Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Sorry Sorting I think it was you who said that. To lazy to scroll back through to check 🙂

@Shayelle2009 going to download it!!!

@FabulousMrFifty my cat has a slice of ham every lunchtime, it’s her little treat and she gets the right hump if I forget to buy any 😱

Let me know what you think @Eesha! I dont know how I survived without it 🙂

[quote Eesha]@illbeinthegarden I think it really depends on what suits you rather than what's normal. I like regular chat and my current iron has messaged or called me every day since Friday (date 1). I would say I am needy and want contact and I make it clear regular communication is a must, at least every 2 days[/quote]
Thank you 😊 I am quite needy I think and think if they haven't texted they aren't bothered but I have friends who could go a week and not care! I'm talking to others but it's always the one you wanna hear from that is elusive 😂

I know this guy isn't mr right but he could be mr right now lol

[quote Shayelle2009]@FabulousMrFifty my cat has a slice of ham every lunchtime, it’s her little treat and she gets the right hump if I forget to buy any 😱[/quote]
Mine go crazy for ham they love it!

@illbeinthegarden to me, if little or no contact, it means they aren't that into you sadly. I've ended chats because of this and told them straight.

As in, if I'm chatting but they don't message, then forget it

I think it’s really hard to get this right because I can be anxious and needy and want lots of contact, but very often the people who are able to instantly be in your inbox or in the phone for hours each day are precisely the sort of people I need to avoid - often instantly very “into” the idea of me being the answer to all their problems and imagining all sorts of futures together. Which then don’t materialise and no doubt they then proceed to be instantly into someone else in the same way..

Obviously there are exceptions to this! I struggle with it because I feel like my anxiety shouldn’t be the dictating factor as to what is the right level of contact. I want consistency and reliability and I need to learn to self soothe anything outside of that - or take it to friends.

If I messaged him he'd reply dead quick he always does but I want him to wonder how I am 🤷‍♀️ if he didn't message at all I'd bin it off... tbh it's not looking like he's that into me! When we are together he totally and the rest of that day etc but he does cool right down in between!

I don't think he's my person 🙈🙄

I know it's hard @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards really I do. When my condition flares I feel much the same. I don't even want to move, never mind think about tomorrow or beyond. It debilitating, depressing and frankly makes me angry. I feel like opportunities are taken away from me and I'm terrified of becoming/being a burden.
A good support network is invaluable to me; I don't like to drop too much on Mr D as it's relatively early days, and getting different perspectives can be helpful (RL or online friends).
I'm only thirty one too. This is a positive statement though " I should be out there enjoying life"- @BelladiMamma made a lot of sense when she talked about doing something small every day to reach her life goals and I think that's something most can aspire to- even if the life goal is simply to be happy and maintain health to the best of our ability. .
I'll stop rambling now but my inbox is open!

Come on ladies, saying you are needy is negative talk.
No one is needy, you have needs which doesn't make you needy.
There are varying levels of needs and being at the upper end still doesn't make you needy.

If your communication needs are that you like regular contact then you need to make this clear at the start and see how the other person reacts.
It might be you compromise, you want every day, he wants twice a week so you compromise at 3 times a week or every other day or maybe he or you isnt willing to compromise so you let him go.

The right person who meets your needs is put there, don't waste time on men who don't meet your needs.

@SortingItOut

Come on ladies, saying you are needy is negative talk. No one is needy, you have needs which doesn't make you needy. There are varying levels of needs and being at the upper end still doesn't make you needy.

If your communication needs are that you like regular contact then you need to make this clear at the start and see how the other person reacts.
It might be you compromise, you want every day, he wants twice a week so you compromise at 3 times a week or every other day or maybe he or you isnt willing to compromise so you let him go.

The right person who meets your needs is put there, don't waste time on men who don't meet your needs.

Thank you needed to hear it!

Definitely agree that the right person for you will meet your needs so you won't feel 'needy'.

I'm feeling frustrated at being affected by this guy disappearing on me after suggesting going out tonight I mean, I'd pretty much thought we weren't that compatible, so why on earth do I care?! I'll add to the pics of pets as a distraction... She's a needy pain but I suppose at least she pays me attention 😂

@ibelieveinmirrorballs @Eesha @illbeinthegarden
Out of interest how responsive do you like your irons to be, as I know I can be off line for hours at time if I’m working or cycling or hobbying

@Misty9
That’s shit, if get a date with an actual woman I make dammed sure I go as it’s v rare girls say yes to me !

Loving all the adorable animal pictures today.
I have a very local (4miles away) match on tinder and I was in a bold mood last night so asked him if he wanted to skip the small talk and go for coffee. He said yes but hasn't been in touch so far today after me sending a follow up message. If he replies then yay but if not then it's his loss not mine.
Got a few chats on the go from bumble but they are a much further distance

@Misty9
Oh and don’t forget the mighty NCFC are playing tonight!

Football songs are so complicated

“Come on you yelllowwwsss”
Come on you Yellows,
Come on you Yellows,
Come on you Yellows,
Come on you Yellows,
Come on you Yellows,
Come on you Yellows,
Come on you Yellows,
Come on you Yellows,
Come on you Yellows...
(repeated)

Fucking hell. My ex has just tried to sabotage my date. Unbelievable. Hopefully it's still salvageable.

I literally have an ex who wants to police my sex life. He is a total nightmare.

@Misty9 id care too because it's fricking RUDE!! Sorry you’ve been let down 😡 😣 but kitty is very cute, especially with it’s little snaggle tooth hanging out there 🥰🥰

[quote FabulousMrFifty]**@ibelieveinmirrorballs* @Eesha* @illbeinthegarden
Out of interest how responsive do you like your irons to be, as I know I can be off line for hours at time if I’m working or cycling or hobbying

@Misty9
That’s shit, if get a date with an actual woman I make dammed sure I go as it’s v rare girls say yes to me ![/quote]
Maybe once a day or at least every other... Even I don't like constantly through the day etc as I can't do that either snd I don't like getting into the morning/goodnight ones either but it's nice to know someone is thinking of you!

Interesting that the football is on I did cave snd message I reckon he's out watching that! NCFC is our local team 🙌

@BelladiMamma

Fucking hell. My ex has just tried to sabotage my date. Unbelievable. Hopefully it's still salvageable.

Oh no Bella what did he do? Hopefully you manage to salvage and have a lovely night despite him

@illbeinthegarden
NCFC are away at Newcastle tonight, but the game is live on Amazon tonight, I’m watching it !

And we need a new striker, so Delia needs to pull her finger out and flog some more cookery books 📚

@FabulousMrFifty I would like messages every day or every other day personally. Unfortunately the first signs of this slowing tends to put me off.

Levels of contact is something I'm still figuring out.

For me I think it's more the content rather than the amount... for instance I said a bit earlier I got a little anxious following our last date for a few days and this was despite him replying to my messages and honestly seeming quite enthusiastic, but very short replies and nothing I could follow up on. So I didn't I left it until I knew he was next going out to wish him a good night and again enthusiastic but short. As I knew he was a busy bee I had to self soothe a bit. I think this but it's worth me working on as he was genuinely busy, and did make an effort to reach out, and was just more a monkey mind thing on my part.

I hate good morning / evening texts (with no further conversation) as I feel it sets an expectation and actually sets my anxiety off more if one is missed and adds to pressure if I have a busy morning with kiddos etc.

I'd much rather longer conversations with content less often, the occasional meme or fun text about something that's happened, and above all if it has been a while (prob max 2 days at this stage) then a "Hey, sorry it's been a while, x y and z happened" with time to have a bit of back and forth, or even better a "Hey, I might be quiet for the rest of the day because x y and z is happening. Hope you have a great day and we'll speak soon!".

Thankfully for the most part his communication style seems to match in this way.