If you have any perspective on passive control please help me see sense

[BluebellShells]

I have no idea if it’s me being paranoid or DH being passively controlling. Things have escalated in the last few months and I feel as low as I’ve felt for a long time. I can’t make sense of it all. It’s reached a point where my teen DC is making comments about me that aren’t very nice and I’m feeling heartbroken.
Has anyone experienced a passive aggressive dynamic? I can give examples of what has been happening just didn’t want to put it all out there as I’m after advice on whether I’m really the one who is being crap or if I’m justified in feeling upset and worried

Just to add I realise it’s hard to comment without examples but I’m worried he might recognise me if I put it all in one comment

Does he know you're on MN? You haven't given any examples but from what I've read in your message and your tone I think you're justified in being upset. So what are you going to do?

You're going to need to find a way to give examples if you want specific answers. Generally, if a man is acting like a cunt it's because he's a cunt.

I don’t think he knows but he’s very tech savvy. I’m not frightened of him physically but emotionally I feel like I’m on a tightrope.
Ok an example is decisions about work on the house or holidays. We both agree things need doing and have similar likes/dislikes so it should be easy going but the whole process can take months because he has to have the final say. It drags on so long things just don’t happen. We need things fixing so we discuss it, agree then I’m not able to book anything because he’ll say I’m not involving him and so I have to wait for him to say it’s ok and he will then just not say so.
Sounds bonkers but if I take the bull by the horns and book things he gets sulky and upset and says I’m taking charge and he hasn’t got any say even though we’ve discussed and agreed

He says I’m controlling him basically if I say I’m going to go ahead and order or book something. And I mean anything!!

Another example is if we’re going on a day trip he’ll not come out to the car for ages whilst we sit and wait, then you can cut the atmosphere with a knife as I try to make light conversation so much so my DC think I must have been horrible to him before we got in the car but I haven’t said it done a thing. Hard to explain

Why do your teens assume it's you at fault?

Because he is so quiet and I’m chatty. He will be silent for the whole journey like I’ve upset him and he’s seething

He's making your life a misery. Can you get away?

I am miserable. I’m just so low I think it must be me. I’m genuinely after knowing if it’s me or not. Then I think I will either live with it or we will have to separate but I don’t want that. My teen has a dad who is not very present and I’d hate to put them and my youngest through a separation if it’s me and I can do something to fix it.
Does it sound like this is normal and I’m overreacting? I have no idea anymore

Another example is he’s told me I’m talking too much about work (I’m a frontline worker and during the pandemic I’ve had the usual stresses and strains) so I stopped and now I have no idea what I should or shouldn’t say about my day.
I will make comments about it when it all gets too much but he acts as if I’m mad and being horrible so I’ll immediately apologise then I’m in the dog house for days afterwards feeling guilty.

I'm sorry BluebellShells, but he does sound horrible. I have 2 questions really, the first one is, has he always been like this?
The second one is more of a request, than a question, can you give any examples of his good points please?
Whatever your replies are (even if you don't reply to me, please answer the questions for yourself).
If this is what your life is going to feel like, and potentially even worse, do you intend to just put up with it? I hope your answer to that is "No" OP, because I can assure you that when you are in your 60's you will regret it. 💐🍫🍷

I feel like running away but I can’t and wouldn’t because of the children, my job, the dog and also I don’t want to be unkind to him. Especially if it really is me causing all this and I’m ruining my marriage

He was fun and up for chatting all night when we met. Over the years it’s gradually got worse and worse.
He is caring and considerate and wants to do well. It’s just increasingly he seems to think I’m an ass and I can’t do right.
Initially I understood that he wanted to be making joint decisions because his previous girlfriend never listened to him but that’s never been an issue for me as I like a joint partner in life and I like sharing decisions etc so I just thought it wouldn’t be an issue. But gradually over time I realised the easy going thing was actually him majorly pushing himself out of his comfort zone and actually he doesn’t like doing things and being adventurous at all, he was doing it to please me and now he’s just being his true self.
He’s not an arsehole or anything. He’s trying to do right I guess but it’s constant now that I have to be just perfect or else he gets moody

He does feel under a lot of stress with the pandemic, work projects and his family are manipulating him emotionally which is horrible for him. I think he feels I’m adding to his stress

Honestly this is a hideous dynamic. We have areas where one of us is the decision/action driver. We discuss if necessary but mostly just get in with it.

It sounds like it would be a massive relief all round if you split. Then your kids can get to know you. It'd be insane to continue.

Sorry.

It sounds like he’s deliberately keeping you on the back foot, so you’re walking on eggshells. That is not normal behaviour and sounds abusive.
If you’re miserable then you’ll be affecting your children and that is also a horrible dynamic for them to witness. Make plans to leave, so you can live a life where you don’t have to constantly second guess yourself.

Actually I don’t think I’m adding to his stress, I know because he told me this. He hates any kind of confrontation. A few years ago I would put my foot down and say it wasn’t on but he’s almost convinced me that all of it is actually me being over bearing, over reacting, over emotional etc and he’s doing nothing wrong.

Yes, he sounds coercive to me, on the little you've said.
The getting in the car thing stands out to me - making you wait, and then bringing an atmosphere with him.

That doesn't really equate to him being under stress from work/family.

It just means your day starts off with him establishing that the day is going to be all about him and his mood.

It's not you - it's him ( if you think it's you - that way madness lies). Grow a back bone and stop pussy footing around. Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and get angry. Face up to telling him to move out!

What would happen if you didn't do all you could to maintain the status quo, the 'good atmosphere'? If you said "we've been sat in car for ages, what've you been doing?" Or "I have booked someone to come and plaster the back bedroom?"
Would he fly into a rage, shut down or "punish" you later in some way?

I agree it’s hideous and dysfunctional. It’s definitely rubbing off on the teen. They aren’t well mentally as well and I’m sure this is a factor. I just have no idea how to fix it! I know that if I can’t we will have to separate. It’s heartbreaking because we had so much going for us. We were so in sinc (I believed) and I know he is a good man, just has almost a compulsion to be quietly in charge but not making any in charge decisions.

So I used to confront the behaviour when it first appeared but he would be very upset and retreat inside himself and go very quiet. He told me any confrontation makes him retreat because of his childhood (father explosive) so I backed off and tried openly discussing it calmly at the right time but which seemed to help get it out in the open but nothing changed and now he just can’t stand me commenting or remarking on it at all or he will go very quiet and tense and I get very lonely and pretend it’s all ok for the children

If you saw us in the street whilst it’s happening you’d think I had done something horrible to upset him and that I was oblivious because I’m smiling and acting normal whilst he’s obviously upset and trying to be brave. It’s really isolating. I can’t talk to anyone in real life about it as they all think he’s quiet but nice (which he is to them)

Ok, so how does it feel to read that you are not imagining it, he is using coercive control tactics? It's an insidious journey in the same way as actual physical abuse is.
What would happen if you didn't play your usual part and challenged him on his passive aggressive behaviour?