Literally don’t understand what I’ve done wrong

[Aperolsprizter]

Hello,
Just a little thing I’ve been ruminating on for a week or so and wanted some help.
About two months ago, I met a guy through working in a coworking space. We chatted and ended up really getting on. This progressed to flirting, him buying me tiny gifts (like bars of chocolate etc), giving me lifts, we went for drinks with others who work around us (it’s a smallish workspace so we’ve all ended up getting on). It’s all been very pleasant. He followed me on social media and started liking all my stuff, as you do, and I thought it was progressing nicely.

We text a little bit and again, all very nice, he’s very complimentary and said I was great, just generally nice things and chat. When I saw him in person in the workspace it felt more tense in a good way, this carried on when we went for drinks and eventually we ended up kissing and sleeping together one evening.

Long story short, immediately afterwards his actions changed - he seemed quite sad and regretful (I get this after a ONS) and then I asked him on a date and he said no and he was sorry if he’d given me that impression.

My question is why all the effort for one evening? It’s been months, others noticed it, I just find it a bit bizarre and I wondered if anyone had experienced this? I didn’t do anything weird I don’t think. Maybe a thrill of the chase type thing?

I have to see him again and I don’t know how to brazen out the fact I’ve been vulnerable and then rejected 😬

IMO you have done nothing wrong other than be led up the garden path by a man who took advantage of you.

Sorry OP, but this is beyond typical of so many men..

Best thing you can do is chalk it up to experience and drop contact with him, aside from any work related contact that you can’t avoid.

Nothing you did wrong, he was just after one thing, I wonder if he is actually single.

What an absolute pig he is. He completely led you along and now he's got what he wanted, he's gone cold.

I too would wonder if he's single

Either that, or he is a man-child unable to process normal human relationships and the emotions that come along with that

Both options are dire and you've probably had a lucky escape

Either he was only after the sex or he has a girlfriend and was enjoying the workplace 'fun' and is now feeling guilty.

Regardless, you've done nothing wrong.

Agree, it sounds like he is not looking for a relationship, e.g. because he's already in one, but neglected to mention it and went ahead and slept with you anyway. Maybe he was initially just enjoying the attention he got from the flirting and gifts, but then let it go further.

You've done nothing wrong. You behaved as many of us would. Sadly he's a user. The exact same thing will happen with the next person. At least it was just one time and you didn't get attached.

I had the same thing happen many years ago with the first man I'd ever slept with - he never contacted me again and we worked in the same building. One day he actually winked at me as we passed in the street outside our building - I could have whacked him but I just ignored him.

Just ignore him from now on.
They aren't all like that.

Thank you all! To be honest I feel quite taken advantage of - if it was a drunken ONS with no prior, absolutely fine.

He’s also not obliged to go for a drink with me if he doesn’t want to, but I’m just so confused - we had genuine chemistry regardless of the flirting as well, and he must fancy me? He spoke heavily about wanting a girlfriend in front of me as well.

I did wonder about the girlfriend thing, but he’s also been open about flirting on social media. I just don’t really get it - has anyone else had the thing where someone just seems to get the ick after sex and go cold? It was good at the time

Also not to drip feed - it took 2 days to reply to my text just asking him if he fancied a drink! Surely anyone knows that’s nerve wracking!

My first thought - why would you need to think you have done anything wrong.

He has a partner I bet, and let an office flirtation get out of hand and now regrets cheating.

That's what this screams to me.

You didn't do anything wrong. I think it's suspicious that he said "he was sorry if he’d given me that impression" because it sounds like it was totally reasonable for you to have the impression that he wanted to date you. It sounds like he's gaslighting you now, which makes it seem like maybe this was his plan all along. I think you deserve a proper explanation from him (but I not sure whether you'll actually get one.)

I just think some people go in too fast, then decide they've gone too far and draw back. Especially those terrified of commitment. He's the one who should be feeling awkward though, you've been nothing but straightforward.

Too much,too soon, and this happens to many people. Just be more discerning and aware of the menfolk ,and their ways.

He was after a shag, he's got it and the thrill of the chase is over. Rat.

He wanted sex. He got sex. He has now run away.

Given other in the office noticed, it will probably hamper his progression.

If he was flirting openly on SM then it sounds like he was enjoying the thrill of the flirting and the chase - and then decided he enjoyed that too much to give it up to be in a relationship with anyone. Or was flirting with several women and decided to have a relationship with one of you.

Either way, once you've got over your hurt and disappointment (and you know you will ), you'll come to realise that this is really not someone you want in your life. Far too flaky and unreliable.

This happened to me a long time ago. The guy would come to my office to and flirt and chat with me daily for weeks, he really seemed into me and one night we slept together and I thought all was well. Didn’t see him again til I bumped into him hand in hand with his wife.

He's a player. I'd bet my house on the fact that he was doing the same with multiple women at the same time.

Brush it off and move on.

I feel your pain, OP - and it sucks. Sorry this happened to you. I'm in the midst of pretty much the exact situation right now, almost a carbon copy of yours except we'd been friends for years. He became single recently (unless that's rubbish, but it's what he told me), he did all the flirting etc, then we had an eve together (his instigation) - all lovely. Then the slow fade/minimal contact until I asked him out for a drink - and now nothing, not even the decency of a reply. Fuck 'em, I say, though it's far easier said than done. It stings and like you, I made myself vulnerable and now this. I don't have much advice except keep your head high and chin up, you've done nothing wrong. It's all on him. I intend to ignore back as if nothing happened and suggest you do the same. Players the lot of em!

Another vote for having a girlfriend

Why do you think you’ve done anything wrong?
There’s could be a million reasons why he doesn’t want to progress it - he has a partner, he has mh issues, likes the chase/thrill but he doesn’t really want a relationship.. none of these reasons are because of anything you’ve done, or your problem..

It’s good to be able to be let yourself be vulnerable sometimes, not everyone allows themselves to be.

So he might have a girlfriend, it’s a possibility but I just don’t get a read on that. There’s too many moving parts which could give him away to be honest (but it might be true).

What I’m worried about is the entire change in energy after the shag - from me being amazing to just sort of seeming like he wanted to get away? He flirted far more than me and was the one suggesting drinks and doing nice things and being complimentary. It just seems like a lot of effort and then awkwardness for one shag.

Are men really like this? I’ve been in a LTR and have gone back into the world shocked. I’m worried it’s the way I looked to be honest, I’m not massively beautiful (but I am funny) and I feel like he’s been out off by that, but surely he knew the way he looked?

Yes, men are really like that.