Not sure what to do anymore 😞

[exono]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married 4. We have a 2 year old son and he’s basically raised my 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship.
I’ll start off by saying I am NOT perfect. We always had an amazing relationship and sex life, never fought, always were on the same page, etc. and I’m not giving this backstory to justify things I’ve done. Just how things have managed to get where they are..
2.5 years ago when I was 8 months pregnant and not being very intimate due to general uncomfortableness and just being insecure, I caught my husband sneaking off to the bathroom for an hour at a time to shower at ridiculous times of the night. I figured he was just taking care of himself because we hadn’t been too intimate for a few weeks. When it kept happening though I started to get frustrated by it and even got up a few times to listen outside the bathroom door to see if I could confirm that was what was happening.
Well it was; but not in the way I thought.
He came back into the bedroom one night and slid something under the bed before getting back in and didn’t realize I was awake. I checked in the morning to find a dildo. I wasn’t sure what to think as this wasn’t something I was aware he even owned, let alone knew he was into. It really upset me that I didn’t know this about him.
I finally worked up the courage to say something and the only explanation he gave was “I just like how it feels, my ex and I used to use them”. This really hurt. I’d shared a bed with him for 9 years and had no idea he was even in to this, and he clearly wasn’t comfortable enough to tell me.
He never spoke on it again, and I didn’t know how, but I felt so betrayed. It didn’t help that he continued to do it, only this time moving to the basement, which is how I knew to go looking. I probably shouldn’t have, but I was curious, and I instantly regretted it. He had a whole collection, all shapes, sizes, some the width and length of my forearm, some with suction cups (explains the showers). There was something about the mental image of my husband engaging in this, down in the basement and in the shower that completely turned me off. I hated feeling like I was kink shaming, but it went much deeper than that.
Our sex life fell off after that. I started building up resentment, and then he’d get frustrated, not communicate that in a healthy way, and I’d only close up more.
And then the pandemic hit, newborn baby, not sure if I had a job still, and him working 10-12 hour days. My mental health was incredibly poor, and so was his. We stopped being us.
I stopped being able to communicate with him and he didn’t give me room to feel like I could anyways; he’d come home in bad moods, complain how stressed, exhausted and “underfucked” he was. He would drop comments about us not being intimate, but they were always snarky or meant to make me feel guilty, which only made me close off more.

Fast forward to last year, I stupidly joined a chatting app. It was innocent at first, just a way to feel like I could vent and communicate, feel like my voice mattered. Until this past March, that’s all it was. But then I met someone, and we hit it off right away. I didn’t even realize I was engaging in an EA until we started getting flirty. He was someone I confided in, and as awful as it was, I vented about my partner too. He was understanding and made me validated in the way I was feeling and it felt good to be heard.
Meanwhile; my husband had given up on trying to be intimate, and we had gone into an autopilot routine for the kids. A few times over the last year he asked about what I was doing on my phone, but never pressed too much. I had mentally checked out.

A few weeks ago he was spying on me and caught me texting my EA, and went ballistic. I was honest, I completely came clean and this opened the door to conversations we should have been having for months.
He had never brought up the kink of his until then, and even admitted he knew that was a turning point in our sex life and ultimately our marriage. And the passive aggressiveness didn’t help either.
I learned he had installed spy cams, but took those down when he realized the quality was shit. He just wanted to know what I was doing on my phone, but I felt so violated when I learned this, and guilty for pushing him to do this.
He had been crying for help for so long but I had mentally checked out. I questioned if how much of it I ignored was because I felt like he was being passive aggressive about it all (a lot of the time he was), or if I genuinely just stopped caring.
We’ve tried to reconcile since. I’ve started therapy, but he gets upset when I go because I don’t open up to him about it after. He’s also called during sessions to make sure I’m actually there.
I’ve made a lot of efforts since we decided to reconcile but sex for me is still off the table right now. I’m just not there yet. He on the other hand is back to making the passive aggressive comments (“guess I’ll go dream about my wife having sex with”).
We just went through something huge, and there’s still things that need to be talked about and sex just isn’t at the top of my list right now nor do I even want to right now.
The pressuring me for it though, and getting mad when I turn him down only pushes me further away and he doesn’t get that.
He’s placing so much of his happiness on wether or not we’re being intimate and it doesn’t feel fair at all.
I just don’t know what to do..

He's been crying for help?

You haven't pushed him to do anything, he could have just spoken to you and been honest about the dildo thing and you could have had a conversation about whether you were comfortable with it.

The spy cameras and pushing you for sex are huge red flags.

So sorry that sounds horrendous.

I can't really offer any help other than to say that he should have told you about his preferences right from the start. A lot of women (me included) find that a real turn-off, and had I known from the start I would not have entered into a relationship with him.

Essentially, he deceived you, skulking around. That's not right and he needs to address that.

Id ditch him he's repulsive.

His cries for help have always been under the guise of passive aggressive comments or ridiculous mood swings. He’s confronted me in a genuine way maybe 3 times over the last two years, and I’ll admit I did lie about what I was doing online; but at that point, I was just mentally checked out.

The pushing for sex has been a huge turnoff.
He has it in his head that that’s the only way I can show him I love him and the only way he can feel validated. I don’t know how to change his mentality on that.
When we finally addressed the dildos a few weeks ago; I literally told him I didn’t see him the same anymore and I needed time to get back to that. His response was asking if I could fake it.

To him, the only one who was at fault here is me for having an EA. He just has a kink that he hid from me but it shouldn’t be that big of a deal because he explained it, 11 years later 🤦🏼‍♀️

Disgusting. get rid ffs

Those aren't cries for help.
Those are attempts to blame and shame you into submission.

The fact you're in therapy and he's still making those remarks shows his total utter lack of respect, bordering on contempt for you.
If he's behaving like this now, he'll hold this over you forever.
I couldn't accept his behaviour (not the kink, couldn't care less about that) but the continuing to blame you and not accept his role in this. That's unacceptable.

Asking if you could fake it....

Please let that be a joke. That is abhorrent.
What a horrible little man.

Don't put yourself through this out of guilt. The literally doesn't care for you or there is no way he would ask that.

Hang on, forget the dildos for a sec. He put spy cams up??? And he calls you at your therapy sessions (turn your phone off) and wants you to discuss them with him?

He sounds absolutely horrible. How can you be intimate with him, I don't blame you. And he thinks your sex life is magically going to happen

Dump him

You didn’t push him to put spy cameras in your home, don’t you dare let him convince you that is your fault. As for the sex, well, it happens. I think you need to be honest and really think about if you can ever see a future where you would want to have a sexual relationship with him again. If you can you need to work together to do what you need to do to get there. That involves you both starting afresh as much as you can and trying to put the past behind you. Personally, I couldn’t move on from the spy cameras but if you can then you need to try and let go of the anger and resentment you hold towards him and he needs to do the same to you and stop trying to guilt trip you into sex. If you can’t imagine a time when you’d ever want a sexual relationship with him again then you need to talk about that too and decide together what your future will be.

You can’t carry on like this, it sounds miserable. Young children make everything ten times harder but most couple manage to get through it without resorting to setting up spy cameras around their house to watch their partner.

I would check your phone, see if he hasn't put any tracking apps on there.
It's really abusive behaviour what he's doing with the spy cmas and the gaslighting you.
Hope you're ok

Wow. What an awful mess.

Carry on with your therapy and make plans to divorce ASAP.

Have you ended the EA?

When he came clean about the spy cameras (only after I found the box in his car, and didn’t think twice about it cus he always is buying little gadgets for our son) he walked into the room with the camera and said “I was going to use this, but then I found about your EA so didn’t think I needed to” he then shrugged his shoulders and said “not the best idea, but you were lying to me”
He came clean about having more the next day, and only after I searched his computer and found a video of him recording me through the bathroom window on my phone. Not of me specifically, it was zoomed in as far as it could be on my phone. He could have been honest about all that when he gave me the first one.

I know what I did was wrong. I was getting validation from another man, and I know had I not been doing that, he probably wouldn’t have gone as far as he did. But I still violated, and I still don’t have the absolute truth and what he’s recorded and where.

Yes, I went completely no contact a few days after my husband found out.

He recorded you in the bathroom?
Please check he hasn't got other stuff like this.
Leave him just for that.

The video only shows my phone, that’s how close it was zoomed in, but when I saw it, I realized it was from outside looking into the bathroom window. The actual spy cameras though, he never gave me a straight answer on where he put them.

Alarming behaviour, which will probably increase

Yuck.

My ex husband installed an audio recording device in our flat. He thought he was going to catch me having an affair. So, it wasn't his fault you see, it was my fault.
I forced him into doing that. He was the poor innocent victim in all this who did something he probably shouldn't have done but what choice did he have?

The fact I wasn't having an affair is neither here nor there, he twisted his mind that way and justified his behaviour.
Your husband is doing the same thing. That's dangerous.

You can't fix this, you can't fix him.
There is only one option here. Leave.

Hiding the kink I guess is the worst part, the fact he was doing himself I'm a little unsure where I sit on that (scuse pun). I mean it's not like he was asking you to do it to or with him so in that respect he kept you out of it, but men need sex to feel validated and it seems you had both checked out of being intimate. Maybe to him this was an extension of masturbation. Far short of joining a monastery he was bound to at least be wanking eventually and this perhaps was just part of that routine. I can see how the fact he hid this is going to question just how much else he has forgotten to tell you about his kinks but is shoving a dildo up his own arse so terrible in the bigger scheme of things? I know some straight men do enjoy it but we wouldn't be calling gay men disgusting or think it weird or alarming for doing the exact same thing. It's the lack of honesty that's the bigger issue but this isn't exactly dinner table talk is it? Oh by the way dear I've been sticking enormous dildos up my arse for the last decade, hope you don't mind but it just feels nice...

You've both crossed some pretty serious lines here. You shouldn't have snooped on him then had an EA. He certainly shouldn't have set up spy cameras, then turned the tables to blame you, and he shouldn't be pressuring you for sex. I agree as above this whole thing is a mess. Only you know whether it is worth saving.

It’s the lack of trust and hiding it that really bothered me.
I shared a bed with him for 9 years at that point and there was never a discussion on it, not once. And we’re pretty open with our kinks and used to have a very active sex life.
That, and his reasoning. All he initially had to say on it was that it was something him and an ex used to do together. As his wife, that’s something he should have trusted me with too. That part really hurt.
I’m on the fence about how I feel about the kink. I think a lot has to do with the resentment I carried for the last two years with it but at the same time, he never even gave me the option to have an opinion on it. In fact, when we finally did talk about it a few weeks ago, he said he was afraid I’d run if he had told me.

Yes your EA was wrong, but it came after years of his poor behaviou. And whereas you are quick to admit you were wrong, and seem to feel guilt, he doesn't feel much guilt at all and doesn't think he's done much wrong?
He pressures you in to sex.
He asks you to fake it so he can still get his kicks even though it would be a vile experience for you (ie he thinks sex is something he does to you for his benefit, and your pleasure isn't relevant, in fact he's willing to hurt your wellbeing).
He spies on you.
He doesn't tell you about a kink of his (which he was happy to talk to an ex about), then indulges in it regularly to the detriment of your mutual sex life.

I wouldnt stick with him. Nothing of what you've said suggests he loves you or respects you, I'm sad to say.

Well I can understand it being something you might feel ashamed of or afraid your wife would leave if she found out. Is this genuinely something he could easily have told you about and you wouldn't have been upset? There must have been a reason he felt unable to tell you something like this?