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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

If you have any perspective on passive control please help me see sense

122 replies

BluebellShells · 27/11/2021 04:55

I have no idea if it’s me being paranoid or DH being passively controlling. Things have escalated in the last few months and I feel as low as I’ve felt for a long time. I can’t make sense of it all. It’s reached a point where my teen DC is making comments about me that aren’t very nice and I’m feeling heartbroken.
Has anyone experienced a passive aggressive dynamic? I can give examples of what has been happening just didn’t want to put it all out there as I’m after advice on whether I’m really the one who is being crap or if I’m justified in feeling upset and worried

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 27/11/2021 06:59

@DeadoftheMoon

You're going to need to find a way to give examples if you want specific answers. Generally, if a man is acting like a cunt it's because he's a cunt.
Yes
Original poster
BluebellShells · 27/11/2021 07:01

Ok, I will ride it out for now. I’ve been here before second guessing myself. I know in the future I’ll look back and wonder why I bothered. I just need my self esteem to rise a bit so I can fathom what to do next

OP posts:
catsareme14 · 27/11/2021 07:02

My situation exactly with my exh . I was not allowed to organise anything , I had to wait until he decided to do it . This could literally mean a fault in the house would take years to be fixed . His cold fury if I tried to bring up the was so frightening . He would come right up to my face & ask if I expected him to stop what he was doing & do it now , repeatedly , I would then backtrack .
One day after waiting for months for him to phone the boiler repair man I cracked . I demanded the phone number & said I would phone him immediately. By the end of the day I had made an appt at a solicitors . His reaction was so terrible I knew it was the final straw . After years of this sort of game playing I never expected a simple conversation about a boiler would give me the courage to end a very bad relationship.

Original poster
BluebellShells · 27/11/2021 07:03

A separation will be a nightmare. At the moment I’m so low I think the children will blame me and he’ll end up with custody, the house, the savings. I need to work on self care I think. It’s hard when this atmosphere makes me feel so shit. It’s like catch 22

OP posts:
catsareme14 · 27/11/2021 07:05

One other thing . My ex h was amazing to other people . Everyone loved him . There is quote somewhere that says something along the lines of 'A narcissist cares more about what friends think than family '

Original poster
BluebellShells · 27/11/2021 07:06

The boiler! We’ve had the boiler issue!! So sorry you had that happen to you. It’s strange how we put up with it. I’m quite capable of sorting work out on the house. It’s annoying but I can do it. Yet he thinks I’m incapable. He doesn’t get in my face like your exh but everything else is so similar!!

OP posts:
Wallywobbles · 27/11/2021 07:06

If you think he will get everything then you are absolutely wrong. That will not be the case. See a lawyer. Get everything sorted and make this the last Christmas of this bollocks.

Staying is damaging everyone. But he's enough of a cunt to make sure you do all the heavy lifting AND get all of the blame. Leave soon do your kids can see the reality for themselves. Or stay and have everyone believe you're the problem.

GlorianaCervixia · 27/11/2021 07:07

You deserve a home where you don’t have to walk on eggshells or feel cold disapproval. It sounds like he isn’t capable of having a healthy relationship instead of a controlling one.

Original poster
BluebellShells · 27/11/2021 07:08

What happened after you split? Did people know what he was like then or did you get blamed? (Don’t know why this concerns me so much but it’s a big factor in how I feel about it all)

OP posts:
Original poster
BluebellShells · 27/11/2021 07:11

I don’t know what’s worse - him leaving me because he says I’m unreasonable or me leaving him because of his behaviour. Everyone will say it’s me either way

OP posts:
RobertSmithsLipstick · 27/11/2021 07:12

What makes you think that?
Him?

Original poster
BluebellShells · 27/11/2021 07:13

Anyway, it’s got to be what’s best for the children. It needs to be a healthy, happy home and if we can’t make that happen no matter who’s to blame then we have to part ways. So sad for them

OP posts:
Original poster
BluebellShells · 27/11/2021 07:14

Yes. He makes me think I’m sabotaging our relationship/weekend/his home project etc

OP posts:
Subbaxeo · 27/11/2021 07:14

Could you imagine treating someone you purport to love love this? The answer is no. That’s why it’s not you who is the bad guy here. Go and see a solicitor and possibly a counsellor to help you see straight. Don’t let your kids suffer in this atmosphere. Get as much info as possible on your finances and book that appointment.

Original poster
BluebellShells · 27/11/2021 07:17

Ok, I think all of you have given me some great advice and perspective. Thank you
I’ll seek advice. Counselling is probably a good idea. It’s all so bloody sad

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2021 07:20

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

The best thing for both you and your kids would be to separate from your abuser. I note too without much surprise that your previous relationship was abusive as well, it’s a common scenario to go from one abuser to another. Your boundaries, already skewed by abuse, are being further messed with by this individual now who also targeted to to abuse.

He has and will continue to do a number on you if you stay. All that you write here are words of an abused and otherwise controlled woman. You know the truth re this man, he abuses you and in turn your children as well. He is no decent father to them either if he abuses you, such men only care for their own selves. They are also learning from you about relationships and this is no relationship model to be showing them.

Women’s aid and the Rights of Women Organisations can help you here plan your exit from this abusive marriage if you choose to. You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

PicassoInAtoolbox · 27/11/2021 07:21

Honestly Bluebell, life is too short. He sounds full of self loathing which he is projecting onto you. He enjoys punishing you and however you contort yourself to appease him you can't win. He has a victim mentality - his ex was abusive and controlling, his family is abusive and manipulative, you are abusive and controlling.

Time for a wake up call for him I think. Perhaps frame it that as he's so obviously unhappy you should consider separation for his sake. Don't worry what other people think, they probably know what he's like more than you think

wizzywig · 27/11/2021 07:21

@BluebellShells, @catsareme14 aagh! The boiler! Me too. And now if there are any boiler issues I get passive aggressive 'you did something proactive without my approval '

ChurchofLatterDayPaints · 27/11/2021 07:23

This really isn't you, OP, it's him. My ex did this. Stonewalling manchild. What you say about friends and particularly his family is very telling. He needs to micromanage and control the family environment while looking like Mr Perfect to the rest of the world.
It's a really horrible, enervating way to live, and drags you down.

If you decide to continue with it - and I understand why you might have to, at least in short term - you will have to stop questioning yourself and basically reparent him. He has learned terrible family dynamics from his childhood and is applying them to you. Deal with the silent stropping in the same way you'd deal with a child: ignoring the sulking/strop tactics and rewarding positive interaction from him. Focus on the kids, Xmas tree is for them, not dp?

If you confront him or try to discuss it, he'll probably deny, stonewall and get worse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/11/2021 07:23

Counselling for your own self is a must do as well as completing the Freedom Programme (this can be done online). Consider too what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up, you may well be repeating damaging lessons that your parents taught you.

Emilygoesa · 27/11/2021 07:24

He is being passive aggressive. He has you doubting your own thoughts. Your children need a confident and happy mother. Life is to be enjoyed not endured.

southlondoner02 · 27/11/2021 07:25

I think if you continue in the relationship with him, his behaviour will cause your self esteem to get worse and worse. And possibly your relationship with your children will too given he's making them think you're in the wrong.

I would think about planning what you need to do to leave. That might include counselling, solicitor advice, speaking to women's aid etc. Maybe ask your local domestic abuse service for a recommendation for counselling as they may have be more likely to understand this dynamic.

Wassailer · 27/11/2021 07:31

2 years ago this was me in my marriage. In the end it ended because he was upset that I had had a coffee and not asked him to join me, it’s the small things that finally tip you over.
I took two steps in the first week of deciding to leave - saw a solicitor and got therapy. Both saved my sanity.

N3WN8ME · 27/11/2021 07:45

It's not you, it's him.
He has a dysfunctional background. He's dysfunctional. He doesn't have the self awareness to understand his own behaviour and has turned this on you as your problem.
Sulking silent treatment type partners, if there's hope for them, need reading the riot act - your cold fury and a change in their behaviour should be seen and felt quickly. You tell them what is not acceptable behaviour and the effect it is having on you and your children. But once you suspect coercive control, that's another level.
I'm not sure which of the two it is for you but some of what you wrote made me think you should get on with your weekend like normal, do your Christmas preps, and just ignore your grumpy partner. If he is proving too hard too ignore, call him out, be firm, tell him to go and get the help he needs but don't let him draw you into discussions or feeling bad about him.
His shitty childhood and family doesn't consign you and your children to being punished for it for ever.
I have some experience of dealing with punishing silences. I sorted it by being very firm, open, calm and believing in my own reality which is THE reality. The dysfunctionality in them is terrified of confrontation but they need that reality check. And I was clear that either there is a change or I leave. And they believed me and I didnt entirely forgive them or change my mind until I genuinely liked them again.
I was also a moody teen/YA and my mum would read me that riot act and give me that reality check which is what I needed. It sounds like some of these men get stuck at that developmental level.
It is time for you to get angry about how he has treated you and the impact it is having on you and your children.
You sound great and fun and loving. It's not you. Don't hurt yourself, you need to love yourself.
It's him.

(Gosh that was long.)

N3WN8ME · 27/11/2021 07:49

Just to add, there is nothing wrong with you leaving this grumpy shit.