Literally don’t understand what I’ve done wrong

[Aperolsprizter]

Hello,
Just a little thing I’ve been ruminating on for a week or so and wanted some help.
About two months ago, I met a guy through working in a coworking space. We chatted and ended up really getting on. This progressed to flirting, him buying me tiny gifts (like bars of chocolate etc), giving me lifts, we went for drinks with others who work around us (it’s a smallish workspace so we’ve all ended up getting on). It’s all been very pleasant. He followed me on social media and started liking all my stuff, as you do, and I thought it was progressing nicely.

We text a little bit and again, all very nice, he’s very complimentary and said I was great, just generally nice things and chat. When I saw him in person in the workspace it felt more tense in a good way, this carried on when we went for drinks and eventually we ended up kissing and sleeping together one evening.

Long story short, immediately afterwards his actions changed - he seemed quite sad and regretful (I get this after a ONS) and then I asked him on a date and he said no and he was sorry if he’d given me that impression.

My question is why all the effort for one evening? It’s been months, others noticed it, I just find it a bit bizarre and I wondered if anyone had experienced this? I didn’t do anything weird I don’t think. Maybe a thrill of the chase type thing?

I have to see him again and I don’t know how to brazen out the fact I’ve been vulnerable and then rejected 😬

I watched a friend of mine dealing with a similar situation a few years ago. She knew this man for years and they hooked up. At the time he really did not know what he wanted but kept my friend on standby between his other lady friend's. She gave him several chance's but he messed up every one.
She asked him to meet her one day and he let her down because he had a new girlfriend. He had not the guts to tell her. Instead she found out via someone they both knew.
Well within a few months his new girlfriend was pregnant. A lot of other things came to light about him since then.
He contacted my friend about 20 months ago and some how thought that within a few weeks she like to get into a friends with benefits situation with him. He is living with his partner and child so my friend declined his offer. She said he is fine as a friend but not as anything more. She is glad now she had a lucky escape and did not end up with him. She feels that he wanted a child and his life is a bit boring now because the reality of his situation has become apparent.
M

You've done absolutely nothing wrong. Please try not to give him any further headspace, and fgs please don't use words like mediocre about yourself. Back yourself

It sounds like a really hurtful experience. You're left wondering why he did this, but I really think this is just how he is. He went to a lot of effort because you are great and you are attractive. I think he thought "wow, this woman is a catch, I wonder if I could make my game work with her? Do I have what it takes?" Then he stopped afterwards because he's a total jerk.

The general advice is to move on, and I'm sure you will with time, but it will take a bit of time because this wasn't just some little thing. This felt like it could have been the start of something great, and part of the shock is the loss of something that felt really promising.

Be kind to yourself. There will be lots of other guys out there who think that you are great, and some of them won't be jerks like this guy.

Some people are not nice. Some people are narcissists. It’s really doesn’t matter what the reason he is an awful man and you’ve dodged a bullet there. You did nothing wrong.

Probably got a GF or chasing another possibility
Sounds like he got what he was after and moved on, absolutely no reflection on you at all
Head high and move on show massive confidence even if you don’t feel it
There is better to come

Woah, he's known you for months and I'm sure that he can tell what your body looks like. Don't put yourself down because of that insignificant weasel.

This sort of thing used to happen to me. I would sleep with them because I thought it would progress the relationship. Then when this happened I would feel filthy and rubbish and useless because clearly I was only good enough for one thing. It's horrible.

Some men get excited by the chase and have zero interest once they've "won" and had sex with the target.

It's absolutely bizarre. It's his issue not yours, you feel crazy but you're not, he is!

@Aperolsprizter

Thank you so much for replying everyone. For context, I’m mid 20s and I should probably back myself a little bit more rather than thinking it’s down to me. This is insane but he’s gone very quiet in the team whatsapp we have and I’m worried I’ve greatly offended him people keep tagging him and he’s not responded (not me but obviously I’m in there).

I have definitely been played but it’s all part of the learning process I suppose. I don’t want to be a cold person but it feels like you might have to be a bit?

You're still putting way too much emotional energy into this. You're seeing it as "why did he reject me for a relationship?" where the fact is that a relationship was NEVER on the table at any point, he just lied to you with the flirting to trick you into thinking it might be.

He's being quiet on the Whatsapp group because hes now scared you'll say something about why he isn't speaking to you now after sleeping together, and theres probably other women on that chat who he has already done this too or is actively trying to seduce as his next conquest.

I sound green but I just didn’t think this was how it worked in adult life if you want a shag, just say that! Don’t need all the weird comments about really wanting a partner to do nice stuff with

@girlmom21

Either he was only after the sex or he has a girlfriend and was enjoying the workplace 'fun' and is now feeling guilty.

Regardless, you've done nothing wrong.

This exactly!

"I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression". Oh my god how did you keep a straight face?! Pathetic man.

You've done absolutely nothing wrong and he's a weirdo.

Men looooove the chase. But unfortunately you ticked the box and now he's over it. There's a box theory, men put you in a box when you first meet:

• sex
• partner
• nothing

It's impossible to leave the box. That's the theory anyway.

The intent from the start was always just sex it seems.

This is so common - thrill of the chase and all that. Total fuckwittery and a sign that you are better off without him.

Don’t change the way you behave at all just because of this guy.

You had sex with a guy you had been flirting with for months. Totally natural and understandable of your to invite him out for a drink afterwards. In fact, that shows you are a nice person! If he has a problem with women taking the initiative like that, then frankly, he should go back to the 1950s where he belongs…..

@CheekyHobson

The simplest answer is usually the right one. He's a player. He likes the thrill of the chase and the 'winning' feeling of getting you into bed, but now that he's proved to himself that he's desirable, he's lost interest. He'll move onto someone else.

You can tell this by the way he's gaslighting you now. Buying you little gifts, following you on SM, flirting, compliments, all the way up to the bedroom... he didn't accidentally "give you the wrong impression". It was an active campaign to butter you up. The impression you got was exactly the impression he wanted you to get... that he liked you as a person and wanted to get closer to you. But his abrupt about-face once you'd had sex tells you clearly that he had something else in mind.

My guess is that he has low self-esteem – he doesn't think he is good-looking or charismatic enough to get laid just by going out to a bar and chatting someone up for a ONS, so he resorts to a sneakier strategy – pretending he wants a relationship and then dumping as soon as he gets the sex.

The way to handle this is not to be falsely bright and breezy. It's fine for you to feel rejected and vulnerable and hurt because that is the normal way to feel when someone goes on a campaign to win you over and then suddenly cuts you off. See him for what he really is, harden your heart and don't be afraid to be direct.

"Mate, you didn't accidentally do a damn thing. You spent months faking interest in a relationship with me so you could get laid and now you're trying to pretend I got it all wrong. That's pretty pathetic. Don't speak to me again."

I like thar text. You didnt get the wrong impression. You got the one he set out to give you. He's enontionally weird but also depe3ssingly normal join the club. These "ons'' are v painful.

There are loads of possibilities but none of them your fault so try and let it go as hard as that is. You did nothing wrong so I'd hold your head up and act normal in the workspace and the WhatsApp group. He could be a player, a misogynist who wanted/expected you to be the gatekeeper of sex, there wasn't enough of a spark (but he led you on by saying it "felt so right" etc), had a gf. Some men do like to date women into just sex - I had this several times with men I met OLD. They don't want to be upfront about just wanting sex as they want sex with a "nice girl" who wants a relationship ("nice girl" in their minds - of course women who just want sex are just as "nice"!). I guess it feeds their ego or something .

It’s definitely not you. My first thought is he’s got a wife or girlfriend.
Sounds like you did everything you could, got to know him etc. If it’s awkward at work it’s on him.

What you are doing wrong is thinking you have done something wrong. Stop looking for reasons for his poor behavior. It’s like being mugged in a busy street. It can happen to anyone. Best thing you can do is to live your best life and not give a moment of headspace to this scumbag.

@AnaViaSalamanca

What you are doing wrong is thinking you have done something wrong. Stop looking for reasons for his poor behavior. It’s like being mugged in a busy street. It can happen to anyone. Best thing you can do is to live your best life and not give a moment of headspace to this scumbag.

Yeh, agree with this. Channel being turned off when you see him. Don't give him air time wondering whyyyyyyy. He didn't behave in a decent way so GET TURNED OFF.

I do agree with the text to say ''I got the impression you deliberately gave me'' is a very good summary. OP was not some poor naive girl who met somebody at a nightclub and thought they were in a relationship now.

Are men really like this?

I think people are like this - or a percentage are. Look up Elizabeth Gilbert’s (she of Eat, Pray, Love fame) “Confessions of a Seduction Addict” for a female example - fair dues for her publishing it, because it somewhat takes off the shine of her relationship guru reputation.

Some people just have a hole inside themselves, that they fill by getting people to fall for them, whether they’re actually fancy them or not. It makes them feel desirable and validates their ego, I guess.

Again, appreciate the advice - I feel very naive haha. I’m not really someone who would chase something without the other person instigating it and I did also ask “are you sure you want to do this” because we were drunk and I hate the regretful morning after

I think I’m just a bit stung because I keep getting people doing this, messaging me and stuff but no one ever wants to take me for a drink! I’m worried everyone thinks I’m just a good time girl

Some good comments from people there, based on their experience. That's the great thing about MN :)

You've done NOTHING wrong, it's crazy even to think like that. I assume/hope it was a good shag? If yes, then great :)

His behaviour is not nice really though. Even if he does not to proceed with a continuing relationship, he should at least be nice and civil, which seems not to be the case. Personally, I'd not engage with him again (no matter how good the shag!!)

@Anonnyno Some people just have a hole inside themselves, that they fill by getting people to fall for them, whether they’re actually fancy them or not. It makes them feel desirable and validates their ego, I guess.

I understand that. I was told I was ugly when I was growing up. I had Crystal Tipps hair. I thought nobody would ever fancy me so when I grew into my teens and guys fancied me I really felt worthwhile. I thought I was cool at last. Nothing progressed into a proper relationship. I got married, but that was a nightmare as I didn't know him and he was a bully.

100% nothing wrong done on your part.

Just wondering if you would have slept him if you knew he did not want to further the relationship? Seems like you like him, so maybe you would have anyway.

He just may not have wanted to continue the relationship after the sex, and that's fine. I don't mean anything bad here, but he might not think you both "clicked" sexually, there is a chemistry thing, that is it's really strong ... it is very different.

However, he how he behaves afterwards seems really silly and childish. You might have had a lucky escape!