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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Literally don’t understand what I’ve done wrong

121 replies

Aperolsprizter · 25/11/2021 14:02

Hello,
Just a little thing I’ve been ruminating on for a week or so and wanted some help.
About two months ago, I met a guy through working in a coworking space. We chatted and ended up really getting on. This progressed to flirting, him buying me tiny gifts (like bars of chocolate etc), giving me lifts, we went for drinks with others who work around us (it’s a smallish workspace so we’ve all ended up getting on). It’s all been very pleasant. He followed me on social media and started liking all my stuff, as you do, and I thought it was progressing nicely.

We text a little bit and again, all very nice, he’s very complimentary and said I was great, just generally nice things and chat. When I saw him in person in the workspace it felt more tense in a good way, this carried on when we went for drinks and eventually we ended up kissing and sleeping together one evening.

Long story short, immediately afterwards his actions changed - he seemed quite sad and regretful (I get this after a ONS) and then I asked him on a date and he said no and he was sorry if he’d given me that impression.

My question is why all the effort for one evening? It’s been months, others noticed it, I just find it a bit bizarre and I wondered if anyone had experienced this? I didn’t do anything weird I don’t think. Maybe a thrill of the chase type thing?

I have to see him again and I don’t know how to brazen out the fact I’ve been vulnerable and then rejected 😬

OP posts:
Ellen888 · 25/11/2021 20:12

Spritzer - you did absolutely nothing wrong, please keep telling yourself that until you believe it.
The guy is a prick.
I'm sorry this happened to you.
Flowers

CheekyHobson · 25/11/2021 21:02

But what concerns me about saying some of these retorts is that you'll likely get called 'crazy' or 'too much' and the gaslighting will switch up a notch, and then he'll be able to justify his reasons for not wanting a 2nd date

Yeah, but in that case you have to remember the wisdom of Taylor Swift and remember that "Players gonna play play play play play".

The simple fact is that if someone spends several days, weeks or months actively moving towards a sexual relationship with you and then disappears as soon as they get laid, they are a player.

If they then claim that you misunderstood what was happening, this is further proof that they are a player.

You are not a player. You are a builder.

When builders engage with others, their objective is to build something together (a relationship). When a player engages with someone else, their objective is to win the game they are playing.

So now that you've recognised the difference between you and him, you can choose to engage with him with a different understanding.

You could just ignore him... this would be a reasonable response to someone who has treated you with disrespect.

You can also decide to express your feelings/call him out in order to be at peace with yourself. "You actively courted me then disappeared as soon as we had sex. That hurts."

Of course, we know he is a player. So what is he likely to do? He will view this interaction as a game to win, and probably call you crazy or gaslight you in order to remain the 'good guy' he pretended to be originally.

But you know you are not crazy, and his move should only confirm what you already know. You can then refuse to accept this false interpretation. "You know, I am not interested in playing this little game with you. We are both grown-ups who know what was actually said and done, and you're embarrassing yourself by pretending otherwise. I'm not going to pretend that what you did was okay with me; it's not. You can apologise for it, in which case I can remain on civil terms with you, or you can continue to play your game, in which case I won't be engaging with you further."

HopelesslyOptimistic · 25/11/2021 21:14

So sorry that you have been played, you sound lovely. Just treat it as a shag, move on, pretend nothing happened, keep being you & when/if the twat feels the need to pursue you again (because he's craving more attention) make sure you give him the FO pil, obviously with a big gorgeous smile on your face.

Monalotmoore · 25/11/2021 21:20

To be honest if he didn't want to give you that impression then he shouldn't have had sex with you. Sounds like he just used you for sex.

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/11/2021 21:21

You know it's not you it's him. It's not your character, looks, prowess in bed, or anything else - it's all on him.

IME/O it is less likely he has a girlfriend lurking or was deliberately leading you on to get a shag (easier ways to do that) than he is dealing with some neuroticism/issue with intimacy/baggage from past/who cares.

Style it out when you see him. He's neurotic or a nob or both. Imagine if he had hid his issue better - you could have wasted 6 months on him. Just dismiss and move on.

Sonaftersonafterson · 25/11/2021 21:24

I'd guess that sex didn't really do it for him. That's no ones fault! In the moment, probably all fine but perhaps on reflection he wasnt feeling any real connection and sexual spark. It happens. Its happened to me and I felt sick! But it's not down to physical attraction so stop beating yourself up and doubting yourself. He knew what you looked like!

Ohpulltheotherone · 25/11/2021 21:26

Maybe he just wasn’t into the sex / intimacy OP.

Maybe he did genuinely like you but the chemistry wasn’t there for him when you took it a step further.

I know that sounds bad but I wouldn't take it personally; it happens!
I’ve really fancied people before then when we’ve kissed or tried to take it a bit further I’ve realised that the sexual chemistry wasn’t right.

Maybe he was just after a shag but ya know, maybe he’s just not feeling it.

Again this isn’t any reflection on you! Chemistry is a weird thing

Yummypumpkin · 25/11/2021 21:29

Immediate thought is he is attached.

tarasmalatarocks · 25/11/2021 21:29

Honestly if I was single again I wouldn’t sleep with anyone however much I liked them for at least the first 10 dates! If they are after one thing— at least they’ve got to work for it and it should weed out some chancers !!

CheekyHobson · 25/11/2021 21:47

Maybe he did genuinely like you but the chemistry wasn’t there for him when you took it a step further.

Maybe he shouldn't have said "This is great, it feels so right" when they were in bed then, as that seems guaranteed to create confusion.

Anyone who says one thing and then does another has not been honest somewhere along the line, it's really as simple as that.

OP shouldn't waste any more time wondering whether the problem is with her, because it's not.

Original poster
Aperolsprizter · 25/11/2021 22:27

Thank you so much for replying everyone. For context, I’m mid 20s and I should probably back myself a little bit more rather than thinking it’s down to me. This is insane but he’s gone very quiet in the team whatsapp we have and I’m worried I’ve greatly offended him Confused people keep tagging him and he’s not responded (not me but obviously I’m in there).

I have definitely been played but it’s all part of the learning process I suppose. I don’t want to be a cold person but it feels like you might have to be a bit?

OP posts:
CheekyHobson · 25/11/2021 22:34

You sound like a very warm person, so probably what many people would regard as detached feels cold to you.

Here's another way to consider it... imagine setting your sights on a guy you fancied. Actively chasing after him, giving him little gifts, etc. Coming onto him after a few drinks and sleeping with him. Then immediately deciding you didn't want anything more from him, dropping off the radar for two days after he texts you and eventually telling him you're sorry that he took your advances the wrong way.

How cold do you think you would have to feel inside to treat someone that way? That's probably the level of internal coldness you need to now apply to this dude.

Momijin · 25/11/2021 22:50

OP you sound perfectly nice and normal and have done nothing wrong.

He's a pathetic weasel and don't you forget it. I would reply like peeps have already suggested 'if you didn't want to give that impression then don't go chasing a girl and get her into bed. Anyway, no need to be quiet or weird on the group whatsapp - it was just a mediocre shag'.

2bazookas · 25/11/2021 22:51

Maybe he is married/in a long term relationship and feeling guilty/

Allsortsofroses · 25/11/2021 22:53

You'll probably never know why.

At least the sex wasn't shit.

Beware him trying to pick you up again for round 2 in a while.

bluebell34567 · 25/11/2021 23:08

@sunnyzweibrucken

This happened to me a long time ago. The guy would come to my office to and flirt and chat with me daily for weeks, he really seemed into me and one night we slept together and I thought all was well. Didn’t see him again til I bumped into him hand in hand with his wife.
ouch
Skysblue · 25/11/2021 23:20

Ugh a lot of men are like this, yes. I remember seeing an episode of Buffy about it, 20 years ago!

Some say these men like the thrill of the chase, but as you say it’s a lot of effort for one shag… I’m suspicious that the reason they go to all that trouble isn’t the thrill of the chase, or the sex, it’s the ego-boost of rejecting an eager woman after she, quite naturally, expects more. The “ha she wants me so bad but I’m saying no” thing.

He’s a creep, sorry you met him.

Itsnotover · 25/11/2021 23:22

What a prick. It doesn't sound like he's single. 'Sorry he gave you that impression'??? Does he think it's his god given right to just use people for sex?

Itsnotover · 25/11/2021 23:25

@Aperolsprizter

Thank you so much for replying everyone. For context, I’m mid 20s and I should probably back myself a little bit more rather than thinking it’s down to me. This is insane but he’s gone very quiet in the team whatsapp we have and I’m worried I’ve greatly offended him Confused people keep tagging him and he’s not responded (not me but obviously I’m in there).

I have definitely been played but it’s all part of the learning process I suppose. I don’t want to be a cold person but it feels like you might have to be a bit?

He hasn't responded because he knows his behaviour is shit. I agree with the poster who suggested the mediocre shag response.

EarthSight · 25/11/2021 23:32

He either didn't enjoy having sex with you but can't face telling you why, or he really just wanted the trill of chasing and getting what he wanted. Rubbish OP :(

Original poster
Aperolsprizter · 26/11/2021 00:42

I just feel a bit weird about it! I’m quite sure it wasn’t the actual sex so maybe just my mediocre body or personality Halo

OP posts:
LucentBlade · 26/11/2021 01:59

Please don’t put yourself down.

Far too many of my friends who have ended up with absolute shitters just like this guy. It’s no new phenomena.

Isthisthereaklife · 26/11/2021 02:23

@Aperolsprizter

I just feel a bit weird about it! I’m quite sure it wasn’t the actual sex so maybe just my mediocre body or personality Halo
It’s just not meant to be. End of, don’t analyse it. Put it down to to experience .. I’ve bad that when have fancied someone loads and just sent as sexually compatible as I thought would be so it has progressed any more. Just leave it x
Isthisthereaklife · 26/11/2021 02:23

Sorry - so it hasn’t progressed I meant !

TreeSmuggler · 26/11/2021 02:32

I get what you mean OP, people always say "he just wanted sex" etc, but how desperate do you have to be to spend weeks/months chatting with someone/spending time with them just for one shag. The time investment surely isn't worth it, even for the most desperate guy? Do they know wanking is available?