Thread 219: Dating in a winter wonderland

[Shayelle2009]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@FabulousMrFifty

So jealous of everyone and their dogs, this was my boy ( he is long gone, this is a photo of a photo)

Aww that message made my heart ache. Can't imagine (don't want to imagine) being without my boy (a German Shepherd). Going to give him extra cuddles and a muddy walk. Who cares about having a muddy house!

@Catcrazy83

** VanGoghsDog

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

If you think people are being nasty, report their posts. I'm going to start reporting yours as you are being very unpleasant.**

Also reporting

In other news, these pet pictures have set my ovaries off, I’m desperate to get a little dog. I don’t know how my oldest cat would cope though. She used to be fine but she’s rather cantankerous in her old age.

And I’m yet to find a Christmas present for mrWa. after a few months, What’s the expectation? Something more like a gesture?

And I’m yet to find a Christmas present for mrWa. after a few months, What’s the expectation? Something more like a gesture?

Gosh yes I go into a cold panic just thinking about this. I think I have a problem actually. I hate the whole present-buying thing in relationships. So much pressure. Being love-bombed with over-extravagant present-buying in my previous relationship didn't help. I've been with my current iron for 3 months. It has actually crossed my mind to end the relationship pre-Christmas so that I don't have to deal with this. Obviously that would be ridiculous behaviour! But it's going to hang over me like a black cloud for the next 3-4 weeks 😬 Help welcome (practical or emotional!)

@PurpleStripyScarf the stress is real isn’t it! I mean I don’t want to go overboard, but equally… what if he gets me something amazing and clearly thoughtful and I’ve just slapped a bow on a bottle of his favourite gin

I did reply to your post yesterday, and I said I did have a meetup account, and if there was something I could get to, and I was feeling okay at the time, I'd look into going. I'm also a member of some similar groups on Facebook.

Yes, I read it. You had misunderstood my point. You said "something I could get to", I was suggested ONLINE meet up groups, there are some, look for those. Speaking groups are good for confidence building. Plus the groups don't need to be near you as they're online so you can just look for anything that interests you and meet people online and chat about that topic and then maybe make some friends that way. Often other people doing that will also be limited in their ability to attend things.

@VanGoghsDog

I did reply to your post yesterday, and I said I did have a meetup account, and if there was something I could get to, and I was feeling okay at the time, I'd look into going. I'm also a member of some similar groups on Facebook.

Yes, I read it. You had misunderstood my point. You said "something I could get to", I was suggested ONLINE meet up groups, there are some, look for those. Speaking groups are good for confidence building. Plus the groups don't need to be near you as they're online so you can just look for anything that interests you and meet people online and chat about that topic and then maybe make some friends that way. Often other people doing that will also be limited in their ability to attend things.

@VanGoghsDog I didn't know that those sorts of groups exist online, that's interesting.

Thank you, will look into that ❤️

[quote Catcrazy83]@PurpleStripyScarf the stress is real isn’t it! I mean I don’t want to go overboard, but equally… what if he gets me something amazing and clearly thoughtful and I’ve just slapped a bow on a bottle of his favourite gin [/quote]
It's awful!

I've been very clear with everyone that I'm not doing gifts. I've bought MrWG a notebook from wtf with a silly cover, and MrStone a teatowel with very bad cat drawings, from the Pet Portraits guy on FB, as they are for charity so I can just claim it was a charitable donation thing rather than a very thoughtful gift, but at least I have something to give them both.

I doubt either will buy me anything, but I honestly don't want anything (well, I want the Jo Loves pomelo candle but it's £50 and I'd hardly expect anyone to spend that much and certainly not on something I'm going to set light to!).

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I try not to comment directly to be honest as I don't want you to take what I say the wrong way but I do think you've been quite unpleasant to the posters who have been trying to advise you in good faith.
I also have a chronic pain condition that, at times, is life limiting. Of course it can impact relationships, especially in a flare, but it doesn't define me, nor does it stop me from seeking love, respect, happiness and a partner. I really think the "hate" stuff and your bleak view is the depression talking; do follow up that counseling, it changed my life. Chronic pain and depression/anxiety go hand in hand as I'm sure you know, I've no doubt that you can get a handle on them.
Also, Mumsnet do have a chronic pain topic, sorry I'm not so good at links:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/chronic_pain
Take care!

Oh the present buying thing has me in a tizzy too! My birthday was in October and Mr L bought me lovely gifts even though we only knew each other 6 weeks at that stage. Not love bomby expensive gifts but lovely thoughtful stuff he knew I would like..so I know he will do the same at Christmas….the pressure is on!

And all of the pets are just amazing 🤩
I have a jet black cat who does not photograph well and a cavapoo who hates said cat most of the time. And cat does love to wind her up

@Catcrazy83 “set my ovaries off” bwahaa yes you hit the nail on the head there!! Ahh beloved pets 💕💕 it’s weird as I have never once felt broody for a child, but have been animal mad all my life!!
@Isitreallyme177 didnt I say he would fit in immediately!! God love them both 🥰🥰

@VanGoghsDog I wish I’d gone no gifts route tbh

@MayEye good gifts are almost as bad as terrible gifts when trying to reciprocate, I think I’m going to get something small I know he’ll like and pray he’s done the same, it’s only been a few months 😬

@Shayelle2009 I’m exactly the same, puppies and kittens are the worst for the old ovaries

[quote Heartbeats0708]@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards I try not to comment directly to be honest as I don't want you to take what I say the wrong way but I do think you've been quite unpleasant to the posters who have been trying to advise you in good faith.
I also have a chronic pain condition that, at times, is life limiting. Of course it can impact relationships, especially in a flare, but it doesn't define me, nor does it stop me from seeking love, respect, happiness and a partner. I really think the "hate" stuff and your bleak view is the depression talking; do follow up that counseling, it changed my life. Chronic pain and depression/anxiety go hand in hand as I'm sure you know, I've no doubt that you can get a handle on them.
Also, Mumsnet do have a chronic pain topic, sorry I'm not so good at links:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/chronic_pain
Take care![/quote]
@Heartbeats0708 thank you Heartbeats ❤️ that's really helpful.

I wasn't aware that MN have a Chronic pain thread. The thread I read must have been an old one. I found it though an AS.

It's just awful because I'm only twenty eight and I feel I should be enjoying life, not stuck in bed crying. I think that's where the depression comes from, because I'm thinking 'there's got to be more to life than this.' That's why I find it hard to think about dating and things long term.

I think it's hard for me to think about finding a partner because of how my pain is at the moment. I do get scared about the extra responsibilities I might put on a partner, and that makes me feel guilty. I also get scared of what I can offer them personally ❤️

Thanks for the new thread.

Loving all the animal photos, I won't share mine as my dogs are pretty identifiable.

All good with Mr K, this week we should get to see each other 3 times😱
We're off to a Christmas Illuminated Light event which will be good, we did a different one last year.

I have also realised that on the days I'm ready to end things with Mr K and feel like I can't be bothered with him are linked to my cycle...having tracked it for 4 cycles now I know that 10-14 days (mainly on a Saturday, occasionally on a Sunday) before my period starts I feel like this so if I post about him and want to end things please urge me to sit on my hands for a day or 2😂
This might be TMI but my cycles are on average 23 days so the stupid thoughts of ending things occurs more regularly.

I'm still having counselling and its going well. I'm definitely in the right mindset to do it now (rather than when I first split frlm my ex husband)

On the subject of gifts Mr K and I set a limit, we both hate receiving gifts and worry about the other preson spending too much so a budget works.
Interestingly gifts on our love languages was really low, something like 1 or 2% which is true.
The first xmas (3 months of FB) I think we did presents from lovehoney but last year we both did really thoughtful gifts and it was interesting to keep to a lowish budget (even though we could have spent loads)
Its perfectly fine to have a chat about xmas presents to reduce some of the pressure- you might decide to do something nice rather than presents.

When Mr Gambit blocks me, I try not to take it personally, but I think I feel different now because of the way I'm feeling generally at the moment ❤️

@Shayelle2009 I just have to make sure my other cat doesn't feel pushed out. Not that she could ever be pushed out, she is my world (it was me and her against the world for the past 5 months so the bond is unbreakable).

@BelladiMamma what have you decided to wear on your date?

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards no one has been unkind to you or getting kicks from being cruel to you. I've had my fair share of harsh advice but it's all meant in a good way and as much as it stings at the time I take it on board. Hence my rather level straight view on Mr Cricket today. I don't throw a wobbly or have a go back, it's all meant in a good way and comes out of experience. I'm navigating something I've not had to before so others experience will help me.

Seriously I haven't heard from Mr Cricket in over a week(although he has just messaged about meeting next week), do I think he hates me no. Do I think he is ignoring me probably not. He is busy, he has work, he has a new relationship and I'm just not top priority (my inner spoilt princess is struggling with this but I'll get over it). I do miss our chats but I know he hasn't blocked me, he opened my photo of my new cat yesterday. I will have to get over myself so I don't ruin my friendship with him.

People say what they do out of care, this thread isn't like others on here.

I'm certain he's blocked me, his photo is missing from his WhatsApp and any messages don't get delivered. when this happens normally, I just archive the chat and forget about it, but I'm finding it difficult recently ❤️

It's just I wish I knew what makes him do it. He says I can tell him anything, but I can't when he won't talk ❤️

@SortingItOut that might be when you ovulate, so estrogen levels are highest and make us feel low? Or something like that
That’s good you know its hormone related though!

@Isitreallyme177 I feel the same about mine. She’s my absolute soul mate and we’ve been through so much together!

@PurpleStripyScarf i got magnet-man a joke present of a tiny number plate for his massive truck! He has it displayed on his dashboard. Then i last got him a keyring and put our initials on the back which i think was probably a MASSSIVE step too far but he has it on his keys! He bought me perfume and some truck stuff for when i finally get 'my' truck. He was fairly easy to buy for though and whether he actually likes the presents who really know's. Does MrWA have any hobbies/interests...

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards Your posts are really worrying and we can't DO much to help. It really sounds like you need someone IRL to be able to talk to about everything that is going on in your life and about your feelings. Do you have a counsellor or therapist? I don't have a disibility but i was in a really horrible/dark place a fair few years ago and it took me having a full on meltdown with our family therapist for me to pick myself up and realise where i could make changes. I felt like i had no power to change anything in my life and i hated it, but she really helped me to see this wasn't the case. I think online friendships can be very very powerful and i think with lockdowns we got quite even more reliant on them as well. Some may have even survived and transitioned into RL friendships/relationships. But more often than not long-term online friendships/relationships do have a way of fizzling out if an actual meet-up isn't on the cards. The fact that that person is 'there' one minute and then gone the next just makes you realise that they were never 'really there' in the first place.

@Naimee87 yeah, I'm being referred to a counsellor. My head is a right whirl at the moment

Thank you ❤️

It's not just me that is nervous. I think Mr Gambit is as well. I'm not going to ask him on a date if he's not ready. It's not fair on neither of us ❤️

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards

I'm certain he's blocked me, his photo is missing from his WhatsApp and any messages don't get delivered. when this happens normally, I just archive the chat and forget about it, but I'm finding it difficult recently ❤️

Just send him a message "hiya, just checking in, how are you?"

If it doesn't go then yes, he's blocked you. Don't spend another minute thinking about it or him, this is about him not you. Delete his number and block him back. Find other things to focus on.

In my book it is very bad manners/unkind to block someone unless they’ve been abusive in some way. The fact that, after a year of chatting, he’s blocked you without explanation says to me that he is not your friend, as friends don’t do that to each other. I would be blocking his number then deleting the chat and number. You may feel that would be a bit extreme @OnwardsEverStridingOnwards but it could be a massive relief to not be looking out for breadcrumbs from this ‘friend’?