with anxious attachment styles may look inappropriately to new partners for excessive reassurance and validation. It’s not that you can’t - if you’re both rational - sit down and discuss this and reach a compromise…. but this is much easier said than done if you struggle with anxiety, fear of abandonment etc.

Wanting regular contact isn’t about agreeing a number of times per week, it’s often about wanting to fill what seems like a gaping chasm of uncertainty and sometimes the only amount of contact that would feel enough would come from a mind reading love bombing person with zero boundaries. It’s my aim to learn to assert my needs appropriately and with the right people who over time I can open up to more about my feelings and what I want/need. My therapist would agree with this - it’s not a partners job to soothe our wounds especially in the first few months, we need to take responsibility and learn to present to each other as adults. Or at least aim to…

@ibelieveinmirrorballs absolutely agree with this!

One point I wonder about though. While I don't think it's a partners job to try to soothe wounds, and if someone actively tries this I want to run away from them, do you think that's the same thing as Mr Tux for instance saying when he's going to be particularly quiet for a time? For me, that does a lot to set a boundary while also meaning the times this doesn't happen feel better as I have something to relate back to I guess?

I've had a lot of rubbish people in my life, so someone being considerate in this way feels like it helps provide proof that some people can actually think of other people's feelings. However now I'm wondering if I shouldn't internalise this... does that make sense? For what it's worth, I've not asked him to do it, but it does provide comfort.

Do you mean as in, him warning you in advance he’s going to be ‘off radar’ for a few hours/ day or two? Personally I would probably like this as long as it wasn’t too overt - I wouldn’t want to feel like someone felt they had to pussy foot around. It is considerate, I think, if someone knows you get anxious.

After the weekend of quiet I had with my iron, we had texts yesterday and are speaking shortly for the first time in a few days. I think he thinks everything’s fine, he’s still chattering excitedly about our weekend away and what ingredients he’s bought to cook for me. I meanwhile have catastrophised the whole thing, decided it’s over about 20 times, etc etc. If we make it away for that weekend, I will try to have allll the grown up conversations and make a call at that point. It’s not easy, this stuff. I also stopped drinking 7 years ago and definitely feel as though dating/attachment is a much tougher nut to crack and the feelings can feel very raw.

I think it's somewhere in the middle of both - I also really don't cope well with uncertainty at the beginning of new relationships - but I know the wrong person for me will likely leave me feeling very uncertain, whereas the right person will make it clear they like me and I won't be left guessing? This is where I think online dating really doesn't help matters, as the element of choice it introduces just dilutes the attention anyone could give anyone else. I'm not sure if I'm explaining that very well... But I also have now accepted that I'm not needy for having certain needs. And I'm an intense person, so if that's going to put someone off, best they know sooner! Because it will come out at some point...

Update on my disappearing guy... He reappeared, full of remorse and on the phone to me as soon as he could. Work situation got away from him and he didn't have his phone. He was still keen to meet but I'd lost the impetus and - as I told him - had to shift back from "fuck him" mindset which he took in good humour. So we're meeting next week when I'm next free. And I'll call him... Mr Newt. Very long phone conversation and he's made it very clear he's interested and sees potential, and isn't looking to date anyone else. Which could all of course be bullshit. But we'll see.

@illbeinthegarden you must be another Norfolk dweller then?!

@ibelieveinmirrorballs Thank you! Yes, I think it's considerate too. I just needed a sanity check. It's a fairly recent thing he's started to do, but it's felt nice. Yup definitely wasn't in a pussy footing around way - just a heads up and so I guess I know generally what's happening in his life.

Uck, it's so hard isn't it? Trying to recognise all the negative thinking patterns and recenter. Part of me wants to just give up as it's making me deal with all my crap, but I have so much fun with him and feel like there's so much more to learn about each other I want to try to keep at it a bit longer.

I'm sure you'll make it there! And it will be brilliant Worst case scenario you'll have learnt a lot about yourself (that's what I tell myself anyway ) Feeling that he is thinking everything is fine is a good thing I feel as it shows you're keeping the monkeys pretty caged!

I’ve just surfaced after a full on day at work, teatime dad’s taxi run and a meet up with the boys for a walk around the local park

@Isitreallyme177
Hope the gym went and the PT was kind, I’m sure you was good and concentrated on the session and not checking out who else was in the gym. What I would like to know is project management training easier in lycra !!

@Eesha
Ms Sunglasses has disappeared in the dating sense, haven’t heard anything from her in nearly a week and I’ve decided not to chase

@BelladiMamma
Hope your date is back on track after the sabotage attack, looking forward to the update later

Big hello to everyone else, loved the pet pics

@StartingAgain6369 I'm not sure kind would be the right word for leg day but it was fun. And yes there was someone nice in the gym this morning too 🙈. I got back with 10 minutes to spare so chucked on jeans and a wooly jumper and got completely distracted by the new cat who decided he wanted to learn project management too.

Hope your day went well and you enjoyed your Costa?!

@Isitreallyme177
It's the rules to get your pets in on the Zoom calls. Luckily I don't have to do many video calls now but my pets liked to get in on the act. I'm debating on if I should post a picture, they are quite unusual pets but lovely

It's fatal having a Costa drive thru en-route to work, I have tried to knock caramel latte on the head but my will power is lacking

Hmm. Mr Tux did indeed text after his gig, showed me lots of lovely photos.

I had to do something really hard for me. He'd mentioned he had tomorrow off work and wondered if we wanted to take advantage of me having a kid free house. I didn't want to share it before as I needed to sort out my own thoughts first. Taking it to that level is something I want to do, there's a LOT of chemistry there but it felt a bit too much like it would be squeezed in by the time I finish work it would have only given an hour or so (we hadn't got to the point of figuring out timings) - fine for later down the line 😂 but not right now. It also felt just a tad too soon.

So I was honest with him and said both. This terrified me. Old me would have done it in an attempt to keep the guy interested.

He said he completely understood, that he was meeting his DD fairly soon after that so was quite close timing anyway. Then asked me if I was free on Monday for a coffee I didn't think I'd see him again until the weekend after this one with all the bday plans. I said it "sounds like a date", and he asked if that meant if we're officially dating now which I guess we very much are!

I'm just quite proud of myself. I know that probably sounds easy to most secure people here but was a massive thing for me. And I'm seeing him again soonish! Yey!

@InABetterPlaceNow well done, I can see how it can be hard to push back on things and totally empathise with the whole thing about being too agreeable and accommodating. You did a strong thing.

@StartingAgain6369 bummer about Ms Sunglasses. Do you have other options?

Another day of messaging and calls with Mr Music and he has asked if I would be his girlfriend. Do people actually do that?....I said yes

All these positive stories about dates and irons moving forward and communicating properly with each other is so refreshing to hear! I can relate to @InABetterPlaceNow with worrying about keeping within my own boundaries for fear of losing someone's interest. But then their interest wasn't genuine if they aren't prepared to 'wait'!

I opened up to magnet-man yesterday about the school stuff and we exchanged a few messages quite late into the night! So even though he's LD i got the sense he cares and it meant a lot he took the time to let me know he's there. He's always calm and rational and i'm not always. He know's the both of us as he met my DS twice. He also grew up with just his mum who still sends him 'good morning' and 'good night' meme's everyday! I guess your kids are always your 'kids' 😂

Did i miss an update from @BelladiMamma?

@StartingAgain6369 did you say its a drive-through Costa? This exists outside of the loopiest country in the world? Woah didn't know that!

@Eesha your update has made my day! 🥳🥳🥳

Ahhh that’s lovely @Eesha! How are you feeling about it? What did you say??
@Naimee87 nice that you opened up to him and hopefully felt his care 🙂

@InABetterPlaceNow

Hmm. Mr Tux did indeed text after his gig, showed me lots of lovely photos.

I had to do something really hard for me. He'd mentioned he had tomorrow off work and wondered if we wanted to take advantage of me having a kid free house. I didn't want to share it before as I needed to sort out my own thoughts first. Taking it to that level is something I want to do, there's a LOT of chemistry there but it felt a bit too much like it would be squeezed in by the time I finish work it would have only given an hour or so (we hadn't got to the point of figuring out timings) - fine for later down the line 😂 but not right now. It also felt just a tad too soon.

So I was honest with him and said both. This terrified me. Old me would have done it in an attempt to keep the guy interested.

He said he completely understood, that he was meeting his DD fairly soon after that so was quite close timing anyway. Then asked me if I was free on Monday for a coffee I didn't think I'd see him again until the weekend after this one with all the bday plans. I said it "sounds like a date", and he asked if that meant if we're officially dating now which I guess we very much are!

I'm just quite proud of myself. I know that probably sounds easy to most secure people here but was a massive thing for me. And I'm seeing him again soonish! Yey!

That’s great - well done putting your boundaries down! I think you definitely made the right call in that it would be fine for further down the line but not for the first time with someone. All very exciting and his response sounds perfect. 🥰

@Eesha that’s very lovely too - if very quick! I can’t imagine saying that to someone after one date… certainly the other way around, I’d think they’d run a mile… although as mentioned previously I have mountains of attachment issues to work through.

I had a long phone chat with my iron last night which was v good post ‘the weekend’ and lots of planning for our trip away, which I now feel far less anxious about. However - my sense is that something did happen with the friend (he’s free to do that as we are not in a committed relationship) and on our next meet we definitely need to have the hard conversation about what we’re doing, etc. As he lives 2 hours away we’d always been quite upfront about it not necessarily being a traditional relationship set up and neither of us are looking for anything heavier than what works in our child free time etc. BUT this ‘quiet period’ whilst the friend was staying did not work for me at all and I need to articulate that as part of whatever conversation we have about what “this” is and where we’re headed.

Glad MrNewt reappeared @Misty9 🙂

Can anyone help me quote people?

Misty... yes a Norfolk dweller indeed! Lucky to be right on top of the beach! I really love living here but don't actually know much about football! Sorry Mrfifty 😀

Can't remember who talked about boundaries below but it's given me the motivation to address the issue with Mr34. I think I'm just waiting around for any scrap of attention from him cause he's so keen and complimentary when we are together! Feel like I've ignored the red flags 🚩 lots of attention hook me in then pulls back making me feel shit! I recognise it and have been ignoring it! I need to bin him off!

Have been chatting to a guy in tinder though who isn't my type and a self claimed nerd! He seems nice though I think I'll keep on chatting!

Inabetterplacenow your post has helped me this morning thank you 😊

I would love to live in Norfolk! How lovely. Extended family used to have a cottage there and I remember going for coast walks and crab fishing. I want to go back now 🥲

@VanGoghsDog I meant to thank you and reply to your comments on the last thread about my situation.

Definitely taken a lot of them on board but in his defence he has not been love bomby at all other then this one mention of where we might be headed - and that was after what felt like about 8 dates rolled into one 24hr first date. Other than that he is consistent with communication but not excessive, has not said anything OTT about feelings, no future faking etc or talk of how he’d love to take me here, there etc. I do however fully recognise the fidelity red flag and will discuss this (probably reaching a conclusion one way or the other) next time we meet.

@Heartbeats0708

I know it's hard *@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards* really I do. When my condition flares I feel much the same. I don't even want to move, never mind think about tomorrow or beyond. It debilitating, depressing and frankly makes me angry. I feel like opportunities are taken away from me and I'm terrified of becoming/being a burden. A good support network is invaluable to me; I don't like to drop too much on Mr D as it's relatively early days, and getting different perspectives can be helpful (RL or online friends). I'm only thirty one too. This is a positive statement though " I should be out there enjoying life"- *@BelladiMamma* made a lot of sense when she talked about doing something small every day to reach her life goals and I think that's something most can aspire to- even if the life goal is simply to be happy and maintain health to the best of our ability. . I'll stop rambling now but my inbox is open!

Hi @Heartbeats. Sorry for the late reply, I was out at book club last night.

Thank you so much for this post. You've captured how I'm feeling at the moment perfectly.

I'm really sorry you're going though this too. It's horrible us both being young women and having this happening.

I have a good support network too. I'm close to my mum, and my Nan and uncle who I see regularly. I've got good friends too.

It would be lovely to have a partner, but I've realised that it's not the right time for that right now. I want to get my physical and mental health sorted so I can enjoy the dating experience when I'm ready.

Like you, I worry about being a burden to a potential partner as well, and also worry about them potentially being a carer, but I think the right person will see past that.

Sending you lots of love ❤️

@BelladiMamma thank you so much too, for telling me about your health struggles. ❤️

@Eesha that’s lovely news! Sweet that he put it into words.