If you have any perspective on passive control please help me see sense

[BluebellShells]

I have no idea if it’s me being paranoid or DH being passively controlling. Things have escalated in the last few months and I feel as low as I’ve felt for a long time. I can’t make sense of it all. It’s reached a point where my teen DC is making comments about me that aren’t very nice and I’m feeling heartbroken.
Has anyone experienced a passive aggressive dynamic? I can give examples of what has been happening just didn’t want to put it all out there as I’m after advice on whether I’m really the one who is being crap or if I’m justified in feeling upset and worried

You can't "fix it" though, it's his behaviour that's the issue and he would have to recognise and accept that he is causing this dynamic and want to stop doing it.

He’s taken to sleeping on the couch because he falls asleep there and I’ve taken to going to bed alone early because I don’t know what to say to him anymore. Part of me feels he can’t stand being with me. The other part feels he’s punishing me. And a little bit feels he genuinely has trouble sleeping so he’s down there because otherwise he struggles to sleep. I’m trying not to over think it. Teen noticed months ago and asked me why I was making him sleep there! I thought that’s it, that’s not right so in front of teen got him to admit it was his choice by saying his back might be better if he slept in bed and he replied it was fine on the couch. That way teen could see I wanted him with me and he was choosing not to come upstairs. So now I’m playing the game and I’m always so open about things. It’s like I’m losing myself

You can't fix someone else's abusive traits. And that is what this is.

Hearing it’s probably coercion makes me feel like I’m painting a one sided picture. I truly believe if there was a fly on the wall, people would think it’s me. I’m annoying, I talk too much about myself, I don’t listen to his view, I’m over bearing etc

I just have no idea how to fix it! I know that if I can’t we will have to separate. It’s heartbreaking because we had so much going for us. We were so in sinc (I believed) and I know he is a good man, just has almost a compulsion to be quietly in charge but not making any in charge decisions

He’s not a good man, he’s abusive and controlling, he’s not “quietly in charge”, he’s taking no responsibility for his behaviour or his relationship with you - his behaviour is deliberately designed to make you think it’s you, that you have nothing to complain about and that you must be at fault. All the while making you think you’re crazy.

If he won’t make “in charge” decisions you need to take charge of yourself and your kids and get out of there. Please do a search for coercive control and see if you recognise the behaviours there, speak to Women’s Aid who will help you understand what’s going on.

Yeah, everything you are saying is horribly familiar.
It's that cold fury just under the surface that you dread isn't it.
The lengths you can go to to keep everything "nice" just ties you up in knots.
Horrible, horrible situation.
Please start really, really thinking about how it would feel to be free of that stress, expressing how you really feel in any given moment and teaching your DC how to communicate in a healthy, honest way. X

Part of the problem is my previous relationship was abusive and he has been supportive in me seeking therapy near the start of our relationship and I was too open telling him I have tendencies to self sabotage. A year or so down the line he started to say any disagreement or me saying I didn’t like his behaviour was me sabotaging the relationship. I agreed it was possible so worked hard at trying to ride out any issues I had without troubling him

Some people have the victim mentality, and it serves them well.
Probably better than being threatening or openly nasty.

They attack, then retreat, they are "hurt" and "hurting" constantly, and then "hate themself" for being as they are.

Perhaps they can't help this mindset, maybe they can, but ultimately it puts a huge pressure on everyone else, and before you know it, they are in charge of everything, and all without raising their voice, let alone a fist.

Yes, he’s not taking any responsibility and cold fury hits the nail on the head.
And I have to teach the children a healthy relationship model
What a fuck up. I thought it was healthy and work really hard to make my home a stress free happy place. I’d hate this cycle to continue for the children. I feel like I’ve messed up their lives

I agree it’s probable that he can’t help it. And it’s about him feeling safe and in control. I don’t think he has any idea of how excruciating it is for me and is not aware of how it’s likely affecting the children.
Should I try one last time to be open and talk about how we can make a healthy home for the children?

You haven’t messed up their lives, your partner is messing up all your lives. He got to know you and your vulnerabilities and has used that knowledge against you to control and abuse you. Nice.

I bet he stops short of the behaviour in your previous relationship? Maybe less aggressive, maybe not quite so openly angry etc which means part of you keeps thinking “it’s not abuse, he hasn’t done what the last one did” and so you stay, and try to fix things, and you beat yourself up for not being whatever enough… and he continues to wear you down.

You know what you need to do, it might take some time and planning but…

His family are like it too and treat each other terribly around family events like birthdays. They basically sabotage events with excuses as to why they can’t go to that place or at that time or don’t turn up and then give eachother the silent treatment whilst I’m sat there thinking wtf is going on?! I think he would hate it if I said he was doing the same thing and probably say I was being cruel to compare him to their hurtful behaviour.

I don’t think he has any idea of how excruciating it is for me and is not aware of how it’s likely affecting the children.

So he has the same pattern of behaviour in all his relationships then? At work, with friends, with workers coming to your house, people in shops and restaurants? He doesn’t make decisions, gets upset when his boss doesn’t involve him in everything? He goes “cold fury” on his friends, right?

No, because he knows none in those positions would put up with it. Unless he’s like this in every relationship he has, he can control it, and he knows exactly what he’s doing. Which may be hard for you to read, but is the truth.

Yes, he does stop short of it. Previous guy would walk out and give me a few days of wondering where he was and would call me names in front of my then very young child. Now I’m thinking that previous guy was right, I am a see you next Tuesday. He also said I was controlling because I’d ask him where he’d been all night etc (so I wasn’t being weird) but now I’m doubting all of it and thinking maybe they’re both right, I am horrible and controlling. I’m so embarrassed it’s happening again. I think everyone will think it’s my fault (children included) though I’m brave enough to leave if I think it’s not healthy for the children. I can take it. But I don’t want this to be happening

No, he isn’t like this with his friends. Actually lockdown was interesting because I could hear him being so lighthearted and jovial with colleagues I thought I must be shit if he can’t be like that with me. And sometimes he is like that with me

Although one friend said that it’s funny when he gets cross because he goes quiet and paces around, so he’s seen it at some point

Again, if you saw us when he’s jovial you’d think we were perfectly happy

It probably is funny if your life isn't bound up with him, if there aren't children involved, and if it's not something you live with.
It's different for you though, isn't it?

So shall I try to talk to him in terms of the children’s needs and see if he tries to adjust his behaviour? I know he has to want to change

It is. I didn’t know what to say to his friend because I thought at last, I’m not going mad

He sounds awful - sulky and controlling. He’s unlikely to change because that would mean accepting that he’s doing something wrong. He seems to prefer to put you in the role of the mean, overbearing one and himself as the noble martyr.

You could try talking to him but, based on past behaviour, is he likely to do anything but give you the silent treatment?

I’m dreading this weekend because there’s nowhere to hide except in the bedroom and I want to put the tree up. I want it all to be lovely and normal but I don’t know if I can pretend to be happy

He is the noble martyr. That’s a good description. No, he’s likely to think/say/make it look like I’m ruining the weekend

Do you think he doesnt realise that his behaviour has an effect on the family?
That you are on eggshells around him, anxiously trying not to say the wrong thing isn't a good way to live?
By all means, have a word, but he will know already about good parenting practices, I'm sure.

I feel sick at the thought of getting through the weekend with gritted teeth and a fake smile. I almost go hyper trying to please everyone and that makes it worse because it makes him look calmer and I look nuts