Not sure what to do anymore 😞

[exono]

My husband and I have been together for 11 years, married 4. We have a 2 year old son and he’s basically raised my 14 year old daughter from a previous relationship.
I’ll start off by saying I am NOT perfect. We always had an amazing relationship and sex life, never fought, always were on the same page, etc. and I’m not giving this backstory to justify things I’ve done. Just how things have managed to get where they are..
2.5 years ago when I was 8 months pregnant and not being very intimate due to general uncomfortableness and just being insecure, I caught my husband sneaking off to the bathroom for an hour at a time to shower at ridiculous times of the night. I figured he was just taking care of himself because we hadn’t been too intimate for a few weeks. When it kept happening though I started to get frustrated by it and even got up a few times to listen outside the bathroom door to see if I could confirm that was what was happening.
Well it was; but not in the way I thought.
He came back into the bedroom one night and slid something under the bed before getting back in and didn’t realize I was awake. I checked in the morning to find a dildo. I wasn’t sure what to think as this wasn’t something I was aware he even owned, let alone knew he was into. It really upset me that I didn’t know this about him.
I finally worked up the courage to say something and the only explanation he gave was “I just like how it feels, my ex and I used to use them”. This really hurt. I’d shared a bed with him for 9 years and had no idea he was even in to this, and he clearly wasn’t comfortable enough to tell me.
He never spoke on it again, and I didn’t know how, but I felt so betrayed. It didn’t help that he continued to do it, only this time moving to the basement, which is how I knew to go looking. I probably shouldn’t have, but I was curious, and I instantly regretted it. He had a whole collection, all shapes, sizes, some the width and length of my forearm, some with suction cups (explains the showers). There was something about the mental image of my husband engaging in this, down in the basement and in the shower that completely turned me off. I hated feeling like I was kink shaming, but it went much deeper than that.
Our sex life fell off after that. I started building up resentment, and then he’d get frustrated, not communicate that in a healthy way, and I’d only close up more.
And then the pandemic hit, newborn baby, not sure if I had a job still, and him working 10-12 hour days. My mental health was incredibly poor, and so was his. We stopped being us.
I stopped being able to communicate with him and he didn’t give me room to feel like I could anyways; he’d come home in bad moods, complain how stressed, exhausted and “underfucked” he was. He would drop comments about us not being intimate, but they were always snarky or meant to make me feel guilty, which only made me close off more.

Fast forward to last year, I stupidly joined a chatting app. It was innocent at first, just a way to feel like I could vent and communicate, feel like my voice mattered. Until this past March, that’s all it was. But then I met someone, and we hit it off right away. I didn’t even realize I was engaging in an EA until we started getting flirty. He was someone I confided in, and as awful as it was, I vented about my partner too. He was understanding and made me validated in the way I was feeling and it felt good to be heard.
Meanwhile; my husband had given up on trying to be intimate, and we had gone into an autopilot routine for the kids. A few times over the last year he asked about what I was doing on my phone, but never pressed too much. I had mentally checked out.

A few weeks ago he was spying on me and caught me texting my EA, and went ballistic. I was honest, I completely came clean and this opened the door to conversations we should have been having for months.
He had never brought up the kink of his until then, and even admitted he knew that was a turning point in our sex life and ultimately our marriage. And the passive aggressiveness didn’t help either.
I learned he had installed spy cams, but took those down when he realized the quality was shit. He just wanted to know what I was doing on my phone, but I felt so violated when I learned this, and guilty for pushing him to do this.
He had been crying for help for so long but I had mentally checked out. I questioned if how much of it I ignored was because I felt like he was being passive aggressive about it all (a lot of the time he was), or if I genuinely just stopped caring.
We’ve tried to reconcile since. I’ve started therapy, but he gets upset when I go because I don’t open up to him about it after. He’s also called during sessions to make sure I’m actually there.
I’ve made a lot of efforts since we decided to reconcile but sex for me is still off the table right now. I’m just not there yet. He on the other hand is back to making the passive aggressive comments (“guess I’ll go dream about my wife having sex with”).
We just went through something huge, and there’s still things that need to be talked about and sex just isn’t at the top of my list right now nor do I even want to right now.
The pressuring me for it though, and getting mad when I turn him down only pushes me further away and he doesn’t get that.
He’s placing so much of his happiness on wether or not we’re being intimate and it doesn’t feel fair at all.
I just don’t know what to do..

Well, you've found out what a prize wanker he is, in every sense.

So sorry OP! I don't think your future happiness lies in this direction.

I figured maybe he had picked it back up as well because of the lack of sex we were having due to the pregnancy and uncomfortableness.
We bought our house 4 years ago though, and he admitted a few weeks ago that he’s always had a collection of them, he just knew how to keep them hidden. This isn’t something that he just picked up again when there was a lack of sex, this was something he’s been doing the entirety of our relationship.

He admits that him hiding his fetish and the behaviors that followed was the catalyst, but what I did trumps all of that.

Well how convenient for him to paint his feelings as about 900 million times more important than yours.

For him to talk like this, you must have got used to accepting this kind of belittling.

I hope this is the catalyst for you to get out and find someone who treats you with kindness and respect, OP.

That's what worries me to be honest exono. That there was never a time it wasn't happening. He knew he enjoyed it from 14 years old and it is a lifelong thing for him. I just don't see how this can be put back in the box now because you can't un see what you've seen and he can't stop doing it because it's a part of him. That sadly only leaves you with one option.

OP - what are you hoping to achieve with this thread? Or in general - what do you want to happen with your relationship?

If a man came on here saying he has found out his W like masturbation with a dildo in her bum, and that he felt offended she hasn’t shared it with him.
And so he didn’t want to have sex with her, and had an EA. He’d be crucified. And told him her masturbation is her own private business and doesn’t concern him.

Really - set him free. And free yourself from resentment you are feeling.
You can’t get what you had back. You can’t change him into a man who doesn’t like prostate stimulation. And you have a problem with it. So - there is no way around that.

It's just gone too far really hasn't it?

I'm usually the one coming on to threads trying to keep people together - but in this case - you sound like two people who've pushed each other way too far.

I kinda think you need to separate. Maybe wait until January, try and get through Christmas for your kids. Then q1 of next year make plans on how a separation might work. After some time apart you can revisit what's gone wrong and how you can repair or maybe some time apart will make you realise your hearts not in it.

It's just alot. The whole thing is just too much. I think you need some time to just be in your own space, from there figure out what you both want.

That would be my advice anyway.

Hugs whatever you decide to do. Sounds like it's been really rough for you xx

@MMmomDD

OP - what are you hoping to achieve with this thread? Or in general - what do you want to happen with your relationship?

If a man came on here saying he has found out his W like masturbation with a dildo in her bum, and that he felt offended she hasn’t shared it with him.
And so he didn’t want to have sex with her, and had an EA. He’d be crucified. And told him her masturbation is her own private business and doesn’t concern him.

Really - set him free. And free yourself from resentment you are feeling.
You can’t get what you had back. You can’t change him into a man who doesn’t like prostate stimulation. And you have a problem with it. So - there is no way around that.

I'm kind of trying to see this in reverse too. This isn't in any way a criticism of OP but I do tend to agree a man would be crucified if the dildo were on the other foot. Either way I only see a separate future here.

@chilliplant634

Sorry Lifewith. I got confused.

Monalotmoore:

Essentially, for most straight people, taking it up the bum whether you are male or female, is not a standard heterosexual practice. So I disagree with your insinuation that the problem is that the OP or anyone else who is not into this is too rigid in their sexual tastes/practices. For this same reason I also don't think you can compare a woman using a dildo in her vagina to a man using one in his anus.

I can see your point. It is slowly becoming more common and I can see many will clamour to normalise it and make anyone who isn't interested in it seem weird and too "vanilla".

But isn't it also somewhat a choice? They have been together for over 10 years and their sex life was pretty good without it, according to the OP. Its not like it is the only way he can achieve sexual satisfaction is it? So It seems that he resumed his interest in this when she was temporarily unavailable for sex.

The problem with a lot of these kinks and fetishises is that even if done solo, they do in the long term impact on the person's sex life with their partner. There are a multitude of threads on here with similar themes.

So whether it's dressing up as a woman or using a dildo in his anus, why should OP have to be OK with it? She has her own sexual preferences too.

I get what you are saying but I just don't think it really matters if it's going in the back door or the front botty. The fact is there wouldn't be nearly the same revulsion at a woman keeping a battery operated 'secret' from her husband for years and I do wonder if that might be grounded in closet homophobia. Some people have already made the gay connection afterall as if they think all there is to being gay is sticking things up your bum all day, which is a huge disservice to the ones who also like listening to Patsy Cline CDs and making cup cakes.

mona I think it is perfectly okay to say that you do not find a man sexually attractive anymore because of his sexual practices and behaviours.

It is perfectly fine to say that is really not for me. I find it disgusting and repulsive.

I don't know any straight men that would enjoy that - most would find it pretty hideous in my experience but I am sure there are a few knocking around somewhere, unfortunately for op. Of course there will be a connection to being gay given the mechanics, and that doesn't make anyone homophobic to at least talk about whether op's dh might be secretly gay or not, it is okay for her to talk to him openly about it. I would not be okay with ANY of this, and I would be out for the deceit alone.

I don't think it is wrong for him to masturbate in this way and judging by what's said on here, a lot of women are put off by it. He did something to himself that causes no harm and didn't affect sex with you. You spied on him and judged him and then he spied on you. Which he shouldn't have but your behaviour on the phone and demeanor alerted him that something was going on.

So I think you're both wrong and it is a crying shame because it sounded like an amazing relationship and you now have a kid together.

I don't think it is a crying shame!
I think she can do a whole lot better than this weird set up, and honestly I could never look at my dh the same way again with a similar discovery.

He is not the man she thought he was.

It is as simple as that.

@Fairylights25

mona I think it is perfectly okay to say that you do not find a man sexually attractive anymore because of his sexual practices and behaviours.

It is perfectly fine to say that is really not for me. I find it disgusting and repulsive.

I don't know any straight men that would enjoy that - most would find it pretty hideous in my experience but I am sure there are a few knocking around somewhere, unfortunately for op. Of course there will be a connection to being gay given the mechanics, and that doesn't make anyone homophobic to at least talk about whether op's dh might be secretly gay or not, it is okay for her to talk to him openly about it. I would not be okay with ANY of this, and I would be out for the deceit alone.

Of course it's ok not to be ok with it. That's fine and I think it's wrong he's hidden this so long but you can sort of understand why because if he'd told any woman from the start I doubt it would have got past the first date. I also agree it wasn't fair not to give op a chance to decide if she wanted to get involved in this, but you see my point because you wouldn't find a woman disgusting and repulsive for doing this regardless what orifice she's posting the letters in. In fact like me you probably wouldn't even care how she receives her special deliveries, but I wouldn't think a man doing pretty much the same thing (and I think the hole being used is completely irrelevant because that's only about personal prejudices in my opinion) was disgusting and repulsive. Different maybe, kinky and a bit weird maybe, even slightly pervy perhaps but if you're going to let personal prejudices get in the way then why wouldn't you say the same things about a gay man who does exactly the same thing? And that's what I don't get. Nobody would dream of calling a gay man disgusting and repulsive for doing exactly the same thing because most of us no longer live in a world where you go to prison for a bit of bum fun.

But that's a whole other debate. Essentially I don't see a way through this for the op anyway because she's not ok with it and that's perfectly fine, she doesn't have to be. I think personally there was never the trust she thought there was because he was never able to trust her enough from the start to tell her about this which I guess confirm his reasoning but her EA was a symptom and certainly doesn't trump his own deceit. If he's not able to be open about his collection of nocturnal 'nudgers' then he shouldn't be dragging other people down this road with him and should either look for people who are open to it or stay single.

I think OP needs to look at leaving really as there's not really any going back from this either way. She can't un-see what she saw and no counseling in the world will fix that.

I think it’s all broken beyond repair really. The trust and respect has gone. And that’s nothing to do with how he chooses to masturbate. Spy cameras, sneaking about, etc etc those are the worst bits here. Total mess.

I think I need to accept that.
There is no trust there, and that has a lot to do with me and what I did, but also with him too.
I’ll stand my ground on my thinking that he should have been honest about the kink. I’ve read a few replies that said he was smart not to tell me based on how I reacted. That most people would have ran which is why he kept it hidden..I understand that logic but at the same time are the people who are turned off by it wrong?
I’ve really struggled with this. Because I do feel like I’m kink shaming, but at the same time I should have an opinion on what I do and don’t find attractive or a turn on, and if it’s not something that I can’t handle, am I expected to just ignore it and let him do as he pleases?
I think a lot of the resentment towards it comes from finding out the way I did, finding the collection, the mental image of my husband sneaking off to the shower or basement to do this while his pregnant wife was sleeping. And then finding out this has been something he had actively been hiding from me for our entire relationship. It was shocking.
When we talked about it, he said how he would love to have incorporated that in our bedroom but honestly, the resentment I carried with it for 2.5 years, thinking I wasn’t good enough, worrying that he was trying to preserve something he was comfortable enough to do with an ex but not even tell me, I wouldn’t be able to. I don’t think I’d want to even if any of that had happened because it simply isn’t something I find attractive. And that’s where the guilt over the kink shaming comes in too.
And it’s not like I can just ask him if he’d give it up because I know that’s wrong too, and I would never. But this was a significant turning point in our relationship.

The EA was on me. I was unhappy and resentful and instead of turning to him to try and communicate how I was feeling, I didn’t. And that part was on both of us, neither of us were being good partners. But I didn’t do anything to try and change that and sought validation from someone else outside of us. That was a choice I made.

I want my husband back. I want to try and reconcile, but all of that continues to loom over us and he doesn’t seem to want a conversation on any of it. He just wants me to sweep it under the rug too and show that I love him, in the form of sex. Ignoring the fact that I’m still trying to heal from all of this too. I want to be able to be intimate with him, but I’m not there yet, and the passive aggressive comments and the constant waiting for the other shoe to drop, or walking on eggshells, is doing a number on me mentally.

Even if you were to talk about it at length is that going to change how you see him? That icky feeling of what he has been doing? Do you even know who he is now? If he is keeping this from you what else are you going to uncover?

Unlike other pp, I could not get past it. The idea you can get back to intimacy and sweep it all away is quite frankly ridiculous. Still all he is thinking about again are HIS needs, his sexual kicks. I think he has a problem, and I think it goes well beyond kinky sex op. He sounds deviant and dishonest, and I couldn't trust someone like that.

If there is something rotten at the heart of your relationship then ignoring it won't help. I would ask that he moves out for a bit, so you can decide your next move in peace and with some clarity. Pestering you for sex speaks volumes about the lack of respect he has for you, and his priorities.

When I was pregnant, my partner was cooking meals and running hot baths, not creating a sex cave in the basement.

Yes, you're not perfect but at least you're taking ownership. He, on the other hand is not. That's the deal-breaker.

OP,

I really get your distaste at his kink.

However, I wonder if he had been honest, respectful, understanding of your surprise, and had given you space while being open with you and prepared to talk, would you be in a very different place now?

I think the greater damage is his sexual harassment and general nastiness towards you, while expecting you to pretend it never happened and fake it.

He sounds awfully selfish and self absorbed.

I don't think he sounds capable of an emotionally intelligent relationship.

I'm sorry. This really isn't on you.

Kinks aside, he does not sound very nice, and seems to be a sex pest.

don't know any straight men that would enjoy that - most would find it pretty hideous in my experience but I am sure there are a few knocking around somewhere, unfortunately for op.

How do you know that you don't know any, fairylights?

It's something that a lot men keep secret. According to a survey by Lelo, 71% of straight men said they'd try it or they would try it. Over 60% of prostate massagers are sold to heterosexual men.

The prostate is an erogenous zone. It is possible for men to orgasm from prostate massage alone, and it also changes the feeling of their orgasm to be more intense. Straight men like this too.

--

That said, OP, it sounds like there has been a complete, and potentially unfixable, breach of trust. He felt ashamed and hid something from you, breaking your trust; you snooped to find the truth. You both were stressed by circumstances and you became unfaithful; he spied on you to find the truth. Your snooping crossed boundaries. His spying crossed serious, and potentially legal, boundaries.

I suppose you should ask yourself: what do you want out of this relationship? Or do you just want out?

I really don't think your EA is the issue here. I don't think you should be kicking yourself for that. You don't have to be ok with this and it's obviously very telling that he was comfortable enough to do it with an ex but not with you. That suggests ultimately that he never fully trusted from the start, but that's not necessarily about you. He may not feel able to trust anyone with it full stop after the ex shamed him for it. Incidentally I don't think you are shaming him yourself but I do think you have a decision to make. I think you know what that decision is.

I think had he been honest from the start, I would have tried to be understanding about it while letting him know it wasn’t something I’d be interested in engaging in with him.
Once I did find out though, he did owe me that conversation at least then. He admitted to “not having the balls” to bring it up though, and didn’t explain things at all. It’s why so much resentment around it built up. I was hormonal and so emotional when I found out- it made me feel like I wasn’t enough for him, or fulfilling him sexually. It also made me question why he was so comfortable with the ex but not with me. And I wondered if he was trying to preserve that piece of her. Those are all things I sat on for 2.5 years, and I should have brought it up as well, but the first time I did, I wasn’t given much to go on.
He’s assured me it had nothing to do with the ex, and that I’m enough for him, but doesn’t seem to understand that “debunking” that doesn’t take away 9 years of dishonest, or any of those feelings I felt.
I’ve thought about going to marriage counseling with him, someone who specializes in sex and kinks, but he wants no part of that.
He sees it as “okay now you know my kink, I shouldn’t have hide it, but now that it’s out there let’s move on from it”.

You don't owe each other anything. You're just not compatible. Go and be happy; it's no one's fault.

I’ve really struggled with this. Because I do feel like I’m kink shaming, but at the same time I should have an opinion on what I do and don’t find attractive or a turn on, and if it’s not something that I can’t handle, am I expected to just ignore it and let him do as he pleases?

Plus, sorry, fuck off with his bumhole happiness. What about yours?

In a happy relationship, no need to hide or pretend anything.

On other threads everyone's "Oh, always trust your gut." On threads like this, "Don't you dare kink-shame."

How you feel is what matters OP, and I hate how he twisted it around telling you that your "EA" in search of common ground "trumps" anything he might have done to make you feel left out.

If it were me I would no longer put myself in the way of his preferred happiness with a bit of plastic. Wish him the best!

I don't think either of you come out looking particularly good tbh. Both have acted improperly. Both could say it was due to what the other was doing and how it made each of you mistrust the other. But ultimately I think all trust has gone from both sides and it's probably time to call it quits. Sorry.

But surely if you were enough for him he wouldn't need this outlet. I suppose one thing to remember is that this has gone on since he was 14 and has now become so normalised to him he won't be able to see why it's a shock because to him it's now standard masturbation. It honestly sounds like you may never have been quite compatible because this was always a part of who he was. If he's made it clear he wants no part in couple counseling and is happy to carry on doing this even though he knows you can no longer see him the same way, then it doesn't look like your long term future is with eachother. But seriously don't see your EA as the root of this because it's not. This goes way back in his own past. Perhaps the ex shouting out the windows about how he likes it up the arse damaged his trust irreparably and that was just never going to be risked again in his mind. In a bizarre way he probably feels almost relieved he doesn't need to hide it anymore but that doesn't really help your own dilemma. Hard I know but I think I'd be looking at this as the end and working on moving forward alone.